Marriage Jokes

Bride Groom Wedding Speech Jokes

Soul-mates are people who bring out the best in you.  They are not perfect but are always perfect for you. – Anonymous

9 Clean Jokes to Work Into Your Groom’s Wedding Speech

You can write the speech yourself, alternatively, you can get a book of wedding speeches and then modify one.  However, if you want to make a really funny groom’s speech, then it must come from your heart.

1. The Logic of Marriage – A Child’s View

Jack, a very young lad aged 4 years, says to his father, ‘Daddy, Daddy, I want to get married.’

His father explains, ‘For that Jack, you have to have a boy and a girl.’

So Jack answers, ‘I’ve already found a girl.’

‘Who?’ splutters his Dad. ‘Grandma,’ continues Jack happily.

‘Now, let me get this straight,’ his father says. ‘You want to marry my mother? …………….. You can’t do that.’

‘I don’t see why not?’ Jack responds, ‘You married mine!’

Three Short Jokes For the Nuptials

Everyone should have a spouse because there are several things that go wrong that one can’t blame on the government.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor’s degree, and the woman gets her master’s.

My opinions are my wife’s, and she says that I’m lucky to have them.

2. How To Avoid Marriage

‘Darling,’ says Barry to his wife, Sarah, ‘I invited a friend home for supper.’

‘What? Are you crazy?’ Sarah splutters, ‘The house is a mess, I didn’t go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t much feel like cooking a fancy meal.’

‘I know all that,’ murmurs Barry.

‘Then why did you invite a friend for supper?’ explodes Sarah.

‘Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married,’ concludes Barry.

3. The Promise of Marriage

Molly and Peter have been married for almost 48 years have raised a brood of 12 children and are blessed with 23 grandchildren.

When asked about the secret for staying together all that time, Molly replies, ‘Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.’

4. How To Celebrate Marriage

While enjoying a lunchtime pint in a Newcastle pub on Scotswood Road, four elderly Geordies* were discussing everything from football, the economy, to the weather, to how things used to be in the “good old days.” Eventually, the conversation moved on to their wives. One bloke turned to the guy on his right and asked, ‘Eh, Alan, aren’t you and your lass celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?’

‘Sure, man, we are,’ Alan replied.

‘Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate, man?’ another bloke asked.

Alan pondered this for a moment, then replied, ‘For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Hazel to Sunderland. Maybe for our fiftieth, I’ll go down there and get her back.’

*Geordie – is a regional nickname for a person from the Tyneside [NE] region of England, or the name of the dialect of English spoken by these people.

5. Is Romance Dead?

Brian had asked Dave to help him out with cutting his rather large garden hedge after work, so Dave went straight over to Brian’s home. When they got to the front door, Brian went straight up to his wife, gave her a big hug, and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her excellent cooking, kissed her, and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were cutting the privet, Dave told Brian that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Brian said that he’d started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn’t be better. Dave thought he’d give it a go.

When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her, and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Dave was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, ‘This is the worst day of my life. First, little Nigel fell off his bike and twisted his ankle.  Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!’

• Do practice your Groom speech until you can recite it naturally and without hesitation.  To gain extra confidence find out precisely at what point during the reception you should give the speech.  Usually, it’s after the father-of-the-bride’s speech.

6. A Question Of Marriage Guidance

Vicky, a young single lady visits the local dating agency and explains, ‘I’m looking for a husband.  Can you please help me to find a suitable one?’

The dating receptionist needs to find out some details so she asks, ‘ What are your requirements, please?’

‘Well, let me see.’ Vicky says, ‘He needs to be fine looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hours, if I don’t go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and being silent when I want to rest.’

The receptionist listens politely and carefully and responds, ‘I understand. You need a television.’

7. Never Be Afraid to Ask for Help

What more can Will and Guy say?  If all else fails, asking for help will get you a laugh and buy you time.

Harpo, she’s a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one. – said Oscar Levant, to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo’s fiancĂ©e.

8. Rehearse The Church Service: A True Story

At a wedding ceremony at which Father Brian Hamilton was officiating, he was seen to raise his hand in order to give the final blessing at the end of the service.

Louise, the bride, totally misunderstood this gesture and surprised the vicar with a high-five.

Not wanting to exclude Mark, the groom, Father Brian also offered him a high-five.

Father Brian was eventually able to give the blessing, this time with the laughter of the guests ringing in his ears.

9. The Seven Ages of the Married Cold

1st year – The husband says, ‘Oh, darling, I’m really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There’s no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that’s been going around. I’m going to take you right down to the private hospital and have you admitted for a couple of days of rest. I know the food is good there, and I’ve already spoken to the Matron and the Hospital chef and I’ve paid the bill.

2nd year – ‘Listen, sweetie, I don’t like the sound of that cough. I’ve phoned the doctor and he’s going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don’t you just go to bed and get the rest you need? I’ll bring you something to eat when you’re hungry.’

3rd year – ‘Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I’ll bring you something; do we have any canned soup around here anywhere?’

4th year – ‘No sense wearing yourself out when you’re under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids’ baths and get them to bed, you ought to go straight to bed yourself.’

5th year – ‘Why don’t you take a couple of aspirin?’

6th year – ‘You ought to gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog.’

7th year – ‘For Pete’s sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia?  You’d better pick up some tissues while you’re at the supermarket.’

Footnote: No.10 above, was kindly sent by Solly, a regular reader.

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, ‘There’s water in the carburetor’. I said, ‘Where’s the car?’

She said, ‘In the lake.’ (Henny Youngman)

Newlywed Conversation

“Dear, don’t expect the first few meals to be great. It takes time to find the right restaurant.”

Devil or Angel?

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. “Stop! Stand still!  If you take one more step, a brick will fall on your head and kill you.” The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after a while, he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.” The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

“Where are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?”

“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.

“Oh yeah?” the man asked. “And where the hell were you when I got married?”

A Five-Year-Old Child’s Funny View Of Weddings

Hilary, a grandmother, overhears her 5-year-old granddaughter, Mo, playing “weddings.”

As the little girl, Mo marches the bride down the aisle, the wedding vows go something like this: ‘You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may now kiss the bride.’

Five Funny Wedding Shorts

1. Nicky: I’m a man of few words. Mike: I’m married, too.
2. The five essential words for a good marriage: ‘I apologize’ and ‘You are right.’
3. A wedding ring may not be as tight as a tourniquet, but it does an equally good job of stopping circulation.
4. If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don’t stand in her way.
5. My opinions are my wife’s, and she says I’m lucky to have them.

A Brief Guide to the Etiquette and Tradition of Wedding Day Speeches

Here is the traditional order of wedding speeches:

The father of the bride. A good way to start is to welcome all the guests.  He then usually talks fondly about his daughter.  As with most speeches, it is accepted that a mixture of affectionate anecdotes and humor generally works well.  He then toasts the bride and groom.

The groom speaks next and replies on behalf of himself and his wife [in these modern times it should be remembered that more and more brides are making their own speeches*]. He aims to thank those people involved in helping them both in the planning of the wedding and distributes gifts to those who are to receive more than a verbal “thank you.”  The groom then may talk about his new wife before proposing a toast to the bridesmaids.

My wife – and I love saying that! – would not be the person she is without the love and support of her parents.  And I want to thank them for welcoming me into their family.  As my new mother-in-law said, she is not losing a daughter but gaining a washer-upper!

*If the bride is to make a speech it should take place following the groom’s. It may seem obvious, but joint speeches should be coordinated well beforehand since both will probably wish to say much the same thing.

The best man’s speech now follows. He thanks the bride and bridegroom on behalf of the bridesmaids and himself for asking them to be part of their special day and for the gifts they have received and then he reads out telegrams, cards, e-mails, or other messages from friends and relatives who couldn’t be at the wedding. He will then go on to talk about the groom in what can be the highlight or in some cases lowlight, of the wedding speeches. Humor and anecdote abound.  Finally, the best man should then propose a toast to the parents of the bride and bridegroom.

Will and Guy say that if you are looking for help in preparing your speech then please spend some time reading our carefully prepared pages. If you have any good groom wedding speech jokes, then please send them to us.  A modern trend is for the maid of honor to make a speech.

Clean Wedding Toasts – Funny Speeches

• A happy man marries the girl he loves; a happier man loves the girl he marries. Anon

“Toasting” has its roots in France, where the French have a tradition of putting a piece of bread into a champagne-filled glass to absorb sediments.  Remember that during the wedding toast, the bride and groom are not supposed to raise their glasses during the toast, it’s a moment where others raise their glasses to the bridal couple.

• To the bride – She needs no eulogy – she speaks for herself.
• A happy man marries the girl he loves; a happier man loves the girl he marries.  Anon
• They do not love that do not show their love – William Shakespeare
• Love is friendship set to music – Anonymous
• To love someone deeply gives you strength.  Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage – Lao Tzu
• Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction – Antoine de Saint-Exupery
• Love is life – Leo Tolstoy
• Love is a canvas furnished by nature and embroidered by imagination – Voltaire
• May your love be like the misty rain, gentle coming in but flooding the river – Traditional African proverb
• Marriage is like a golden ring in a chain, whose beginning is a glance and whose ending is eternity – Kahlil Gibran
• We never live so intensely as when we love strongly. We never realize ourselves so vividly as when we are in full glow of love for others – Walter Rauschenbusch
• There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved – Georges Sand
• Without love, the world itself would not survive – Lope de Vega
• When love reigns, the impossible may be attained – Indian proverb

Ten Funny Wedding Toasts by the Famous

You can write the toast yourself, or you can get a book of wedding toasts and then modify one. If you are going to make a funny wedding toast, then it must come from the heart.

Do practice the toast until you can recite it naturally and without hesitation.  Finally, to gain extra confidence find out precisely at what point during the reception you should give the toast.  If in doubt, give it immediately after the blessing.

1. Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.
2. In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which still continues.  (Helen Rowland)
3. Keep your eyes wide open before the wedding, and half shut afterward. (Benjamin Franklin)
4. By all means, marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.  (Socrates)
5. A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended. (Evan Esar)
6. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)
7. A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. (Milton Berle)
8. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot, and not try to understand her at all.
9. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)
10. Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing. (Goethe)

More Clean One-liners for Your Wedding Toast

Remember to tell the wedding reception who you are.  Although the immediate family does know you, some guests may not realize your connection to the bride and groom.  Thus introducing yourself is not only good manners, but also makes you more interesting to the rest of the audience.

• Here’s to the women who love me terribly.  May they soon improve.
• Losing a wife can be hard.  In my case, it was almost impossible.
• I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.
• My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.  So I got two girlfriends.
• I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
• How do most men define marriage?  A very expensive way to get your laundry done for free.
• The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

Slow Learner?

After his husband forgets the wedding anniversary, his wife tells him: ‘You’d better have something in front of the house, tomorrow, which goes from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds.’

The next day, she finds on the road, a bathroom scale.

General Toasts That Can Be Modified for a Wedding

• May you live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live.
• May your fire never go out.
• May your well never run dry.
• May we be alive at this time next year?
• May the roof above you never fall in and those gathered beneath it never fall out.
• May the hinges of our friendship never grow rusty.

What Kind of Wedding Do You Want, My love?

‘I dreamed of a wedding of elaborate elegance,
A church filled with family and friends.
I asked him what kind of a wedding he wished for,
He said one that would make me his wife.’

Anonymous

Evocative picture of the marriage bureau

Marriage one-liners

• I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. David Bissonette
• When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry
• After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together. Hemant Joshi
• Woman inspires us to do great things, and prevent us from achieving them. Alexandre Dumas

The international symbol of marriage approved

Geneva Switzerland: January 19th 2007. Chairwoman: Ms Jane Plastique

The Commission on Human Rights approved the following international symbol of marriage:

More Marriage One-liners

• The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, ‘What does a woman want?’  Sigmund Freud
• There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason for madness. Friedrich Nietzsche
• I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Anonymous
• week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing.  She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.’ Henry Youngman
• ‘I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.’ Sam Kinison
• ‘There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.’ James Holt McGavran
• ‘I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.’ Patrick Murray
• Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1). Whenever you’re wrong, admit it. 2). Whenever you’re right, shut up. Nash
• The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once. Anonymous
• Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet.  Mae West.
• A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. Milton Berle
• Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. Anonymous
• A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: ‘Wife wanted’. The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’ Anonymous
• The first man proudly, ‘My wife’s an angel!’  ‘Second man, ‘You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.’

Unusual Wedding Invitation

What is this?

The above picture shows a vinyl record made by artist and designer Kelli Anderson for her friend.  The invitation is a rudimentary record player that guests could spin with a finger.

The Secrets to a Happy Marriage

Will and Guy have long suspected that two holidays a year, meaningful conversation twice a week, and cuddles eleven times a fortnight are among the secrets to a happy marriage and now a study has shown it to be true.

Recent research among 2,000 happily married couples has identified the main ingredients for successful unions write Will and Guy.  It indicates quite clearly that couples benefit from taking a short break away together twice a year and eating out in restaurants at least three times a month.

Furthermore, it pays to be affectionate, as wedded folk tend to share a lingering kiss six times a week and say ‘I love you’ up to nine times a fortnight.

However, the research points out that it doesn’t need to be sweetness and light the whole time; as the average happy couple has at least one healthy argument a week.

