Independence Day Jokes

How Many States Can You Name?

Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th-grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.  Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, ‘Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.

4th of July Jokes

The difference between a duck and George Washington is: One has a bill on his face; the other has his face on a bill!

What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for? Liberty!

What was the craziest battle of the Revolutionary War? The Battle of Bonkers Hill.

Why were the first Pennsylvania settlers like ants? Because they lived in colonies.

What’s red, white, blue, and almost as ugly as a dog? A revolutionary warthog!

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington? Because the horse was too heavy to carry!

Back to the Roots of Our Site – More Humor  (Humour!)

The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery school teacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. ‘We live in a great country,’ she announced. ‘One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free.’

Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, ‘I’m not free. I’m four.’

Readers’ Letters

Is it an urban legend that in George III’s diary on July 4, 1776, he said, “Nothing much happened today.”

In Arkansas Hill country, the Fourth of July is celebrated annually on the 2nd in deference to those who cannot count beyond two.

Kindly sent by Merv – ye olde hot-metal newspaper typesetter

Parable For The 4th of July

Once, in the 1820s, a little boy called Sam was playing in the yard behind his house.  During his pretend fighting game, he knocked over the outhouse.  Now Sam was upset and worried that he would get into trouble so he ran into the woods and didn’t come out until after got dark. When he arrived back home, his pappy was waiting for him.  He asked suspiciously, “Son, did you knock over the outhouse this afternoon?”

“No, pappy,” Sam lied.

“Well, let me tell you a story,” said the father. “Once, not that long ago, Mr Lincoln received a shiny new axe from his father.  Excited, he tried it out on a tree, swiftly cutting it down.  But as he looked at the tree, with dismay he realized it was his mother’s favorite cherry tree,” his pappy paused.” just like you, he ran into the woods. When he returned,
his pappy asked, ‘Abraham, did you cut down the cherry tree?’  Abraham answered with, ‘Father, I cannot tell a lie. I did indeed chop down the tree.’ Then his father said, ‘Well since you were honest with me, you are spared from punishment. I hope you have learned your lesson, though.’ So,” Sam’s father asked again,” did you knock down the outhouse?”

“Pappy, I cannot tell a lie anymore.” said the little boy. “I did indeed knock down the outhouse.”

Then his pappy father spanked Sam boy red, white, and blue. The boy whimpered, “Pappy, I told you the truth! Why did you spank me?”

Pappy answered, “That’s because Abraham Lincoln’s father wasn’t in the tree when he chopped it down!”

Ten Independence Day Items of Trivia About The Bald Eagle: Test Your Family

Bald Eagle
  1. Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, and Thomas Jefferson served on the committee that picked the eagle for the national seal [Franklin wanted the turkey].
  2. Bald eagles have few natural enemies and live only in North America.
  3. Bald eagles get their white head and tail feathers about 4/5 years of age.
  4. Bald eagles are not and never were bald. The term comes from when “bald” meant “white-headed”.
  5. Their maximum speed: is 40 mph or over 100 mph while in a dive.
  6. They can lift roughly half their body weight.
  7. The Bald Eagle is no longer considered endangered and is now only threatened.
  8. The only other kind of eagle in North America is the golden eagle.
  9. Bald eagles mate for life, but if one dies, the survivor will accept a new mate.
  10. It is a felony to shoot an eagle.

Rare Copy of the United States Declaration of Independence Found

Declaration of Independence

A rare copy of the United States Declaration of Independence was found in Kew Archives, Richmond, Surrey, England

The document, which is in perfect condition, is believed to be one of only 200 ever printed and was found among files at the National Archives in Kew in Richmond, Surrey. Will and Guy have learned that it was discovered by an American antiquarian bookseller carrying out research, the Dunlap print of the declaration was printed on July 4, 1776, and brings the total of known surviving copies worldwide to 26.

The last discovery of a Dunlap print was at a flea market in 1989, and it sold at auction in 2000 for 8.14 million US dollars. Dunlaps were the first official printings of the Declaration of Independence and were named after John Dunlap, the printer whose name is given at the bottom of each copy.

Edward Hampshire, the diplomatic and colonial specialist at the National Archives, said, ‘This is an incredibly exciting find. The Declaration of Independence is effectively America’s birth certificate, making it one of the seminal documents in world history. It is likely that only around 200 of these were ever printed, so uncovering a new one nearly 250 years later is extremely rare, especially one in such good condition.’

More 4th of July One-liners

What happened as a result of the Stamp Act? The Americans licked the British!

What did King George think of the American colonists? He thought they were revolting!

Historical Humour For 4th July

Benjamin Franklin

Some Amusing, Funny, and Thought-Provoking Quotations of Benjamin Franklin [1705-1790]

In the great tradition of American humor, the title of “First American Humorist” rightfully belongs to Benjamin Franklin. He was the beginning of a long line of writers who created a uniquely American form of humor filled with clever wit, folksy wisdom, and a generous portion of irreverence.

