St Patrick’s Day Jokes

Will and Guy's St Patrick's Day Jokes

The problem with Ireland is that it's a country full of genius, but with absolutely no talent. Hugh Leonard

Please think of this page as a sitemap for St Patrick's Day jokes, and funny Irish stories.

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What's the difference between an
Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
One less drunk!

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When is Saint Patrick's Day?

March 17th.  St Patrick's Day falls on a
Saturday in 2012.

*New for 2012* Funny Irish Humour in the Best Tradition for St Patrick's
Day

Mary and the Priest

Cresley Irwin goes up to Father O'Reilly after his Sunday morning
service, and she's in tears.  He says, "So what's bothering you,
Cresley my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. Me husband passed away
last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Cresley, that's terrible. Tell me,
did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father ..."
The priest says, "What did he
ask, Cresley?"

She says, "He said, "Please Cresley, put down that damn gun."

The Marriage

Declan had asked Cormac for the hand of his daughter in wedlock.

'And
can you support a family?' asked Cormac.
'I think so,' replied Declan.

'Well. There are six of us, you know,' said the future father-in-law.

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
One less drunk.

Letter to America from Ireland

Dear Thomas,

Your father has a new job, with 2,000 people under him.
He's a gardener at the local cemetery.

Since I last wrote I have had all my teeth out and a new cooker put in.
I was going to send you a turkey but it got better.

I sent you a coat in the post. When the post office weighed it they said
I'd have to pay extra for the buttons because they were so heavy. So I cut
the buttons off. You'll find them in the top pocket.

We've had a threatening letter from the undertaker. Unless we pay the
outstanding money for your grandma's funeral by Wednesday - up she comes.

I must close now. I would have enclosed some money, but I'd already
sealed the envelope.

A team of council workers were drilling nearby and accidentally cut
through the drains to the house. Since then there's been a terrible smell
from your loving mother,

Siobhan.

An Irishman in Paris

It's revolutionary France 1789; Paris is in turmoil and three spies from
across the channel are about to be guillotined.

'Do you want to be beheaded on your back or your front?' the executioner
asked Baldwin.

'On my back,' said Baldwin. 'I'm not afraid of death.'

So Baldwin was laid on his back under the blade. The executioner pulled
the lever. Schtuck......and the blade jammed. Baldwin was reprieved because no
man can be sentenced to death twice.

Cameron was next. He too chose to face the knife. Again the blade jammed,
and Cameron was reprieved.

Patrick Murphy was third. 'Back or front?'

'If it's good enough for Baldwin and Cameron, it's good enough for me,'
and so Murphy was laid on his back under the blade.

'Begorrah,' Patrick said. 'Wait justa minute. To be sure, I think I can
see why it jams.'

O'Malley's Wife Goes Shopping

Maggie O'Malley was off to Dublin to
do her shopping.  'Be careful,' said Mary McGee. Those Dublin stores
charge far more than you'd pay here in Sligo. They always double the price.
So when you get there only offer them half.'

'I will,' said Maggie, and
indeed she did.
'The green dress in the window,' she said. 'It's priced
at £40. That's much too dear!'
'Madam,' said the salesman, 'believe me
it is a very reasonable price.'

'Don't give me that,' said Maggie. 'I
know your kind, you're all robbers of the worst kind - I'll give you £20 for
the dress.'
'Look, Madam,' said the salesman. 'I don't want a scene. If
you calm down, I'll let you have the dress for £20.'

'In that case,'
bellowed Maggie to a gathering crowd, 'I'll give you £10 for it.'
'Madam, please,' begged the salesman, 'I don't want to sully our reputation.
If it'll make you go away you can have it for £10.'

'In that case I'll
give you £5,' said Maggie.
'Madam, you're driving me nuts. To get rid of
you, please take the dress for nothing.'

'In that case,' said Maggie, 'I
want two!'

Whitewashing the Shed

'I'm thinking of whitewashing the
shed,' said Finnegan to the barman Michael McGee.
'What colour were you
thinking of whitewashing it?' asked McGee.

'Well, I was thinking of
whitewashing it green,' mused Finnegan. 'But I'm not sure if I can spare the
time.'

'Why don't you let my lad do it for you,' suggested Mick. 'He'll
whitewash it any colour you like. He won't charge you a penny and it'll be a
few quid for the boy as well!'