The survey also shows that while couples like to have drinks at the pub together three times a month, there will also be a couple of girls’ and boys’ nights as well, where people can enjoy a night out with friends instead of their other half.

Happily married couples tend to make time for at least five movie nights at home, in contrast to their usual evenings spent fighting over the remote control or disagreeing about what to watch.

Also, we can state that most men and women will make little romantic gestures – such as cooking a nice meal or taking their spouse a cup of tea in bed – three times a month.

Interestingly, falling in love with a partner at first sight is NOT indicative that a relationship is meant to be, as only 42% of happy couples say this was the case. As we have recognized for many years it is friendship that is important, as 47% of those people polled say they were friends with a partner before they became an item, and then eventually married.

Other contributors to a successful marriage include making quality time for each other (50%), supporting each other (49%), and being kind (39%).

A fifth of couples make a point of never going to bed on an argument, and 21% say the key to a happy marriage is to try to turn a blind eye to irritating habits.

Knowing when to say sorry is a big step in the right direction for 33% of people, while 35% claim to be happy because they share the household chores equally.

Compromising on the television schedule, being honest, retaining a degree of secrecy, and accepting each other’s faults all play a part in a happy marriage.

Having just researched this item, Will is now going to leave his office and go to the kitchen and prepare the evening meal for his wife.

Father of the Bride Speeches Jokes – Funny Wedding Stories

A woman worries about her future until she finds a husband, but a man never worries about the future until he takes a wife.

Clean, Funny Jokes Taken from Father of the Bride Speeches

• Advice to a person about to marry – Don’t. First appeared in Punch magazine, in 1845.
• My wife says I never listen, or something like that…………………..
• Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
• A woman worries about her future until she finds a husband, but a man never worries about the future until he takes a wife.
• Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor’s degree and the woman gets her master’s.
• It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
• Don’t marry for money, you can borrow it cheaper.

More Tales for a Father of the Bride Speech

Wedding Present – Kindly sent in by JC.

I would like to thank you all for coming here today to celebrate my daughter’s wedding.  Just for your information, the seating arrangement has been specially organized with all of the people that bought large presents being placed towards the front and those that bought cheaper smaller presents at the back.  (Pause)

There is a special thanks for Uncle Fred who is at the back for the oven glove.  (Pause)

The bride would like to ask Uncle Fred if she could have the other glove for their Silver Wedding Anniversary.

Try Something Different

One Father of the Bride speech started with this poem by Cosmo Monkhouse

There was an old party of Lyme
Who married three wives at a time
When asked, ‘Why the third?’
He replied, ‘One’s absurd
And bigamy, sir, is a crime!

Seven Tips To Work Into Your Father of the Bride Speeches

• My wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats. – Woody Allen
• Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a particular brand of beer exactly to his taste, he should at once throw in his job and go to work in the brewery – George Nathan
• Confucius says, ‘Man who sinks into woman’s arms; soon has his arms in woman’s sink.’
• Married couples, who love each other, tell each other a thousand things without talking. – Chinese Proverb
• Marriage is like wine – It gets better with age. – Dudley Moore
• Successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. Germaine Greer
• It was an emotional wedding. The mother of the bride cried.  Even the cake was in tiers.

Three Tips from the Voice of Experience

1. Early in your marriage, you will find it difficult to get the last word in any discussion. With time, though, you will learn how to always get the last two words in every discussion; just make sure the words are: ‘Yes dear.’
2. When my daughter announced she planned to marry the groom I thought I had better carry out some background checks.  So I went to his local police station and asked if he was well-behaved.  The sergeant behind the desk was very reassuring. They never had any bother with him whenever he spent the night there.
3. Marriage is an institution, and that’s where a couple finishes up.

A clue to Happiness in Marriage

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Advice To The Couple

[In the form of a cake recipe]

Ingredients:

4lbs of love
½ lb of sweet temper
1lb of butter of youth
1lb of the blindness of faults
1lb of pounded wit
1lb of good humour
2lbs of sweet argument
1 pint of rippling laughter
1 wine glass of common sense
A dash of modesty

Method:

Put the love, good looks, and a sweet temper into a well-furnished house. Beat the butter of youth into a cream and mix well together with the blindness of faults.  Stir the pounded wit and good humor into the sweet argument, then add the
rippling laughter and common sense. Work the whole together until everything is well mixed and bake gently forever.

An Alternative Ending For Your Father of the Bride Speech

A stylish way to finish a Father of the Bride speech is with a poem.  If you have a good longish speech, then maybe one verse will do to round off your speech before the toast.

Another tactic is to complete the formalities of welcoming the guests, thanking them for coming to help celebrate the wedding of your daughter.  Then read a poem to steady your nerves before launching into the main part of your speech.  As ever, preparation builds confidence, then reading your audience is the key to success.  A good poem means that you have something up your sleeve.

A Funny Marriage Poem: Yes, I’ll Marry You by Pam Ayres

Yes, I’ll marry you, my dear,
And here’s the reason why;
So I can push you out of bed
When the baby starts to cry,
And if we hear a knocking
And it’s creepy and it’s late,
I hand you the torch you see,
And you investigate.

Yes, I’ll marry you, my dear,
You may not apprehend it,
But when the tumble drier goes
It’s you who has to mend it,
You have to face the neighbor
Should our Labrador attack him,
And if a drunkard fondles me
It’s you who has to whack him.

Yes, I’ll marry you,
You’re virile and you’re lean,
My house is like a pigsty
You can help to keep it clean.
That sexy little dinner
Which you served by candlelight,
As I do chipolatas,
You can cook it every night!

It’s you who has to work the drill
and put up curtain track,
And when I’ve got PMT it’s you who gets the flak,
I do see great advantages,
But none of them for you,
And so before you see the light,
I do, I do, I do!

An Amusing and Funny Nuptials Poem

Marriage is about giving and taking
And forging and forsaking
Kissing and loving and pushing and shoving

Caring and Sharing and screaming and swearing
About being together
whatever the weather
About being driven to the end of your tether
About Sweetness and kindness
And wisdom and blindness

It’s about being strong when you’re feeling quite weak
It’s about saying nothing when you’re dying to speak
It’s about being wrong when
you know you are right
It’s about giving in before there’s a fight
It’s about you two living as cheaply as one[you can give us a call if you know how that’s done]

Never heeding advice that was always well-meant
Never counting the cost until it’s all spent
And for you two today it’s about to begin
And for all that the two of you had to put in
Some days filled with joy, and some days with sadness
Too late you’ll discover that marriage is madness.

Fathers Are Prepared

As an aside, it’s interesting that twice as many people trawl Google for ‘Father of the bride speeches’ than search for ‘best man speeches’. What also amuses Guy is that in my family normally it’s the women who have the most to say, yet at the reception, there is no convention that allows the women to make a speech.

The Origin of Honeymoon

If we go back 4,500 years to Babylon, the custom was for the bride’s father to supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink for a month.

Now mead is known as honey beer and because their calendar was calculated from the moon, this period was called the honey month, which translates to honeymoon.

Advice for The Father of The Bride Speech from Will and Guy

The father of the bride speech is traditionally the first speech at the reception and therefore there is some pressure for the deliverer to set a high standard.  Will, who has taught for some 30 years, would still find this a daunting experience despite having talked in front of people a thousand times or more.  We hope this template may help a nervous and anxious speaker to formulate a cracking speech.

The basic idea is to convey the significance of the marriage with humor and eloquence that suits the occasion.  Make a conscious decision whether to make the tone sweet and sentimental or wickedly funny.

Begin your speech by welcoming everyone to the function; especially the family of the groom. Tell the assembled company something about yourself that will introduce you to the guests who do not know you particularly well.

Compliment the ceremony and perhaps comment on how beautiful the newly married couple look together.  Inject some humor by relating events in the planning that you found funny.

Talk about your daughter fondly, amusingly, and especially, anecdotally.  Have a couple of stories that are perhaps touching or amusing.  Do not embarrass anyone.  Talk about her achievements and your special relationship.  Silly
stories about your daughter can be a welcome addition to the speech.  This is needed to lighten up the situation and have everyone laugh a little.  Talk about some of the standout moments before her wedding, events that make the bride an unforgettable individual.  What makes you proud of having her as your daughter?

Tell the guests about your dreams for your daughter and how she has accomplished some of them and enough to make you proud.  Mention amongst your father-of-the-bride jokes the ups and downs of her life, but please, do not mention stories about her former boyfriends. Give some advice; impart some wisdom from your years of experience that the couple can take away with them. If you are still married then try and think of a reason it has lasted and if not then think of a reason that marriages break down and how it can be avoided. Say something special and warm about your daughter and the groom’s relationship. Mention how happy and proud you are on this auspicious occasion.

Thank the family of the groom and the rest of the guests; wish the newlyweds the best things to come.  Offer a toast to the bride and groom wishing them all the happiness in the world.

Be sincere, relax, smile, and be confident; that way you honor your daughter with a great Father of the Bride speech.

Funny Best Man Speeches – Wedding Jokes

In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which continues…

Marriage – A Three Ring Circus

When contemplating marriage, a man should always remember that there are three rings involved.

1. The engagement ring.
2. The wedding ring.
3. Suffering.

More Best Man Speech Jokes

I was at a wedding with a priest and a minister.

When the waiter brought the drinks for the toast, the minister said, ‘I’ll have a large whisky.’

The priest commented, ‘No alcohol for me I’d rather go with a scarlet woman.’ So the minister put his drink back and murmured, ‘Sorry I didn’t know there was a choice.’

Now as the best man, I don’t want to offend anyone so if there is a priest or a minister present I apologize, and if there is a scarlet woman here: I’ll meet you in the bar in 10 minutes!

The Kroonstad Diamond

Robert, a businessman, boarded a plane to find sitting next to him, Irene, an elegant woman, wearing the largest most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

‘This is the Kroonstad diamond,’ she said. ‘It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.’

‘What’s the curse?’ enquired Robert. ‘Mr. Kroonstad, ‘replied Irene.

time with the laughter of the guests ringing in his ears.

More Clean Jokes For a Best Man Wedding Speech

Funny Newspaper Wedding Snippets

Printed in a newspaper – Rex and Pauline went to grammar school together and their marriage will stop a romance begun between them there.

Printed in a newspaper – The marriage of Miss Hortensia Engels and Mr William Parkes, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake and we wish to correct it.

Wedding Hymn Sheet

The Minister noticed the bride was in distress and asked what was wrong. She replied that she was nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do. The Minister told her that she only needed to remember 3 things.

• First the aisle, cos that is what you’ll be walking down.
• Secondly, the altar because that is where you will arrive.
• Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service.

While the bride was walking in step with the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these 3 words….. Aisle, alter hymn (I’ll alter him)

A Thought

If a man is in a forest talking to himself with no women around, is he still wrong?

Five Funny Best Man Wedding Speech Shorts

Here is a Useful Best Man Rhyming Toast

Reading this speech has put a lump in my throat,
It’s unlike me, I blame the beers,
It’s rare that I get emotional,
But today even the cake’s in tiers.

Thank you for making me your best man today,
It has truly filled me with pride,
Ladies and gents, please raise your glasses,
To the Groom and beautiful Bride!

Funny Bride Cartoons

Here are amusing pictures showing how humor can make a great day funny and memorable.

The Latest Way of Making Wedding Vows

Choose a vow from the menu and then click ‘I do’ to submit your promise.

The Bride Was a Picture

A Texan woman had a wedding cake made into a life-sized model of herself.  Chidi Ogbuta, 35, had the 5ft cake made to renew her vows after 10 years of marriage to her husband Innocent.

The £3,000 cake took five weeks to make, needed two gallons of amaretto, 50 lbs of sugar, 200 eggs, and weighed a whopping 400lb.

It needed four men to lift it into the wedding venue.

More Amusing Bride Cartoons and Stories

Not So Funny Bride Cartoons

Cartoon by King.

Funny Wedding Vows

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom, John, approached the minister with an unusual offer.

‘I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to “love, honor and obey and forsake all others,” I want you to just leave that part out.’

John gave the puzzled minister the cash and walked away satisfied.

On the wedding day, when the minister came to the groom’s vows, he looked John in the eye and said, ‘Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?’

John exhaled, then gulped, looked around at the guests, and managed to answer, ‘I will.’ Then he leaned toward the minister and hissed, ‘I thought we had a deal.’

The minister slipped the $100 into his hand and whispered back, ‘She made me a much better offer.’

The Most Popular Names for a Bridegroom:

1. David
2. James
3. Andrew
4. Richard
5. Mark
6. Paul
7. Matthew
8. Simon
9. Michael
10. Daniel

The Most Popular Names for a Bride

1. Sarah
2. Laura
3. Emma
4. Claire
5. Rebecca
6. Helen
7. Rachel
8. Victoria
9. Kate
10. Jennifer

Footnote: The list was compiled by John Lewis in England in October 2010.

Will and Guy muse, how many Saras (number 1 girl’s name) married Davids (number 1 boy’s name)?  And so on down the list.

The New Bride: A Clean, Funny, and Silly Story

Sarah new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, ‘Richard doesn’t appreciate what I do for him.’

‘Now, now,’ her mother comforted, ‘I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.’

