Teachers Jokes

We have jokes from both sides of the school desk. Jokes poking fun at teachers, and teacher jokes, where they have a laugh at the pupils.

Funny School Excuse Notes

Normally ‘Teachers jokes‘ mean fun at a teacher’s expense, whereas these excuse notes are the Teacher’s revenge, having a laugh at the Pupil’s excuses, some were even written by the children themselves.

These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling), collected by schools from all over the country.

  • My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
  • Please exkuce Pam for being absent from skool.  She was sick and I had her shot.
  • Dear School: Please exscuse Cecil being absent on June 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
  • Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
  • Please excuse Marvin from Physical Education lessons for a few days.  Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
  • John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
  • Ray was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
  • Bethan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
  • Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
  • Please excuse Ray from school. He has very loose vowels.
  • Please excuse Pedro for being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs.
  • Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
  • Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
  • Please excuse Eddie for being.  It was his father’s fault.
  • I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wears.
  • Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday.  We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it on Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
  • Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
  • My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
  • Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday.  He had a cold and could not breed well.
  • Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with Gramps.
  • Mary-Ann was absent from October 8-11, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
  • Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

Footnote 1: We have to assume that these school excuse notes were written by the parents.  Because when I was teaching, such notes would often be a giveaway that they had been written by the pupils.

More Funny Teachers Jokes

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. Mark Twain

You Have to Be a Schoolteacher If…

You have no time for a life from the end of August until mid-July.

You want to slap the next person who says, ‘Must be nice to work from 8.30 am to 3.15 pm and have your summers and weekends free.’

When you’re out in public you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behaviour.

You refer to adults as, ‘boys and girls.’

You encourage your spouse by telling them they are a ‘good helper.’

Meeting a child’s parents instantly answers the question, ‘Why is this child like he is?’

you believe ‘extremely annoying’ should have its own box on the report.

You know hundreds of ‘good’ reasons for being late.

You don’t want children of your own because there isn’t a name you can hear that wouldn’t raise your blood pressure. 

Fascinating Teacher Joke

The teacher asked her class of 8-year-olds to use a sentence containing the word fascinate

Molly put up her hand and said, ‘My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating.’ The teacher said, ‘That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’, not fascinating’.

Sally raised her hand. She said, ‘My family went to see Rock City and was fascinated.’

The teacher said, ‘Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.’

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ‘fascinate’, so she called on him.

Johnny said, ‘My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her bosoms are so big she can only fasten eight.’

Schoolboy Howler

The closest town to France is Dover, you can go by train or take a fairy.  (David aged 11)

Nursery School Teacher Joke

The teacher sat down and cried.

A nursery school teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing Christmas scenes. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.

As she got to little Sarah who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. Sarah replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’ The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like.’

Sarah replied, ‘They will in a minute’

More Humor from the Classroom

Humor is not always contrived. Will and Guy were teachers in their ‘previous lives’ and can vouch for the fact that children often create funny moments without meaning to cause laughter. Here are some examples which we have come across.

Moira was struggling to get the tomato ketchup out of the bottle. As she was trying the phone rang and her 4-year-old daughter, Louise, answered it saying, ‘Sorry, mummy can’t come to the phone at the moment because she’s hitting the bottle.’

Roger, the local police/school liaison officer was in Green Barn Primary School, Sherborne, Dorset, UK, on an official visit when Mary, age 6, approached him.

‘Are you a policeman?’ Mary asked.

‘Yes,’ answered Roger smiling.

‘My mum said if I was ever in trouble then I ought to ask a policeman for help. Is that true?’

‘Of course,’ uttered Roger.

‘Then will you please tie my shoelace?’ said Mary.

Jenny was watching her daddy getting dressed in his dinner jacket [tuxedo] before the party.

‘You shouldn’t wear that, Daddy,’ she murmured.

‘Why, darling?’ inquired her father of Jenny.

‘Well you know it always gives you a headache in the morning, said Jenny.’

Chris was driving his 4-year-old, Betsy, to the beach one summer when a woman in a cabriolet in front stood up and waved. She was absolutely naked and as Chris was recovering from the shock he heard Betsy shout,’ Look, Daddy, that woman isn’t wearing a seat belt.’

Maggie, [Will’s sister] was an infant school teacher, and on her first day with the reception class [1st graders] at Northern Primary, Portchester, a little girl gave her a note which said: ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of her parents.’

Steve, age 6 years, became lost in the sports complex known as HMS Temeraire, the Royal Navy Physical Training Centre in Portsmouth, UK. Seeing a ladies locker room [changing facility] in front of him he darted in to ask for help. When he was spotted the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. Steve watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’

Jack, the Westbourne village police officer, parked his van outside the police station in Havant and was about to collect his police dog, a German shepherd, from the back. The dog was barking rather loudly and a little boy who was watching enquired, ‘Is that a dog you’ve got there?’

‘Yes,’ smiled Jack.

The little boy looked extremely puzzled and eventually asked, ‘What did he do?’

Paul, while working for ‘meals-on-wheels’, an organization that delivers lunches to the elderly, Paul used to take his 4-year-old daughter, Lois, with him on his afternoon rounds. Lois was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the walking sticks, triangular walkers, and wheelchairs.  One day Paul found Lois staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As he prepared himself for the inevitable barrage of questions, Lois merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy is never going to believe this.’

Nathan, after his first day at school, returned home and told his mother, ‘I’m wasting my time at school. I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk.’

Father John, while walking along the pavement in front of his church, heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son, Rory, and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they secured a small box and some cotton wool, then dug a hole and made it ready for the disposal of the deceased. Rory, the minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said, ‘Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.’

Funny Teachers Jokes and One-liners

On a Music Teacher’s door in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada: Out Chopin, back in a min-u-et.

Experience is a hard teacher. She gives the test first and the lessons afterward.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

Problem Pupil? or Problem Teacher?

An educational psychologist is asked to see a pupil who draws all his pictures only with black and brown crayons. He talks to him. Nothing obvious. He gives him projective tests. Nothing shows up.

Finally, in desperation, he gives him some paper and a box of crayons.

‘Oh goody, ‘says the boy, ‘I got an old box of crayons in school and only the black and brown were left.’


It is often hard to determine the meaning of what a teacher says, so to help you along, here is a handy guide of:

 What a Teacher Says and What He Really Means for Year 10 Students:

  • “The answer to your question is beyond the scope of this class.” (I don’t know the answer.)
  • “If you follow these few simple rules, you’ll do fine on the course.” (If you don’t need any sleep, you’ll do fine in the course.)
  • “Various authorities agree that…” (My hunch is that…)
  • “You’ll have to see me during my office hours for a thorough answer to your question.” (I need more time to research the answer.)
  • “In answer to your question, you must recognize that there are several disparate points of view.” (I REALLY don’t know the answer.)
  • “We can continue this discussion outside of class.” (I want to quit because you’re winning the argument.)
  • “Today, we’ll let a member of the class lead the discussion. It will be a good educational experience.” (I stayed out too late last night and didn’t have time to prepare a lecture.)
  • “Any questions?” (I’m ready to let you go.)
  • “The test scores were generally good.” (Some of you managed a C+.)
  • “Before we begin the lesson for today, are there any questions about previous material?” (Has anyone opened the book yet?)

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