Funny Names - Funny Jokes

Funny Children’s Names – Top 10 Funny Names

Ima Hogg. (Fact is always stranger than fiction, she was the daughter of Texas Governor James, Steven Hogg.)

Regrettable Names That Parents Gave Their Children

You may have to work on deciphering the problem with one or two of the names. For instance, Guy struggled with Dwayne Pipe until Will helped with the unusual ‘r’ stress on the ‘w’. I will say no more in case I deprive you of pleasure from working out the meanings of these unfortunate, stupid, and weird children’s names for yourself.

Girls Names

Robyn Banks
Emerald Stone
Teresa Green
Nora Bone
Dee Zaster
Rosie Peach
Ima Kettle
Rosemary Border
Hazel Nutt
Daisy Chain
Barbara Dwyer (Barb. D wyer)
Pearl E. Whites
Penny Wise
Annette Kirton
Shada Lear*
Pat May Weiner
Anne Ball (Shouted at football matches) The real name of Will’s first girlfriend (age 5)

Boys Names

Justin Case
Dan Druff
Seymour Legg
Sean Head
Tim Burr
Ash Hull
Phil Hole
Woody Bush
Owen Money (comedian)
Dwayne Pipe
Norman Knight
Doug Graves
Justin Tune
Lowden Clear
Maurice Minor (British car Morris Minor)
Bernd Onions
Artie Choke
Rick O’Shea
Ted E. Baer (Father of boxer Max)

Either Gender

Jay Bird
Sandy Shaw
Rusty Nails
Robin Plunder
Terri Bull
Shandy Lear
Chris Cross
Jo King
NoSmo King*
Lorry Truck or (Lori Truck)

* Nosmo King was the stage name of the 1920’s actor H Vernon Watson.

* Shanda Lear is the daughter of Bill Lear who invented the Lear Jet.

Top 10 Funny Names

Will and Guy’s Top Ten Funny, Silly, and Downright Inconsiderate Names, this selection makes us laugh:

Carrie Oakey – karaoke
Terry Bill – Will’s friend from Portchester, England
Barb Dwyer – barbed wire
Stan Still – stand still as in an Army Sergeant-Major: ‘Stand still you ‘orrible little man.’
Annette Kirton – a net curtain
Theresa Green or Brown
Justin Case
Norman Knight – a friend of Will and Guy’s.
Rick O’Shea – as in “ricochet” of a bullet
Seymour Legg – see more leg……………….
Ray Gunn came very close to inclusion in this top ten – just Jo King.

A Brainy Family

Will’s wife used to teach at a school in Surrey, England, where there was a family named, Brain.

The father was Ivor Brain and the children were – A. Brain and P. Brain. Go on – say the names out loud.

More Possibilities for Unfortunate and Weird Children’s Names

Girls have an extra hazard, they could marry a man with a tricky surname. For example, Annette Brown marries Joe Curtain (Kirton) and becomes A Net Curtain. There was also Penny Farthing who married Mr Halfpenny. Two farthings made one-half penny in old English money.

Ten More Silly, Funny Children’s Names

Simon Swindells
Doug Hole
Rose Bush
Daisy Picking
Pearl Button
Penny Bunn
Dawn Hobbs
Anna Prentice
Anna Sasin
Priti Manek (There is always one combination that Guy does not get, Will says ‘Guy, it’s Pretty Manic’)

Sent in by a reader who went to school with – Dinah Drain!

Weird Children’s Names

There is a Zulu tradition to name children after events that occur near their birth – fair enough. However, Will and Guy pity these poor children who have been given these unfortunate names following the 2010 World Cup in South Africa. Coach Sibise, Stadium Gumbi, Tickets Ngubane, Kick-off Shabalala Red-card Mbatha, and Park n Ride Khumalo. We also wonder about the father of Offside Mchunu and the mother of Substitute Shandu.

More Hoggs

In Houston, Texas, we had a lovely lady named Ima Hogg. One simply did not make fun of her name because she was very rich and very generous supporting worthwhile causes as her father did. Rice University was one of her charities.

