Food Jokes

Aussie Barbie. Funny barbecue jokes and amusing barbeque stories

Aussie Barbecue Joke

After 4 long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to summer and Barbecue season. Therefore, it is important to refresh your memory on this sublime outdoor cooking etiquette as it’s the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the Barbecue, usually on a Saturday, the following chain of events is put into motion:

Barbecue Routine

1. The woman buys the food.
2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand. Here comes the important part:
4. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL. More routine…
5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation. Important again:
7. THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN. More routine…..
8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, and sauces and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. And most important of all:
10. Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
11. They tell good old Aussie Barbie jokes like the Question: What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? Answer: A stick.
12. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ‘her night off.’ And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women…

Footnote: If the Barbecue catches fire then the man gets out the hosepipe. Meanwhile, the woman calls the fire brigade.

More Pictures of Barbecues

Poor man’s Barbecue

Rich man’s Barbie

• Q: Why don’t the French Barbeque?
• A: The snails keep slipping through the grills.

It’s Barbie Time

I was waiting at a customer services station at Asda when a woman in front of me was returning a disposable barbeque.  When asked why she was returning the barbeque, she replied, ‘There was no meat in it.’

The shop assistant patiently explained that the disposable barbeque was simply to cook the meat and it did not include any food.  Whereupon, the customer looked very embarrassed indeed.

The assistant checked the receipt and asked: ‘There are 3 barbeques on here, are you returning the other two as well?

‘I can’t’, said the woman, ‘they are at home in the freezer’.

Debra Hails, Hartlepool

 

Arresting Barbeque in China

An escaped convict has been recaptured at a party organized at the local police station. Police in Xinzhu City, Taiwan, invited residents to celebrate the Moon Festival with them.  Officers could not believe their eyes when they saw an escaped drug dealer called Chen, who had just been listed as one of the city’s most wanted criminals, at the party.  Police officer Cai Zhengtong, who was in charge of the barbecue, said, ‘I saw a man dressed in an eye-catching yellow windbreaker enter the place and sit in the corner. He was enjoying the barbecue with the others.  I really couldn’t believe my eyes, since the man was just the criminal we were seeking.’

Police at the party quickly arrested Chen. He told officers he thought it would have been the last place police would have thought of looking for him.

More Funny Barbecue Pictures

I don’t remember inviting them to our barbecue

Polar Barbecue

Biscuit City 72,000 Chocolate Digestives, Rich Tea, Hobnobs

Created by Chinese artist Song Dong in Selfridges, London in 2006. 72,000 biscuits were used, in total, to construct the ‘Biscuit City’ including Chocolate Digestives, Rich Tea, Hobnobs, and Fruit Shortcakes.

Aerial View of Biscuit City

Biscuit City – London Bridge

Biscuit City – Paddington Station

Could that be Canary Wharf in the background?

Biscuit City View

PowerPoint Presentation – Biscuit City, London

These are the Biscuit City slides in Will and Guy’s PowerPoint Presentation

1. Biscuit City home
2. Aerial view of the city
3. Spot the bridges
4. Ooh chocolate
5. High rise buildings
6. Skyscrapers
7. Bridge
8. More tall buildings
9. Up and up
10. Railway Station
11. Close-up of station
12. Condominiums
13. Even more chocolate
14. Soccer stadium
15. Various buildings
16. Fine city view

See more on the Biscuit City

Crumb-down – Funny Biscuit Story

A Town Hall ‘crumb-down’ has been ordered because thieving visitors keep stealing the councilors’ biscuits. Bosses at Canterbury City Council, Kent, UK, are fighting back by telling staff to hide the tea trolley during meetings to stop people purloining the biccies.

An unnamed council source said, ‘People coming to sit in on the meetings see the trolley and just help themselves. They think it is something that the council lays on for free, but the biscuits are for the councilors not members of the public.’

Footnote: Interesting how we always believe an ‘Unnamed source’, but always never the official spokesman.

Cheese Jokes – Funny Stories

Here is Will and Guy’s collection of funny cheese jokes, as opposed to cheesy jokes.

“The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”

John was feeling pretty hungry. As he walked home from work, he noticed a sign in a pub window: “A pie, a pint, and a friendly word – £4”.

Settled comfortably inside, the barmaid served him his pie and his pint. “Just a moment,” he said, “where’s my friendly word?”

“Don’t eat the pie,” she replied.

Have you been offered jars of Nutella hazelnut spread lately? “Cash only, no questions asked.”

In the small town of Bad Hersfeld, central Germany, thieves got away with 5 tonnes of Nutella recently. That’s about 6,875 jars (a staggering 27 million calories!) worth almost £14,000.

Two weeks previously coffee worth £25,000 had been stolen, and last August a truckload of Red Bull energy drink disappeared in the same region of Germany.

Police are looking for hyperactive, insomniac, chocoholics.

Nick-named gastro-gangsters, food thieves are becoming more of a problem as food prices across the world rocket.

Art Inspired Cakes

Beautifully decorated cakes can be a joy to behold, but cakes decorated to resemble famous pieces of art raise the bar of artistic appreciation to a new level!

Mondrian Cake:

Hanging on a museum wall, these bold, geometric Mondrianesque shapes would go perfectly with a cup of tea. Designed by Blue Bottle Coffee to be sold at San Francisco’s Museum of Modern Art cafe, this cake is baked in separate color pieces and then assembled in a checkerboard design, but using different shaped blocks.

Photo via Charlie Villyard

Klimt Cake:

This cake is inspired by Gustav Klimt’s compelling and memorable painting “The Kiss”. It was hand-painted by Sweet Ladies Bakery for a wedding.

Photo via Sweet Ladies Bakery

Monet Cake:

Water Lilies is one of Monet’s most famous paintings. This version, by AJ’s Moonlight Cakes, is truly delicious and re-creates the painting in artfully applied icing.

Photo via AJ’s Moonlight Cakes

Keith Haring Cake:

Inspired by the prolific pop graffiti artist, this cake is a beautiful tribute to Keith Haring’s bold, clean lines and highly recognizable cartoon-like characters. Designed by an Italian baking outfit known as VampiAmiche Cakedesigners, this cake is covered with fondant icing, with outlined cut-out characters adhered for a pop-out effect. – Photo via VampiAmiche

Cake Designers

Lichtenstein Cake: Comic book styling is a big part of this cake inspired by Roy Lichtenstein’s artwork. Dots and stripes are used to create areas of color within bold black outlines. This cake, created and hand-painted by Alliance Bakery, is a piece of art in itself.

Photo via Alliance Bakery

Picasso Cake: Picasso’s abstract painting style makes for a striking centerpiece, beautifully illustrated by this three-layer cake inspired by
“Woman with Wristwatch”. This cake is beautifully hand-painted by Chocolaz Artisan Cakes. – Photo via Chocolaz Artisan Cakes

What a Way to Go.

Chris Holmes, an immigration officer for Border Force at Stansted Airport, UK, handed in his resignation ….. on a cake. Beautifully piped in black onto flawless white royal icing, he explained that having recently become a father, and realizing how precious life is, he wanted to spend his time doing something that makes him, and other people, happy so he is now devoting himself to his family and his cake making business. Known as Mr. Cake, his resignation masterpiece was a passion cake with spiced carrots, pecans, sultanas, and coconut. He said, “The manager and his colleagues were surprised but they took it very well.”

You are what you eat. MIT-Man(2007) by Fabrice Hyber part of the exhibition, Raw Materials at Baltic, Gateshead, UK, until 30 June 2013.

Goat Cheese Catches Fire in Norway

Would you believe it?  A lorry-load of burning cheese closed a road tunnel in Norway.  Over 25 tonnes of goat’s cheese (a delicacy known as Brunost) became caramelized after it caught the light as it was being driven through the Brattli Tunnel at Tysfjord in northern Norway.

The fire raged for five days and smoldering toxic gases slowed the recovery operation. Three weeks later the tunnel was still closed because of the fire damage Police officer Viggo Berg said the high concentration of fat and sugar in the cheese makes it burn “almost like petrol if it gets hot enough”.

The driver spotted the fire in his trailer and abandoned his lorry about 300m (1,000ft) from the southern entrance. No one was hurt. Kjell Bjoern Vinje, of the Norwegian Public Roads Administration, said it was the first time he could remember cheese catching fire on Norwegian roads.

“I didn’t know that brown cheese burns so well,” he said.

Surprise Cheese

Vera’s husband Charlie often fell asleep during the Sunday sermon. His wife, Vera, was fed up and decided to deal with the embarrassing situation.

The next Sunday when he fell asleep, she quietly removed some pungent Stilton cheese from a bag in her purse and passed it under his nose.

Groggily startled, Charlie cried out, ‘No, Vera, no, please don’t kiss me now.’

Cheeses

A cheese may disappoint. It may be dull, it may be naïve, it may be over-sophisticated. Yet it remains cheese, milk’s leap toward
immortality. – Clifton Fadiman, essayist (1904-1999)

Goat’s Cheese Production

A group of Americans were on a bus tour of France when they came upon the town of Sancerre in the Loire Valley. They eventually stopped at the little village of Chavignol and visited a cheese farm where the world-famous ‘Crottin de Chavignol’ goat’s cheese is made; their guide, who was the farmer’s wife, led them through a process of cheese making, explaining how goat’s milk was used.

Madame showed the group a picturesque hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced.  Madame then asked, turning to the group, ‘What do you do in the USA with your old goats that aren’t producing?’

One spry and very quick elderly gentleman answered, ‘They send us on bus tours.’