‘No, mother, you don’t understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price.’

‘Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate,’ says her mum.  ‘Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.’

‘No, Mother it wasn’t the price of the turkey. It was the airplane ticket.’  “Aeroplane ticket….” What did you need an airplane ticket for?’

‘Well, Mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said “Prepare from a frozen state,” so I flew to Alaska.’

The Bride Is Always White

Cindy was just 9 years old, this was the third wedding she had been to that summer.  She turned to her mother and asked:

“Mom, why is the bride always wearing a beautiful white dress?”

Oh, that baby, is because it’s the happiest day of her life.

“In that case why is the groom wearing a black suit?”

Funny Bride Pictures

Amusing pictures and funny stories about brides and their weddings.

A New Meanings To: ‘Take the Plunge’

Amateur Rock Climbers’ Wedding

It’s not every bride who wears huge boots beneath her wedding dress say Will and Guy. However, that’s what Hana donned along with her delicate pink gown. Meanwhile, her husband-to-be swapped his usual climbing gear in favor of a smart black suit and pink bow tie.

Rather than hold the ceremony in a church the couple swapped vows while perched on a tall, sandstone rock in Mseno in the Czech Republic. While the official conducting the service stayed on firmer ground, the bride, groom, and bridesmaid nimbly leaped from one rock to another.

Bride Wears Dress Made of Wool

Shepherdess Louise Fairburn loves her sheep – so got married in a woolen wedding dress made entirely from shearing some of her own flock.

Louise also carried a Bo-beep style crook instead of a bouquet, guests were given chocolate sheep-shaped favors and the ring bearer’s cushion was made from fleece. Mrs. Fairburn amazed guests with the unique gown she designed herself made with wool from one of her Lincoln Longwools called ‘Olivia’. She extended the woolly theme to the rest of her big day with groom Ian, 42, also wearing a woolen waistcoat made from one of the couple’s flock.

Photo: Raymonds

Not So Funny Bride Pictures and Cartoons

Mind You – It Could Be Worse!

Hilarious, Side-Splitting Wedding Day Jokes

The Brooms

Two brooms were hanging in the cupboard and after a while, they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride’s broom, the other the groom’s broom.

The bride’s broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groom’s broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,

‘I think I am going to have a little broom.’

‘Impossible,’ said the groom broom. ‘We haven’t even swept together.’

The Newly Wed Couple’s Disastrous Evening

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen so they go to the police station to make a full report.

A detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime and to their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, “I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital.  Please forgive the inconvenience.  Here are two tickets for tonight’s concert of Lady Gaga the singing star.”

Their faith in humanity is restored, and the couple attends the concert and returns home late.  They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house, from the basement to the attic.  And, there is
a note on the door reading, “Well, you still have your car.  I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don’t I?”

A Woman Should Have – Every Woman Should Know

Sage advice for girls from 8 to 80.  Help in deciding what’s important and what aspirations to cultivate.  Also humorous guidance on what to look for in men at different ages.

A Woman Should Have …

• Enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to…
• Something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour…
• A youth she’s content to leave behind…
• A past juicy enough that she’s looking forward to retelling it in her old age…
• A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra…
• One friend who always makes her laugh… and one who lets her cry…
• A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family…
• Eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal, that will make her guests feel honoured…
• A feeling of control over her destiny.
• How to fall in love without losing herself.
• How to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship…
• When to try harder… and WHEN TO WALK AWAY…
• That she can’t change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents…
• That her childhood may not have been perfect…but it’s over…
• What she would and wouldn’t do for love or more…
• How to live alone… even if she doesn’t like it…
• Whom she can trust, whom she can’t, and why she shouldn’t take it personally.. ..
• Where to go, be it to her best friend’s kitchen table, or a charming inn in the woods; when her soul needs soothing…
• What she can and can’t accomplish in a day…a month…and a year…

What Women Want in a Man:

What Women Want in a Man. Age 20

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What Women Want in a Man. Age 30

1. Nice looking [prefer hair on his head]
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What Women Want in a Man. Age 40

1. Not too ugly [bald head OK]
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady – splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers the punch lines of jokes
6. Is it in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What Women Want in a Man. Age 50

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting
5. Doesn’t re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What Women Want in a Man. Age 60

1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remember where the bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remember that it’s the weekend

What Women Want in a Man. Age 70+

1. Breathing
2. Doesn’t miss the toilet

A Woman Should Have … Every Woman Should Know

Will Says: Funny Advice for Women.
Guy Says: Advice for Funny Women

1. Aspire to be Barbie – That girl has everything.
2. If the shoe fits – Buy them in every color.
3. Take life with a pinch of salt – A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.
4. In need of a support group? – Cocktail hour with the girls.
5. Go on the 30-day diet.- I’m on it and so far I’ve lost 15 days.
6. When life gets you down – Just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.
8. I know I’m in my own little world, but it’s OK. – They know me here.
9. Lead me not into temptation. – I can find it myself.
10. Don’t get your knickers in a knot. – It solves nothing and makes you walk funny.
11. When life gives you lemons in 2010 – Turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.
12. Remember wherever there is a good-looking, sweet, single, or married man – There is probably some woman tired of his behavior.
13. Keep your chin up: Only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest.
14. If it has Tyres or Testicles – it’s going to give you trouble.
15. By the time a woman realizes her mother was right: She has a daughter who thinks she’s wrong.

“Good friends are like stars – You don’t always see them, but you know they are always there”.
“Remember yesterday. Dream about tomorrow. – But live for today”.

Now smile and send to any girl wasting time at work; suffering from a hangover; or just suffering from life; or having anything going on and might need a reason to smile.

Will and Guy’s 10 Funny Thoughts About Women

1. What is better than wisdom? Woman. And what is better than a good woman? Nothing.
2. Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
3. A woman knows how to keep quiet when she is in the right, whereas a man, when he is in the right, will keep on talking.
4. A woman is a miracle of divine contradictions.
5. Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
6. If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
7. One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.
8. I like my whisky old and my women young.
9. Most women are not always as young as they are painted.
10. What a strange thing man is; and what a stranger thing woman.

A Funny, Hilarious Story Illustrating What Women Want In Life

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur’s youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question? What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query; but, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end.

Arthur returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men, and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.  The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table* and Arthur’s closest friend. Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, and made obscene noises. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

Arthur refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur’s question thus: ‘What a woman really wants,’ she answered, ‘is to be in charge of her own life.’

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur’s life would be spared and so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom, and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom; what a sight awaited him. There was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen before him. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened and the beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day….or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below, but….make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow her to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now …..what is the moral of this story?

Scroll down

The moral is: “If you don’t let a woman have her own way….things are going to get ugly”

Author unknown; kindly sent in by Maggie Nutt.

* At the Great Hall in Winchester, England, [the ancient capital city] there is a round table hanging on the wall at one end of the hall. This table actually dates from the Middle Ages and has been repainted many times since then. The names of the knights are written around the table edge.

Best Love Quotes

Will and Guy have searched the internet and have found the best love quotes to entertain our readers.

Love Quotes and Beautiful Sayings

Give her two red roses, each with a note. The first note is for the woman I love and the second, is for my best friend.

• True love is not how you forgive, but how you forget, not what you see but what you feel, not how you listen but how you understand, and not how you let go but how you hold on
• True love is not about the hugs and kisses, the “I love you’s” or the “I miss you’s”, but about the chills that hit every part of your spine when you think about him
• For it was not into my ear you whispered but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.
• True love begins when nothing is looked for in return.
• You may hold my hand for a while, but you hold my heart forever.
• Had we never lov’d sae kindly, Had we never lov’d sae blindly, Never met — or never parted — we had never been broken-hearted.  Robert Burns

More True Love Quotes

• Don’t walk in front of me, I may not follow; don’t walk behind me, I may not lead; walk beside me, and just be my friend.  Albert Camus
• You may only be someone in the world, but to someone else, you may be the world.
• This day I will marry my friend, the one I laugh with, live for, dream with, love.
• Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Others stay awhile, make footprints on our hearts and we are never, ever the same.
  

Ten Funny, Thought-Provoking, and Amusing Quotes

1. Forget love…….. I’d rather fall in chocolate.
2. It’s easy to halve the potato where there’s love.  Irish proverb
3. Love is blind; it’s marriage that is the eye-opener
4. I laugh, I love, I hope, I try I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry. And I know you do the same things too, so we’re really not that different, me and you. Colin Raye
5. Love is the only kind of fire that is never covered by insurance.
6. Love at first sight is possible, but it pays to take a second look.
7. Love is like a game of chess: one false move and you’re mated.
8. Platonic love is love from the neck up.
9. The greater love is a mother’s; then comes a dog’s; then a sweetheart’s.  Polish proverb
10. A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears.  Woodrow Wyatt

A Personal Favourite Quotation

Young love is a flame; very pretty, often very hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. The love of the older and disciplined heart is as coals, deep-burning, unquenchable.  Henry Ward Beecher

Funny Differences Between Genders

Will and Guy have discovered that the difference between men and women is not only physiological; there are many other gender differences and several of them are amusing. We say, ‘Vive la différence.’

7 Funny Gender Differences in Relationships

1. Bathrooms

A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, a razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from Tesco.

The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. [A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.]

2. Eating out

When the bill arrives, Russell, John, and Trevor will each throw in £20, even though it’s only £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. Nicknames

If Claire, Louise, and Hannah go out for lunch, they will call each other Claire, Louise, and Hannah.

If Russell, John, and Trevor go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Jackson, Parrot-face, and TC [Top Cat – from the 1970’s television cartoon series].

4 Cats

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

5. Future

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

6. Success

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

7. Marriage

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

Thought for Today:

What do men and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up.

Arguments:

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

True Mates – Gender Differences

Julie didn’t come home one night.  When Tom asked her where she’d been she said she spent the night at a girlfriend’s house.

Tom was a bit suspicious she’d been “rooting around” so rang her ten closest friends, but none of them had seen her.

The following week Tom didn’t come home one night. Julie asks him where he’d been.  So Tom says he got a bit drunk at a mate’s place and thought it was safer not to drive but crash out there.

Julie thinks he’s been “rooting around” so rings his ten best mates. In true male style – eight of them say he spent the night there and two claim he’s still there.

Men and Women Shopping!

The Difference Between Genders

It’s fascinating to see communication differences between men and women.  Incidentally, the correct word here is indeed gender, this has everything to do with masculinity and femininity and nothing to do with sex.

10 Recommendations Made By Men to Women

1. Don’t tell anyone we can’t afford a new car. Tell them we don’t want one.
2. Please don’t drive when you’re not driving.
3. A simple ‘ Yes ‘ is fine when the waiter asks if everything’s okay.
4. What do you mean, “leering?” She’s obstructing my view.
5. When I’m turning the wheel and the car is heading for the slip road, saying, ‘Oh, this is our exit, dearest,’ is not really necessary.
6. When you’re not around, I belch so loudly that I even appall myself.
7. “Sports Report” starts at 5 pm on a Saturday and runs for one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your mother.
8. If we see each other in the morning and at night, why phone me at work?
9. You probably don’t want to know what I’m thinking about.
10. Never buy a “new” brand of beer because ‘it was on sale.’

Dress Sense – Polarises Gender Differences

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail A man will dress up for weddings, and funerals.

More Amusing Gender Observations and Jokes

Have a Laugh with Will and Guy – or at Least a Smile

How To Show a Girl a Good Time

To impress his date, Randy, a young man, took her to a very posh Italian restaurant in Greenwich Village.

After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered. ‘We’ll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci,’ he said.

‘Sorry, sir,’ said the waiter. ‘That’s the owner.’

What Price A Good Woman?

In East Windsor Hospital in Connecticut, USA, the relatives gathered in the waiting room as their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre. ‘I’m afraid I am the bearer of bad news,’ he said as he surveyed the worried faces, ‘The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.’

The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news. After a few minutes, one asked, ‘Well, how much does a brain cost?’

The doctor responded quickly, ‘$50,000 for a male brain, and $2,000 for a female brain.’ [£32,500 GBP – £13000 GBP]

The moment turned awkward. The men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some smirked. One man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, ‘Why is the male brain so much more than the female brain?’ The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then replied to the entire group, ‘It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains because they’ve been used.’

Memory Tests

1. Men forget everything; women remember everything. That’s why men need instant replays in sports because they’ve already forgotten what happened.
2. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
3. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments soccer games and romances best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.  A man is vaguely aware of some small people living in the house.
4. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or a movie?

Book of the Week:

My wife suggested that a good book for me to read to enhance our relationship. The title is, “Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.”

How To Help Around The House

Philip was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way he had enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible.

He ignored his wife Paula’s not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around the house, but Philip didn’t realize how much this bothered her until the clothes dryer refused to work, the iron shorted and the sewing machine motor burned out in the middle of a seam. The final straw came when she plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing happened.

Paula looked so stricken that I had to offer some consolation.

‘That’s OK, darling,’ Philip said. ‘You still have me.’

Paula looked up at him with tears in her eyes. ‘Yes, Philip,’ she wailed, ‘but you don’t work either.’

How To Show Consideration For The Good Woman

Two married friends, Ross and Allan went on a drinking binge together and Ross started his tale of woe.