Of course, there were a few that said she had a sister named Bea Hogg. and A brother named Eura Hogg.

(Kindly sent in by Leigh Eaton)

Funny Names Survey – Results Revealed

The funniest names in Britain have been revealed in a new and recent study and include Terry Bull. Interestingly, Will and Guy have a friend, who lives in Portchester, named Terry Bill who has suffered all his life from Mickey taking him.

A former Royal Air Force man, Stan Still, 76, was also named along with Barb Dwyer, Max Power, Justin Case, Mary Christmas and Paige Turner, we can report. Stan Still, from, Cirencester, Wiltshire, England commented, ‘When I was in the RAF my commanding officer used to shout “Stan Still! Get a move on” and roll about laughing. It got hugely boring. My name has been a blooming millstone around my neck.’

The study also unveiled wacky names in the USA, including Carrie Oakey, Annette Curtain, a dentist called Les Plack, and a doctor called Sumey.

A spokesman for the site which compiled the study, told us, ‘Parents need to think carefully when choosing names for their children. What’s quirky and fun for a toddler might be regretted when the person is older.’

Strange Decline of “Rude” British Surnames

Recent research carried out by Professor Richard Webber [King’s College, London] has brought to light an interesting and puzzling conundrum say Will and Guy.

It has been noticed that many “old” British surnames have been disappearing in recent years; old names that have been used for generations are being lost. We think the reason may be that in modern times people have become increasingly embarrassed to hold “funny” and unusual names that may make other people laugh.

Names like: Daft, Death, Smellie, Gotobed, Shufflebottom, Willy, Nutters, Piggs, and Jelly have declined seriously in the past century or so. We imagine that these people have changed their names to something innocuous.

the fastest-growing surname in Britain is Zhang, which has grown from 123 in 1996 to 5,804 in 2008. It is closely followed by four other Chinese names: Wang, Yang, Huang, and Lin; only after that do a couple of African names get
a look in Moyo and Dube.

Some things have not changed, however. In 1881 the most popular surnames were, in order, Smith, Jones, Williams, Brown, Taylor, Davies, Wilson, Evans, and Thomas; those top nine names are still in exactly the same order of popularity today.

Get Ready

… Set

……. Sonya Marks

Very Unusual and Funny British Names Revealed Say, Will, and Guy

Shy, Unity and Bean are just some of the particularly unusual names British parents have given their children over the past 10 years, it’s been revealed. The bizarre monikers emerged after researchers trawled through the millions of recorded names given to newborns since the year 2000.

Other off-beat names in the top 20 list include Zowie, Puppy, and Ice. There are also a handful of unusual hippy-style names such as Stone, Gift, Heaven, and Echo, while the fashion world might have inspired the names Denim, Diesel, and Armani.

In what can be the only solace in having one of these odd names, at least you’re less likely to meet too many people with the same name as them. That would just be embarrassing.

From the list, we present to you our top 10 most curious, funny, and strange names:

Guy’s Top 10 Names
Rated For Strangeness

Porsche
D’Andre
Zowie
Denim
Armani
Rooney
Bowie
Cobain
Stone
Heaven

Will’s Top 10 Funny Names Rated For Curiosity

Shy
Unity
Bean
Puppy
Ice
Diesel
Gift
Victory
Maroon
Echo

A spokeswoman for Bounty.com, which conducted the study, told us, ‘Our records have uncovered these unusual name choices of parents over the decade, illustrating the ever-growing trend for wackier, celebrity-style names not previously heard of in Britain’s playgrounds. It’s great to see parents being creative and wanting their children to stand out from the crowd with more unusual names but there are a few names here that children may find hard to live up to.’

Will and Guy would certainly agree with the final sentiment.

Top 10 Funny Children’s Names – Kindly Sent by June Faulding

Ivor Temper
Eva Sigh
Andy Mann
Sandy Shaw (1960s pop singer)
Noel Singer
Onya Bike
Rocky Stone
Dun Roaming
Rhoda Rage [You have to say this one with an Italian accent!]
Ross Tee

Funny Girls’s Names with a Food Connotation

Sally Lunn [Bun from Bath, England]
Victoria Plum
Marj Oram
Justin Thyme
Honey Pye
Rosemary Plant
Marie Gold
Holly Bush

Then there was Mr and Mrs Brain, who had a pet rabbit called Hare.

