- Golf Swindler
- Mr Angry - Golfing
- Golfing Priest
- Golf - Below Par?
- Great Golf One-liners
- Classic Golf Joke
- Funny Golf Stories
- Golfing Quotes
- Top 10 Golf Caddy Comments
Great Golf One-liners:
- Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture: Winston Churchill
- It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course: Babe Ruth
- Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course: Lee Trevino
- These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow: Sam Snead
- If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball: Jack Lemmon
- If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron: Lee Trevino
- The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music: Anon
- I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose: Gerald Ford
- After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye: Chi Chi Rodriguez
More Clean Golf Jokes
A very angry golfer was on his way to carding a round of 150. He turned to his caddy and said', You must be the worst caddy in the world.''That would be too much of a coincidence, sir', answered the caddy in a quiet voice.
More Golf One-liners
- The only thing a golfer needs is more daylight. - Ben Hogan
- The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. - George Deukmejian
- Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. - William Wordsworth
- You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex -wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands works. - Lee Trevino
- Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. - Jim Bishop
- The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. - Billy Graham
Funny Golf Phone CallsStaff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o'clock? Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15. Caller: What's the next time after that? Staff: We have one at 10:22. Caller: We'll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.
- I'll always remember the day I broke ninety. I had a few beers in the clubhouse and was so excited I forgot to play the back nine - Bruce Lansky
- They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. It's more complicated than that - Gardner Dickinson
- I'm hitting the woods just great, but I'm having a terrible time getting out of them - Harry Tofcano
- Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks - Anon
- I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play - Anon
- Putts get real difficult the day they hand out the money - Lee Trevino
- The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil - Unknown
- I'd like to see the fairways more narrow. Then everybody would have to play from the rough, not just me - Seve Ballesteros
- If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball - Jack Lemmon
- Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into a even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose - Winston Churchill
The Language of GolfPhil Beale, a member at Gudge Heath Golf Club, has a 60 foot breaking putt and makes a bet stating that he has a dollar that says, 'I can make this putt.' Everyone takes him up on the bet. Phil duly misses the putt by 5 feet and says, 'You all owe me a dollar.' Of course, his golf mates all think he is crazy until Phil produces a dollar upon which he wrote, 'I can make this putt.'
- Golfer: Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake. Caddy: Think you can keep your head down that long?
- Golfer: I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course. Caddy: Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth.
- Golfer: Do you think my game is improving? Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.
- Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron? Caddy: Eventually.
- Golfer: You've got to be the worst caddy in the world. Caddy: I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.
- Golfer: Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction. Caddy: It's not a watch - it's a compass.
- Golfer: How do you like my game? Caddy: Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.
- Golfer: Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday? Caddy: The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day.
- Golfer: This is the worst course I've ever played on. Caddy: This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago.
- Golfer: That can't be my ball, it's too old. Caddy: It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.
Ode to Golf
In My Hand I Hold A Ball, White And Dimpled, And Rather Small. Oh How Bland It Does Appear, This Harmless Looking Little Sphere. By Its Size I Could Not Guess, Or The Awesome Strength It Does Possess. But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell, I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell. My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same, Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game. It Rules My Mind For Hours On End, A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend. It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry, And Hate Myself And Want To Die. It Promises Me A Thing Called Par, If I Hit It Straight And Far. To Master Such A Tiny Ball, Should Not Be Very Hard At All.But My Desires The Ball Refuses, And Does Exactly As It Chooses. It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies, And Disappears Before My Eyes. Often It Will Have A Whim, To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim. With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land, It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand. Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul, If Only It Would Find The Hole. It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup, And Swear That I Will Give It Up. And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow, But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.