The Cats, The Monkey and The Cheese

In our story, two Siamese cats found a piece of cheese and cut it into two pieces.  Now, one piece was slightly bigger than the other. Being mini tigers, both cats wanted the bigger piece.

So they decided to approach a monkey and ask him to sort out the matter.

The monkey said, ‘Don’t worry. I’ll make both the pieces equal. Then it took a bite from the bigger piece. But this made the other piece larger. So it took a bite from the other piece. This continued till the pieces became very small.

Seeing this, the Siamese cats pleaded, ‘Sir. We are satisfied. Let us have the pieces of cheese now.’

The shrewd monkey replied, ‘This is my fee for sorting out the problem.’

Saying that he wolfed down all the remaining cheese.

Cheese Rolling Competition

In Cheltenham, Gloucestershire, each year they hold a cheese-rolling competition, in which contestants chase a cheese down a slope.

Amusing Cheesy Quotes

“A dinner which ends without cheese is like a beautiful woman with only one eye.” Jean-Anthelme Brillat-Savarin (French lawyer and politician, epicure and gastronome, 1755-1826)

“How can you govern a country which has 246 varieties of cheese?” Charles De Gaulle (French general and president, 1890-1970)

In 1546, author John Heywood wrote in “Proverbes” that “The moon is made of a green cheese.” But in 1546 Greene meant new, un-aged, not green in color.

In 1883, Scottish author Robert Louis Stevenson in the book “Treasure Island” when castaway Ben Gunn finally is found by young Jim Hawkins says, “You mightn’t happen to have a piece of cheese about you, now? No? Well, many’s the long night I’ve dreamed of cheese–toasted, mostly–and woke up again, and here I was.”

In the early 1900s, American comic actor W. C. Fields said, “The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with bated breath.”

5 Cheesy One-liners

1. What type of cheese is made backward?  Edam.
2. What’s the best cheese to use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.
3. What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory? All that was left was de brie.
4. Why did the cheese maniac go on a diet? To cheddar few pounds.
5. I’m quite knowledgeable about cheeses – you could call me a cheese whizz.

Trinidad Moruga Scorpion – The World’s Hottest Pepper

Experts at New Mexico’s State University’s Chile Pepper Institute have identified the Trinidad Moruga Scorpion as the hottest pepper on the planet.

Cheesy Facts

• Most cheese is produced from cow, sheep, or goat’s milk but it can and has been made from a plethora of milk-producing animals. A farm owned by Christer and Ulla Johansson, in Bjurholm, Sweden makes moose cheese. They keep three moose and produce only 300 kilograms of cheese per year. The moose cheese sells for roughly US$1000 per kilogram.  Incidentally, see the Year of the Goat.
• The United States is the top producer of cheese in the world, with Wisconsin and California leading the states in production.
• Greece and France are the leading cheese consumers averaging 27.3 and 24.0 kilograms per person in 2003 respectively.
• Limburger cheese is notorious for its strong and generally unpleasant odor. The bacteria (known as brevibacterium linens) causes this. It is also found on human skin and is partially responsible for body odor.
• Queen Victoria was given a wedding gift of a Cheddar cheese weighing half a ton!
• The size of holes in Gruyere and Emmental can be adjusted by controlling temperature, acidity, and curing time. In the US, these holes must be no more than 11/16th of an inch because cheese-slicing machines don’t work on larger holes!

One More Cheesy Joke

• Question: What do you get when you take a cheese from the moon and divide its circumference by its diameter?
• Answer: Moon pi.

Couch Potato Jokes

Will and Guy’s collection of funny, silly, and surprising jokes in honor of the humble potato.

Potato Sack exercise for improved strength and fitness:

Will has just come across this exercise, suggested for ‘seniors’, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders.  It seems so easy, so I thought I’d pass it on to some of my friends and family. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface where you have plenty of room on each side. With a 5lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.

Each day, you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10lb potato sacks.

Then 50lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

(As I write this I have to admit that I’m at this level)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

Job for a Potato?

Peter visits a watchmaker and asks if it’s possible to make a clock out of potatoes. Iain, the experienced watchmaker, replied it’s possible to make a clock out of just about anything, but he’d never made one out of potatoes before, and he’d have to do some research. Later that day Iain calls Peter, the customer, and tells him he can make one, but it will take about two weeks before it’s ready.

A fortnight later Peter calls back and lo and behold the clock is ready. Delighted with the result, he pays the watchmaker and starts to leave the shop, when the Iain says, ‘Errr, excuse me for asking, but this was a most unusual request; may I enquire why you want a clock made out of potatoes?’

‘Certainly,’ replies Peter, ‘Just before I saw you last, I went for a job interview and we discussed my skills and experience. The interview went pretty well and the man said I could have the job providing I could get a potato clock.’

Funny Potato Jokes

• How do you describe an angry potato? Boiling Mad.
• Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster?  Because he was a commentator.
• Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?  He desperately wanted a scoop.
• What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato?  Anything, just butter him up.
• What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful? It’s mashing!

Know Your Taters

Some people never seem motivated to participate but are just content to watch while others do the work. They are called ‘Spec Taters’.

Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with
the way others do the work.
They are called ‘Comment Taters’.

Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don’t want to soil their own hands. They are called ‘Dick Taters’.

Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet. They are called, not Silly Billies but ‘Aggie Taters’.

Some say they will help, but somehow just never get around to doing the promised help. They are called ‘Hezzie Taters’.

Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not. They are called ‘Immy Taters’.

Then some love others and do what they say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others. They are called ‘Sweet Po Taters’.

If you know any ‘Sweet Po Taters’, send this to them!! I just did

Our Resident Couch Potato

Subject: Living wills kindly sent in by Suzanne Brenzi

While I was watching the back-to-back football games the other night, my wife and I got into a silly conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills. During the conversation, I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.  She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all my beer.

Potato Festival

Small and pink, black and bumpy, even grey and shriveled — the potato took center stage on Tuesday as Bolivian peasants admired each other’s prize produce at an Andean harvest festival.

Hundreds of villagers dressed in the traditional ceremonial dress of bright red ponchos and shawls gathered in the highland village of Pillapi to show off 32 varieties of potatoes, swap tips, dance, and share a typical potato picnic.

Lino Condori, mayor of the Tiwanaku municipality where Pillapi is located, said ‘The potato that the conquerors took to Europe is the most important product in our region’.

He was referring to Spain, which colonized the Andean highlands in the 16th century and took one of their discoveries — potatoes — back to Europe.

Local authorities are hoping the festival will eventually become a tourist attraction.  Reported from PILLAPI, in Bolivia by Reuters.

Give Peas a Chance

A Cheltenham mum is to undergo therapy to help her overcome her fear of peas.  Louise Arnold flees restaurants if she spots peas on a plate and gets anxious if she sees them in a supermarket. Now Louise, 35, is to undergo therapy as part of an ITV show called Phobias in a bid to cure her irrational fear. She will see counselors, hypnotherapists, and acupuncturists to tackle the phobia that began after the birth of daughter Chloe, five.

She said: ‘I’ve got to stop this because I can’t bear to be in the same room as peas. There have been occasions where I’ve been out for a meal and asked the waiter for no peas and had to rush out of the restaurant when they forgot. I can’t even go to my local pub because they serve peas on the menu. I’d love to lead a normal life and be able to go into the pub and have a drink.’

But she gets little sympathy from her friends, who buy her a silly T-shirt saying: ‘Give peas a chance’.

Nicky Lidbetter of the National Phobic Society believes that Louise could be cured of her phobia.

Reported by Ananova online and the Victoria Derbyshire show on BBC Radio 5 Live.

Twelve Rules of Life

1. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
2. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
3. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
4. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
5. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
6. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques
7. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
8. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
9. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
10. Middle age is when the broadness of the mind and the narrowness of the waist change places.
11. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.
12. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

Leak Soup?

Checking the menu, Barry, a restaurant customer, ordered a bowl of soup. After a couple of spoonfuls, he saw a circle of wetness right under the bowl on the tablecloth. He called the waitress over and said, ‘It’s all wet down here. The bowl must be cracked.’

The waitress said, ‘You ordered vegetable soup, didn’t you?’

‘Yes,’ Barry replied grimacing

‘Well, maybe it has a leek in it!’, interjected the waitress.

Fun Chocolate Facts – Interesting Pictures

It’s not that chocolates are a substitute for love. Love is a substitute for chocolate. Chocolate is, let’s face it, far more reliable than a man. – Miranda Ingram

Interesting Chocolate Facts

1. Chocolate melts at 34 degrees centigrade, which is just below the temperature of the mouth.
2. Chocolate syrup was used for blood in the famous 45-second shower scene in Alfred Hitchcock’s movie, “Psycho” which took 7 days to shoot.
3. Champagne and sparkling wines do not pair well with milk or dark chocolate because of their acidity, which reacts with chocolate, causing a tart taste to occur. Instead, Will and Guy suggest white chocolate with champagne and dark chocolate with red wines.
4. Although chocolate is not an aphrodisiac, as the ancient Aztecs believed, chocolate contains phenylethylamine (PEA), a natural substance that is reputed to stimulate the same reaction in the body as falling in love. Hence, heartbreak and loneliness are great excuses for chocolate overindulgence.
5. Christopher Columbus is said to have brought chocolate back to Europe after he visited South America in about 1504 but it only reached Britain in the 17th century. At the time it was made into a drink; but only for the wealthy, because of high import duties.
6. In 1579, English pirates raided a Spanish ship. Upon finding its cargo of precious cocoa beans they burned the whole ship–they mistook the beans for sheep dung.
7. Steric acid, a fat found in chocolate, does not raise cholesterol levels, even though it is a saturated fat.
8. Chocolate has always been included on all American and Russian space flights.
9. American chocolate manufacturers use around 1.5 billion pounds of milk.
10. In 2009, Americans consumed over 3.4 billion pounds of chocolate.