Will and Guy’s List of Strange, Unusual, and Occasionally Funny Surnames:

Daft – this meant meek and mild-natured in medieval times.
Death or De’Ath
Smellie – Will knew Mr. Smellie in his childhood. The man insisted on being called Mr Smeelie. Regretfully, Will and his friends used to giggle at him.
Shufflebottom – most bottoms came from the bottom of a valley.
Dungworth
Gotobed

What’s in a Name?

Mrs Warren was discussing the origin of names with her
Primary pupils. The 7-year-olds were keen and enthusiastic learners and quickly grasped the notion that somebody named Taylor may well have had ancestors in medieval times who were makers of clothing. A family name of Baker suggested that in the Middle Ages, their predecessors might have baked bread. First names were talked about: the name William belonged to the heir to the throne of Britain and it meant ‘conqueror’ as in the Norman invader ‘William the Conqueror’ in 1066.

One lad raised his hand and spoke, ‘Please, Miss. I was named after a wall.’

‘And what is your name, young man?’ asked Mrs Warren.

‘Adrian’, came the response.

The Roman Emperor Hadrian [AD117-138] felt that his Empire was growing too large. He ordered this wall to be constructed in Northern Britain. It runs for 73 miles and is estimated to be between 13 and 15 feet high. Hadrian wanted a wall built that would mark the northern limits of his empire and consolidate the hold on those parts of Britain already subdued. Hadrian’s empire would not include Caledonia. [Scotland]. Although the Roman Army was strong enough to defeat the Picts who lived in Caledonia, Hadrian felt that the rough terrain and the guerrilla tactics employed by the Picts made the conquering of Scotland not worth his while.

What’s in a Name – Latest Research

Studies by Richard Wiseman and others have shown that pupils with ‘successful’ names get higher marks, and succeed in school, compared with those with ‘unsuccessful’ names. Will and Guy say that while such psychology probably is true, it needs to be put into context. For example, in Wales (home of Dylan Thomas), Dylan would be a normal name. But if Dylan moved to England they may call him Dull’un.

Nevertheless, in a large survey trends may be significant, for instance, Jack, James, and Ryan are good, successful names for boys, and Lucy, Elizabeth, and Sophie for girls. However, Brian, Thomas, and George were not highly rated by this survey, neither were Lucy, Tracey, or Ann.

Another factor is age. Names that are popular in one era, sound old-fashioned two generations later, for example, Florrie, Agnes, and Constance would seem like unfortunate children’s names in 2008.

True Story

A policeman pulled over a teenage girl for a traffic violation in Montana.

Policeman: ‘What’s your name?’
Girl: ‘Betsy Ross*.’

Policeman: ‘Date of birth?’

Girl: ‘Fourth of July.’

As the officer thought that she was ‘taking the Mickey’, he questioned her more closely. However, a phone call to he father, and he produced the documents to prove that she was indeed Betsy Ross, born on 7/4/1990**.

(* According to Legend Betsy Ross sewed the first American Flag.) (** 4th of July in American date notation. In Montana, it’s legal to drive at 15. In Dakota, the driving age is as low as 14. However, I understand that at least in some states, drivers under 18 cannot take passengers, unless one passenger is over 25.)

Weird Name Change to: Mr Sprout

A man called Russell has changed his surname by *deed poll to Sprout. Here is a photo of Mr Sprout.

Russell Sprout, 26, from Ocean Village, Southampton, Hampshire, UK, dislikes the taste of Brussels sprouts and hasn’t eaten one for years. ‘Sprout was always my nickname and my friends dared me to change my surname to Sprout,’ he told the Daily Echo. ‘In the end, I thought why not? I dropped my middle name, which was James, so I am just Russell Sprout. I have got rid of the chance of having a rubbish nickname now because everyone just calls me Sprout and I like that.’