He said, ‘Whenever I go home late at night after spending some time with my friends at a bar, I turn the headlights and engine off before and coast the car in my garage very, very silently. I sneak up the stairs only after taking off my shoes and ease very slowly into bed. Still, my wife wakes up and all hell breaks loose as she starts shouting g at me for drinking and for being out so late.’

Allan gave Ross a long meaningful stare, shook his head, and commented, ‘Mate, try my method. I screech into the driveway, slam all doors noisily, storm up the steps, throw my clothes and shoes all over the place as I undress, and then jump into the bed and…………my wife is always sound asleep.’

Funny Husband Jokes

Here is a subject that Will and Guy understand: husband jokes.

To catch a husband is an art; to hold him is a job – Simone De Beauvoir.

Husband for Sale!

A chain of stores that sells husbands has just opened in a town near you. The idea is that a single woman may visit the store and choose her husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch …  You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband’s Store to find a spouse.

On the first floor, the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men have jobs and love the Lord. The second-floor sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids. The third-floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good-looking.

“Wow,” she thinks but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good-looking, and help with the housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!” Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6: You are visitor 5,3018 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

[Footnote: This funny husband joke was kindly sent by Isi]

Husband Files Missing Person Report

Gilbert Parsons went to the police station to file a “missing person” report for his missing wife, this is a true transcript of his conversation with the police officer.

Husband: I lost my wife, Gale, she went shopping at Macy’s and hasn’t come back yet.

Officer: How tall is she?
Husband: I never checked.

Officer: Slim or healthy?
Husband: Not slim, can be healthy.

Officer: What color are Gale’s eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.

Officer: What color of her hair?
Husband: That changes according to season.

Officer: What was she wearing?
Husband: Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.

Officer: Was she driving?
Husband: Yes.

Officer: What color of the car?
Husband: Silver Ford Focus Zetec 1.6 engine, automatic drive, 2015 plate.  Scratch on the offside
driver’s panel, and a crack in the front headlight ……. and then the husband started crying …..

Officer: Don’t worry sir … we will find your car.

Assorted Husband Jokes

Wife’s Birthday

‘Today is my wife’s birthday,’ announces Archie to his mate, Bert.

‘What are you getting for her?’ enquires Bert.

‘Make me an offer!’ responds Archie with a grin.

Husband Insurance Policy 1

Hooligans had set fire to a farmer’s haystack which then spread to his barn.

While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife ‘phoned their insurance company and asked them to send a check for £30,000, [$60,000] the amount of insurance on the barn.

‘We don’t give you the money,’ a company official explained. We replace the barn and all the equipment in it.’

‘In that case,’ replied the wife, ‘cancel the policy I have on my husband.’

Husband Insurance Policy 2

An insurance salesman was trying to persuade, Mrs Warren, a housewife, to buy a life insurance policy.

‘Just imagine,’ he pronounced, ‘if your husband was to die tomorrow, what would you get?’

‘Oh, a Yorkshire terrier dog, I think,’ responded Mrs Warren brightly, ‘they’re so well-behaved.’

Lucky Escape?

A husband took his wife to a disco.  There was a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turned to her husband and said, “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

Husband said: “Looks like he’s still celebrating!”

A Pack of Playing Cards?

They say that marriage is like a deck of cards, you start out with two hearts and a diamond, and end up with a club and a spade.

Funny Husband

‘Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is usually the husband.’

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, email, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

‘When you finish cutting the grass,’ I said, ‘you might as well sweep the driveway.’

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Five Rules For Men To Follow For A Happy Life:

1.  It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It’s important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.
4. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes to be with you.
5. It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

Footnote: Please send us your funny husband jokes. For example:

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.  Bring your husbands.

Funny Irish Wedding Jokes

Irish Wedding Research

Will and Guy have always retained an enormous affection for the country of Ireland and its people. We particularly enjoyed the beauty of the Irish countryside and the golf course; we liked the humor, the culture, the poetry, and the music. Horse racing is one Irish passion which we share; as is the game of golf and the Irish ability to enjoy a good *craic.

When we decided to research Irish Weddings we were looking for something relaxed, informal, and perhaps a little bit different from what we are used to in Great Britain. What we have found is that the majority of weddings in the Western world follow similar patterns and often have similar traditions. A few things, however, are different and we will highlight those factors.

*craic = is a term variously meaning news, gossip, fun, entertainment, and enjoyable conversation found in Northern England, Scotland, and Ireland.

The Top Ten Irish Wedding Superstitions

The Irish people might be said to have many superstitions and we have recorded our top ten for your enjoyment here.

1. In the 18th and 19th centuries, the Irish believed that if the sun shone on the bride, it would bring good luck to the couple.
2. It is also lucky to hear a cuckoo on the wedding morning or to see three magpies
3. After the wedding ceremony, a man and not a woman must be the first to wish joy to the new bride.
4. If you look at the sun when you leave for your wedding, your children will be beautiful.
5. It’s good luck to have your birthstone in your engagement ring, even if that stone is otherwise thought to be an unlucky gem.
6. It’s good luck if a happily married woman puts the veil on you, but bad luck to put it on yourself.
7. It’s lucky to tear your wedding dress accidentally on your wedding day.
8. The earrings you wear on your wedding day will bring you luck and happiness ever after.
9. It’s lucky to be awakened by birds singing on your wedding morning.
10. Traditionally, Irish brides wore blue wedding dresses rather than white. Blue symbolized purity in olden times and white dresses only became popular after 1499 apparently.

The Traditional Irish Wedding Ring: The Claddagh Ring

The Claddagh ring is a traditional Irish ring given as a token of friendship, love, or marriage. The design and customs associated with it originated in the Irish fishing village of Claddagh, located just outside the city of Galway, Ireland. It is a heart held by two hands with the heart topped by a crown. The hands represent faith, the heart signifies honor and the crown symbolizes love.

Furthermore, we have been told by our old friends Dennis and Maureen Irwin, who have a Claddagh ring that wearing the ring in a certain way can signify 3 different things. a. Worn on a woman’s right hand facing outwards = she is a single woman. b. Worn on the right hand and facing inwards = she is engaged to be married. c. Worn on the left hand it signifies that the woman is married.

Did You Know?

• In County Donegal, when a man wanted to marry a particular girl, he and a friend went to her house and when the door was opened, he’d throw his cap into the house. If the cap was thrown back out, it meant she wasn’t interested.
• Traditionally December 31st, is one of the luckiest days to marry, as is the month of April, with the traditional saying ‘Marry in May and rue the day; marry in April if you can, joy for maiden and for man.’
• The bride should never wear green at her wedding, it is considered unlucky in Ireland.
• Irish brides often returned home on a different path with their new husbands than she took to the church with her fathers. This symbolizes the new road in life she is about to travel.
• It was considered good luck when the married couple would be leaving the church; somebody would through an old shoe over the bride’s head.

Wedding Dress for Sale

Worn once by mistake. Phone Siobhan on 353 21 4394203.

Five Funny Irish Wedding Jokes

1. What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? One less drunk.
2. Declan had asked Cormac for the hand of his daughter in wedlock. ‘And can you support a family?’ asked Cormac. ‘I think so,’ replied Declan. ‘Well there are 6 of us you know,’ answered Cormac.
3. At the wedding reception, the photographer yelled, ‘Would all the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.’ The bartender was almost crushed to death.
4. The hospital’s consulting dietician was giving a lecture to several community nurses from the Dublin area of Leinster. ‘The rubbish we put into our stomachs and consume should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is terrible. Fizzy drinks attack your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with msg. Vegetables can be disastrous because of fertilizers and pesticides and none of us realizes the long-term damage being done by the rotten bacteria in our drinking water. However, there is one food that is incredibly dangerous and we all have, or will, eat it at some time in our lives. Now, is anyone here able to tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?’ A 65-year-old married Irish nursing sister sitting in the front row stood up and said, ‘Wedding cake.’
5. After a lengthy quarrel, Mrs O’Toole said to her husband, Seamus, ‘You know, I was a fool when I married you.’
   Seamus replied quickly, ‘Yes, *muirnín, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.’ *beloved, sweetheart.

Irish Wedding Blessing – For the New Home

Walls for the wind,
And a roof for the rain,
And drinks beside the fire –
Laughter to cheer you
And those you love near you,
And all that your heart may desire!

Footnotes: Will and Guy say that if you are looking for help in preparing your speech then please spend some time reading our carefully prepared pages. If you have any good best-man wedding speech jokes, then please send them to us.

Funny Marriage Jokes and One-liners

The only thing worse than a man you can’t control is a man you can.

Marriage Jokes and One-liners Researched by Alan Turnham

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. (Henny Youngman)
[For those who do not know him, Henny (not Henry) Youngman was an American stand-up comedian.]

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)

Any husband who says. ‘My wife and I are completely equal partners’, is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. (Bill Cosby)

I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. (Rita Rudner)

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterward. (Benjamin Franklin)

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. (Milton Berle)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, ‘There’s water in the carburetor’. I said, ‘Where’s the car?’  She said, ‘In the lake.’ (Henny Youngman)

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)

Brigands demand your money or your life, women require both. (Samuel Butler)

Anonymous Marriage One-liners

• At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, ‘Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?’
  The other replied, ‘Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.’
• After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, ‘You know, I was a fool when I married you.’ The husband replied, ‘Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.’
• A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: ‘Wife wanted’.  The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’
• When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. The second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
• I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
• I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.
• Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
• My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
• A husband said to his wife, ‘No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.’
• A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, ‘OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death.’
• How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done for free.
• A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
• The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

Five Fun Facts and Funny Marriage Trivia

1. Show Me A Marriage With Humour and I’ll Show You A Healthy Marriage.
2. ‘Diamonds are a girl’s best friend’ but did you know that until the 15th century, only kings wore diamonds, as a symbol of strength, courage, and invincibility? In India, where the diamond was first discovered, it was valued more for its magic than its beauty and was believed to protect the wearer from fire, snakes, illnesses, thieves, and great evil.
3. Wearing a wedding ring on the fourth finger of the left-hand dates back to ancient Egypt, where it was believed that the vein of love ran from this finger directly to the heart.
4. The youngest couple ever to marry was an eleven-month-old boy and a three-month-old girl who were married in Bangladesh in 1986. The marriage was arranged in order to settle a twenty-year feud over a disputed piece of farmland.
5. The most fantastic gift of love is the Taj Mahal in India. It was built by Mughal Emperor Shahjahan as a memorial to his wife, who died in childbirth. Work on the Taj began in 1634 and continued for almost 22 years. required the labor of 20,000 workers from all over India and Central Asia.

A True Story About Luke’s Wife

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, my wife, new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t get her brand-new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn’t plane at high speed at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, she walked over to the nearby marina.  Maybe they could tell her what was wrong.

A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch.

So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath the boat.  He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.  Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

Light-Hearted Funny Marriage Notions Worth Remembering

1. The matrimonial pollsters contend their studies indicate the man who kisses his wife goodbye when he leaves for work every morning averages a higher income than does the fellow who doesn’t do that thing. Husbands who exercise the rituals of affection tend to be more painstaking, more stable, more methodical, and thus higher earners, it’s believed.
2. The heart is the most common symbol of romantic love. Ancient cultures believed the human soul lived in the heart. Others thought it to be the source of emotion and intelligence. Some believed the heart embodied a man’s truth, strength, and nobility. The heart may be associated with love because the ancient Greeks believed it was the target of Eros, known as Cupid to the Romans. Anyone shot in the heart by one of Cupid’s arrows would fall hopelessly in love. Because the heart is so closely linked to love, its red color is thought to be the
   most romantic.
3. To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you’re wrong admit it; Whenever you’re right shut up. – Ogden Nash.
4. Marriage is a very expensive way to get your laundry done.
5. Marriage is an institution where two people come together to solve problems they never had before they got married.
6. The alleged most commonly used words of endearment: Honey (48%), Baby (44%), Sweetheart (41%), Dear (39%), Lover (32%), Darling (31%), Sugar (24%), Angel (20%), Pumpkin (13%), Beautiful (6%).

Mother-in-Law Joke

In the morning the day after I was married, the phone rang.’ Reverse charges call from Jackie, ‘said the operator.’
Will you accept the charges?’

I couldn’t think of anyone that I knew who was called Jackie; so I said no and put down the ‘phone.

A moment later, the phone rang again. ‘Hi, Margaret, it’s Jackie’, said a familiar voice, ‘your mother-in-law.’

Funny Marriage Stories and Jokes

Will and Guy’s collection of amusing and sometimes funny matrimony yarns and jokes

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.  Groucho Marx

Wedding Bells Again for Amazing Woman

Woman with Sense of Humour Marries 23 Times

Linda Wolfe, aged 68, who was first married at the age of 16, admits she became ‘addicted to the romance’ of getting hitched. Will and Guy note that grandmother, with 23 ex-husbands, has been recognized as the most married woman in the world. Mrs Wolfe from Anderson, Indiana, USA can no longer list her husbands in order but remembers the nicest was a Mr George Scott, her first and, at seven years, her longest marriage.

We find it amusing to record that she has been single now for 12 years, her longest stint unmarried since childhood, ‘But I would get married again,’ she told us laughing, ‘because, you know, it gets lonely.’