Fun Chocolate Beetle

About 200 kg of melted chocolate was spread over the VW Beetle after it was first wrapped in cling film.  Seven people worked overnight to make sure the chocolate car was ready to go on display on the morning of Valentine’s Day. According to China News Network, the car attracted many viewers and lovers to the dealer in Qingdao city.

Fun Chocolate Facts

1. The botanical name of the chocolate plant is “Theobroma Cacao”, which means “food of the Gods”
2. The word ‘Chocolate’ comes from the Aztec word “xocolatl”, which means “bitter water”.
3. Some health experts say the purer the chocolate, the better it is for you. Chocolate with a cocoa content of more than 50% is high in magnesium and contains calcium, potassium, sodium, and iron. It also has vitamins A1, B1, B2, C, D and E.
4. British people are second only to the Swiss when it comes to chocolate consumption. The average Briton eats 8.6kg of chocolate per year.
5. Queen Victoria sent specially molded chocolate bars to British soldiers fighting in the Boer War, in South Africa, as a New Year’s greeting.
6. Great chocolate manufacturers choose their beans in the same way as a winemaker chooses his or her grape varieties.
7. Chocolate stimulates the same reaction in the body as falling in love with a natural substance that is in chocolate by the name of phenylethylamine
8. In Japan, there is a Valentine’s Day tradition called”, “obligation chocolate”, which requires that women give inexpensive chocolate to all of the men in their lives.
9. Chocolate is poisonous to dogs, cats, and other domestic pets. The ingredient theobromine overstimulates their cardiac and nervous systems and can cause death.
10. Men crave food that is high in fat and salt while women crave chocolate.

Will Commissions Research Into Chocolate

Chocolate set the heart pounding, with heart rates for some of the 12 volunteers rising from a resting rate of about 62 beats per minute to as
high as 145.

Eating chocolate is more stimulating to the heart and the head than kissing, according to new research conducted in 2010.

The study found that at the point the chocolate melted in the mouth, all regions of the brain received a boost far more intense and longer lasting than the mental excitement from kissing.

Dr David Lewis, a psychologist formerly of the University of Sussex who led the study, said, ‘These results surprised and intrigued us.’

Dr Lewis, who now runs a private research company called The Mind Lab, added, ‘There is no doubt that chocolate beats kissing hands down when it comes to providing a long-lasting body and brain buzz.’

More Fun “Chocolate” Thoughts from Will and Guy

Reasons Why a Chocolate is Better Than a Man

• No one’s ever been jilted by a chocolate gateau.
• After telling your chocolate bar all your worries you can simply eat it.
• You can share chocolates with your best friend.
• A bar of chocolate doesn’t bore you by constantly talking about football.
• Your mother will never disapprove of your choice of chocolate.

Reasons Why Chocolate is Better Than a Woman

• Chocolate never keeps you waiting.
• Chocolate doesn’t get jealous when you look at another chocolate bar.
• You never have to buy a box of chocolates for a box of chocolates.
• Chocolate doesn’t talk incessantly while you’re watching the football.
• It doesn’t expect you to remember the anniversary of the first time you met.
• Chocolate never tries to chat up your best friend.
• Chocolate isn’t looking for a long-term commitment.

Chocolate – On Parade

• First soldier: ‘Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?’
• Second soldier: ‘Certainly not.’
• First soldier: ‘Why not?’
• Second soldier: ‘Because it’s against regulations to help another soldier to dessert.’

Will’s Rules For Eating Chocolates

1. Put ‘eat chocolate’ at the top of your list of things to do.  That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.
2. The problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate from the store to your home in a hot car. The solution: Eat the chocolate in the parking lot.
3. When you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.
4. Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices, and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
5. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite, and you’ll eat less.
6. If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.  But hey, if you can’t eat all your chocolate, what’s wrong with you?
7. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet?  Don’t they counteract each other?
8. Money talks. Chocolate sings -beautifully.
9. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.
10. A good box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn’t that handy?

Chocolate

MMMMmmmmmm, I love chocolate.
white chocolate,
milk chocolate,
dark chocolate,
bittersweet almond joy chocolate,
all kinds of chocolate.

Hershey’s kiss under an arbor,
an Oreo cookie on the divan,
a Godiva martini on the lake,
a bittersweet chocolate sliver in my cake,
I love chocolate.

smooth chocolate,
rich chocolate,
fragrant chocolate,
touched by vanilla chocolate,
velvet on my tongue chocolate,
Mm,
I love chocolate.

Thanks to Desiré Hendricks

Funny Biscuit Jokes

We realize that in the USA they would call a biscuit a cookie.

Biscuit Tin Fight

Did you hear about the fight in the biscuit tin?

The bandit hit the penguin over the head with a club, tied him to a wagon wheel with a blue ribbon, and made his breakaway in a taxi!

The names of chocolate biscuit bars that are available in the United Kingdom, and perhaps, elsewhere.

Takes the Biscuit?

What did the pig say to the gerbil?

I’ve got my scientist so well trained that every time I press the buzzer, she brings me a biscuit.

Crumb-down

A Town Hall ‘crumb-down’ has been ordered because thieving visitors keep stealing the councilors’ biscuits. Bosses at Canterbury City Council, Kent, UK, are fighting back by telling staff to hide the tea trolley during meetings to stop people purloining the biccies.

An unnamed council source said, ‘People coming to sit in on the meetings see the trolley and just help themselves. They think it is something that the council lays on for free, but the biscuits are for the councilors not members of the public.’

Footnote:   Interesting how we always believe an ‘Unnamed source’, but always distrust the ‘Official Spokesman’.

Keep Taking the Biscuits?

Chris visited his psychiatrist in Harley Street, London England, and told him that he thought he was turning into a packet of biscuits*.

‘What sort of biscuits?’ asked the psychiatrist. ‘Square ones,’ answered Chris.

‘With little holes in them?’ the psychiatrist enquired. That’s right, Doc,’ responded Chris with relief, ‘That’s it exactly.’

‘You’re crackers!’ announced the psychiatrist.

* If Chris had gone to a psychiatrist in Manhattan, he would have called biscuits, cookies.

Fancy a Nosebag?

‘Some biscuit bar manufacturer hit upon the simple notion of emptying the leavings of carthorse nose bags, adding a few other things like unconsumed portions of chicken layer’s mash, and the sweepings of racing stables, packaging the mixture into little bars and selling them in health food shops.’

Thanks to Frank Muir, the late British comedian and broadcaster for this biscuit joke

Funny Cake

Who are these people we ask?

Here, the customer requested that the word, ‘congratulations’ be written. You will observe that the cake maker has written it twice since the one word they asked for was a plural.

A splendidly funny example of a pirate cake.

Funny Story – Takes the Biscuit!

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed.  While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle biscuits wafting up the stairs.

Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Where if not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled biscuits.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, and the wondrous taste of the biscuit was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife….. ‘Back off!’ she said, ‘they’re for the funeral.’

Funny Cake Toppers And Amusing Stories

Attention to detail is one of the vital life skills.  Nowhere is this more important than in cake decoration.  A small mistake and you can ‘blow’ your profits.  A big mistake with one squirt of the icing cones and you can wreck your reputation as a cake topper.

Funny Cake Pictures

Will and Guy have established that most of these cakes were made by professionals who had been asked to write specific messages on them. We are most grateful to Hannah Baker for drawing our attention to the funny cake toppers, thus enabling this page to be written.

Funny Cake – Underneath

This cake order was for poor Suzanne who was leaving the business. The person who ordered the cake told them to write: “Best
Wishes Suzanne” and underneath that, write “We will miss you”. They couldn’t even spell ‘underneath’ correctly!

Above is the cake that was delivered – amazing, even hilarious. On reflection, Will and Guy think it’s rather sad.

Triplets?

The woman involved here was expecting triplets. So the order was for “congratulations” to be written on it three times. This was the result.

Congratulation

Who are these people we ask?

Here, the customer required the word, ‘congratulations’ to be written. You will observe that the cake maker has written it twice since the word requested was a plural.

We have nothing to add.

More Amusing Cake Toppers

Having received these amusing cakes, Will and Guy decided to research further the idea of cakes as a humorous item.

The Bride Was a Picture

Chidi Ogbuta, 35, from Texas, had a 5ft cake made into a life-sized model of herself to renew her vows after 10 years of marriage to her husband Innocent.

The $5,000 cake took weeks to make and required 2 gallons of amaretto, 50 lbs of sugar, 200 eggs and weighed a whopping 400lb.  It needed four men to lift it into the wedding venue.

Here are several examples of funny cake toppers

• A very funny wedding cake figurine topper.
• A version of a ‘shotgun’ wedding cake topper (See below right).

Three Wedding Jokes NOT found on Cakes

1. I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. (Rita Rudner)
2. At the wedding reception, one woman said to another, ‘Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?’ The other replied, ‘Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.’
3. The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

A cake for a sporting person – Serve with odor eaters?

Prince Charles 60th Birthday Cake – Zany Bus Pass Topper

Cake for a Fast Food Lover

Has to be a NY Mets fan

Thank you to Robyn for identifying the hat on this cake topper.

A fine example of A lager cake

This is a particularly good example of the cake topper’s art.  We sure thought this was a photograph of a bottle top.