Russell, a council tax officer, added, ‘Some people actually take it seriously and don’t bat an eyelid, they just don’t get it. But most people will say, ‘Say that again’, or they will laugh. I get all sorts of responses.’

* In the UK it is possible to change your name by deed poll. This will cost £7.50 [$14.90]. This has been possible since 1760; a decade or so ago only 15,000 people took advantage of it but now more than 40,000 people seek to change their names each year. Applications are up by some 20%. Divorcees sometimes wish to change their names back to their maiden name. Civil partnerships, marriages, and immigrants sometimes create a new ‘meshed’ name from their two surnames.

Interesting changes are not always allowed: Samantha Holloway wished to become HMP Holloway [Her Majesty’s Prison] but the UK Passport Office refused to issue her a passport in that name.

Famous Name Changes:

Elton John = Reginald Dwight
Bono = Paul Hewson

The above are infinitely superior name changes than these unfortunate names

Jellyfish Mc-Saveloy
Mouth Who Wants To Know O’Mighty
Toasted Teacake
Or even the unfortunate name: Neil Down

Funny Name Change

A Somerset teenager, George Garratt, aged 19, has changed his name to Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine Hulk, And The Flash Combined. The music graduate changed his name by deed poll online for £10 [$16] Will and guy have established. Captain Fantastic told reporters, ‘I wanted to be unique. I decided upon a theme of superheroes.’

The teenager, from Glastonbury, Somerset, England, added that while he thought the new name was ‘crazy’, and that his grandmother was no longer speaking to him. Why are we not surprised?

Other Funny Children’s Names

He joins several people with unusually long names, including Rhoshandiatellyneshiaunneveshenk Koyaanisquatsiuth Williams, a girl born in Texas in 1984.

Also, in Italy, we have discovered a couple was banned from naming their son Friday, Venerdi because the name could expose him to ridicule. Named after the manservant of Daniel Defoe’s famous novel ‘Robinson Crusoe’, the court ordered the boy’s name be changed to Gregorio, named after the Saint’s Day on which he was born.

Meanwhile, a judge in New Zealand made a young girl a ward of court so she could change her name from Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii: and last year a couple was banned from naming their baby 4Real, so they chose Superman instead.

And There Are Yet More Weird Children’s Names

Portsmouth Football Club has a supporter who never misses a match home or away. He is so dedicated to supporting the football club that he has changed his name. It is

John Anthony Portsmouth Football Club Westwood.

Will met John, who owns a bookshop in Petersfield, Hants, England when selling some books. At football matches he is very noisy, ringing a handbell and bellowing his support. ‘In real life’ he is a much more gentle, learned person.

The Maori name for a hill in New Zealand so Will and Guy believe is:

Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapiki-maungahoronukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu

Now, that is a long word. You may know of a longer one, if so please let us know.

Appendix – Ideas For You To Generate More Unfortunate Children’s Names!

Brandy Bottle
Bella Donna Drink
Brooke Waters
Bryony
Bunny Hare
Cammie Sole
Chrystal Glass
Ebony Wood
Gayle Storm
Gladys
Jasmine Flowers
Judy Punch
Katy Litter
Kimberley Mine
Lyn
Nelly
Paris Plaster
Penny Whistler
Prudence Island
Patsy
Shandy
Una
Trixie
Tori
Verity
Jade Stone
Cindy
Caesar Salad
Dan
Ben
Luke Warm
Sam
Noah
Jonah Wales
Chad Ticket
Grant
Hector
Harley Davidson
Junior
Nick Cut
Butcher, Baker, Taylor
Brown, White, Green
Miller
Lee, Walker
Carter
Morris
Cook
Price
Long
Butler

Funny Last Name and Job

Have you ever received a letter where the signature at the bottom of the page accurately reflects the profession of the person writing? Or perhaps in a newspaper, you have come across an appropriate name that matches the type of job the person has. For example, an editor of the Christian Science Monitor had the name of Silence Bellows.