More Funny Marriage Stories from Mrs Wolfe to Make You Smile

• Linda, once married the same man, Jack Gourley, three times.
• Her longest marriage lasted seven years. Her shortest was just 36 hours.
• Over the subsequent decades, she married a one-eyed convict, a preacher, barmen, plumbers, and musicians.
• Two were homeless and one beat her.  Another put a padlock on her fridge.

Her last marriage, a decade ago, was a publicity stunt. It was to Glynn Wolfe, who in taking Linda as his bride meant he was the world’s most married man, at 29 times. He died a year later aged 88.

A Pack of Playing Cards?

They say that marriage is like a deck of cards, you start out with two hearts and a diamond, and end up with a club and a spade.

Good Insurance Policy?

Hooligans had set fire to a farmer’s haystack which then spread to his barn.

While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife ‘phoned their insurance company and asked them to send a check for £30,000, [$60,000] the amount of insurance on the barn.

‘We don’t give you the money,’ a company official explained. We replace the barn and all the equipment in it.’

‘In that case,’ replied the wife, ‘cancel the policy I have on my husband.’

An Unbelievable Marriage Story

If Your Wife is a Nag

Will and Guy have discovered an allegedly true but outrageous marriage story.

Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife’s incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted.

Apparently, on hearing a disturbance their neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place.

As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack.

We can confirm that Mr Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife have been reconciled.

Interesting Night Out

After a wild night of drink, drugs, and debauchery, Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That’s when he realized he had made it home safely.

Marriage Over the Years

Some people have strange views on the subject of marriage

1. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
2. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
3. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

A Heavenly Marriage

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs.

Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Where it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite anisette-sprinkled cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, and the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife….. ‘Back off!’ she said, ‘they’re for the funeral.’

Marriage Advice

David, a young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach. The marriage counselor, trying to be creative, told him, ‘If you wish to save your marriage, David, you’d better be a little boulder.’

Ten Funny Marriage Stories and Jokes

1. Life Insurance

An insurance salesman was trying to persuade, Mrs Warren, a housewife, to buy a life insurance policy.

‘Just imagine,’ he pronounced, ‘if your husband was to die tomorrow, what would you get?’

‘Oh, a Yorkshire terrier dog, I think,’ responded Mrs Warren brightly, ‘they’re so well-behaved.’

2. Since Marriage I’ve Changed

Only last week, in the local pub, I bumped into Ricky. We chatted over a pint and he surprised me by announcing, ‘Mark, Rosie, and I are getting a divorce.’

I was stunned, ‘Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together.’

‘Well,’ Ricky stated, ‘ever since we got married, Rosie has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night, and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, and how to invest in the stock market.’

‘Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you?’ I probed. ‘Nah, I’m not bitter,’ Ricky continued, ‘now that I’m so improved, Rosie just isn’t good enough for me.’

3. Wife’s Birthday

‘Today is my wife’s birthday,’ announces Archie to his mate, Bert.

‘What are you getting for her?’ enquires Bert.

‘Make me an offer!’ responds Archie with a grin.

4. Foolish Marriage?

After a lengthy quarrel, Mandy said to her husband, Dave, ‘You know, I was a fool when I married you.’

Dave replied quickly, ‘Yes, Mandy, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.’

5. Wedding Engagement

Enid, the bride-to-be, upon her engagement, went to her mother and told her, ‘I’ve found a man just like father.’

Her mother replied, ‘So, Enid, what do you want from me, sympathy?’

6. More Funny Quotations on Marriage

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher…and that is a good thing for any man. – Socrates

Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and Father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

If your wife laughs at your joke, it means you either have a good joke or a good wife.

7. Do You Know Your Wife?

‘Is it true, Dad,’ asked Laurence, that in ancient China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries.’

‘That happens everywhere, Laurence, everywhere!’ responds his father.

8. Influenza and the Wife: A Funny Short Tale

Peter came down with the ‘flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife, Sally, loved him.

Sally was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’

9. Beauty and the Beast

Mrs Brown: Don’t you think that man over there is the ugliest person you’ve ever seen?

Mrs Parr: That’s my husband. Mrs Brown: Oh dear, I’m so sorry. Mrs Parr: You’re sorry ………..!

10. Clue to Happiness in Marriage

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

A Serious Marriage Finding:

Happiness Correlates with Marriage

Naturally, you can be unhappily married, but a lot of people are content with their marital lot.  Overall, people in successful marriages are happier than people who are not.

There are those who are not married, but who are in stable, committed relationships.  As long as this is effectively the same as marriage, then they also tend to be happier.

A Real-life Humorous Marriage

The White Rabbit Marries Alice

A Love Story from Cornwall, England

Jane and Mark Sharp-Hall’s wedding was so very different since they and their guests all dressed up as characters from the novel ‘Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland’ (commonly shortened to ‘Alice in Wonderland’).

Alice and the White Rabbit

They were married dressed as Alice and the White Rabbit from * Carroll’s 1865 novel, while the best man came as the Mad Hatter and other guests played the Queen of Hearts, Cheshire Cat, Caterpillar, and 28 playing cards.

‘This is the second time round for both of us and we did it traditionally the last time so we thought we’d do everything a bit differently this time,’ said Mrs. Sharp-Hall, who spent more than a year creating the costumes.

* Alias of English author Charles Lutwidge Dodgson

The couple married underground at Poldark Mine in Cornwall, where they also enjoyed a Mad Hatter-inspired tea party – including little ‘Eat Me ‘cakes.

This Is How Fights Begin in Marriage

1. Why are married women heavier than single women? Because single women come home, see what’s in the fridge, and go to bed, whereas married women come home, see what’s in the bed, and go to the fridge!
2. I asked my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’ It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. ‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time.’ she said. So I suggested, ‘How about the kitchen?’ And that’s when the fight started…
3. My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 6.4 seconds.’ I bought her a scale. And then the fight started…
4. I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. ‘I’ll have the rump steak, medium rare, please.’ She said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’ ‘Nah, she can order for herself.’ And then the fight started…
5. A woman was looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat, and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’ The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s absolutely perfect.’ And then the fight started…..
6. My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’ I said, ‘Dust.’ And then the fight started…..

Please Marry Me

Photo: Rex

A man who lives in Australia persuaded 40 of his friends and family to make a human chain spelling out the words “marry me”. Will and Guy do not know if the woman involved agrees. Please inform us if you know.

Funny Mother-in-Law Jokes

Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife, and a surprised mother-in-law.

Funny, Witty, Clean Mother-in-law One-liners

• Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two Mothers-in-law.
• A pharmacist tells a customer, ‘In order to buy arsenic you need a legal prescription. A picture of your mother-in-law just isn’t enough.’
• My mother-in-law is banned internationally from playing poker, as she keeps all the chips on her shoulder.
• Adam and Eve were the happiest, and the luckiest, couple in the world, because neither of them had a mother-in-law.
• What is the difference between outlaws and in-laws? Outlaws are Wanted.
• I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud’s chamber of horrors and one of the attendants said, ‘Keep he moving sir, we’re stocktaking.’
• Fred and Rick were in a pub. Fred says to his mate, ‘My mother-in-law is an angel.’ Rick replies, ‘You’re lucky. Mine is still alive.’

Will and Guy’s Favourite Mother-in-law Joke

Harry was traveling down a country road in his native Yorkshire, England when he saw a large group of people outside a farmhouse.

It was a cold January afternoon, so he stopped and asked Farmer Giles why such a large crowd of men was gathered there.

The farmer replied, ‘Eddie’s donkey kicked his mother-in-law and she died.’

‘Well,’ replied the man, ‘She must have had a lot of friends.’

‘Nope,’ said Giles.’ We all just want to buy his donkey.’

Mother-in-law

Give you all hope of peace so long as your mother-in-law is alive.

Juvenal 40-125 AD  (Roman poet)

Short Mother-in-law Jokes

Overheard in a restaurant:

She: This wine is described as full-bodied and imposing with a nutty base, a sharp bite, and a bitter aftertaste. He: Are you describing the wine or your mother?

Open Door Policy

The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door, there was my mother-in-law on the front step. She said, ‘Can I stay here for a few days?’  I said, ‘Sure you can.’ And shut the door in her face.

Newlywed Surprise

The newlywed wife, Monica, said to her husband, Nick, when he returned from work, ‘I have great news for you. Pretty soon we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.’

Nick started glowing with happiness and kissing Monica purred, ‘Oh darling, I’m the happiest man in the world.’

Monica smiled and added, ‘I’m glad that you feel that way, Nick, because tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us.’

Final Complaint

Tomorrow it’s the mother-in-law’s funeral…and she’s canceled it.

Paul: I was sorry to hear that your mother-in-law died. What was the complaint? Phil: We haven’t had any yet.

Care for Your Mother-in-law

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, ‘You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150.’

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, ‘Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only £150?’

The man replied, ‘a man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.’

Solomon Delivers Justice to Mother-in-Law

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man. ‘This young man agreed to marry my daughter,’ said one.

‘No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,’ said the other. And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.

‘Bring me my biggest sword,’ said Solomon, ‘and I shall hew the young man in half.  Each of you shall receive a half.’

‘Sounds good to me,’ said the first lady. But the other woman said, ‘Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman’s daughter marry him.’

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. ‘This man must marry the first lady’s daughter,’ he proclaimed. ‘But she was willing to hew him in two!’ exclaimed the king’s court.

‘Indeed,’ said wise King Solomon. ‘That shows she is the true mother-in-law.’

Mothers

• God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers. – A Jewish Proverb

Not A Mother-in-law Joke, A True Story!

An unnamed Englishman man accidentally? left his aged mother-in-law in a ferry port car park, while he and his wife took a day trip on the Dover to Calais ferry.  However, they realized halfway across to France that the mother-in-law was still in the back of the car.  Frankly, Will and Guy blame the wife as much, if not more, than the poor son-in-law.

Port of Dover police received a call asking them to check vehicles in a multi-story car park for an abandoned old lady.  They duly found the lady, and in true British style gave her a nice cup of tea.  When the couple returned from Calais, in time-honored mother-in-law style she gave them a piece of her mind.

“We all know about mothers-in-law and what a nightmare they can be but this guy took it to the limit,” a police source told reporters.  “He’ll never live this down and he’ll be getting it in the ear from now until the end of time. It was a nightmare for the old dear.”

What Will and Guy like about this Mother-in-law saga is that fact is always stranger than fiction.  Furthermore, it is true stories, such as this, that act as seeds for all the related jokes.

Les Dawson had the best mother-in-law joke.

My mother-in-law caused an argument in a pub and half a dozen men set upon her and dragged her to the floor, screaming.  The barman turned to Les and asked “Aren’t you going to help?” “Nah!” says Les, “Six should be enough!”

[Kindly sent in by Trevor Warland]

A Prospective Italian Mother-in-law

Mrs Ravioli comes to visit her son Rocco for dinner; he lives with a female roommate, Maria.  During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty Rocco’s roommate was.

As the evening went on, MaMa watched the two interact and started to wonder if there was more between Rocco and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, Rocco volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.”

About a week later, Maria came to Rocco saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”

“Well, I doubt it, but I’ll email her, just to be sure.” So Rocco sat down and wrote this email:

…. Several days later, Rocco received this response from his MaMa:

Dear MaMa,

I’m not saying that you “did” take the sugar bowl from my house; I’m not saying that you “did not” take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son
Rocco

[Footnote, thanks to Joy for sending in this joke]

Dear son,

I’m not saying that you “do” sleep with Maria, and I’m not saying that you “do not” sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving MaMa

More Clever, Witty, and Funny Mother-in-Law Jokes

Psychic Mother-in-law

When Roger came home, his wife, Norma, was crying. ‘Your mother insulted me,’ she sobbed.

‘My mother?’ spluttered Roger, ‘How could she do that when she is on holiday on the other side of the world?’

‘I know.’ Norma gulped, ‘But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious.’

‘And?’

‘At the end of the letter it was written:

Dear Norma, When you have finished reading this letter, don’t forget to give it to my son, Roger.’

Murphy’s Law?  No.  Mother-in-law’s Choice

Alexis, a young man, excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married.  He tells her, ‘Ma, I’m going to bring over 3 women and you must try and guess which one I’m going to marry.’

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. Later, he says, ‘Okay Mother dear, guess which one I’m going to marry.’

She immediately replies, ‘The one on the right.’

‘That’s amazing, Ma. You’re correct. How did you know?’

The mother replies, ‘I don’t like her.’

• My mother-in-law and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met each other.

Unwanted Gift

A constantly nagged and harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year Christmas came again and this year he didn’t buy her any presents.

His mother-in-law was upset and asked the son-in-law why she had forgotten this time.

The angry son-in-law responded, ‘Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year.’

Help Mother in Law

Louise, a young wife came home one day and found her mother standing in a bucket of water with her finger stuck in the light socket.

Ian, her young husband was standing by the switch.

‘Hello, darling,’ greeted the mother, ‘Ian has had this marvelous idea for curing my rheumatism.’

Did You Know?

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange her letters you get: WOMAN HITLER

Funny Relationship Jokes and Marriage Jokes

• Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. Voltaire

Short Relationship Jokes

Why We Split Up

She told me we couldn’t afford beer anymore and I’d have to quit. Then I caught her spending $65 on make-up. So I asked, how come I had to give up stuff and not her?