In his Poor Richard’s Almanac, Franklin wrote many clever sayings that are still part of our cultural heritage today. At 26, Franklin published the first edition of Poor Richard’s Almanac under the pseudonym Richard Saunders.

  • Remember that time is money.
  • A little neglect may breed mischief: for want of a nail, the shoe was lost; for want of a shoe the horse was lost; and for want of a horse, the rider was lost.
  • A penny saved is a penny earned.
  • Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain and most fools do.
  • Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
  • Fish and visitors smell in three days.
  • Genius without education is like silver in the mine.
  • God helps them that help themselves.
  • Haste makes waste.
  • Hide not your talents. They for use were made. What’s a sundial in the shade?
  • It is hard for an empty bag to stand upright.
  • Little strokes fell great oaks.
  • Never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today.
  • Three may keep a secret if two of them are dead.
  • Well done is better than well said.
  • In this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.
  • There never was a good war nor a bad peace.
  • Never contradict anybody.

Ben Franklin experts question whether, in fact, he wrote all his humorous lines. Some believe he researched them and revamped them into his own inimitable style. Whatever the truth Will and Guy are certain that they are witty.

Ben Franklin Tells Us How To Be Seen As A Person With A Brain And A Social Wit

Dr. Benjamin Franklin was not really a doctor; his title Doctor was one of those first honorariums given to a man of great achievement and reflects the impact he had on his age.

Here are seven ways Benjamin Franklin would suggest you consider to be seen as one with a brain and a social wit.

  1. Elevate, not desecrate. Never use cutting humor, dissect theirs.
  2. Keep your humor light, fun, and open to participation.
  3. Reflect on your humor to show you row your own boat.
  4. You row merrily, and you attract others to you.
  5. As you deflect bitterness, fear answers appear.
  6. Your summary encapsulates the situation and hints that the best way out may be to back up to where we went wrong, once we all clearly agree what that was.
  7. Elevate, even exaggerate, achievement. Mock an obvious folly but with a twist. If attacked, return their volley as a mirror.

Will and Guy’s Selection of Five of the Best Quotations

  1. Where there’s marriage without love, there will be love without marriage.
  2. Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both.
  3. They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
  4. Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none.
  5. Some are weather-wise, and some are otherwise.
100 Dollar bill

Benjamin Franklin is held in high esteem in the USA as is indicated by his appearance on the largest note: the $100 bill.

Did You Know?

Independence Day is marked by fireworks, barbecues, and parades.

Previously called “rockets,” the term “fireworks” was not established until 1777.

Later fireworks that made a noise were invented and called “firecrackers” and by 1880 sparklers had been created.

4th July Fireworks

The 4th July Picnic

God Bless America cartoon

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at Albuquerque’s annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends began their usual banter.

‘This baked ham is really delicious,’ the priest teased the rabbi. ‘You really ought to try it. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden. You don’t know what you’re missing. You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs Warren’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?’

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, ‘At your wedding.’

More 4th of July Humor

Nicholas took his four-year-old son, Bryan, to several baseball games where “The Star-Spangled Banner” was sung before the start of each game.

Later, Nicholas and Bryan attended St Bartholomew’s church on the Sunday before Independence Day.  The congregation sang The Star-Spangled Banner, and after everyone sat down, Bryan suddenly yelled out at the top of his
voice, ‘Play ball.’

Little Andy Was At His First Day of School

Mrs Whyte, his teacher advises the class that each school day starts with the “Pledge of Allegiance”*** and instructs them to put their right hand over their heart and repeat after her.

As Mrs Whyte starts the recitation she looks around the room, ‘I pledge allegiance to the flag……..’, when her eyes are drawn to Andy who has his hand over the right cheek of his bottom.

‘Andy, I cannot continue till you put your hand over your heart,’ she demands.

Andy looks up and replies, ‘It is over my heart.’

After several more attempts to get Andy to put his hand over his heart, Mrs Whyte enquires, ‘Why do you think that is your heart, Andy?’

‘Well Miss,’ answers Andy, ‘because every time my Grandma comes to visit she pats me there and says, “Bless your little heart,” and my Grandma never lies.’

*** On September 8, 1892 a Boston-based youth magazine – The Youth’s Companion published a 22-word recitation for school children to use during planned activities the following month to commemorate the 400th anniversary of Columbus’ discovery of America. Under the title “The Pledge to the Flag”, the composition was the earliest version of what we now know as the Pledge of Allegiance.

 4th of July on The Humour Scale

Judging by our reader’s letters, American Independence Day is just not as funny as Halloween, Valentine’s Day, or even Thanksgiving.

Penn cartoon
Independence wife cartoon

Similar Posts