St Patrick 'Greening'
CelebrationsWill and Guy's St Patrick's Day Jokes

One of Italy's iconic sites will be turned a shade of green on Saturday
to mark St Patrick's Day.

Greening famous attractions is part of a promotional campaign that
Tourism Ireland has been involved in over the past three years; the leaning
tower of Pisa and Niagara Falls are new additions to this year's campaign.

Green Niagra Falls

Guy cannot decide if this is for real, or an early April 1st prank.
That's the magic of the Irish!

St Patrick's Day Costume Goes MissingIrish DanceGuinness missing costume

Will and Guy have discovered that a 6 foot tall costume in the shape of pint
of Guinness has gone missing from Eastpointe, near to Detroit in the USA.

This excessively large green pint worth about £6,200 [$3,000 USD] and
originally from Ireland, appears to have been stolen in order for the crooks to
use it on their 17th March - St Patrick's Day celebrations.

Will and Guy fail to believe that the robbers will get away with it as it is
so easily recognisable.

What's in the Name of Patrick?

On St Patrick's day, 17th March 2008, over 1,000 Patricks and Patricias
gathered in Trafalgar square.  The point of the gathering was to raise
awareness that Patrick as a name may die out in a few generations.  If you
look at a list of the top 300 names for babies, Patrick is not there.
Irish chef Paul 'Paddy' Rankin, organized the event to raise awareness of the
demise of the name Patrick.

As a sign of the times, the current record for the most people with the same
name stands at 1,096 Mohammeds.  The organizers claimed that Patricks broke
the record on 17th March 2008.  Will and Guy wonder who checks the birth
certificates?  Also does it count if Patrick is your second or third
Christian name?

Bizarre St Patrick's Day
Picture

Green Mountain Cape Town

Table Mountain is lit up in green to commemorate St Patrick's Day in Cape
Town, South Africa

About St Patrick

Legend has it that St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland.  It is also claimed that he had a way with words, and used the three leaves of the
Shamrock to explain the Trinity of the Father, Son and Holy Ghost.

Question: does March 17th commemorate St Patrick's
birth or his death, clue the Irish love their wakes.
Answer, St Patrick died on March 17th 461 AD.

It often happens that there are not
many Irishman celebrating St Patrick's
day in Ireland.  The reason is simple
they will all be at Cheltenham Festival for the racing craic.

Incidentally, the first celebration of St Patrick's
day in America was 1737 in Boston.

Celtic Blessing

May the road rise up to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the sun shine down upon your face.
And the rain fall soft upon your fields
Until we meet again

May God hold you in the
hollow of his hand

Flying to Dublin

'Hello, Aer Lingus?'
said Paddy Murphy, 'Could ye be tellin'
me how long it takes to fly from Boston to Dublin?'
.

The voice on the telephone said, 'I'll see sir, just a minute.'

'Ahh, 'tis fast. Thank ye', Paddy said as he hung up.

Siobhan followed her husband to the public house, 'How can you come here', she said, taking a sip of his pint of
Guinness, 'and drink that awful stuff?'
.

'Now!'
he cried, 'And you always thought I was out enjoying meself.'

A True Tale Begorrah!
Irish nail

Father Sean O'Leary, a Dublin parish priest, was jumping up and down as
he urged his choir to put more effort into singing the hymn: "I Wonder Where
I'm Bound", when an iron grid collapsed and he disappeared into a heating
duct.

Cartoon right: Mark Parisi

Judgement

The local District Judge had
given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of twenty euros costs.

'Now
don't
let me ever see your face again, 'said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.

'I'm afraid I can't
promise that, sir, 'said the released man.

'And why not?'

'Because I'm the barman at
your regular pub.'

You Can't Believe Everything You Read In The Papers

Dermot McCann opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly 'phoned his best
friend Reilly.

'Did ye see the paper?' asked Dermot. 'They say I died.'
'Yes, I saw it.' replied Reilly. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

No Hiding Place

Walking into the bar, Shamus said to
O'Heir the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'O, bejabbers,' said O'Heir, 'And how did this one end?'

'Hah, when it was over,' Shamus replied,
'she came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really?' cried O'Heir, 'now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, Shamus, you little chicken.'

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