Did you hear about the fight in the biscuit tin?
The bandit hit the penguin over the head with a club, tied him to a wagon wheel with a blue ribbon and made his breakaway in a
The names of
chocolate biscuit bars available in the United Kingdom, and perhaps, elsewhere.
Biscuit City View
Funny Food Jokes
Nigel retired before Sally, and as a result he would do more of the chores. For example on Friday he would dust and vacuum the house. On two other days he would prepare and cook the evening meal.
forté was certainly not cooking. One recipe asked for 'seasoned flour' to be added. Nigel searched the kitchen cupboards and found the plain flour and the self-raising flour. In the end he had to ring Sally at
her work to ask where she kept the 'seasoned flour'.
A Generous Diet
Needing to shed a few pounds, Robert, and his wife Jennifer, went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. They followed the instructions extremely closely, dividing
the finished recipe in half for their individual portions. Robert and Jennifer felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful; they had never felt better, nor did they ever feel hungry.
progressed, Robert and Jennifer realized that they were, in fact, putting on weight and not losing it. They decided that they ought to check the detail of the recipes just one more time. It was then that they
found their error.
There, in small print, Robert and Jennifer saw, to their horror: 'Serves 6'.
Kevin was furious when his steak arrived cooked too rare.
Kevin shouted, 'Didn't you hear me say "well done"?'
'Of course I did,
sir, I can't thank you enough, sir,' replied the waiter. 'I hardly ever get
Last week, Alex and Ann went to a restaurant for dinner in Albert Road,
Southsea. They scanned the menu, then promptly ordered two steaks.
The waiter duly brought the steaks with fries and salad. Alex quickly
picked out the bigger steak for himself
Ann was decidedly unhappy about that, 'When are you going to learn to be
polite, Alex?' she complained.
Alex responded by asking, 'If you had the chance to pick first, which one
would you pick?'
'The smaller piece, of course,' replied Ann.
'Then what are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you
want, right?' Alex concluded.
Amusing Dieting Yarns
So Hungry I could Eat the Plate
Chen Liang-erh, 50, an amateur inventor living in Taipei, Taiwan has
perfected an edible plate. It is made from wheat grain, and he plans to
mass-produce it with other edible crockery including cups, bowls and food
Will and Guy are aware that he argues that hungry diners, tempted to lick
a plate after a delicious meal, can now go a step further and demolish the
whole lot. Sadly, we have learned, the plates have the taste of unsalted
popcorn - not exactly an exciting culinary delight.
In his favour Chen says the crockery can be boiled and will provide a
nutritious meal for your pet. Lovely.
See more funny diet jokes
The best way to lose weight is by skipping ..... snacks and dessert.
One guideline applies to fat and thin people alike: if you're thin, don't
eat fast. If you're fat, don't eat - FAST.
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut
her up with cookies..........
A women's group was discussing diet tips. When it was mentioned that
getting enough exercise and sleep were just as important as watching food
intake, one woman responded with surprise that sleep was a factor. Another
replied, 'Of course sleep is a factor. The only time I'm not eating is when
One of life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman
gain five pounds.
The only exercise I get is jumping to conclusions.
Half A Diet is Better than No Diet at All
Genevieve belongs to our Diet Club and she was lamenting that she had
She told us that she had made her family's favourite and luscious cake
over the weekend, and added that they'd eaten half of it at dinner that
The next day, Genevieve continued, she kept staring at the other half,
until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another,
and soon the whole cake had vanished.
She went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and
how she knew her husband would be so disappointed. Everyone commiserated,
until someone asked what her husband said when he found out.
Genevieve smiled broadly and quipped, 'He never found out. I made another
cake and ate half of that too.'
My friend Ben is well known for his rather 'in-your-face' eco-friendly
and green credentials.
We were eating at a Chinese restaurant in the High Street when an elderly
waiter set chopsticks at our places. Ben made a point of reaching into her
purse and pulling out her own pair with a flourish.
'As a keen environmentalist*,' Ben declared loudly to no-one in
particular, 'I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway
The waiter inspected his chopsticks. 'Ah lovely, very beautiful,' he said
*Fact: China uses 45 billion chopsticks per year. 25 million trees are
chopped down to make them!
