God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.
Year: Time to Diet
Well, well. It seems that your weight is perfect. It just happens that
you are eleven feet too short. See also Women's parts.
Dieting - New Resolutions
2007: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.
2008: I will
follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.
I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2010: I will
work out 3 days a week.
2011: I will try to drive past a gym at
least once a week.
A New Year's Wish
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it
was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband
to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the
bartender was almost crushed to death.
Lecture Tour with A Difference
On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left
his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along,
he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four
o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer. 'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger. 'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at
this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically. 'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.
Politician in Action
A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky. 'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm
against it. But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.'
New Year's Eve Jokes - One Liners To kick start my New Year, I took an IQ test and the results were negative. The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your
glass. When I thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year. I gave up thinking. Definition of a hangover:
Wrath of Grapes.
Indications of a New Year Hangover
You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil's
Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your
room to "Stay still."
Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as
drinking a glass of fresh paint.
The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, "Step right up and
give it whirl!"
You'd rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight.
You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with
You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more
feasible praying in a fetal position.
Your catch phrase is, "Never again."
You could purchase a new fridge on the proceeds from recycling the
bottles around your bed.
Your new response to "Good morning," is "Be quiet!"
How to Quit Smoking
Peter, at a New Year's party, turns to his friend, Ken, and asks for a cigarette. 'I thought you made a New Year's resolution to quit smoking,' Ken responds.
'I'm in the process of quitting,'
replies Peter with a grin. 'Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.' 'Phase one?' wonders Ken. 'Yeah,' laughs Peter, 'I've quit buying.'
New Year's Day Quotes
New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular
annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them
as usual. Mark Twain
One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this: To
rise above the little things. John Burroughs
Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where
they have no account. Oscar Wilde
Ring out the old, ring in the new Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the
true. Alfred, Lord Tennyson. (1849 --> 50)
Year's Eve Party - Phantom Guest?
Trevor's New Year's Eve party was an annual occurrence with numerous guests arriving. During the evening, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led
to where the drinks were, in the kitchen. He sat there happily, chatting away, for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face. 'You know,' he confided to Trevor, 'I wasn't even invited
to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my drive.' He continued, 'My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved, so that we can
New Year's Day Party - That Never Was?
As in many homes on New Year's Day, Janet and Nigel, a happily married couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important: the football match on television, or the lunch itself. Hoping to keep the peace Nigel ate lunch with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch chat before retiring to the lounge to turn on the television. Some minutes
later, Janet looked in to see how he was and graciously even bought a cold beer for
Nigel. She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was.
Nigel told her it was half time and that the
score was still 0-0. 'See?' Janet said happily, 'You didn't miss a thing.'
A Bad Dream?
Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's
present. What do you think it all means?' 'Aha, you'll know tonight,' answered Max smiling broadly. At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her
small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: 'The meaning of dreams'.
Auld Lang Syne
Auld Lang Syne was partially written by Robert Burns in the 1700's, it was first published in 1796 after Burns' death. Early variations of the song were sung prior to 1700 and inspired Burns to
produce the modern rendition. An old Scotch tune, 'Auld Lang Syne' literally means 'old long ago,' or simply, 'the good old days.' Here are the lyrics:
however, many people seem to remember only the first
verse. Auld Lang Syne Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we'll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne. Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
of auld lang syne?
And here's a hand, my trusty friend
And gie's a hand o' thine
We'll tak'A cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne. See more Scottish New Year
humourFootnote: Please write to Will and Guy if you have any
New Year Eve jokes.
See more New Year jokes and funny pictures:
• New Year
• New Year Jokes
• Funny New
• Key Questions • Chinese
New Year Jokes
New Year Stories •
New Year quotes
• Mari Lwyd • Happy New Year different languages
Chinese New Year Masks • World-wide New Year