She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don’t think she’s coming back.

Happy Anniversary:

‘You think so much of golf that you don’t even remember when we were married.’

‘Of course I do, my dear, it was the day I sank that forty-foot putt.’

Good Women Are Hard to Find

Nigel and Stephen, are keen fishermen and wine drinkers; here you can see a photo taken while they are enjoying some night fishing while on holiday, with their wives, in Poitou-Charente, France, last year.

Slurping a large Bordeaux Supérieur, Nigel announces, ‘I think I’m going to divorce my wife, she hasn’t spoken to me in eighteen months.’

Stephen downs his glass of the red wine thoughtfully and after a while responds, ‘Think it over a bit more, Nige; women like that are hard to find.’

Actual Advertisement in The New York Post:

For Sale by owner: Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica. 45 volumes.  Excellent condition. $1,000 or the best offer.

No longer needed.  Got married last weekend.

Wife knows everything.

Good Basis for Marriage?

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

‘Oh, we’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship, ‘the wife explained. He was a communication major in college and I majored in theatre arts. He communicates really well and I just act like I’m listening.’

Funny and Thought-Provoking Relationships and Marriage Stories

Learn to Read the Signs

Geoff had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that for years he called his wife, Anita, “Mother of Six,” in spite of her regular objections.

One evening, in their retirement years, they go to a party. It is late and Geoff is ready to go home and wants to find out if Anita is ready to leave as well.

Geoff bellows at the top of his voice, ‘Shall we go home, Mother of Six?’

Anita, greatly irritated by Geoff’s lack of discretion over so many years, yells back at him, ‘Anytime you’re ready, “Father of Four”.’

Suspicious Mind

Russ, a deeply suspicious husband, hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. In addition to a written report, the husband wanted a video of his wife’s affairs.

A week later, the detective returned with a film. They sat down together and proceeded to watch it.  Although the quality was less than professional, Russ saw his wife meeting another man.  He saw the two of them strolling arm in arm and laughing in the park. Russ viewed them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.  He then watched them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. Russ saw them having fun and continually laughing together.

‘I just can’t believe this,’ spluttered the distraught Russ.

‘What’s not to believe?’ the detective responded. ‘It’s right up there on the screen.’

‘I simply can’t believe my wife could be so much fun.’ Russ replies grimly.

Ten Short Relationship Jokes

1. I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.
2. Love is grand… Divorce is 75 grand.
3. Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow. – Swedish Proverb
4. Don’t smother each other. No one can grow in the shade. – Leo Buscaglia
5. Someone to tell it to is one of the fundamental needs of human beings. – Miles Franklin
6. Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. ‘Pooh!’ he whispered. ‘Yes, Piglet?’ ‘Nothing,’ said Piglet, taking Pooh’s paw. ‘I just wanted to be sure of you.’ – A.A. Milne
7. You cannot be lonely if you like the person you’re alone with. – Wayne W. Dyer
8. Soul-mates are people who bring out the best in you. They are not perfect but are always perfect for you. – Anonymous
9. Nature gave us one tongue and two ears so we could hear twice as much as we speak. – Epictetus
10. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. – Mignon McLaughlin

Benefits of a Long Marriage

On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the dinner celebrating it, Byron was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such a long duration.

‘Tell us Byron, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?’

Byron responds, ‘Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all.  It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness, and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.’

What Do You Do All Day?

Eddie came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front garden.

The door of his wife, Valerie’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the hall, Ed found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the rug was piled up against one wall. In the front room, the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the worktop, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

Eddie quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for Valerie. He was worried she might be ill, collapsed, that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap, and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and sink.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found Valerie still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

Eddie looked at Valerie, bewildered, and asked, ‘What happened here today?’

Valerie again smiled and answered, ‘You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me sarcastically what in the world I do all day?’

‘Yes,’ was Eddie’s startled reply.

Valerie answered, ‘Well, today, I didn’t do it.’

Footnote: Relationship story kindly sent in by Maggie Nutt

Funny Men and Women Snippets

Did You Know?

(1) In a recent poll held in the USA, American men and women were asked if they would marry the same person if they had it to do all over again.

80% of the men responded that they would marry the same woman.

Interestingly, only 50% of the women responded that they would marry the same man. Oh dear!

(2) Gamophobia is the fear of marriage.

(3) ‘When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.’ – Warren Farrell (American Psychologist)

How Do Men and Women Decide Who to Marry?

You’ve got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. Martin, age 10.

How would you make a marriage work?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.  Nathan, age 10.

The Natural Look

The other night, my wife and I were going out. She sat there and put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes, mascara, toner, blush, and lipstick, then turned to me and enquired, ‘Does this look natural?’

Another Tranche of Marriage Stories and Relationship Jokes

Why do men have two dogs and not two wives

• The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
• Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
• A dog’s parents never visit you.
• Dogs like it if you leave things on the floor.
• Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
• Dogs like to do their snooping outside, rather than inside your wallet or desk.
• Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
• A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, ‘If I died, would you get another dog?’
• If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
• If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
• Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
• Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

• If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff

Friends and Neighbours

Emma and Bryan were staying at ‘The Red Lion’ pub near Castleton in the Derbyshire Peak District for a few nights. In the bar, during the evening, they became friendly with the hotel’s odd-job man, Ian, and told him how much they had grown to love the area.

After several pints of beer and a couple of games of darts, Ian turned to the couple and said, ‘My neighbor has a nice little cottage for sale, on the edge of the village, in case you’re interested.’

Emma and Bryan were excited and visited the cottage the next day and despite its run-down appearance, they were smitten with the place and bought it straight away, “as seen.”

Two weeks later they moved in and naturally Ian came to see how they were settling in.

‘You got a good buy,’ Ian told them, ‘but the cottage needs some work though. Roof leaks, plumbing’s shot, and the whole place needs rewiring.’

Rather taken aback, Bryan scowled angrily and asked, ‘Why didn’t you tell us that before we bought the flippin’ place?’

‘We weren’t neighbors then,’ Ian smartly retorted.

Marriage and Children: A Funny Story

Lorna Irwin was striding down O’Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O’Mara.

‘Hello,’ uttered the Father, ‘and how is Mrs Irwin this fine day? Didn’t I marry you two years ago?’ Lorna replied, ‘That you did Father.’

The priest inquired, ‘And are there any little ones yet?’ ‘No, not yet Father,’ murmured Lorna Irwin.

‘Well, now, I’m going to Rome next week, and I’ll light a candle for you.’

‘Thank you, Father.’

A few years later they met again. ‘Well, now, Mrs Irwin,” said Father O’Mara, ‘and how are you?’ ‘Oh, very well,’ responded Lorna.

‘And tell me,’ said the Reverend Father, ‘have you any little ones yet?’ ‘Oh yes, Father O’Mara,’ answered Lorna Irwin, ‘I’ve had three sets of twins, and four singles: ten in all.’

‘Now isn’t that wonderful,’ rejoined Father O’Mara, ‘And how is your lovely husband?’ ‘Oh, Basil,’ she replied, ‘now he’s gone to Rome. To blow out the damn candle!’

A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores. Terry Pratchett

Funny Wedding Jokes

Wedding Jokes – Tasters

• With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
• Ronnie Corbett: Do think marriage is a lottery? Ronnie Barker: No. With a lottery, you do have a slight chance.
• Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
• Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Clean Short Stories suitable for a wedding day speech

Those wanting to be married

Father Henry was planning a wedding at the close of the morning service. After the benediction, Father Henry had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation. For the life of him, he couldn’t think of the names of those who were to be married.

‘Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?’ Father Henry requested.

Immediately; nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

Best Man

A groom chose his pet dog as the best man for his wedding reports the Metro.  Paul Nock told his new wife Kelly years ago that he wanted Scooby by his side on their big day. The health and safety training organizer, from Hull, said, ‘I was away working in Dubai when the wedding arrangements were made and didn’t think she would let it happen. But when we got into the register office I turned round and there he was walking up the aisle, with the rings tied around his neck.’ The 27-year-old bride added: ‘It was a wonderful surprise.’

6 Million Dollar Question

Married for many years, Paul had been ignored by his wife, Liz, for some days, so eventually he confronted her with what he perceived as the problem.

‘Come on Liz, admit it,’ he ranted, ‘You only married me because my granddad left me $6 million, didn’t you?’

‘You are silly, Paul,’ retorted Liz loudly, ‘I couldn’t care less who left it to you.’

How well do you know your partner asks Will and Guy.

Relationships can be very puzzling as we all know. Take celibacy, for example; this can be a choice or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

While attending a special Marriage Awareness Weekend in Doncaster, Yorkshire, England, Nicky and Victoria listened to the facilitator intones, ‘It is so very important that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.’

He turned to the men and asked, ‘Can you each name your wife’s favorite flower?’

Nicky leaned over, touched Victoria’s arm gently, and whispered, ‘Self-raising, isn’t it?’

Thus began Nicky’s life of celibacy.

Bad Hair Day

On the wedding day, everything went well. Nevertheless, Luke thought that everyone must have seen his toupee. The next day, his youngest daughter sees his worried look and says, ‘What’s the matter, Daddy? Why are you looking so down in the mouth?’

‘I’m not sad, darling,’ Luke replies, ‘it’s just that I’m sure everyone yesterday saw that I was wearing a wig.’

‘No they didn’t, Daddy,’ she answers, ‘No one I told knew.’

Wedding Anniversary Story

John wants to get his beautiful wife, Emma, something nice for their first wedding anniversary.  So he decides to buy her a mobile telephone. Emma is excited, she loves her phone.  John shows her and explains to her all the different and varied features of the phone.

On Monday Emma goes shopping in the local supermarket. Her phone rings and it’s her husband, ‘Hi ya, Emma, ‘he says, ‘how do you like your new phone?’ Emma replies, ‘I just love it, it’s so small and light and your voice is clear as a bell, but there’s one feature that I really don’t understand though.’

‘What’s that, Emma?’ asks the husband.

‘How did you know that I was at Wal-Mart?’

Another Joke you could NOT tell in a Wedding Speech

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he’s getting sentimental because they’re celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, ‘No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he’d have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn’t marry you. Tomorrow I would’ve been a free man!’

Funny Wedding Pictures

Will and Guy’s collection of amusing wedding pictures of the bride, the groom, and anything to do with the nuptials.

Modern Marriage Vows for the
2010s

 Old-fashioned Marriage Advice

• A woman worries about her future until she finds a husband, but a man never worries about the future until he takes a wife.
• Don’t marry for money, you can borrow it cheaper.

Funny Bride Pictures

Wedding Dress for All Occasions

Picture Captures Nuptials

The Long Goodbye to Spinsterhood

An amusing bride picture from Guangzhou, China.  Actually, this is the world’s longest bridal train at 219 yards.

Another Funny Wedding Picture

Weddings in Denmark

A Danish wedding meal usually has three courses. Guests find their places at the table and remain standing until the bride and groom have taken their seats. At intervals before the meal starts, and in between courses, guests are invited to make speeches, toast, and even sing songs (with handouts for the guests so that they can join in) making the wedding meal last for several hours!

Many Danish wedding reception traditions are associated with kissing! If at some point during the reception, the groom leaves the room, male guests take this as a cue to rush to kiss the new bride. Similarly, if at some point the bride leaves the room, all of the ladies will rush to kiss the groom.

If all of the guests tap their knives or forks on their plates, the bride and groom must kiss.  When all of the guests stamp their feet on the floor, the bride and groom must dive under the table for a kiss. Whereas, if all of the guests tap their knives on their glasses, the bride and groom must balance on their chairs and kiss!

During the wedding meal, and up until the wedding waltz, the bride should only walk around backwards to signify that the world of the single woman is now behind her as she embarks on her new life.

The ‘Brudevals’, or bridal waltz, is a couple’s first dance and should be danced before midnight on the wedding day. The guests stand in a circle and clap as the couple dance and, as the music continues, guests move in closer and closer until the bride and groom are surrounded by their family and friends.

Following the bridal waltz is a special tradition, just for the groom. Male guests lift him in the air and cut off the toes of his socks. The origins of this tradition are not clear but one theory is that this is so that the bride’s first chore as a married woman, is to demonstrate her sewing ability by darning her husband’s socks!

Funny Wedding Speech Jokes

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. – Milton Berle.

Ten Clean, Funny Jokes For The MC To Tell At A Wedding

Follow the Priest

After the blessing, the priest said to the newly married couple, ‘Follow me up to the altar’.  When the priest reached the inner sanctum he turned around and was amazed to see the bride and groom crawling to the altar on their knees.

Clean Jokes to Work into Your Wedding Speech

There are stories on this page for everyone.  Whatever the bride and groom’s circumstances an MC (master of ceremonies) is sure to find a funny wedding speech joke here.

Inside Marriage

Rupert and Elaine, a young couple, got married and went happily on their honeymoon. When they got back, Elaine immediately ‘phoned her mother and her mother asked, ‘How was the honeymoon, dearest?’

‘Oh, Ma,’ she replied, ‘the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic…’

Then Elaine burst out crying. ‘But, Ma, as soon as we returned home Rupert started using the most ghastly language… saying things I’ve never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home…. Please Ma.’