Who Ate All The Pies?

1. Funny Wedding Cake Amuses Guests

Newlyweds Emma and John Kent tucked into a four-tier pork pie wedding cake after trotting down the aisle. Mr Kent, 42, of Lincoln, laughed, ‘I had no idea it had been made but it was fantastic.’

The 10kg pie cost £150 [$226 ] which is some £500 [$753] less than a traditional wedding cake; it also took almost eight hours to construct.

2. Simon Says, ‘My Cake Is Bigger Than Yours’

Simon, the pie man from Fladbury, Worcestershire, England, may have just completed the world’s first five-tier pork pie as a unique variation on the traditional wedding cake.

Mr. Simon Taylor, the owner of Fladbury Pies and Sausages, was commissioned to make the replica cake in the classic recipe of his famous for making pies for a weddings.

The award-winning pie-maker has made big pork pies before, and while other couples have had similar pork pie wedding cakes, this is possibly the world’s first five-tier example. Will and Guy can reveal, ‘We are famous for our pork pies. We have won awards for them and people come from miles to try them. It’s just a bit of fun. We have made big pork pies but have never been asked to make a tiered pork pie before. It was made to the same recipe as our smaller pies, but still looked like a wedding cake.’

The cake, or pie was made at the request of Russell Powell, from Peopleton, who married long-time partner Belinda Jane Twine.

A Funny Cake Story

Mrs Sara Bryce decided to bake a cake for the Presbyterian Church Ladies’ Group which was holding a homemade cake sale in Madison, Wisconsin, but she had forgotten to do it until the very last minute.

Sara remembered it on the morning of the sale and after rummaging through her kitchen cabinets, she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing, and helping her son Clint get ready to go to Scout camp.

When Sara took the cake out of the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was misshapen. Sara thought, ‘Oh no, there’s no time to bake another cake.’  This particular cake was so important to Sara because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends having only moved to Madison two months earlier.

A creative body, Sara searched her home for something that would build up the center of the cake. Eureka. She found it in the bathroom: a roll of toilet paper!  She pushed it quickly into the cake and then covered it beautifully with white icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!

Before leaving home to take the cake to the church bazaar and then travel to work, Sara woke her daughter, Louise, and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the sale the minute it opened at 9:30 am.  She was to buy that cake and bring it straight home. However, when Louise arrived at the sale, she found, to her horror, that the attractive “perfect cake” had already been sold. Louise seized her mobile phone and called her mother.

Sara, was horrified; she was beside herself, everyone would know, what would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about behind her back, and worse – ridiculed.

That night Sara lay awake thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her.  So the very next day, Sara promised herself
that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attend the fancy luncheon at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good
time.

She did not want to attend because the hostess was a snob who, more than once, had looked down her nose at the fact that Sara was a single parent and not from the founding families of Madison, but having already agreed to go she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was the upper crust, ‘classy’ as they say in Britain; and to Sara’s horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert.

She felt the blood drain from her face when she saw the, now decorated, cake. She started off her chair to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor’s wife said, ‘What a beautiful cake.’

Sara, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess [who was a prominent church member] murmur, ‘Thank you, do you know, I baked it myself.’

Sara smiled broadly and thought to herself, ‘God is good.’

Wedding Cake Surprise: A True Funny Story

A newlywed couple has been awarded £310 [$500] compensation after finding their wedding cake was made of polystyrene.

Bride, Aimee West bought the three-tier sponge cake decorated with white and dark chocolate icing and flowers for their reception near Llanelli, Wales.  But just before she and her new husband, Tony cut through a layer of chocolate-white polystyrene was found underneath.

Creative Cakes, which said there had been a mix-up, was told to compensate the couple by a small claims court.

Pi Pie!

Picasso Cake

Picasso’s abstract painting style makes for a striking centerpiece, beautifully illustrated by this three-layer cake inspired by “Woman with Wristwatch”. This cake is beautifully hand-painted by Chocolaz Artisan Cakes.

Photo via Chocolaz Artisan Cakes

Yet Another True, Strange, and Funny Cake Story

An elderly man has been hurt fighting over the last piece of cake at an ‘all-you-can-eat buffet’ held in a restaurant in Novate Milanese, Milan, Italy.

Niccolo Bruno, the victim, seized the cake, and another pensioner, Alfredo Mancini, who was attempting to grab the same piece of cake, stabbed Bruno in the hand with a knife while they were at the food counter.

The guilty man then tried to flee out of the restaurant but was arrested by the police. Bruno was hospitalised after the incident but Will and Guy
have been able to find out that he is now quite well.

Funny Chili Taster Story in Texas

Inexperienced Chili* Taster visits Texas

Notes from an Inexperienced Chili Tester called Dan, who was visiting Mexico from Texas. This is how Dan reported his experience:

‘Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. The other two judges (Native Mexicans) assured me that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.’

Here are the scorecards for the eight Chili’s that were submitted for judging by Jose, Carlos, Fred, Bubba, Linda, Vera, Ana, and Lester.

Chili # 1 Mike’s Mild Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

DAN: Crikey, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Mexicans are crazy.  The chili taster story continues …

Chili # 2 Carlos’s Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

DAN: Keep this out of the reach of children I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.  The chili taster story continues …

Chili # 3 Fred’s Famous Burn Down The Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

DAN: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. Wey the beer is good stuff.  The chili taster story continues…

Chili # 4 Bubba’s Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

DAN: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. lady was starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I was eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?   The chili taster story continues …

Chili # 5 Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers are freshly ground, adding a considerable kick. Very Impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

DAN: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off.  It cheeses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Crazy rednecks!

Chili # 6 Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

DAN: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that girl Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my mouth with a snow cone!   The chili taster story continues …

Chili # 7 Ana’s Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

DAN: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing; it’s too painful. Stuff it. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.  The story continues but without the chili taster.

Chili # 8 Lester’s Last Of The Red-Hot Lover’s Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend of chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot chili?

Comment: In Southwest Texas, we have two chili cook-offs a year and raise money for schools, fire departments, and others.  Dan’s chili sounds about right.  But not to worry; your taste buds grow back in about 3 months!  [Leigh Eaton]

Experts Identify Trinidad Moruga Scorpion as the World’s Hottest Pepper

Experts at New Mexico’s State University’s Chile Pepper Institute have identified the Trinidad Moruga Scorpion as the hottest pepper on the planet.

Footnote: The inexperienced chili taster is one of our favorite stories. *Chili: Throughout my life, I have had trouble with spelling in general, and
double letters in particular.  The spell checker is my salvation. Even so, there is variation when applying the double letter rule in England
compared with America, for example, Chilli, Travelled, and Modelling.

Funny Chocolate test – Maths

Test Your Age Using Chocolate Maths

This test math test won’t take long.

Start the Chocolate Test

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate.  More than once but less than 10 times.

2. Multiply this number by 2.

3. Add 5.

4. Multiply it by 50 — I’ll wait while you get the calculator (Click Start button, run, calc.)

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1765 …. If you haven’t had a birthday, add 1764.

6. Now subtract the four-digit year that you were born.

You should have a three-digit number.

The first digit of this was your original number.  This is the number of times you want to have chocolate each week).

The next two numbers are YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

Important Footnote

The above test is designed specifically for the year = 2015.  However, once you understand the principle, then you can amend it for 2016 and other years:

2015 use: 1765 and 1764
2016 use: 1766 and 1765
2017 use: 1767 and 1766

For example when you choose 2 Chocolates

1. Chocolates a day = 2
2. 2 x 2 = 4
3. 4 + 5 = 9
4. 9 x 50 = 450
5. 450 + 1765 = 2215
6. 2215 – yyyy where yyyy = Year you were born.
7. 2214
8. – 1949 = 265 (No birthday this year yet)
9. 66 (in 266) = Two Chocolate a day choice, age 66
10. 65 (in 265) = Age if born in 1949.  (and no birthday yet in 2015!)

Why does it work?

Part a) The number of chocolates per day

Multiplying by 2 and later multiplying by 50 means multiplying by a total of 100.  When the smoke clears:

1 x 100 = 100  (one choc)

2 x 100 = 200  so the first digit will tell the number of chocolates per day that you chose.

Part b) The clever part comes from the relationship between 1765 and 2015, this is exactly 250.  Do you remember adding 5? Well look back and see that 5 x 50 = 250.  Another way of looking at the figures is: 1765 + (5 x 50) = 2015

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Will and Guy’s humor – Here is another test:

What Makes 100%?

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% of life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

AND, look how far obsequious will take you. O-B-S-E-Q-U-I-O-U-S 15+2+19+5+17+21+9+15+21+19 = 143%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s
obsequiousness that will put you over the top.

You may have gathered that this joke has been censored, it’s what I call the Aunty effect.  For the unexpurgated version see here.

Footnote: I have to say that the whole principle of assigning letters and therefore words a number, is ripe for modification.  Have fun making up your own words and giving them value.

Funny Cooking Jokes

Here is our cookery section.  Preparing food is a rich source of funny outcomes because there are many possibilities for humorous slips between cup and lip.

Chef’s Special

Nigel: The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.
Sally: Which is this?

How to Cook – or Not

Michael has no talent for cooking.  He has trouble with such simple tasks as peeling potatoes or slicing onions, even though he often insists on helping his wife in the kitchen.  Once he read a shopping list on which Greta had written, ‘unhusked rice.’  Good lord, ‘he sighed, ‘what a job that’s going to be’.

How Bachelors Cook – or Not

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. ‘I got a cookbook once’, said the first, ‘but I
could never do anything with it.’

