Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture: Winston Churchill
It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course: Babe Ruth
Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course: Lee Trevino
These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow: Sam Snead
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball: Jack Lemmon
If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron: Lee Trevino
The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music: Anon
I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose: Gerald Ford
After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye: Chi Chi Rodriguez
Three Cheating Golfer Jokes
Golf Swindler: (Guy's Favourite Clean Golf Joke)
While sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Padraig remarked to a fellow club member', I'm not going to play golf with Jim Lawler anymore. He cheats.' 'Why do you say that?' asked his friend. 'Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green', replied Padraig indignantly. 'That's entirely possible', commented his friend. 'Not when I had his golf ball in my pocket', retorted Padraig with finality.
Alex comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife, Amanda asks why he doesn't include John Gumby in the games anymore. Alex asks, 'Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears outrageously over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?' 'Of course I wouldn't,' states Amanda. 'Well,' mutters Alex, 'neither does John Gumby.'
More Clean Golf Jokes
Mr Angry - Golfing
A very angry golfer was on his way to carding a round of 150. He turned to his caddy and said', You must be the worst caddy in the world.'
'That would be too much of a coincidence, sir', answered the caddy in a quiet voice.
More Golf One-liners
The only thing a golfer needs is more daylight. - Ben Hogan
The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. - George Deukmejian
Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. - William Wordsworth
You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex -wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands
works. - Lee Trevino
Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. - Jim Bishop
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. - Billy Graham
A young man and a priest are playing golf together. At a short par 3 the priest asks, 'What are you going to use on this hole, my son?' The young man says, 'An iron, father. How about you?' The priest says, 'I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray.' The young man hits his iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says, 'I don't know about you, father, but in my church when we pray we keep our heads down.'
Golf - Below Par?
After a particularly bad round of golf, Robert decided not to go to the nineteenth hole [the clubhouse bar] and started to go straight home. As he was walking to the golf car park to get his Range Rover, a policeman stopped him and asked', Did you tee off on the seventeenth hole about twenty minutes ago?' 'Yes', Robert answered 'Did you happen to slice your ball so that it went over the trees and out of
bounds and completely off the golf course?' 'Yes, I did. How did you know?' Robert questioned. 'Well', said the
policeman gravely', Your golf ball flew out onto the main road and crashed
through the windscreen of a BMW. The car driver lost control and crashed
into six other cars and a fire engine. The fire engine was unable to reach
the fire in time and the building burned down. Now, what do you intend to do
about it?' Robert thought it over very carefully and responded', I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.'
Classic Golf Joke
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 'How was he killed?' asked one detective. 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun? What's a golf gun?' 'I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan.' See more clean Golf Jokes
Funny Golf Phone Calls
Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o'clock? Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15. Caller: What's the next time after that? Staff: We have one at 10:22. Caller: We'll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.
New Golf Rules
The Veterans Golf Association has negotiated with The Royal and Ancient Golf Club, based in St Andrews, Scotland to modify the Rules of Golf for Seniors Rule 1.a.5 A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance
it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. The senior should not be penalized for tall grass which groundskeepers failed to mow. Rule 2.d.6 (b) A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have travelled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there. Rule 3.b.3(g) There shall be no such thing as a lost ball The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging himself or herself with a penalty. Rule 4.c.7(h) If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf. Rule 5. Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game. Rule 6.a.9(k) There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds." If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty. Rule 7.g.15(z) There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Senior golfers should not be
penalized for manufacturers' shortcomings. Rule 8.k.9(s) Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially impracticable for many senior golfers, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment. Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes.
Ten Marvellously True But Very Funny Sayings about Golf
I'll always remember the day I broke ninety. I had a few beers in the clubhouse and was so excited I forgot to play the back nine - Bruce Lansky
They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. It's more complicated than that - Gardner Dickinson
I'm hitting the woods just great, but I'm having a terrible time getting out of them - Harry Tofcano
Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks - Anon
I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play - Anon
Putts get real difficult the day they hand out the money - Lee Trevino
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil - Unknown
I'd like to see the fairways more narrow. Then everybody would have to play from the rough, not just me - Seve Ballesteros
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball - Jack Lemmon
Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into a even smaller hole, with weapons
singularly ill-designed for the purpose - Winston Churchill
Every time, Peter, the man next door headed toward Paul's house, Paul knew he was coming to borrow
something, he was always doing so and it was driving him mad. 'Peter won't get away with it this time, 'muttered Paul to Liz, his wife, 'Watch this.' 'Er, I wonder if you'd be using your hedge trimmer this
morning?' asked Paul the neighbour. 'Crikey, I'm terribly sorry, 'said Paul with a smug look, 'but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day.' 'In that case, 'smiled Peter, 'you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?'
The Language of Golf
Phil Beale, a member at Gudge Heath Golf Club, has a 60 foot breaking putt and makes a bet stating that he has a dollar that says, 'I can make this putt.' Everyone takes him up on the bet. Phil duly misses the putt by 5 feet and says, 'You all owe me a dollar.' Of course, his golf mates all think he is crazy until Phil produces a dollar upon which he wrote, 'I can make this putt.'
Will and Guy's Top 10 Golf Caddy Comments
Golfer: Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake.
Caddy: Think you can keep your head down that long?
Golfer: I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddy: Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth.
Golfer: Do you think my game is improving?
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.
Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?
Golfer: You've got to be the worst caddy in the world.
Caddy: I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.
Golfer: Please stop checking your watch all the time.
It's too much of a distraction.
Caddy: It's not a watch - it's a compass.
Golfer: How do you like my game?
Caddy: Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.
Golfer: Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day.
Golfer: This is the worst course I've ever played on.
Caddy: This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago.
Golfer: That can't be my ball, it's too old.
Caddy: It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.
Ode to Golf
In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, And Rather Small.
Oh How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
By Its Size I Could Not Guess,
Or The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.
My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.
It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry,
And Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises Me A Thing Called Par,
If I Hit It Straight And Far.
To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.
It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Disappears Before My Eyes. Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.
With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.
It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back
Please send Will and Guy your favourite clean golf joke.