‘Calm down, Elaine!,’ said her mother, ‘Tell me, what could be so awful?  What 4-letter words?’ Still sobbing, Elaine whispered, ‘Oh, Ma…words like dust, wash, cook, and iron.’

How To Make A Marriage Successful

‘The thrill, the excitement is gone from my marriage,’ George complains to his mate, Tony.

‘Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?’ suggests Tony naughtily.

‘But what if my wife finds out?’ frowns George.

‘Lummee, George,’ explains Tony, ‘this is the 21st century we live in, mate. Go ahead and tell her about it.’

So George returns home and says, ‘Poppet, I think an affair will bring us closer together.’

‘Forget it,’ replies his wife. ‘I’ve tried that – it didn’t work.’

Bigamist? Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two Mothers-in-laws

Will and Guy’s Five Favourite Wedding Day Shorts

1. My wife really worships me, she puts burnt offerings in front of me every day.
2. Each year on his wedding anniversary Patrick goes down to City Hall in the hope that his marriage license has expired.
3. John: Have you ever seen one of those machines that can tell when someone is telling a lie?Dave: Seen one? I married one.
4. Husband: Let’s go out on the town tonight and have some fun.Wife: Yeah, but if you get home before me remember to leave the front door open.
5. An insurance salesman was trying to persuade Sonia to buy a life insurance policy.’Just imagine if your husband was to die tomorrow, Sonia’ he said. ‘What would you get?’ Oh, a Labrador dog, I think,’ replied Sonia. ‘They’re so well-behaved.’

Good Wife’s Guide

Here are a few choice excerpts taken from Housekeeping Monthly – May 1955

Here are a few choice excerpts taken from Housekeeping Monthly – May 1955

• Never complain if he comes in late.
• Don’t ask him questions about his actions.
• His boring day may need a lift, it’s your duty to provide it.
• A good wife knows her place.
• Prepare the children.

Enjoy the Full Article!

Rules Issued to Female Teachers by the Los Angeles District in 1915

1. You will not marry during the term of your contract.
2. You are not to keep company with men.
3. You must be home between the hours of 8 p.m. and 6 a.m. unless attending a school function.
4. You may not loiter downtown in ice cream stores.
5. You may not travel beyond the city limits unless you have the permission of the chairman of the board.
6. You may not ride in a carriage or automobile with any man unless he is your father or brother.
7. You may not smoke cigarettes.
8. You may not dress in bright colors.
9. You may under no circumstances dye your hair.
10. You must wear at least two petticoats.
11. Your dresses must not be any shorter than two inches above the ankle.
12. To keep the schoolroom neat and clean, you must: sweep the floor at least once daily; scrub the floor at least once a week with hot, soapy water; clean the blackboards at least once a day; and start the fire at 7 a.m. so the room will be warm by 8 a.m.

The Good Wife’s Guidance After Marriage

Daniel and Jessica, a young couple, got married and went happily on their honeymoon. When they got back, Jessica immediately ‘phoned her mother and her mother obviously asked, ‘How was the honeymoon, dearest?’

‘Oh, Ma,’ she replied, ‘the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic…’

Then Jessica burst out crying. ‘But, Ma, as soon as we returned home Daniel started using the most ghastly language… saying things I’ve never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home…. Please Ma.’

‘Calm down, Jessica!,’ said her mother, ‘Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?’

Still sobbing, Jessica whispered, ‘Oh, Ma…words like dust, wash, cook, and iron.’

Remarkable Good Wife Guide from the 1940s

Kellogg’s Pep was a whole-wheat breakfast cereal introduced in the 1920s. The addition of vitamins made it one of the first “fortified” cereals. Incidentally, it used the trick later copies by crisp companies, it sprayed on the vitamins

Later Pep used the age-old trick of giving away a trinket in each box. All-in-all Kellogg produced 5 series of comic characters with 18 different buttons in each set

Good Husband

The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. ‘You did a great job,’ he said and handed the man his money. ‘Also, in order to thank you, here’s an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie.’

Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the painter had forgotten something the man asked, ‘What’s the matter, did you forget something?’

‘Nope.’ replied the painter. ‘I’m just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked.’

Good Wife Guide – Updated

Came Back a Little Shrunk!

Greek Weddings Stories

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife you will become happy, and if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher. Socrates (BC 469-399) Greek philosopher.

Traditional Greek Wedding

The country Greece brings to mind two images, ancient civilization, and a European island holiday destination.  Whether ancient or modern, Greeks always do weddings in a special way.  Let us enjoy and appreciate their longstanding and fascinating marriage customs.

The Red Scarf

In other countries, brides are usually seen wearing a variation of the white veil, but in Greek Weddings they have the red scarf ritual.  This involves each close family member taking turns to wrap this red scarf around the bride three times.

If you were to visit Greek Cypriot bridegrooms just before the wedding you may well see the same red scarf ritual.  Another variation is to use the red scarf for relatives to throw money for the newlyweds.

The Bride’s Shoes

As a variation to throwing the bouquet, the Greek bride writes the names of her single friend’s names on the bottom of her shoe.  At the end of the wedding night when she finally removes her shoe, the name which still appears on the shoe is the girl who will be the next bride.

The Groom’s Shoes!

More Greek Wedding Customs

Sugar Almonds and Red Ribbon

A further tradition Will and Guy have been told is the sugar-coated almonds which are placed on the tray with the crowns and which will later be offered to the guests are also symbolic.

The white symbolizes purity, the egg shape represents fertility, and the new life begins with marriage.

The hardness of the almond represents the endurance of marriage and the sweetness of the sugar symbolises the sweetness of future life. The odd number of almonds is indivisible, just as a couple the bride and groom shall remain undivided.

After the ceremony, the almonds and ribbon are shared amongst the single women who apparently if the ribbon is placed under their pillow that night they will see in their dreams the man they will marry.

Shaving of the Groom

The groom is dressed in his koumbaro and witnessed by family and friends.

He is also shaved by the *koumbaro which is known as the “last shave”.

The koumbaro then proceeds to put the groom’s shirt, waistcoat, and cravat on, all done whilst the violin and singer play and sing music to praise the groom before his departure from his home.

* Koumbaros refers to the male sponsor (like the best man) and the Koumbara refers to the female sponsor (like the maid of honor).

The Newly-Wed Dance

This dance is performed halfway through the night by the newlyweds to honor their guests.  It is also a chance for their guests whilst the couple is dancing to pin money on them as a gift.

Throwing of the Bouquet and Garter

This tradition has been passed on from other cultures.

At the end of the evening, all single girls gather on the dance floor and the bride at a fair distance from them with her back turned to them throws her bouquet in the air at random. The girl who catches the bouquet is the next to be married.

Similarly, the groom detaches the garter from the bride’s leg with his teeth. Once he has successfully got it between his teeth all the single men gather at a distance from the groom and with his back turned to them he throws the garter at random. The man who catches it is the next one to be married. All good fun we think.

As with all cultures, the Greek groom arrives at the church first and waits for the bride who is customarily late.

A Greek Mother Knows

A young Greek man called Theo, announces to his mother that he’s fallen in love and that he is contemplating marriage.

He says, ‘Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over three young women and would like you to try and guess which one I’m going to marry.’

The mother agrees. The next day Theo invites three beautiful women to his mother’s house. They sit on the sofa and chat for a while with family.

Theo then says, ‘Okay, Ma, guess which one I would like to marry.’

She replies at once, ‘The one on the left.’

‘That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right, but how did you know?

The Greek mother answers back, ‘I don’t like her.’

Maid of Honor Speech – Wedding Jokes and Funny Stories

Soul-mates are people who bring out the best in you.  They are not perfect but are always perfect for you. – Anonymous

Marriage Psychology

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Thinking Man – A Little Reading Is Dangerous

The husband had just finished reading the book ‘Man of the House.’

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife, pointing a finger in her face, he said,

‘From now on I want you to know that I am the man of the house and my word is law. I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a scrumptious dessert. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?

His wife replies, ‘The funeral director would be my guess’

Maid-of-Honor Jokes for the Nuptials

You can write the speech yourself, alternatively, you can get a book of wedding speeches and then modify one.  If you are going to make a good maid-of-honor speech, then it must come from the heart.

Do practice your Maid-of-Honor speech until you can recite it naturally and without hesitation.  To gain extra confidence find out precisely at what point during the reception you should give the speech.  Usually, it’s after the best man’s speech.

A Clever, Funny, Shaggy Doggy Wedding Story

Once upon a time, Clara and Jenny were talking when Clara asked Jenny how many times she’s been married, and the reply was 4 ‘Four times!’ exclaims Clara, ‘why so many?’

So Jenny replies, ‘Well, I first got married when I was very young, and I married this wonderful man who was a banker.  However, one day just a few weeks after we were married, his bank was robbed and he was shot and killed.’

‘Oh my word, that’s terrible,’ Clara said.

‘Well, it wasn’t that tragic. Soon after that, I started seeing another man who performed in the circus.  He was really a great guy, but he lived pretty dangerously because he performed his high-wire act without a net. Well, a few weeks after we got married, he was performing a show and suddenly a gust of wind came by and knocked him off his wire and he was killed.’

‘Your second husband was killed too? That’s horrible.’

‘Yes, it was terrible, but at the funeral, I fell in love with the minister and we got married soon after that.  Unfortunately, one Sunday while he was walking to church, he was hit by a car and killed.’

‘Three? Three husbands of yours were killed?  How could you live through all that?’

‘It was pretty tough, but then I met my present husband. And he’s a wonderful man. I think we’ll live a long happy life together.’

‘And what does your present husband do for a living?’ Clara enquires.

‘He’s a mortician,’ responds Jenny.

‘A mortician? I don’t understand something here.  First, you marry a banker, then a circus performer, then a minister, and now a mortician? Can you explain such a diverse grouping of husbands?’

‘Well, if you think about it it’s not too hard to understand……….Well it’s

One for the money… Two for the show… Three to get ready… And four to go ……..

Mathematics of Marriage – Funny Wedding Jokes

A light-hearted look at marriage and romance. Suitable wedding jokes to incorporate into your speech.

The oldest recorded exchange of wedding rings can be traced to ancient Egypt, about 4,500 years ago.

Mathematics of Marriage

1. Smart man + smart woman = romance
2. Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
3. Dumb man + smart woman = affair
4. Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
5. Smart boss + smart employee = profit
6. Smart boss + dumb employee = production
7. Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
8. Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

More Mathematics of Marriage

Who Is There?

Three older ladies were discussing the problems of getting older. One said, ‘Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich’.

The second lady chimed in, ‘Yes, sometimes I find myself standing on the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.’

The third one responded, ‘Well, I am glad I don’t have that problem; knock on wood, ‘as she rapped her knuckles on the table.  She looked up and said, ‘That must be the door, I’ll get it!’

More Maths of Marriage

They say that marriage makes a man dizzy, and it’s true.

As soon as I got a wife, I lost my balance at the bank.

Question: Why do women live longer than men?

Answer: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!

Classic Wedding Jokes from Best Man Speeches

1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
2. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
3. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
4. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they go to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.

True Marriage Story

Man forced to marry four wives in six months 

A Saudi man is in hospital after his divorced parents forced him to marry four times within six months. The battle began when the father insisted the boy should marry a girl from his side of the family.  The mother retaliated by ordering him to wed a girl from her side, reports Arab News quoting Al-Watan daily. But the father wasn’t happy with the balance of power and insisted on a third wife from his side, to show who was boss.

The mother, not to be outdone, then demanded that her son include another wife from her side of the family.  The son has now been admitted to a hospital for psychological treatment.  He is refusing to see his parents or his wives.

Addendum Perhaps this is not a wedding joke to incorporate into your speech!

Does Your Husband Love You?

There was a group of women at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband. The women were asked, ‘How many of you love your husbands?’ All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, ‘When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?’  Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn’t remember.  The women were then told to take their cellphones and send the following text: I love you, sweetheart.

Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.

Here are ten of the replies:

1. Who is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
3. I love you too.
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don’t understand what you mean.
6. What did you do now? I won’t forgive you this time.
7. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need.
8. Am I dreaming?
9. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
10. I asked you not to drink anymore. I’ll leave if you are tired of me.

Advanced Marriage Maths

Facts about marriage proposals

When asked if there was anything they would have changed about one of the most romantic moments of their lives, several women said a ‘bigger diamond!’

• 54% of men still get down on one knee.
• 44% of men ask their partner’s father for permission to marry.
• 57% of men cry when she says yes.
• 65% of women say he could have put more effort and preparation into the proposal.
• 25% of couples wait longer than five years before taking their relationship that step further.
• 23% of women have been proposed to more than once.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye. – Miss Piggy

Mother Knows Best

The following article was written anonymously by a mother who lives in Austin, Texas, USA.  It is about things that she has learned from being the mother of small boys.

A Mother of a Small Boy Says

1. A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house, 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year-old boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound [3 stone] boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20×20-foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.  When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.  A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words ‘uh oh’, it’s already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke and lots of it.
9. A six-year-old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old Boy.
11. Playdough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject ‘PB & J’ sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens
20. The fire department in Austin, Texas has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
25. Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without permission.

Also Girls and Their Mothers

When a baby is born it affects a mother profoundly.  However, as you have baby 2 … then baby 3, the way in which you deal with the child also changes considerably.