‘Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?’ asked the second. ‘You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way – ‘Take a clean dish and…’

Footnote: Have you noticed with jokes, how one story reminds you of another?  This effect is even more noticeable if you tell jokes in pubs.  Well, the above joke reminded Will of the following true story.  Names have been changed to protect the guilty.

House-Husband Cooking?

Nigel retired before Sally, and as a result, he would do more of the chores. For example, on Friday he would dust and vacuum the house. On two other days, he would prepare and cook the evening meal.

Now Nigel’s forté was certainly not cooking. One recipe asked for ‘seasoned flour’ to be added. Nigel searched the kitchen cupboards and found the plain flour and the self-raising flour.  In the end, he had to ring Sally at her work to ask where she kept the ‘seasoned flour’.

Cilantro (Coriander) – or Cement!

Another Funny Cooking Story

Jonathan Arthur’s Kitchen Nightmare:

At the age of eleven, that’s many years ago, I was enrolled in Callington Grammar school, in darkest Cornwall. I have to say it was a perfectly fine school with dedicated if somewhat eccentric teachers and a generally enlightened outlook.

It did however stick to many of the traditions of the day. Sports and metalwork teachers tended to have a military background and short manly nicknames that they fondly thought the pupils wished to call them. Skip, Gunner, and Pip are three that come to mind. They also included in their lessons a ritual humiliation and jovial sadism that was no doubt supposed to be good for our character but was something I could never see much fun in. The result was that I, which was a first for a male student, opted to take lessons in domestic science rather than metalwork or woodwork.

Domestic science had nothing scientific about it but the class was all girls, apart from my friend Cobb and I, which was just fine by me.

Our first lesson was hardly challenging. The menu was beans on toast and cocoa. Each pair of aspirant cooks had a work surface, sink, and gas stove. After successfully getting the beans out of the can and into a pan, the milk into another pan, and the already sliced bread under the grill I couldn’t help thinking this was all just too easy, and in the same way that the first officer on the Titanic might have nonchalantly called for some ice, I asked Cobb to look for some plates for our meal.

As he crouched down to look in the cupboards next to the stove several things started to happen in quick succession. First, realizing that the beans were, to put it mildly, overcooked, I tried to scrape them off the bottom of the pan, not noticing that the milk was on the point of boiling over and that the already smoking toast had burst into flames.

Luckily, or perhaps not, our teacher had spotted the situation and strode purposely over to take control of the situation. What she could not have realized was that one of us (we both later blamed the other) had managed to switch on the gas oven without lighting it. The pressure of the gas slightly pushes open the oven door.

It might have been the lit rings on the top or a piece of falling incandescent toast but the oven chose that moment to explode setting light to Miss Pendragon’s light blue and white checkhouse coat, which went up in a sheet of flame leaving molten plastic stuck to her clothes, arms and legs. The force of the blast also knocked the cupboard off hitting Cobb’s head momentarily stunning him so he was in no condition to avoid the boiling milk that now jumped off the stove.  It did spring him back into consciousness quite quickly though!

With what I still believe to be a great presence of mind I doused both thoroughly with a bucket of water that had previously been used for cleaning the floor but I am saddened to say was never thanked by either of them.

Jonathan Arthur ~ chef and cooking vacation organizer www.italywithrelish.it

Bring Me The Winner

Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.

I’m sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.

Well then bring me the winner.

Mother Knows Best – Eventually

One day, a young Sarah girl was watching her mother make a roast sirloin of beef. She cut off the ends, wrapped it in string, seasoned it, and set it in the roasting dish.

Sarah politely asked her mum why she cut off the ends of the roast. Mum replied, after some thought, that it was the way that her mother had done it.

That night Grandma came to dinner and Sarah and her mother asked why she had cut the end off of the roast before cooking.  After some thought Grandma replied, that she cooked the meat the way her mother had done it.

Now great-grandma was quite old and lived in a residential nursing home, so Sarah, her mum, and grandma went to visit her and again asked the very same question.

Great-grandma looked at them a bit surprised and said, ‘So it would fit in the roasting dish, of course.’

Microwave – As Recommended by ‘Dr Who’

So clever it can stop time. Guy thinks this is so that you can go back and add more spices.

A Humorous and Appealing Food Story

The Poor Man and Truffles Restaurant

Old Samuel was a very poor tailor whose shop, in Redbridge, Essex, England, was next door to a very upmarket French restaurant – Truffles.

Every day at lunchtime, Samuel would go out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the Truffles’ kitchen.

One day, Samuel was surprised to receive an invoice from Jean-Luc, the restaurateur for “enjoyment of food.” So he went immediately to speak to
Jean-Luc pointed out that he had not bought anything from them. Jean-Luc smiled and said, ‘You’re enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it.’

Naturally, Samuel refused to pay and the restaurant owner sued him.

At the hearing, the Judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. Jean-Luc stood up and purred, ‘Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen at the rear of Truffles; he smells our food while eating his, it is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it.’

The Judge turned to Samuel and said, ‘What do you have to say to that?’

Samuel didn’t say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.

The Judge asked him, ‘What is the meaning of that?’

Samuel replied, ‘Well it’s simple really, I’m paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money.’

Will and Guy’s Top Ten Best Food Trivia

1. Lemons contain more sugar than strawberries
2. The onion is named after a Latin word meaning large pearl
3. Potato crisps were invented by a North American Indian called George Crum
4. During a lifetime the average person eats about 35 tonnes of food
5. Within 2 hours of standing in daylight, milk loses between half and two-thirds of its vitamin B content
6. There are about 100,000 bacteria in one liter of drinking water
7. Bakers used to be fined if their loaves were underweight, so they used to add an extra loaf to every dozen, just in case — hence, the expression “baker’s dozen
8. In France, people eat approximately 500,000,000 snails per year
9. It has been traditional to serve fish with a slice of lemon since olden times when people believed that the fruit’s juice would dissolve any bones accidentally swallowed
10. The first breakfast cereal ever produced was Shredded Wheat

Further Interesting and Humorous USA Food Fun

Did You Know?

• Reindeer like to eat bananas.
• Maine is the toothpick capital of the world. How do they know that?
• Every year, kids in North America spend close to half a billion dollars on chewing gum.
• Americans eat about 18 billion hot dogs a year.
• The oldest piece of chewing gum is 9000 years old.
• The man who played the voice of Bugs Bunny was allergic to carrots.
• Apples are more effective at keeping people awake in the morning than caffeine.
• Every time you lick a stamp you gain 1/10 of a calorie.
• Yams have 10 times more vitamin C than sweet potatoes.

Cooking the Books?

Lyn belongs to our Diet Club and she was lamenting that she had gained weight.

She told us that she had made her family’s favourite luscious cake over the weekend, and added that they’d eaten half of it at dinner that
evening.

The next day, Lyn continued, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake had vanished.

She went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be so disappointed. Everyone commiserated until someone asked what her husband said when he found out.

Lyn smiled broadly and quipped, ‘He never found out.  I made another cake and ate half of that too.’

The Doubly Strange Saga of the Chanterelle Lemon Soufflé

According to Reuters, Canada’s Ottawa Citizen newspaper the Autumn of 2006 printed a recipe for Chanterelle Lemon Pasta in its food section. Ingredients included one cup of Chanterelle mushrooms. They even provided a helpful photograph so amateur mushroom hunters could find their own growing in the wild. Unfortunately, the photograph instead showed Destroying Angels mushrooms, which are deadly when eaten.

Why is this a doubly story strange?  Well, the Chanterelle Lemon Soufflé saga has all the makings of an urban myth.  Will and Guy could not find the alleged original article either on Reuter’s site or among the Ottawa Citizens articles.  We have culled the pictures below from elsewhere, simply to illustrate the two species of the fungi in question.

.

Meanwhile, while we await Canadian readers to write in with the inside story, we wish to emphasize that Destroying Angel, Amanita Virosa, and the closely related Amanita Phalloides are deadly poisonous. The main difference from the ordinary mushroom is that these Avenging Angel caps are pure white, or occasionally have a green aura.  The gills under the Destroying Angel cap are also white and are never the usual salmon-pink color.

Funny Diet Tips

Never tell anyone that you’re, going on a diet, exercising, or quitting smoking.  They’ll encourage you to death.  Lynn Johnston

• Dieting is a Weigh of Life
• Funny Diet Scales
• Diet Products that can be bought in Japan
• Hot Diet News and Tips
• Funny Diet Jokes
• Floor Collapses During Weight Watchers’ Weigh-in
• Funny Diet Diary

Dieting is a Weigh of Life

• It’s not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it’s the seconds.
• The biggest drawback to fasting for seven days is that it makes one weak.
• The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat.  It’s watching what other people eat.
• An excellent way to lose weight is by skipping … snacks and desserts.

Funny Diet Scales

The ‘Onion Scales’ – Step on it and it makes you cry

Hard to believe, I know, but these products can be bought in Japan

Diet Water Bag

Diet Ion Water Stick

Mineral Water Bag

So Hungry I Could Eat the Plate

Chen Liang-erh, 50, an amateur inventor living in Taipei, Taiwan has perfected an edible plate. It is made from wheat grain, and he plans to mass-produce it with other edible crockery including cups, bowls, and food containers.

Will and Guy are aware that he argues that hungry diners, tempted to lick a plate after a delicious meal, can now go a step further and demolish the whole lot. Sadly, we have learned, that the plates have the taste of unsalted popcorn – not exactly an exciting culinary delight.

In his favor, Chen says the crockery can be boiled and will provide a nutritious meal for your pet. Lovely.

