New Year Jokes


New Year Jokes

An optimist stays up to see the New Year in.  A pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves.  Bill Vaughan


New Year Prayer For the Elderly

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

Year: Time to Diet

New Year Diet

Well, well.  It seems that your weight is perfect.  It just happens that
you are eleven feet too short.  See also Women's parts.New Year Resolves

Dieting - New Year Resolutions

2009: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.
2010: I will
follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.
I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2012: I will
work out 3 days a week.
2013: I will try to drive past a gym at
least once a week.

Year's Day Prayer for One and All

Dear Lord

So far this year I've done well.

I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that.  But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.


New Year Jokes

A New Year's Wish

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it
was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband
to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing.  As the clock struck - the
bartender was almost crushed to death.

That Was a Tough Year

It's been a tough year, but I've made it so far!

But not everyone is as lucky as I am......

Happy New Year

Lecture Tour with A Difference

On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left
his van in the car park and walked home.  As he was wobbling along,
he was stopped by a policeman.  'What are you doing out here at four
o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.

'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at
this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.

'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.
See more funny New Year

Politician in Action

A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.

'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm
against it.  But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it.  This is my position, and I will not compromise.'

New Year Jokes - One Liners

To kick start my New Year, I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your

When I thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year.

I gave up thinking.

Definition of a hangover:
Wrath of Grapes.

Indications of a New Year Hangover

  1. You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil's
  2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your
    room to "Stay still."
  3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as
    drinking a glass of fresh paint.
  4. The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, "Step right up and
    give it whirl!"
  5. You'd rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight.
  6. You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with
    your toilet.
  7. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more
    feasible praying in a fetal position.
  8. Your catch phrase is, "Never again."
  9. You could purchase a new fridge on the proceeds from recycling the
    bottles around your bed.
  10. Your new response to "Good morning," is "Be quiet!"Happy New Year

Happy New Year

Artist, Harwinder Singh Gill, displays a special new year message he
carved into the tips of coloured pencils in Amritsar, India.

How to Quit Smoking

Peter, at a New Year's party, turns to his friend, Ken, and asks for a cigarette.

'I thought you made a New Year's resolution to quit smoking,' Ken responds.
'I'm in the process of quitting,'
replies Peter with a grin. 'Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.'

'Phase one?' wonders Ken.

'Yeah,' laughs Peter, 'I've quit buying.'
See more on

New Year's Day QuotesNew Year Jokes

  • New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular
    annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them
    as usual.
    Mark Twain
  • One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this: To
    rise above the little things.
    John Burroughs
  • Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where
    they have no account.
    Oscar Wilde
  • See more New Year's Day Quotes

Classic New Year Poem

Ring out the old, ring in the new

Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the
Alfred, Lord Tennyson. (1849 --> 50)

More Funny New Year Jokes

New Year's Day Party - That Never Was?

As in many homes on New Year's Day, Janet and Nigel, a happily married couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important: the football match on television, or the lunch itself.

Hoping to keep the peace Nigel ate lunch with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch chat before retiring to the lounge to turn on the television.

Some minutes
later, Janet looked in to see how he was and graciously even bought a cold beer for
Nigel. She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was.
Nigel told her it was half time and that the
score was still 0-0.

'See?' Janet said happily, 'You didn't miss a thing.'

A Bad Dream?

Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's
present. What do you think it all means?'

'Aha, you'll know tonight,' answered Max smiling broadly.

At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her
small package.  Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: 'The meaning of dreams'.New Year Jokes For Dogs

New Year's Resolutions by Fido

  • I will not bark each time I see or hear a dog on TV.
  • I will not steal underwear belonging to my mistress and then dance
    all over the back yard with it.
  • I will not chew red crayons or pens, because my master will think
    that I am haemorrhaging.
  • I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
  • I must shake the rainwater out of my coat BEFORE I enter the
  • See more funny New
    Year's Resolutions.
  • Something different - Chinese
    New Year Jokes

Auld Lang Syne

Auld Lang Syne was partially written by Robert Burns in the 1700's, it was first published in 1796 after Burns' death. Early variations of the song were sung prior to 1700 and inspired Burns to
produce the modern rendition. An old Scotch tune, 'Auld Lang Syne' literally means 'old long ago,' or simply, 'the good old days.'

Here are the lyrics:
however, many people seem to remember only the first

Auld Lang Syne

Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we'll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days
of auld lang syne?
And here's a hand, my trusty friend
And gie's a hand o' thine
We'll tak'A cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne.

See more Scottish New Year

Please write to Will and Guy if you have any
New Year jokes.

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• New Year
• New Year Jokes
• Traditions
• Funny New
Year Resolutions
• Key Questions

• Chinese
New Year Jokes
• Chinese
New Year Stories    •
New Year quotes
• Mari Lwyd

• Happy New Year different languages

Chinese New Year Masks    • World-wide New Year