Your Baby’s Clothing:

• 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your pregnancy is confirmed.
• 2nd baby: You wear your ordinary clothes for as long as you are able.
• 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your ordinary clothes.

Getting Ready for the Day of the Birth:

• 1st baby: You practice your breathing as often as possible
• 2nd baby: You don’t bother practicing your breathing because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t help at all.
• 3rd baby: You accept an epidural injection as soon as it is offered.

See more parenting advice…

Mother’s Good Advice

Over many centuries mothers have given their children plenty of good advice; here are some examples which Will and Guy find quite amusing.  It must be noted that their authenticity cannot be verified, nevertheless ‘Mother knows best’.

MONA LISA’S MOTHER: After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that’s the biggest smile you can give us?

HUMPTY DUMPTY’S MOTHER: Humpty, If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? No!

PAUL REVERE’S MOTHER: I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew.

COLUMBUS’S MOTHER: I don’t care what you’ve discovered, Christopher. You could have written.

BABE RUTH’S MOTHER: Babe, how many times have I told you: quit playing ball in the house! That’s the third broken window this week.

MICHELANGELO’S MOTHER: Mike, can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?

NAPOLEON’S MOTHER: All right, Napoleon. If you aren’t hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it.

CUSTER’S MOTHER: Now, George, remember what I told you: don’t go biting off more than you can chew.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S MOTHER: Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can’t you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?

MARY’S MOTHER: I’m not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you.

BATMAN’S MOTHER: It’s a nice car, Bruce, but do you realise how much the insurance is going to be?

GOLDILOCKS’S MOTHER: I’ve got a bill here for a broken chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?

LITTLE MISS MUFFET’S MOTHER: Well,
all I’ve got to say is if you don’t get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room there’ll be a lot more spiders around here.

ALBERT EINSTEIN’S MOTHER: But, Albert, it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something…?

GEORGE WASHINGTON’S MOTHER: The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!

JONAH’S MOTHER: That’s a nice story, but now tell me where you’ve really been for the last three days.

SUPERMAN’S MOTHER: Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we’ve decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?

THOMAS EDISON’S MOTHER: Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!

Here are 25 more examples of ‘Mother Knows Best’, kindly sent in by Ephraim Kahana

Subject: What My Mother Taught Me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. “You’d better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3. My mother taught me TIME TRAVEL. “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. ” Because I said so, that’s why.”
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the shops with me.”
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
7. My mother taught me IRONY. “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION. “Stop acting like your father!”
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. “Just wait until we get home.”
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. “You are going to get it when you get home!”
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
19. My mother taught me ESP. “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR. “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. “You’re just like your father.”
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE. “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you”.

The Secret of a Happy Marriage by R.Hynes of Mornington

Bad husbands are like bad coals – they smoke, they go out, and they don’t keep the pot boiling.

The Secret of a Happy Marriage
From R.Hynes of Mornington

My wife and I have the secret to making the marriage last…

Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, have some good food, a little wine and companionship. She goes Tuesday and I go Friday. We sleep in separate beds, hers in Sydney and mine in Melbourne.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked her where she wanted to go for our anniversary, ‘Somewhere I haven’t been for a long time’ she said. So suggested the kitchen.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, an electric toaster and an electric bread maker. When she said that she had too many gadgets but nowhere to sit down. I bought her an electric chair.

Remember that marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically 100% of all divorces started with marriage. I married Ms. Right, I just didn’t know that her first name was ALWAYS.

I haven’t spoken to her in 18 months now – I don’t like to interrupt her.  The last time we had a fight, it was my fault.  She asked, ‘What is on the TV?’  I said ‘It looks like Dust’.

In the beginning; God created the earth and rested. Then God, created the man and rested. Then God created woman. And since then neither God nor man has rested.

Original article – The Secret of a Happy Marriage by R.Hynes of Mornington.

Hilarious Advice On How To Look After Your Husband

This advice was allegedly in a Home Economics textbook.

Have his dinner ready. Plan the night before to have a delicious meal ready for him on time. This will let him know that you’ve been thinking of him and concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the thought of a good meal is part of the warm welcome he needs.

Make yourself look nice. Take a 15 minutes rest so that you will be refreshed when he arrives home. Touch up your make-up and put a pink ribbon in your hair. Don’t forget he has just been with a lot of work-weary people, so he will need you to look fresh. Be gay and interesting, as his boring day will need a lift.

Clear away the clutter around the house. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives home and gather up school books, toys, paper, etc. Run a duster over the tables. Then, when he arrives home, your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order. It will give you a lift too.

Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash their hands and faces, comb their hair and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

Minimise all noise. As soon as he arrives home, turn off the washer, dryer, dishwasher and vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and look glad to see him.

Don’t greet him with problems and don’t complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day. So make him comfortable. Have him lean back in his armchair or suggest that he li down in the bedroom. Have a cool drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low soft, soothing, and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind. Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other pleasant entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to unwind and relax. Your goal is to try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax in body and spirit.

How to Understand Women!

The Secret of Marriage – Understanding Men

• Because I’m a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling a garage is not an option. I will win.
• Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You’re a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
• Because I’m a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like “cumin” or “tofu.” For all I know, these are the same thing.
• Because I’m a man, when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, ‘I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.’ We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of Holy Communion.
• Because I’m a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will cost me twice as much once the repair person arrives and has to put it back together.
• Because I’m a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator
  instead (applies to engineers only).
• Because I’m a man, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t … and if you are feeling amorous afterward.. then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
• Because I’m a man, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine… It does not make your rear look too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and Margaritas that did that. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
• Because I’m a man, and this is, after all, the year 2011, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I’ll do the rest; like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.

This has been a tongue in cheek public service message from Will and Guy to help women to better understand men.

A Secret of a Happy Marriage

Marriage Makes You Fat – True

Couples who marry or live together are more than twice as likely to become obese than those who live apart, say scientists.

Will and Guy can inform you that a recent study, to be published in the journal “Obesity”, also showed that the risk of obesity rises the longer people live together.

Penny Gordon-Larsen, associate professor of nutrition at the University of North Carolina, USA, found some positive health benefits to marriage, including decreased cigarette smoking and lower mortality, but she added, ‘We also see greater weight gain than in others of the same age and greater risk of obesity. Maybe the cause of weight gain is not just age, but the pressure of shifting behaviors that result in weight gain.’

She went on to tell us that people living together tended to eat meals together, possibly cooking bigger meals or eating out more often than they did when they were single. They were more likely to watch television together instead of going to the gym or playing a sport.

So be warned.

Phyllis Diller Says:

• Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
• Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
• Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
• A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Ogden Nash’s Secret of Marriage

To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.

Ogden Nash [1902-1971]

Secret of Marriage – Comic Poem

As an example of how some people viewed marriage in the 1850s, here is a comic poem:
You know I’m very fond of the ladies,
I say bless those wives who fill our lives
With little bees and honey,
They ease life’s shocks, they mend our socks –
But can’t they spend the money?

Anon

More Secrets of a Happy Marriage: from the
Postbag:

Wife [whingeing]: You never speak to me anymore.

Husband: What? Only five minutes ago I told you to shut up.

Ten Rules for a Happy Marriage:

1. The woman always makes the rules
2. These rules are subject to change without notice
3. No man can possibly know all the rules
4. The woman is never wrong
5. If it appears the woman is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the man did or said
6. The man must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding
7. The woman can change her mind at any time
8. The man must never change his mind without the proper consent of the woman
9. The man must read the mind of the woman at all times
10. At all times, what is important is what the woman meant, not what she said.

The Secrets of a Long Marriage

A Hilarious Look at a Successful Italian Marriage

At St. Mark’s Catholic Church in Weymouth, Massachusetts, USA, they hold weekly husband’s marriage seminars. These are always well attended.

At the session last week, the priest asked Cristiano, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all those years.

Cristiano announced to the assembled husbands, ‘Wella, I’va tried to treata her nicea, spenda da money on her, bu besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary.’

The priest responded, ‘Cristiano, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here. Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?’

Cristiano proudly replied, ‘I’ma gonna go picka her up.’

As funny as that is, getting your wife great anniversary gifts can show her how special she is to you.

Will and Guy’s Marital Advice

The secret to a happy marriage for men is choosing a wife who is smarter and at least five years younger than you, UK experts have suggested to Will and Guy. These pairings are more likely to go the distance, particularly if neither has been divorced in the past, according to researchers at Bath University, England.

The work is published in the European Journal of Operational Research. The researchers studied interviews of more than 1,500 couples who were married or in a serious relationship.

Five years later, they followed up with 1,000 of the couples to see which had lasted.

They found that if the wife was five or more years older than her husband, they were more than three times as likely to divorce than if they were the same age. If the age gap is reversed, and the man is older than the woman, the odds of marital bliss are higher.

Is This The Secret To A Happy Marriage?

Two identical twin brothers have married two identical twin sisters in a joint wedding ceremony in China. The two couples, from Binhai Town, Jiansu, China, look so much alike that members of their own family struggle to tell them apart.

Warning, women’s body parts move

Open letter from Ms. Peggy Legg

This is an explanation to those friends and family who have experienced mysterious switches in their body parts.  This effect is especially noticeable in January.

You may have read of the scare story about the man whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban myth, my story is true – it occurs to me practically every day.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago.  It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else’s thighs.

The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next.

I know it was the same gang because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier.

Now, my rear end complimented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched.

One morning I was fixing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and from with the motion of the hairbrush.

This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish.

Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to reap, unnoticed, something like maturity.

No, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next? My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled.

That’s why I decided to tell my story. I can’t take on the medical profession by myself.

Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee. That really isn’t plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don’t you?

The next time you suspect someone has had a face ‘ lifted’, look again. Was it lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs…and I hope Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS women’s body parts move.

Yours alarmed

Peggy Legg

Ladies – Will and Guy Recommend That You Lock Your Doors

To find out why we issue this warning, read further:

• Do you know – this person has moved in without me knowing it and I believe she is here for life.
• Please be careful. This person has found her way into my house and could also go to yours.

A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea who she is, where she came from, or how she got in. I certainly did not invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn’t there, and the next day she was.

She is a clever old lady and manages to keep her out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And, whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there she is hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. This is very rude! I have tried screaming at her, but she just screams back.

The least she could do is offer to pay part of the rent, but no. Every once in a while, I find a £5 note stuck in a coat pocket or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but it is not nearly enough. I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money from me. I go to the ATM and withdraw £100, and a few days later, it’s all gone! I certainly don’t spend money that fast, so I can only conclude the old lady is pilfering from me. You’d think she would spend some of that money to buy wrinkle cream. And money isn’t the only thing I think she is stealing.

Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate-especially the good stuff like ice cream, biscuits, and sweets. She must have a real sweet tooth, but she’d better watch it because she is really packing on the pounds. I suspect she realizes this, and to make herself feel better, she is tampering with my scale to make me think I am putting on weight, too.

For an old lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games, like going into my
wardrobes when I’m not home and altering my clothes so they don’t fit. And she messes with my files and papers so I can’t find anything. This is particularly annoying since I am extremely neat and organized.

She has found other imaginative ways to annoy me. She gets into my mail, newspapers, and magazines before I do and blurs the print so I can’t read it. And she has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my TV, radio, and telephone. Now, all I hear are mumbles and whispers. She has done other things-like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum heavier, and all the knobs and taps harder to turn. She even made my bed higher so that getting into and out of it is a real challenge.

Lately, she has been fooling with my groceries before I put them away, applying glue to the lids, making it almost impossible for me to open the jars. She has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on, she stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it. She looks totally ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus, she keeps me from seeing how great they look on me.

Just when I thought she couldn’t get any meaner, she proved me wrong. She came along when I went to get my picture taken for my driver’s license, and just as the camera shutter clicked, she jumped in front of me!

I hope she never finds out where you live.

A Woman’s Poem

He didn’t like the casserole
And he didn’t like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn’t perk the coffee right
He didn’t like the stew,
I didn’t mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him one

Like his mother used to do.

Poem kindly sent in by Maggie Nutt

The ‘Middle Wife’ by an Anonymous 2nd Grade Teacher

I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, and stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it into school and talk about it, they’re welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. ‘This is Luke, my baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his birthday.’

‘First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom’s stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.’

She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I’m trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

‘Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, ‘Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!’ Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. ‘She walked around the house for, like an hour, ‘Oh, oh, oh!’ (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.) ‘My Dad called the middle wife.  She delivers babies, but she doesn’t have a sign on the car like the Domino’s man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.’ (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

‘And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!’ (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

‘Then the middle wife starts saying ‘push, push,’ and ‘breathe, breathe.  They started counting, but never even got past ten.  Then, all of a sudden out comes my brother.  He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said was from Mom’s play center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.’

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow, and returned to her seat.  I’m sure I applauded the loudest.  Ever since then, when it’s show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another ‘Middle Wife’ comes along.

My Body

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.  I’ve got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull.  But that’s not the worst of it.

• My headlights are out of focus, and it’s especially hard to see things up close.
• My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
• My white walls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
• But here’s the very worst of it: Almost every time I sneeze, cough, or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.

• ‘My Body’ was kindly sent in by Dave Foley