Maths Jokes

Will and Guy are both qualified schoolteachers – History and Science respectively – what we have found is there are three kinds of mathematicians; those who can count and those who can’t.

Five Fabulous Fun Math Quotes

  1. Trigonometry is a sine of the times.
  2. The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings.
  3. If there is a God, he’s a great mathematician.
  4. The man ignorant of mathematics will be increasingly limited in his grasp of the main forces of civilization.
  5. If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Rover only two of them.

Funny Maths Jokes

  1. A math student is pestered by a classmate who wants to copy his homework assignment. The student hesitates, not only because he thinks it’s wrong, but also because he doesn’t want to be sanctioned for aiding and abetting. His classmate calms him down: “Nobody will be able to trace my homework to you: I’ll be changing the names of all the constants and variables: a to b, x to y, and so on.” Not quite convinced, but eager to be left alone, the student hands his completed assignment to the classmate for copying. After the deadline, the student asks: “Did you change the names of all the variables?” “Sure!” the classmate replies. “When you called a function f, I called it g; when you called a variable x, I renamed it y; and when you were writing about the log of x+1, I called it the timber of x+1…”
  2. There are 10 kinds of mathematicians. Those who can think binarily and those who can’t… Mathematicians never die – they only lose some of their functions.
  3. ‘What is Pi?’ A mathematician, ‘Pi is the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter.’ A computer programmer, ‘Pi is 3.141592653589 in double precision.’ A physicist, ‘Pi is 3.14159 plus or minus 0.000005.’ An engineer, ‘Pi is about 22/7.’A nutritionist, ‘Pie is a healthy and delicious dessert!’
  4. The mother of already three is pregnant with her fourth child. One evening, the eldest daughter says to her dad, ‘Do you know, Daddy, what I’ve found out?’ ‘No.’ ‘The new baby will be Chinese!’ ‘What?’ ‘Yes. I’ve read in the paper that statistics show that every fourth child born nowadays is Chinese.’
  5. A mathematician, statistician, and accountant were finalists for a position as Vice President in a large corporation. The hiring committee asked them all the same last question: The mathematician was first. ‘How much is 500 plus 500?’, they asked, ‘1000.’ he replied without hesitation. ‘Thank you,’ they dismissed him. Next came the statistician. ‘How much is 500 plus 500?’ ‘On the average, 1000 with 95 % confidence,’ replied the statistician. ‘Thank you,’ they dismissed him. Third appeared the accountant. ‘How much is 500 plus 500?’ ‘What would you like it to be?’ responded the accountant. They hired an accountant.
  6. Two Physicists were riding in a hot air balloon and were blown off course sailing over a mountain trail, and were completely lost. They spotted a jogger running on the trail and they shouted, ‘Can you tell us where we are?’ After a few minutes, the jogger yelled back, ‘You’re up in a balloon.’ One physicist said to the other, ‘Just our luck to run into a mathematician’. ‘How do you know he was a mathematician?’ asked the other. ‘Well, in the first place he took a long time to answer; second, his answer was 100% correct, and third, it was useless.’
  7. A Mathematician, a Biologist, and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First, they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while, they notice three persons coming out of the house. The Physicist, ‘The measurement wasn’t accurate’. The Biologist’s conclusion is, ‘They have reproduced’. The Mathematician, ‘If now, exactly 1 person enters the house it will be empty again.’
  8. If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
  9. A new government 10-year survey cost $3,000,000,000 and revealed that 3/4 of the people in America make up 75% of the population.

What is Maths?

Mr Robbins, the math teacher asked his student, ‘What is the full form of Maths, Rebecca?’

Rebecca answered calmly, ‘Mentally Affected Teachers Harassing Students.’


Why do Americans call it Math? Yet the older generations of British refer to this subject as Maths? Could it be because, despite the ravages of age, we can still perform multiple maths calculations in our heads, because they were drummed
into us 50 years ago?

Five Fun Facts and Maths Trivia

  1. There are 2,598,960 five-card hands possible in a 52-card deck of cards.
  2. The largest prime number is 13,395 digits long; more than the number of atoms in the universe.
  3. A “jiffy” is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
  4. If you add up the numbers1-100 consecutively (1+2+3+4+5 and so on …) the total is 5050
  5. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 Decimals have a point.

Maths Class of 1958 v Class of 2014

Scenario: Robbie won’t sit still in his maths class, and disrupts other students.

1957 – Robbie was sent to the office and given 6 of the best with a cane by the Principal. He returns to class, sits still, and thinks twice about disrupting class again.

2014 – Robbie was given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD. Robbie’s parents get fortnightly disability payments and the School gets extra funding from the government because Robbie has a disability.

Mathematics of Marriage

  1. Smart man + smart woman = romance
  2. Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
  3. Dumb man + smart woman = affair
  4. Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
  5. Smart boss + smart employee = profit
  6. Smart boss + dumb employee = production
  7. Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
  8. Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

710 – New Female Math

Yesterday I was having some work done on my car at the Ford dealer.  While I was talking to Bert, the mechanic, a woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten…. We all looked at each other, and Bert asked, ‘What is a seven-hundred-ten?’

She replied, ‘You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there.’


Bert gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, ‘Is there a 710 on this car?’

She pointed and said, ‘Of course, it’s right there.’

Check the logic of this female math 710, answer ….

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