Funny Food and Diet Trivia
Will and Guy have to be honest and tell you that laughter will not enable
you to lose weight. However, if you feel fed-up with all the pressures of
dieting perhaps you can laugh, or at least smile at some of our random Food
and Diet Trivia
Honey is the only food that does not spoil. Honey found in the tombs
of Egyptian pharaohs has been tasted by archaeologists and found edible
To make one kilo of honey bees have to visit 4 million flowers,
travelling a distance equal to 4 times around the earth
An ounce of chocolate contains about 20 mg of caffeine
more than 10,000 varieties of tomatoes
Each American eats approximately 22 pounds of tomatoes yearly. Over
½ of the tomato consumption is in the form of catsup and sauce
Peanuts are used in the manufacture of dynamite
A family of four could live for 10 years from the bread produced by
one acre of wheat
The world's oldest piece of chewing gum is approximately 9000 years
Half of the world's population live on a staple diet of rice
Tea is said to have been discovered in 2737 BC by a Chinese emperor
when some tea leaves accidentally blew into a pot of boiling water: See
1.5 billion cups of tea are enjoyed throughout the world every day
In France, people eat approximately 500,000,000 snails per year
Approximately one billion snails are served in restaurants annually
Over 90% of all fish caught are caught in the northern hemisphere
75% of fish caught are eaten - the rest is used to make things such
as glue, soap, margarine and fertilizer
Over the last 40 years food production actually increased faster
The average person eats almost 1500 lbs of food in a year
Carrots have zero fat content
Carrots were first cultivated in Afghanistan in the 7th century, and
they started with yellow flesh and a purple exterior
Chocolate is the number one foodstuff flavour in the world, beating
both vanilla and banana
Native Americans never actually ate turkey; killing such a timid
bird was thought to indicate laziness. See:Turkeys or equivalent
The amount of pizza eaten each day in the USA measures between 75
Found on the seal of a bag of bagels: New and Improved - Made the
old fashioned way
Comical Food for Thought
Was Told This Joke by His Wife's 98 year Old Aunt Cis
There were 2 eggs boiling in a pan.
One egg says to the other, 'My, it's hot in here.'
The other replies,
'You think that's bad? When you get out they bash your head in.'
Sign in restaurant window: Eat now - Pay waiter.
Sign outside a cafe: "Now Serving Food". (It makes one wonder what
they used to serve.)
Dieting is the triumph of mind over platter.
It's more fun to talk to someone who doesn't use long difficult words but
rather short, easy words like 'What about lunch?' from Winnie the Pooh by AA
Funny Food Joke Items on
The following are items found overseas in which people have made unusual
and funny use of English words for various products, and bizarre and amusing
menu items in restaurants:
Laugh with us as you read these hilarious examples
Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce - China
Indonesian Nazi Goreng - Hong Kong
Muscles Of Marines and Lobster Thermos - Cairo
French fried ships - Cairo
Garlic Coffee - Europe
Sole Bonne Femme (Fish Landlady style) - Europe
Boiled Frogfish - Europe
Sweat from the trolley - Europe
Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream - China
Rainbow Trout, Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse - Hong Kong
Roasted duck let loose - Poland
Beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion - Poland
Fried friendship - Nepal
Strawberry crap - Japan
Pork with fresh garbage - Vietnam
Toes with butter and jam - Bali
French Creeps - Los Angeles
Fried fishermen - Japan
Teppan Yaki - Before Your Cooked Right Eyes - Japan
Pepelea's Meat Balls - Romania
Pigeon's milk is one of the desserts on offer at a Latvian restaurant.
Also on the menu is a main course of 'grilled surgeon'. Here are more
funny food examples:
Thai hotel told guests: 'do not bring solicitors into your room'.
A Polish restaurant offers: "roasted duck let loose, beef rashers
beaten in the country people's fashion".
While a Japanese public bath warned guests: 'not to pull cock in
Real Life at Drive-thru Burger Bars
Six one and half a dozen of the other.
Yvonne arrived at the whopper burger bar and read on the menu that she
could order 6, 9 or 12 chicken nuggets. She promptly and politely requested
half a dozen nuggets.
'We don't do half a dozen nuggets,' responded the teenager at the counter
'You don't?' Yvonne inquired quizzically.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' came the reply from the youngster.
'Right,' said Yvonne with a broad smile, 'Let me get this straight. I
can't order half a dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'Correct,' was the bland reply.
Yvonne shook her head rather sadly and ordered six nuggets.
Will and Guy's Philosophy
Our overall philosophy on food humour is a varied diet of amusing videos, funny, yet clean
food jokes, blended with thought provoking pictures and the odd story.
Please send us your funny food jokes.
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and funny jokes