New Year Jokes

An optimist stays up to see the New Year in.  A pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves.  Bill Vaughan

• A New Year Prayer
  For the Elderly
• New Year: Time to Diet
• New Year Parties
• Funny New Year Resolutions
• Funny New Year Stories
• Auld Lang Syne

A
New Year Prayer For the Elderly

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

New
Year: Time to Diet

Well, well.  It seems that your weight is perfect.  It just happens that
you are eleven feet too short.  See also Women’s parts.

New
Year’s Day Prayer for One and All

Dear Lord

So far this year I’ve done well.

I haven’t gossiped, I haven’t lost my temper, I haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I’m very thankful for that.  But in a few minutes, Lord, I’m going to get out of bed, and from then on I’m probably going to need a lot more help.

Amen

A New Year’s Wish

On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it
was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband
to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing.  As the clock struck – the
bartender was almost crushed to death.

That Was a Tough Year

It’s been a tough year, but I’ve made it so far!

But not everyone is as lucky as I am……

Lecture Tour with A Difference

On New Year’s Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left
his van in the car park and walked home.  As he was wobbling along,
he was stopped by a policeman.  ‘What are you doing out here at four
o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer.

‘I’m on my way to a lecture,’ answered Roger.

‘And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at
this time on New Year’s Eve?’ enquired the constable sarcastically.

‘My wife,’ slurred Daniel grimly.
See more funny New Year
stories.

Politician in Action

A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.

‘If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I’m
against it.  But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I’m for it.  This is my position, and I will not compromise.’

Ten
Indications of a New Year Hangover

1. You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil’s
   pets.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your
   room to “Stay still.”
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as
   drinking a glass of fresh paint.
4. The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, “Step right up and
   give it whirl!”
5. You’d rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight.
6. You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with
   your toilet.
7. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more
   feasible praying in a fetal position.
8. Your catch phrase is, “Never again.”
9. You could purchase a new fridge on the proceeds from recycling the
   bottles around your bed.
10. Your new response to “Good morning,” is “Be quiet!”

Happy New Year

Artist, Harwinder Singh Gill, displays a special new year message he
carved into the tips of coloured pencils in Amritsar, India.

How to Quit Smoking

Peter, at a New Year’s party, turns to his friend, Ken, and asks for a cigarette.

‘I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,’ Ken responds.
‘I’m in the process of quitting,’
replies Peter with a grin. ‘Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.’

‘Phase one?’ wonders Ken.

‘Yeah,’ laughs Peter, ‘I’ve quit buying.’
See more on
anti-smoking

New Year’s Day Quotes

• New Year’s Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular
  annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them
  as usual.
  Mark Twain
• One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this: To
  rise above the little things.
  John Burroughs
• Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where
  they have no account.
  Oscar Wilde
• See more New Year’s Day Quotes

Classic New Year Poem

Ring out the old, ring in the new

Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the
snow:
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the
true.
Alfred, Lord Tennyson. (1849 –> 50)

More Funny New Year Jokes

New Year’s Day Party – That Never Was?

As in many homes on New Year’s Day, Janet and Nigel, a happily married couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important: the football match on television, or the lunch itself.

Hoping to keep the peace Nigel ate lunch with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch chat before retiring to the lounge to turn on the television.

Some minutes
later, Janet looked in to see how he was and graciously even bought a cold beer for
Nigel. She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was.
Nigel told her it was half time and that the
score was still 0-0.

‘See?’ Janet said happily, ‘You didn’t miss a thing.’

A Bad Dream?

Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year’s Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, ‘I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s
present. What do you think it all means?’

‘Aha, you’ll know tonight,’ answered Max smiling broadly.

At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her
small package.  Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: ‘The meaning of dreams’.

New Year’s Resolutions by Fido

• I will not bark each time I see or hear a dog on TV.
• I will not steal underwear belonging to my mistress and then dance
  all over the back yard with it.
• I will not chew red crayons or pens, because my master will think
  that I am haemorrhaging.
• I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
• I must shake the rainwater out of my coat BEFORE I enter the
  house.
• See more funny New
  Year’s Resolutions.
• Something different – Chinese
  New Year Jokes

Auld Lang Syne

Auld Lang Syne was partially written by Robert Burns in the 1700’s, it was first published in 1796 after Burns’ death. Early variations of the song were sung prior to 1700 and inspired Burns to
produce the modern rendition. An old Scotch tune, ‘Auld Lang Syne’ literally means ‘old long ago,’ or simply, ‘the good old days.’

Here are the lyrics:
however, many people seem to remember only the first
verse.

Auld Lang Syne

Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we’ll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days
of auld lang syne?
And here’s a hand, my trusty friend
And gie’s a hand o’ thine
We’ll tak’A cup o’ kindness yet
For auld lang syne.

See more Scottish New Year
humour

Footnote:
Please write to Will and Guy if you have any
New Year jokes.