Hot Diet Tips and News and…

• Did you hear about the gourmet who avoids unfashionable restaurants because he doesn’t want to gain weight in the wrong places?
• Is it true that several jokes about dieting can be referred to as ‘a binge of jokes’?
• A funny thing with a diet, the second day of a diet is always easier than the first.  By the second day, you’re off it. Jackie Gleason
• Do you call a person who has abandoned their diet a deserter?
• Never go back for seconds… get it all the first time.
• A great way to lose weight is to eat while you are naked and standing in front of a mirror.  Restaurants will always throw you out before you can eat too much.

Funny Diet Rationale from George Bernard Shaw

No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you can do is
run for public office.

The Government has Issued New Guidelines for a Healthy Diet

They advise you to:

1. List your ten favorite foods.
2. List your five favorite drinks.
3. List all green vegetables that look like marsh grass, fur balls, or little trees.
4. List water.
5. Avoid 1 & 2; eat only 3; drink only 4.

Weight Loss – Pie Kitchen

Will says: The LA Weight Loss is doomed to fail. Guy says: The Pie Kitchen’s bound to succeed.

Funny Diet Jokes

Eating Properly is Essential in a Good Diet

Terry rushes into Doctor Sims’s surgery. He has a parsnip up one nostril, a courgette in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear.

‘Doctor, Doctor,’ Terry wails, ‘I’ve got dreadfully sore ears and can hardly breathe!  What’s wrong with me?’

Doctor Sims looks at him for a few moments, shakes her head sorrowfully, and answers, ‘Terry, you’re not eating properly.’

Mark Twain

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

A Generous Diet

Needing to shed a few pounds, Robert, and his wife Jennifer, went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. They followed the instructions extremely closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for their portions. Robert and Jennifer felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful; they had never felt better, nor did they ever feel hungry.

As time progressed, Robert and Jennifer realized that they were putting on weight and not losing it. They decided that they ought to check the details of the recipes just one more time. It was then that they found their error.

There, in small print, Robert and Jennifer saw, to their horror: ‘Serves 6’.

Funny Diet – One-liners

• ‘I’m in shape.’ says Will. ‘Round is a shape.’
• The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
• What runs but never gets tired?  Water.

Notice for Dieters

Weight Watchers will meet at 7.30 PM at the Presbyterian Church. Please use a large double door at the side entrance.

Funny Slant on Eating Fruit and Vegetables

Food of the Famous

After listening to some bedtime stories, Alex, a little boy, said to his father, ‘Snow White was poisoned by an apple, Jack found a giant on a beanstalk, and just look what happened to Alice when she ate the mushroom. And you wonder why I won’t eat fruit and vegetables.’

Funny Diet

‘My tummy is so big I’m embarrassed by it,’ commented Will.

‘Have you tried to diet?’

‘Yes, but whatever color I use, it still sticks out.’

Top Ten Best, Funny, Droll, and Humorous Diet Tips from Will and Guy

1. Don’t take Will and Guy’s humorous diet tips too seriously, they’re just for fun. Success comes when you can look beyond food and look down and see your feet.
2. Always stand sideways for photographs, it’s slimming.
3. Always stand next to a person fatter than you whenever possible.
4. Always eat in private, if people never see you eat, they’ll believe you when you say you have a thyroid problem.
5. Convince your friends into thinking how good you’re looking; study and memorize your most flattering pose in a mirror and ensure when
   anyone sees you, you strike the pose. The problem is that you have to maintain the pose until they leave.
6. Ladies: Cross your legs at your ankles. Your thighs and calves will look slimmer.
7. Get a tan. A tan helps you look thinner.
8. Regular daily laughs equals at least 10 minutes of exercise……………………….
9. Inside Guy lives a skinny man trying to get out. But he can usually shut him up with chocolate chip cookies.
10. Never trust a dog to watch your food.

Hilarious, Silly and Funny Diet Advice

• A chocolate mousse that you did not order has no calories. Therefore, have your companion order dessert and you taste half of it.
• Chocolate chips are fattening, about 50 calories a tablespoon. However, chocolate chips eaten while making chocolate chip cookies have
  no calories whatsoever. Therefore make chocolate chip cookies often but don’t eat them.
• All food eaten while standing has no calories. Exactly why is not clear, but the current theory relates to gravity. The calories bypass the stomach flowing directly down the legs and through the soles of the feet into the floor, like electricity. Walking seems to accelerate this process so that a frozen custard or hot dog eaten at a fayre has a calorie deficit.
• Anything produced, purchased, or intended for minors is calorie-free when eaten by adults. This category covers a wide range, beginning with a spoonful of baby tapioca, consumed for demonstration purposes, up to and including *biscuits baked and sent to college.
• Pies and cakes should be cut neatly, in even wedges or slices. If not, the responsibility falls on the person putting them away to “straighten up the edges” by slicing away the offending irregularities, which have no calories when eaten.
• Anything eaten in front of the TV has no calories. This may have something to do with radiation leakage, which negates not only the calories.
• If you have a drink in your right hand, anything eaten with the other hand has no calories. Several principles are at work here. First of all, you’re probably standing up at a cocktail party (see “Food on Foot”). Then there’s the electronic field: a wet glass in one hand forms a negative charge to reverse the polarity of the calories attracted to the other hand. I’m not exactly sure how it works, but it’s reversible if you’re left-handed
• All cakes are horrendously fattening. However, the calories can be eliminated simply by inscribing “Happy Birthday, Bob” or “Good Luck, Pauline” in colored icing. Not only is it unnecessary to decline, it’s impolite.
• Sausages, cheese, and the like are all fattening unless impaled on frilled toothpicks. The insertion of a sharp object allows the calories to leak out the bottom.
• If you are rushed through a meal, the entire meal doesn’t count. Conversely, if you have ordered something fattening and now regret it, you can minimize its calories by gulping it down.
• Anything somebody made ‘just for you’ must be eaten regardless of the calories because to do otherwise would be uncaring and insensitive.

Funny Diet Stories

Floor Collapses During Weight Watchers’ Weigh-in

Just after Christmas 2009 19 members of Weight Watchers in Växjö, Sweden lined up for their weigh-in when they heard a bang as the floor came away from the walls of their meeting room.

“We suddenly heard a huge thud – we almost thought it was an earthquake and everything flew up in the air. The floor collapsed in one corner of the room and along the walls” one of those present told the Sm√•landsposten newspaper.

As the Weight Watchers abandoned the room other parts of the floor started to give way.  Undaunted as no one was injured, the club member continued their weigh-in in the hallway.

Even Animals End Up on a Diet

Chubby and overweight animals in a South Korean zoo will be put on a diet after almost ten years of eating processed foods. Animals at the Seoul Grand Park Zoo have been eating more than the normal amount of food intake per day so the animal management has decided to increase the amount of their natural food intake and decrease the processed foods.

Park Seon-Deok, a member of the animal management team said, ‘Feeding the animals according to the 1998 guidelines made the animals overweight.  Horses, for example, like processed food better than grass, which is what they would be eating in the wild.’

Funny Eating Habits

We all have strange obsessions, but this habit is gut-churning.

Eat Dirt – Strange But True

Chinese Girl Eats Dirt

The 18-year-old from Inner Mongolia was taken to Beijing by her parents, who wanted to know why she finds dirt appetizing.

She told Chinese television that she started the habit when she was just 7 years old when she consumed dirt attached to the grassroots.

Yellow mud is her favorite. Her eating habits have caused problems for the family’s next-door neighbor, who has a mud roof. Chinese television reported that the woman couldn’t help herself and kept eating his roof.

More Funny Eating Habits from China

Eccentric Chinaman

Li Sanju claims to have survived eating nothing but leaves and grass for two years. The Chinaman from Niuwei village, Guangdong province, says he is perfectly happy with his unusual diet. He informed Will and Guy that he looks no different to other people in his village – but admits he does smell strongly of grass. ‘I watched a TV program which said a man can live more than 10 days without food but just water, so I thought I would try living on the natural things near my home,’ he said.

At first, he tried eating grass in a field like cattle – but it tasted bitter and made him ill, we have found, ‘I suspect that the field grass has been polluted by pesticides, so I changed to the plants in the mountain behind my house, and I never had any problem,’ he added. ‘I used to be known
as a sick man in the village, always in hospital, but since I changed my diet, I’ve never been to see the doctors. Even the tumor on my right foot
has disappeared.’

The Local Traditional Chinese Medicine Hospital said most of the plants were edible and not toxic but he did not recommend Li’s diet to us, which is a great relief.

People Do Have the Funniest Eating Habits [thanks to Frank Sabatini Jnr]:

• A meal in Istanbul could include lamb eyeballs dressed in a traditional Turkish cream sauce.
• In Central and South America, iguana meat is sautéed and turned into a gastronomic casserole that is eaten with bread or rice.
• Australian aboriginals commonly eat chopped, marinated kangaroo tails and sugar ants.
• Pickled ram’s testicles and decomposed shark meat are among the traditional Icelandic foods that present special challenges for tourists.
• In parts of Asia and Africa, locusts are typically dredged in wild honey to give them extra flavor.
• And people still reportedly breed dogs for food throughout severely impoverished areas of Korea and China. North American and UK animal rights groups are working to ban the practice.
• Bear paws and filets remain a highly prized dinner in Russia and Eastern Europe.
• Fresh snake meat is readily available in Singapore, Hong Kong, Taiwan, and Phoenix, Arizona.
• Chinese delicacies include shark fin soup and pigeon soup, while we here in the West have a fondness for goose liver pâté and frog legs.