Funny Name and Job

Guy and Will have researched some more which may make you smile. Where possible we have shown where the names come from. Sadly we cannot guarantee their accuracy:

Bankers, Wallowa County, Oregon: Cheatham & Steele
Chorister, Westminster Choir College, Princeton, New Jersey: Justin Tune
Gynaecologist, New York Hospital, New York City: Dr Zoltan Ovary
Chairman, Tetley Tea Company, London: Tetley Ironsides Tetley Jones
Dentist, Roslyn Heights, New York: Dr. E. Z. Filler
Phlebotomist, St Mary’s Hospital, Portsmouth, UK: Lavinia Blood
The National Director of Surgery at the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs in Washington, D.C. Dr Blades
Plumber Worcester UK: Mr Turner-Heaton
Lloyds/TSB Bank Manager, Waterlooville, UK: Mr F. Knox
Mr. Vice, Malefactor, New Orleans, Louisiana. Arrested 890 times and convicted 421, probably a record (International Herald Tribune)

More Funny Name and Job

Interior decorator, Reading, UK: Derek Paynter
Municipal Tax Collector, Brazil (Financial Times): Cardiac Arrest da Silva
Funeral Director, Sydney, Australia: C. D’ Eath and Sons[Will once knew a Mrs Pine-Coffin from Devon, UK but she was an owner of holiday cottages, not an undertaker]
Landscape Gardeners from Salisbury, UK called: Budd and Bush
Silent Movie Organist, Rochester, New York: C. Sharp Minor
Central City, Kentucky automobile salesman: Henry Ford Carr
Never Fail is a builder in Tulsa, Oklahoma
Mr Robbins is a renowned ornithologist (bird scientist and bird-bander) at a Federal wildlife research center in Maryland, USA. He is co-author of the guidebook “Birds of North America”.
This one does not fit in at all with the others but we couldn’t resist it: Charles Adolphe Faux-Pas Bidet, Commissaire de Police, Paris, France in the 1930’s

Here Are Will and Guy’s Top Ten Favourite Names Which Fit The Job Perfectly

An aptronym or aptonym is a name aptly suited to its owner. They can often be hilarious, amusing, and funny. Will and Guy have researched these examples for you to enjoy.

David Bird is an ornithologist.
Scott Constable is, of course, a policeman.
Helen Painter is an artist.
Raymond Strike has to be a Trades Union leader.
Shona Shears cuts people’s hair.
Steve Adore is a dock worker.
Dr. Joseph Babey is a pediatrician.
Dr Djerk works as a psychiatrist.
Bertha de Bleus is a jazz singer [sounds suspicious to me says Will].
And yes, Dr D’Eath is a surgeon.

Ones for luck: Roy Grout is a bricklayer who has a mate named Morris Glaser who does the windows.

Funny, Clean Aptronyms or Aptonyms

Fictional examples of aptronyms include Mr. Talkative and Mr. Worldly Wiseman in John Bunyan’s classic book “The Pilgrim’s Progress” written in 1678. The word aptronymn itself was probably invented by United States newspaper columnist Franklin P. Adams.

Alan Ball was an English footballer who played in England’s 1966 World Cup-winning team.
Anna Smashnova, tennis player.
Billy Drummond, an American jazz drummer.
Bob Flowerdew, gardener, and Gardeners’ Question Time panelist.
Bob Rock, rock music producer, including Metallica and Bon Jovi.
Brenda Song, singer.
Cecil Fielder and his son Prince Fielder, baseball players.
Jaime Gold winner of the 2006 World Series of Poker
Chuck Long, former NFL quarterback for the Detroit Lions and the Los Angeles Rams.
Henry Head, an English neurologist.
Igor Judge, Lord Chief Justice of England and Wales.
Learned Hand, judge.
Lord Brain, a neurologist.
Marc Rich, billionaire financier.
Margaret Court, tennis player.
Margaret Spellings, Education Secretary under George W. Bush.
Peter Bowler, a cricketer who was, in fact, primarily a batsman.
Pippa Greenwood, plant pathologist and “Gardeners’ Question Time” panelist in the UK.
Scott Free a defense attorney.
Thomas Crapper, manufacturer of Victorian toilets. Please note that the word “crap” predates Mr Crapper.].
Tiger Woods, golfer [A wood is a type of golf club].
Usain Bolt, Jamaican sprinter, Olympic Gold medalist, 100m and 200m world record holder.
William Wordsworth, poet.

