- A New Year Prayer for the Elderly
- New Year: Time to Diet
- New Year Parties
- Funny New Year Resolutions
- Auld Lang Syne
Sponsored Links
∇A New Year Prayer For the Elderly
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones that I do, And the eyesight to tell the difference.New Year: Time to Diet

Dieting - New Resolutions
2007: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds. 2008: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds. 2009: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight. 2010: I will work out 3 days a week. 2011: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.A New Year's Wish
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.Lecture Tour with A Difference
On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer. 'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger. 'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically. 'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.Politician in Action
A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky. 'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.' New Year's Eve Jokes - One Liners To kick start my New Year, I took an IQ test and the results were negative. The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your
glass. When I thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year. I gave up thinking. Definition of a hangover:
Wrath of Grapes.
Ten Indications of a New Year Hangover
- You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil's pets.
- Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "Stay still."
- Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as drinking a glass of fresh paint.
- The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
- You'd rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight.
- You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with your toilet.
- You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
- Your catch phrase is, "Never again."
- You could purchase a new fridge on the proceeds from recycling the bottles around your bed.
- Your new response to "Good morning," is "Be quiet!"
How to Quit Smoking
Peter, at a New Year's party, turns to his friend, Ken, and asks for a cigarette. 'I thought you made a New Year's resolution to quit smoking,' Ken responds. 'I'm in the process of quitting,' replies Peter with a grin. 'Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.' 'Phase one?' wonders Ken. 'Yeah,' laughs Peter, 'I've quit buying.'New Year's Day Quotes
- New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. Mark Twain
- One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this: To rise above the little things. John Burroughs
- Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account. Oscar Wilde