Funny English Idioms

English Menu (Ingliz Menuyu)

William Dalrymple was born in Scotland and has become an internationally acclaimed writer of many travel books.  He wrote a book, at the age of 22, called ‘In Xanadu’ which was published in 1989.

In his book Dalrymple recorded various experiences he and his companion had while travelling in Asia; this example is a menu he came across in a restaurant. It’s a wonderful example of how to mangle English and is best appreciated by reading it out loud.  However, the funny English idioms can be deciphered, and even better, bet the food was delicious.

Kujuk Ayas Family Restrant

• Ingliz Menuyu
• Ayas soap
• Soap:
• Turkish tripte soap
• Sheeps foot
• Macaront
• Water pies
• Eats from meat:
• Deuner kepab with pi
• Kebap with green pe
• Kebap in paper
• Meat pide
• Kebap with mas patato
• Samall bits of meat grilled
• Almb chops
• Vegetables:
• Meat in earthenware stev pot
• Stfue goreen pepper
• Stuffed squash
• Stuffed tomatoes z
• Stuffed cabbages lea
• Leek with finced meat
• Clery
• Salad:
• Brain salad
• Cacik — a drink made ay ay And cucumber
• Frying Pans:
• Fried aggs
• Scram fried aggs
• Scrum fried omlat
• Omlat with brain
• Sweets and Fruits:
• Stewed atrawberry
• Nightingales nests
• Virgin lips
• A sweet dish of thinsh of batter with butter
• Banane
• Meon
• Leeches

Alternative Chinese English Menu – Funny English Idioms

Restaurant Correction

The above restaurant correction reminds me of the reverse story.  A man sent his wife into a Chinese restaurant to ask for 20 No 6.  Instead of returning with one packet of cigarettes, she came out with 20 portions of egg-fried rice.

Pigeon’s Milk

Pigeon’s milk is one of the desserts on offer at a Latvian restaurant. According to the Daily Mirror, the menu also offers a main course of ‘grilled surgeon’.

Travel Trade Gazette has collected confused hotel notices and menus that holidaymakers have spotted:

• A Polish restaurant offers: “roasted duck let loose, beef rashers beaten in the country people’s fashion”.
• While a Thai hotel told guests: ‘do not bring solicitors into your room’.

Inglish Humor

Here are some Indian English funnies that arise from shortening English words.

• Subsi = subsidiary
• Supli = supplementary
• Soopi = superintendent
• Princi = principle
• Gen. Sec. or G. Sec. = General Secretary
• Soc. Sec. = Social Secretary

Turkey – Bodrum Airlines

We have found a further amusing example of the way in which the English language can be mangled. These funny English idioms apparently first appeared in the New Yorker magazine in the 1980s and is an attempt by Bodrum airlines of Turkey to translate their regulations into English for inclusion on their passenger tickets. Despite their problems with the language nearly all of these can be understood.

1. You do not get rezarvation with Bodrum Airlines.
2. Your ticket can’t bu used if you be late or you miss departure time.
3. Bodrum Airlines is able to cary all passengers and baggeces but if any unusual things happen the can pany can change schadule or find another aircraft or company.
4. You have to pay extra price if your baggece more than 10 kg. if aircraft baggece cappacity is avalleble.
5. Do not allawe to drink alcaol and smoke cigarets on board.
6. Lost baggece insurance is 20.000 – TL (Twenty Thawzent)
7. You can not give back your ticket, but, if you annonce us before 24 hours your depart that you cannot fly you can use your ticket with in one year. After passing one year, you can not fly with your ticket.
8. If someone gets ticket by doing tricky, Bodrum Airlines has rezerved the rights that there is no must to give a permation that passenger gets on the board.
9. Ticket price for 0-2 year ache babys are 10% of normal price.
10. Pragnent and sick people have to have doctor’s permetion that they can get on the board.
11. Bodrum Airlines is not able to cary out flight schadule if an unusual thinks take place like bed weather, NOTAM, float, fire, eath queke, war, gone of elefricity, natural disaster, etc.
12. You have to get in touch with contuar befe 30 mitutes of the departure, atherwine you don’t get on the board and you don’t have any rights for justice.
13. Each passangere has ensurance 25.000.000 – TL (Twenty five milyon TL).

Funny Food For Thought

Can’t eat beef……..mad cow.

Can’t eat chicken…… bird flu!

Can’t eat eggs…… again, bird flu?

Can’t eat pork….. fear that bird flu will infect piggies.

Can’t eat fish……. mercury in the waters has poisoned the meat

Can’t eat fruits and veggies……. insecticides and herbicides

Hmmmm! I believe that leaves Chocolate!

Talking of Chocolate – How About a Chocolate Car?

Here is an even more amazing chocolate car.

More Funny Food For Thought – Bacon-Coated Chocolate

We are unsure whether this is a joke or not: fried bacon dipped in chocolate.

‘Joke,’ says Guy. Yummy,’ says Will.

Twenty Funny Food Facts – To Give You Fodder For Thought

1. Apple is made of 25% air, which is why it floats.
2. Apples, onions, and potatoes all have the same taste? Why not try the test: Pinch your nose and take a bite out of each.
3. Avocado has the highest protein and oil content of all fruits.
4. Cabbage is 91% water.
5. Carrots were originally purple, changing in the 17th Century to orange with newer varieties.
6. Celery requires more calories to eat and digest than it contains.
7. Cherries are a member of the rose family.
8. Corn always has an even number of ears.
9. Corn makes up about 8% of the weight in a box of cornflakes.
10. Eggplants [aubergine] are fruits and are classified botanically as berries.
11. Honey is the only edible food for humans that will never go bad.
12. Lemons contain more sugar than strawberries.
13. Orange does not rhyme with any other word.
14. Peanuts are legumes [vegetables] and not tree nuts.
15. Peanuts are one of the ingredients in dynamite.
16. Pear is a fruit that ripens from the inside out.
17. Strawberries are the only fruit that has its seeds on its outer skin.
18. Americans eat about 18 billion hot dogs a year.
19. Every time you lick a stamp you gain 1/10 of a calorie.
20. It takes around 10 liters of milk to make 1kg of cheese.

Did you know that during a lifetime the average person eats about 35 tonnes of food?

Tomatoes – Food for Health

A study at Harvard Medical School in 2001 of 124,000 men and women showed that those who ate the most tomatoes reduced their chances of getting lung cancer by 25%.

Amazing Apple

A Golden Delicious apple split perfectly down the middle into red and green is the talk of the town in Colaton Raleigh, Devon, England.

People have been queuing up to take pictures of the rarity grown by Ken Morrish. “It’s absolutely phenomenal,” said the 72-year-old.

Further Food For Thought

Some Bizarre Eating Records

• 432 [36 dozen]: number of oysters eaten in 10 minutes by Sonya Thomas
• 53.5: number of hot dogs and buns eaten in 12 minutes by Takeru Kobayashi
• 38: number of lobsters eaten in 12 minutes by Sonya Thomas
• 8.02: amount in kilograms [17.7 pounds] of cow brains eaten in 15 minutes by Takeru Kobayashi
• 5.22: amount in kilograms [11.5 pounds] of watermelon eaten in15 minutes by Richard LeFevre
• 4.99: amount in kilograms [11 pounds] of cheesecake eaten in 9 minutes by Sonya Thomas
• 2.95: amount in kilograms [6.5 pounds] of cabbage eaten in 9 minutes by Charles Hardy

Did You Know? – Funny Food Facts

Surprise your guests with this knowledge:

1. Onions, asparagus, daffodils, yams, hyacinths, garlic, leeks, tulips, chives, and the Joshua tree of California [which can grow to be 40 feet tall] are all types of lily.
2. Raspberries, blackberries, strawberries, cherries, plums, apples, and pears are all kinds of roses.
3. The average chocolate bar has 8 insects’ legs in it.
4. The United Kingdom eats more cans of baked beans than the rest of the world combined.
5. There is more real lemon juice in Lemon Pledge furniture polish than in Country Time Lemonade.
6. Within two hours of standing in daylight, milk loses between half and two-thirds of its vitamin B content.
7. The world’s oldest known recipe is for beer.
8. There are about 100,000 bacteria in one liter of drinking water.
9. The estimated number of M and M’s sold each day in the United States is 200,000,000.
10. Spain has a wider range of foods flavored with almonds than any other country in the world.

Funny Food Jokes and Amusing Pictures

Will and Guy have a wide range of food jokes, funny pictures, and amusing stories.  Variety is the spice of life.

Well Done?

Kevin was furious when his steak arrived cooked too rare.

‘Waiter,’ Kevin shouted, ‘Didn’t you hear me say “well done”?’

‘Of course I did, sir, I can’t thank you enough, sir,’ replied the waiter. ‘I hardly ever get a compliment.’

Eating Out

Last week, Alex and Ann went to a restaurant for dinner in Albert Road, Southsea. They scanned the menu, then they promptly ordered two steaks.

The waiter duly brought the steaks with fries and salad. Alex quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself

Ann was decidedly unhappy about that, ‘When are you going to learn to be polite, Alex?’ she complained.

Alex responded by asking, ‘If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?’

‘The smaller piece, of course,’ replied Ann.

‘Then what are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?’ Alex concluded.

Amusing Dieting Yarns

So Hungry I Could Eat the Plate

Chen Liang-erh, 50, an amateur inventor living in Taipei, Taiwan has perfected an edible plate. It is made from wheat grain, and he plans to mass-produce it with other edible crockery including cups, bowls, and food containers.

