Library Jokes

Funny Library Story – Record Fine

Librarian gif

Reported in The Guardian on Thursday 9 February, 2006:

A public library book issued in 1945 has amassed an overdue fine of NZ $9,000 ie [GBP 3,500; $ 6,101USD]

‘The Punch Library of Humour’ book was borrowed from the library in Rotorua, 288 miles north of the capital, Wellington, 61 years ago, but was recently found among family belongings in Marie Sushames’s attic. Ms Sushames was presented with the fine on her 85th birthday, Rotorua’s Daily Post newspaper reported yesterday. The library’s manager, Jane Gilbert, said she would be delighted to waive the charges in return for the privilege of displaying a book that had been ‘out for 61 years’.

Actual Questions Asked of Librarians:

  • Do you have books here?
  • Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?
  • Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?
  • Where in the library can I find a power socket for my hairdryer?
  • Do you have that book by Rushdie, ‘Satanic Nurses’? [Actual title: ‘Satanic Verses’]
  • I am seeking a directory of laws that I can break so that I can be returned to jail for a couple of years.
  • Do you have a list of all the books I’ve ever read?

Library Jokes and One-liners

Never judge a book by its movie.  JW Eagan

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter.  Some day I intend reading it.  Groucho Marx

The first book of the Bible is Guinness.  In the book of Guinness, Adam and Eve were created from an apple.

Why didn’t the thief burgle the library? Because he was afraid the judge would give him a long sentence.

How come the librarian slipped and fell in the library? Because she strayed into the non-friction section

What did one book say to the other one? I just wanted to see if we are on the same page

What do you do if your pet starts eating your library book? Take the words right out of their mouth.

I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. Fred Allen

The 10 Shortest Books Ever Written

  1. Gun Control for The New Millennium: NRA Handbook
  2. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
  3. Royal Family’s Guide to Good Marriages
  4. Everything Men Know About Women
  5. Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
  6. A Plan For Prohibition In Australia
  7. Safe Places to Travel in the USA
  8. The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
  9. 1000 Years of German Humour
  10. The Fat, Lard, and Cream Diet

If you have a variation of this Shortest Book Joke, then please let us know.

Top 10 FORBIDDEN Library Titles For Children

  1. Gerbil merry-go-round, and other great microwave games.
  2. Fifty new places to poke a pencil.
  3. The little girl who died from eating all her vegetables
  4. Why washing clothes causes childhood allergies.
  5. Children’s guide to hitch-hiking.
  6. Flying lessons for kittens.
  7. Toys that your neighbors are getting.
  8. Where mothers hide treats.
  9. Advanced screaming, crying, and whinging.
  10. How to avoid washing daddy’s car.

More Library Jokes and Funny Quotes

Funny Library Rules

  • Whenever you are looking for an important book it’s always out of stock. However, if you are looking for an indispensable book, then it’s out of print.
  • The thinnest books have the longest catalog numbers.
  • In any library, there is only one person who knows where all the books are.  Find them before their boss fires them.
  • In any library, the helpfulness of any member of staff is inversely proportional to the number of pens in that person’s pocket.
  • The student with the most overdue books fails their course.  [One professor we know comes into the college library at the end of every academic year, and asks for the list of students with overdue books. We cannot help noticing that the list corresponds precisely to the end-of-term grades. The student with the most overdue books failed their course.]

Book and Library Quotes

  • A good book is the best of friends.  English Proverb
  • Choose an author as you would a friend.  Wentworth Dillon
  • Your library is your portrait.  Holbrook Jackson
  • No furniture so charming as books. Sydney Smith
  • Classic’: A book that people praise but don’t read.  Mark Twain
  • Books are lighthouses erected in the great sea of time.  Edwin P. Whipple
  • In reading, as in eating, an appetite is half the feast.  Anonymous

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