Aptonyms

The name ‘aptonym’ is derived from the old English word ‘apt’ meaning ‘exactly suitable’, and the Greek ‘Onuma’ or ‘name’.

Here are Relatives of Aptonyms

Toponymy – The Study of Unusual Place Names

Fleatown is an itchy place in Ohio.
Great Cockup in Cumbria, England.
Two Guns, famously in Arizona.
Giggleswick in Yorkshire, England.
Toad Suck is found in Arkansas.
A Monkey’s Eyebrow is based in Arizona.
See more examples of Toponymy.

Nominative Determinism

Nominative sounds like Latin grammar, but in this context nominative just means name. The underpinning concept is that Asian parents apply expectation theory to choosing their child’s name, as a result, their offspring are pre-determining to get on in life. While Carl Jung espoused this view in a paper on synchronicity, this view of selecting boy’s names in particular with an eye to their role in society goes back to the dawn of civilization.

Another variant of nominative determination comes with surnames in Western societies. Here are examples

Larry Speakes – Ronald Regan’s Whitehouse spokesman.
Lord Judge – Chief Justice in England.
Chris Moneymaker – Poker player.
Stephen Rowbotham – British Olympic oarsman.
And last but not least Usain Bolt.

In addition to aptronym, here are more synonyms for nominative determinism apronym, aptonym, jobonymns, and name phreaks.

South African Update

There is a Zulu tradition to name children after events that occur near their birth – fair enough. However, Will and Guy pity these poor children who have been given these unfortunate names following the 2010 World Cup in South Africa. Coach Sibise, Stadium Gumbi, Tickets Ngubane, and Park n Ride Khumalo. We also wonder about the father of Offside Mchunu.

Funny House Names

Will and Guy are building a collection of amusing, witty, and droll names of houses, flats, and bungalows. Our only criterion is that the name brings a smile to our faces.

Will and Guy’s Top Ten Funny House Names

Bogg View has been seen; it is, apparently opposite a public toilet
Costa Plenty can be viewed outside Beckenham, Kent, England
Esso View is opposite a petrol [gas] station in England
Rosa told us she saw a picturesque row of thatched cottages and the one on the end was called ‘The Last Straw’
Ersanmyne is a house name outside Ferndown, Dorset, England
Of course, there are the old faithful: Dunroamin; Dunworkin; Dunwhining; Dunin; Dunkerrin; all over the UK and Ireland
Hodge Podge Lodge was sent to Will by Fred from Glasgow
Badde Manors
Windy Heights was spotted in Somerset, England on a house at the top of a hill
John and Maureen Franklin’s home is named ‘Moonraker’ * because they both originate from the county of Wiltshire, England

*The term Moonraker is used for Wiltshire people. It is thought to indicate that they are a bit challenged when it comes to the intelligence department. However, all is not quite as it seems.

The term originated as a result of a raid by customs men on a Wiltshire village. They suspected the locals of illegal distilling. The raid took place at night and the local people had a tip-off that it was to take place. They disposed of the illegal stills, associated equipment, and booze in the mill pond.

It was a still, moonlit night when the customs men raided the village, and the equipment and all could be seen at the bottom of the pond through the glassy surface. The locals fetched rakes and other farm implements and pretended to be stupid by trying to rake the reflection of the moon off the surface of the pond in order to disturb the surface so that the customs men could not see what was hidden at the bottom.

Thus the name Moonraker was born. Wiltshiremen are not as stupid as their reputation would have us believe!

Items that Missed the Top Ten Funny House Names

In Isleworth, London Will saw a house, near the sewage plant, called ‘The House at Poo Corner’.
Llamedos has been spotted in Yorkshire, England

We suspect there are more, so if you see any amusing house names, please send them in!

Who Could be Living in These Houses?

Here are the amusing names of people living in such houses.

