Funny Oxymorons

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. Groucho Marx

• Funny Oxymoron Examples
• Over-the-top Oxymoron Example
• Cruel Examples of Oxymorons
• Examples of Oxymoron Phrases
• Funny Joke
  Requests – Examples of Oxymorons at Work
• Funny and Strange Words
• 
  Annoying, irritating and sometimes downright silly expressions

Funny Oxymoron Examples

English contains a rich supply of figures of speech, but few have as many
amusing possibilities as an oxymoron, for example:

• Dry lake
• Fuzzy logic
• Living dead
• Free gift
• Numb sensation
• Same difference, once again
• Stand down
• Metal woods (Golfers)
• Books on tape
• Crash landing (As a result of friendly fire from a peacekeeping missile?)
• Detailed summary
• Anarchy rules!
• Park drive
• Stationary orbit
• Jumbo shrimp, followed by vegetarian meatballs, and for desert, grape
  nuts.

Cruel Examples of Oxymorons

• Pretty ugly

  Will and Guy recommend

  Flocks, Herds, Litters & Schools by Jim McMullan

  

• Punk music  (Live recording)
• Civil servant
• Gourmet pizza, served by a fast waiter.
• Airline food
• User friendly
• Non-working mother
• Microsoft Works on a Vista operating system
• Political Co-operation (Political science)
• Work party
• Loners club
• Labour Party (or Conservative Party or Liberal Party)
• Silent women, at least not in married life
• French resistance
• Swiss navy
• Greater Cleveland (In UK – Greater Manchester)
• California style

Over-the-top Oxymoron Example

I can picture my friend ‘Barking’ Eddie, it’s a pretty ugly sight. I see him
half naked, sipping non-alcoholic beer from his plastic glass.  Then
from time-to-time he nibbles on his cold hotdog, which is smothered in hot
chili sauce.  For pudding Eddie will be having freezer burnt, white
chocolate, ice cream, with a plain fudge topping.

Next week Eddie is
organizing a working party for Hell’s angels.  This is a new tradition,
they will be spending a whole half-day on the top floor of his low-rise
office.  They are hoping to watch a live recording of a programme about
turning green oranges into non-stick glue.

Ten Examples of Oxymoron Phrases

1. A stripper’s dressing room
2. Click the start button, and shut down
3. First strike defence
4. Former President-for-life (Haiti)
5. Alone in a crowd
6. Xenophobic Foreign Secretary (Xenophobic = hates strangers)
7. Personalized form letter
8. I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous!
9. Always remember you’re unique…just like everyone else!
10. An oral contract isn’t worth the paper its written on

Another Batch of Amusing Oxymorons

• Freezer burn, caused by liquid gas, created an anxious patient
• Open secret – clearly confused
• Found missing – minor crisis averted
• Tight slacks – Pretty ugly
• We climbed down into a blocked drain
• Soft rock, as shown on educational television
• Monopoly (Mono  Poly?) And why is there only one monopolies
  commission?
• Head butt

Funny Joke Requests –
Examples of Oxymorons at Work

Here are funny requests that are often given to newbies, or as part of
initiative rites for new employees.  Other names for this mischief include:
fool’s errand, snipe hunt or a wild goose chase.  You can picture the scenario, ‘Hey Sonny, go down to the stores and ask Joe for a dozen
….’

• Threadless screws
• Half-round squares
• Long weights (wait!)
• Hen’s teeth
• Eels’ feet
• Bags of steam
• Gallons of dehydrated water
• Left-handed hammers
• Shelf stretchers
• Muffler bearings, or a piston return springs
• Sky hooks – low cloud type
• Bubbles for spirit levels
• Jars of elbow grease
• Striped paint
• Gallons of jet wash

Oxymoron Definitions

The dictionary definition of oxymoron is:-  A rhetorical figure of speech in which contradictory
terms are paired, for example, alone together, current history or boneless ribs.
However, with an oxymoron the incongruous word pairing conveys a truth or a dramatic result.

It is possible to sub-divide English oxymorons into three main
categories:
a) Pure puns such as gourmet
pizza.
b) Accidents, like an original copy.
c) Paradoxes, my
favourite example is ‘serious joke’.

d) An alternative zany definition for an oxymoron: One who forgets to
breathe!

The word oxymoron is derived
from the Greek oxumōros, which means ‘obviously foolish’, a Latin
equivelent would be: contradictio in terminis.  Incidentally, the related word
sideroxylon specifically refers to a mismatch between the noun and its adjective, e.g.
cold fire.

As I ponder the word oxymoron, I cannot decide which plural is the better Oxymora
or oxymorons.  I also cannot get the syllable ‘moron’ out of my mind.

Footnote:
Now that you are alerted to the humour in oxymorons, I hope that you
will spot them on
advertising hoardings, in newspaper headlines, and on T.V.  If you see
an good examples, then please send them to us:

For example
Look at the giant midget settle on the
jumbo shrimp [Sent by Johnathan C]
Student teacher [Several ex-pupils
pointed out!]
Peace
force [Zara E, who calls it an oximoron]

Another Batch of Oxymorons

• Plastic glasses.
• Extinct life.
• Clearly misunderstood.
• Genuine imitation.
• Act naturally.
• Butt-head.

Funny and Strange Words

Reported in The Scotsman newspaper by Aura Sabadus:

Mallemaroking may not be a word that crops up often in everyday conversation, but a prestigious reference book based in Edinburgh is fighting to save it, along with other quirky entries.

The expression,
which means ‘carousing of seamen in ice-bound ships’, is on a save list compiled by the Chambers Dictionary in an attempt to preserve linguistic heritage, and to amuse Scrabblers
or crossword setters. Ian
Brookes, the dictionary’s
editor, said the publication, ‘resisted the temptation to toss words out, even if that meant adding more pages’.

He added: ‘Some of the words have a certain relish about them and it
would be sad to lose them. The Chambers Dictionary is one of the few reference books to preserve such words.’

Mr Brookes said rare words were often looked up by people drawing up family trees.

Also on the
save list are jobernowl (blockhead), logodaedalus (someone skilled in the manipulative use of words), incompossible (incapable of co-existing) and supernaculum (to the last drop).  But the new edition, will include new words such as ‘stooze’
– to borrow money at a cheap rate.

Onomatopoeic Sounds

Onomatopoeia is figure of speech where the word sounds like the thing that it is
describing.  For example, ‘Miaow’ ‘moo’, or ‘slosh’.   Here are
examples from advertising.

• ‘Snap crackle pop.’
  Kelloggs cleverly
  use this onomatopoeia in their Rice Krispies adverts.
• ‘Plink, plink, fizz, fizz’.
  Alka Seltzer, UK.

See more Onomatopoeic
examples.

Annoying, irritating and sometimes downright silly expressions added by
Will and Guy:

• Ordinary people. Who is ordinary? Who is not ordinary?
• Zero tolerance
• I had no choice
• In all honesty
• Abstinence
• Bipartisan
• As we speak
• Arguably
• Level playing field
• Someone once said [often followed by an obscure quotation]
• Just doing my job
• Have a nice day
• Hindsight is 20/20
• Don’t go there
• I’m good

Footnote:
Please send us your funny oxymoron examples.