Lawyer Jokes

I have to say that these lawyer jokes are a little acerbic – but I like them!
Do have a read, I am sure that you will find plenty of one-liners that match your sense of humor.

Lawyer Jokes

lawyer cartoon
  • Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? From chasing parked ambulances.
  • What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50? Your honor.
  • What do you call a lawyer who’s gone bad? Senator.
  • What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
  • How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.
  • What’s the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawyer on the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog.
  • How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? Depends on how thin you slice them.
  • What do lawyers do when they die? Lie still.

More Funny Lawyers Jokes

I have heard rumors that some of these jokes were written by lawyers – for money naturally!

  • Why won’t sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.
  • What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand.
  • What is the definition of a shame (as in ‘that’s a shame’)? When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
  • What is the definition of a ‘crying shame’? There was an empty seat.
  • How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? Never enough.
  • Have you heard about the lawyer’s word processor? No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
  • What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School? A lobotomy.
  • What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges more.
  • What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night.
  • What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.
  • How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
  • Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps? Because people could not tell which side to spit on.
  • What do Lawyers do when they die? Lie still

It is strange the way ‘Funny Lawyer Jokes’ has a certain ‘ring’ to it; whereas funny attorney jokes or funny legal representative jokes don’t have the same ‘cachet’.

Funny Lawyer Quotes

  • ‘If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging.’ Joe Martin
  • A lawyer starts life giving $500 worth of law for $5 and ends giving $5 worth for $500.’ Benjamin H. Brewster
  • In my many years, I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress. John Adams
  • We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. Aesop
  • There are 350 varieties of sharks, not counting loan and pool. LM Boyd
  • Lawyers spend a great deal of their time shoveling smoke. Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
  • A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. HL Mencken

Another Batch of Funny Lawyer Jokes

How many lawyer jokes are there? ONLY 3. All the rest of them are TRUE STORIES.

Lawyer on Holiday

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.

The lawyer said, ‘I’m here because my house burned down, and all I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything and I’m using some of the insurance money for this trip.’

‘That’s quite a coincidence,’ said the engineer. ‘I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.’

The lawyer looked confused… ‘How do you start a flood?’

Lawyers Served in the Pub

A man walked into a bar with an alligator under his arm and asked the bartender, ‘Do you serve lawyers here’.

‘Yes’, said the bartender.

‘Good’, said the man, ‘In that case I’ll have a whisky and a lawyer for my alligator’.

The Jury:

In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty, here is a jury of which to be proud.

A defendant was on trial for murder.  There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.  In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

‘Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all, ‘the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.  ‘Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.  ‘He looked toward the courtroom door.  The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed.  Nothing happened.

Finally, the lawyer said, ‘Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.’

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate.  A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

‘But how?’ inquired the lawyer.  ‘You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.’ The jury foreman replied, ‘Yes, we did look, but your client didn’t look he just stared straight ahead.’

Addendum: This jury story has all the hallmarks of a lawyer joke that has a grain of truth, but that has been

Funny Lawyer / Witness Exchange

Lawyer: Could you see her from where you were positioned?
Witness: I could see her head.

Lawyer: And exactly where was her head?
Witness: Just above her shoulders.

” What’s the difference between a Lawyer and a Cat Fish? a… One is a scum-sucking bottom dweller and the other one is a Fish!

Why is a lawyer’s grave 12 feet deep instead of the usual 6? Because deep down, they’re really nice guys.

What do you get when you cross a libel lawyer with the demon from hell? Another libel lawyer.

Do Lawers Have Hearts?

Jo Andrews at the Red Cross realized that they had not ever received a donation from one of Philedelphia’s most successful lawyers.  So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his smart office suite.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, ‘Our research shows that even though your annual income is over 6 million dollars, you don’t give a cent to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community through the Red Cross?’

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, ‘First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?’

Embarrassed, the Red Cross rep mumbles, ‘Uh… no, I didn’t know that.’

‘Secondly,’ says the lawyer, ‘did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

The stricken Red Cross rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off again.

‘Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?’

The humiliated Red Cross rep, completely beaten, says, ‘I’m so sorry. I had no idea.’

And the lawyer says, ‘So if I didn’t give any money to them, what makes you think I’d give any to you?’

Lawyer Joke For Christmas

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer, and Santa Claus all got into the lift (elevator) at the Ritz Hotel in London. As the lift traveled from the 5th floor down to the ground level, one-by-one they noticed a £50 note lying on the lift’s floor.

Which one picked up the £50 note, and handed it in at reception?

Santa of course, the other two don’t actually exist!

Finding a Priest Or a Lawyer

Betty and Martin were about to get married.  Just before the wedding, they were tragically killed in a car crash.  When they arrived at the gates of heaven they explained to St. Peter that they were about to be married on earth and that now they would very much like to be married in heaven.

St. Peter said, ‘Betty and Martin you are a deserving couple, wait here in the reception room.  He was gone for several months then, at last, St Peter returned.

Martin said, ‘We’ve been thinking as we were waiting here, eternity is a long time to be married’.  Betty chipped in, ‘We were wondering if the marriage did not work you arrange for a divorce?’

St. Peter was exasperated, and then said ‘Look! It took me 6 days to find a priest up here in heaven.  How long do you think it would take me to find a lawyer up here?’

  • Comedian: do you know how to stop a busload of lawyers from going off a cliff?
  • Audience: no!
  • Comedian: good!

Funny, yet stupid lawyers jokes

Lawyers are often the butt of jokes throughout the world. Here are some splendid examples, taken from stenographer’s transcripts of real court cases.  Will and Guy are not sure whether the emphasis should be stupid lawyer, jokes or Stupid, lawyer jokes.

Lawyer’s question: Have you lived in this town all your life?
Witness’s answer: Not yet.

Lawyer’s Question: … any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
Defendant: The victim lived.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q: What is your brother-in-law’s name?
A: Fowler
Q: What’s his first name?
A: I can’t remember.
Q: He’s been your brother-in-law for years, and you can’t remember his first name?
A: No. I tell you I’m too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Fowler). Derek, for goodness sake, tell
them your first name.

Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn’t offer me anything; he just said I could have the furniture.

Q: What is your name?

A: Geraldine McNally
Q: And what is your marital status?
A: Fair

Q: Are you married?
A: No, I’m divorced.
Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things I didn’t know about.

Another batch of ‘Stupid Lawyer’ jokes taken from court transcripts

Lawyer’s question: Mrs. Warren, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your solicitor?
Witness’s answer: No. This is how I always dress when I go to work.

Lawyer’s Question: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
Defendant: No.
Q: What was he doing with the dog’s ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at this time?
A: Attached to the ears.

Q: …and what did he do then?
A: He came home and the next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.

Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, wasn’t it? You, too, were shot in the fracas?

A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

Q: Now, Mrs Brown, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And, by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A: I will be three months November 8th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been on dead people.

Q: Did the lady standing in the driveway subsequently identify herself to you?
A: Yes, she did.
Q: Who did she say she was?
A: She said she was the owner of the dog’s wife.

Q: I understand you’re Donald Rowbotham’s mother.
A: Yes.
Q: How long have you known him?

Q: Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to impact.

A: Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the immediate end of my right leg.

Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.’
Q: Did he kill you?

Stupid Lawyer Questions

  • Lawyer’s Question: Was it you or your brother who was killed in the war?
  • Q: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
  • Q: Were you alone or by yourself?
  • Q: How long have you been a French Canadian?
  • Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
  • Q: So you were gone until you returned?

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