Pearl Button – Threadneedle House
Rose Bush – Garden Cottage
Norman Knight – Castle Court
Jonah Wales – Sea View
See more amusing names.

House Buyers’ Terms Explained

Going to take advantage of the slow late summer housing market to buy a house? There are all kinds of terms that are used to describe real estate, so be prepared! Before you go out, check this list of House Buyers’ Terms and what they really mean:

“Price recently reduced” (It used to be priced ‘way, way too high.’ It is now merely priced ‘way too high.’)

“Recently updated” (We hung up a new calendar in the kitchen.)

“Hardwood floors” (We had to pull up the carpets because the previous owner totally trashed them.)

“Floor-to-ceiling windows” (Ceiling is window height.)

“Den could be a third bedroom” (If you don’t mind sleeping standing up, that is.)

“Breathtaking views” (That is meant literally, taking into account all the Dumpsters next door.)

“A gated community” (All the residents have bars on their windows.)

“Open floor plan” (We couldn’t afford walls.)

“Convenient location near the interstate” (People driving by can see into your shower.)

“Unique windows” (They’re not made of the usual glass, but rather plywood.)

“Great starter home” (It’s a halfway house.)

“Recently landscaped” (The dog just dug a whole bunch of new holes in the backyard.)

“Fun, active area” (The house backs up to the exercise yard of the local jail.)

“Great investment home” (You can’t actually live there yourself.)

“Custom paint” (The house was painted in 1970, back when that was the custom.)

“Huge sun room” (There’s a big hole in the roof.)

“Wonderful agricultural area!” (Many of your neighbors use their basements to grow marijuana.)

“Peaceful neighborhood” (The truce between the gangs is still holding.)

“Lovely golf course location” (If you want to step out into the backyard, you’d better wear a helmet.)

“Seller motivated” (He’s had it with all the wild neighborhood parties and drunk college students.)

“Beautiful wood molding” (The beautiful ceiling is molding, too.)

“Fountain in back yard” (The hose leaks.)

“Wonderful old tree” (It fell on the house.)

“New driveway!” (The only thing we can really tout about this house is a patch of concrete.)

“Minutes away from shopping, schools, and parks” (139 minutes, to be exact.)

“A homeowner’s dream come true!” (A nightmare is a dream.)

“Hurry, this won’t last!” (The whole place is about ready to collapse.)

Strange Names for Public Houses

Will and Guy have a collection of amusing pub signs. Here are our favorites.

Bucket of Blood – Phillack, Cornwall
*The Fawcett Inn – Portsmouth, Hampshire
*The Ram Inn – Newark, Nottinghamshire
Moderation Inn – Reading, Berkshire
*The Pub with No Name – Priors Dean, Hampshire [known by locals as The White Horse Inn]
The Vat and Fiddle – Nottingham
The Happy Medium – Chichester, West Sussex
The Hung Drawn And Quartered, London
*Hole in the Wall – Southsea, Hampshire; *Caernarvon, north Wales; Little Wilbraham, Cambridgeshire; Waterloo, London; Lowside, Bowness Windermere, Cumbria [Hole Int Wall]; and several other venues.
The Bleeding Wolf, Hale, Altrincham, Cheshire
Blooming Fuchsia, Ipswich, Suffolk
The Cow and Snuffers, Llandaff, Cardiff, Wales
Drunken Duck, Hawkshead, Cumbria
Mad Dog, Odell, Bedfordshire
The Quiet Woman – York [The sign being a woman carrying her own severed head]
Nobody Inn – Doddiscombsleigh, Devon

* Will has sampled the beer in these pubs.

Funny Names of Shops

There’s a mobile snack caravan on Dartmoor, England named: ‘The Hound of the Basket Meals’. (The Hound of the Baskerville is a popular local saga.)
Also, we hear rumors of butchers called: ‘The Meating Place’.
A driving school in the Merseyside area of England called ‘L Passo’.
Chip n’ Dales – Fish Restaurant in New Jersey
‘A Pane in the Glass’ is the amusing name of a glazier’s in New York State, USA