Will and Guy are aware that he argues that hungry diners, tempted to lick a plate after a delicious meal, can now go a step further and demolish the whole lot. Sadly, we have learned, that the plates have the taste of unsalted popcorn – not exactly an exciting culinary delight.

In his favor, Chen says the crockery can be boiled and will provide a nutritious meal for your pet. Lovely.

Diet Shorts

The best way to lose weight is by skipping ….. snacks and desserts.

One guideline applies to fat and thin people alike: if you’re thin, don’t eat fast. If you’re fat, don’t eat – FAST.

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies……….

A women’s group was discussing diet tips. When it was mentioned that getting enough exercise and sleep were just as important as watching food intake, one woman responded with surprise that sleep was a factor. Another replied, ‘Of course, sleep is a factor. The only time I’m not eating is when I’m sleeping.’

One of life’s mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

The only exercise I get is jumping to conclusions.

Half A Diet is Better than No Diet at All

Genevieve belongs to our Diet Club and she was lamenting that she had gained weight.

She told us that she had made her family’s favorite and luscious cake over the weekend, and added that they’d eaten half of it at dinner that evening.

The next day, Genevieve continued, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake had vanished.

She went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be so disappointed. Everyone commiserated until someone asked what her husband said when he found out.

Genevieve smiled broadly and quipped, ‘He never found out. I made another cake and ate half of that too.’

Green Credentials

My friend Ben is well known for his rather ‘in-your-face’ eco-friendly and green credentials.

We were eating at a Chinese restaurant in the High Street when an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our place. Ben made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her pair with a flourish.

‘As a keen environmentalist*,’ Ben declared loudly to no one in particular, ‘I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway
utensils.’

The waiter inspected his chopsticks. ‘Ah lovely, very beautiful,’ he said politely. ‘Ivory.’

*Fact: China uses 45 billion chopsticks per year. 25 million trees are chopped down to make them!

Funny Food and Diet Trivia

Will and Guy have to be honest and tell you that laughter will not enable you to lose weight. However, if you feel fed up with all the pressures of
dieting perhaps you can laugh, or at least smile at some of our random Food and Diet Trivia.

• Honey is the only food that does not spoil. Honey found in the tombs of Egyptian pharaohs has been tasted by archaeologists and found edible
• To make one kilo of honey bees have to visit 4 million flowers, traveling a distance equal to 4 times around the earth
• An ounce of chocolate contains about 20 mg of caffeine. There are more than 10,000 varieties of tomatoes
• Each American eats approximately 22 pounds of tomatoes yearly. Over ½ of the tomato consumption is in the form of catsup and sauce
• Peanuts are used in the manufacture of dynamite
• A family of four could live for 10 years on the bread produced by one acre of wheat
• The world’s oldest piece of chewing gum is approximately 9000 years old
• Half of the world’s population lives on a staple diet of rice
• Tea is said to have been discovered in 2737 BC by a Chinese emperor when some tea leaves accidentally blew into a pot of boiling water
• 1.5 billion cups of tea are enjoyed throughout the world every day
• In France, people eat approximately 500,000,000 snails per year
• Approximately one billion snails are served in restaurants annually
• Over 90% of all fish caught are caught in the northern hemisphere
• 75% of fish caught are eaten – the rest is used to make things such as glue, soap, margarine, and fertilizer
• Over the last 40 years, food production increased faster than the population
• The average person eats almost 1500 lbs of food in a year
• Carrots have zero fat content
• Carrots were first cultivated in Afghanistan in the 7th century, and they started with yellow flesh and a purple exterior
• Chocolate is the number one foodstuff flavor in the world, beating both vanilla and banana
• Native Americans never actually ate turkey; killing such a timid bird was thought to indicate laziness.
• The amount of pizza eaten each day in the USA measures between 75 -100 acres.
• Found on the seal of a bag of bagels: New and Improved – Made the old-fashioned way

Will Was Told This Joke by His Wife’s 98 year Old Aunt Cis

There were 2 eggs boiling in a pan, One egg said to the other, ‘My, it’s hot in here.’ The other replies, ‘You think that’s bad?  When you get out they bash your head in.’

Food Signs

• Sign in restaurant window: Eat now – Pay waiter.
• Sign outside a cafe: “Now Serving Food”. (It makes one wonder what they used to serve.)
• Dieting is the triumph of mind over platter.

It’s more fun to talk to someone who doesn’t use long difficult words but rather short, easy words like ‘What about lunch?’ from Winnie the Pooh by AA Milne.

Funny Food Joke Items on Menus

The following are items found overseas in which people have made unusual and funny use of English words for various products, and bizarre and amusing menu items in restaurants:

Laugh with us as you read these hilarious examples

• Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce – China
• Indonesian Nazi Goreng – Hong Kong
• Muscles Of Marines and Lobster Thermos – Cairo
• French fried ships – Cairo
• Garlic Coffee – Europe
• Sole Bonne Femme (Fish Landlady style) – Europe
• Boiled Frogfish – Europe
• Sweat from the trolley – Europe
• Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream – China
• Rainbow Trout, Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse – Hong Kong
• Roasted duck let loose – Poland
• Beef rashers beaten up in the country people fashion – Poland
• Fried friendship – Nepal
• Strawberry crap – Japan
• Pork with fresh garbage – Vietnam
• Toes with butter and jam – Bali
• French Creeps – Los Angeles
• Fried fishermen – Japan
• Teppan Yaki – Before Your Cooked Right Eyes – Japan
• Pepelea’s Meat Balls – Romania

Pigeon’s Milk

Pigeon’s milk is one of the desserts on offer at a Latvian restaurant. Also on the menu is a main course of ‘grilled surgeon’.  Here are more funny food examples:

• Thai hotel told guests: ‘Do not bring solicitors into your room’.
• A Polish restaurant offers: “roasted duck let loose, beef rashers beaten in the country people’s fashion”.
• While a Japanese public bath warned guests: ‘not to pull cock in the tub’.

Real Life at Drive-thru Burger Bars

Six one and half a dozen of the other.

Yvonne arrived at the Whopper Burger bar and read on the menu that she could order 6, 9, or 12 chicken nuggets. She promptly and politely requested half a dozen nuggets.

‘We don’t do half a dozen nuggets,’ responded the teenager at the counter rather tersely. ‘You don’t?’ Yvonne inquired quizzically.

‘We only have six, nine, or twelve,’ came the reply from the youngster.

‘Right,’ said Yvonne with a broad smile, ‘Let me get this straight. I can’t order half a dozen nuggets, but I can order six?’

‘Correct,’ was the bland reply.

Yvonne shook her head rather sadly and ordered six nuggets.

Will and Guy’s Philosophy

Our overall philosophy on food humor is a varied diet of amusing videos, and funny, yet clean food jokes, blended with thought-provoking pictures and the odd story.

Funny Food Stories

Here is our collection of amusing stories involving waiters, waitresses, pizza, eggs, and more types of food.

Only in America – Allegedly True Food Story From The USA

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with the delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital:

Agent: Hello. I’d like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We’re over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That’s right. I’m an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You’re an FBI agent?
Agent: That’s correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you’re at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That’s correct. And make sure you don’t go through the front doors. We have them locked. You’ll have to go around to the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you’re all FBI agents?
Agent: That’s right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That’s right. We’ve been here all day and we’re starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

Pizza Man: And you’re all FBI agents?
Agent: That’s right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don’t think so. *Click*

More Funny Food Stories

Trouble Ordering

I’ve always ordered my soft drinks in a simple way, e.g. ‘A Coke, please.’

Lately, though, this hasn’t seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, ‘I’m sorry, we don’t have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up, Hartridges, Virgin Cola, Sprite, and Red Bull.’

Exhausted by listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I’d make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar staff at a cinema for a ‘dark, cold, carbonated beverage.’

The young man behind the counter smiled and asked, ‘Yes sir, and would you like a long, thin, cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?’

Vegetarians

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals, I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. – A Whitney Brown.

Ice Cream Not Smooth Enough

Manuel Oliveira owned an ice cream shop in Mérida, Venezuela; and he reported that he sold 567 flavors, including onion, chili, beer, eggplant [aubergine], smoked trout, spaghetti and parmesan, chicken with rice, and spinach. He said some flavors fail; he once abandoned avocado ice cream and tossed out 99 pounds of it, because it wasn’t smooth enough.

And How Do You Like Your Chicken?

Victor saw a sign in the window of Barney’s Restaurant, Droitwich Spa, UK, that read ‘Unusual Breakfast’. Always an adventurous eater, Victor went in and sat down. The waitress brought him his pot of tea and asked him what he wanted to eat.

‘What does your unusual breakfast include?’ he asked politely.

‘Baked tongue of chicken!’ she replied with a grin.

‘Baked tongue of chicken?… baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken’s mouth!’ Victor cried.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, ‘What would you like then?’

‘Oh, just bring me some scrambled eggs,’ Victor replied.

Tale of the Food Survey

Last month a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

“Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”

The survey was a massive failure for the following reasons:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant;
2. In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant;
3. In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant;
4. In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant;
5. In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant;
6. In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant;
7. In the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant;
8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

Kindly sent in by Jenny & Les Simmonds

A Tasty Snack?

UK border officials detained a 22-year-old man from Burkina Faso for trying to smuggle 94 kilos (over 200 pounds) of dried caterpillars through
customs. His excuse? He thought it would be OK as they were food for ‘personal consumption’.

Unlike the 47-year-old from Togo who, when it was discovered that he had 33 pounds of live, fuzzy caterpillars in his suitcase, tried to eat as many as possible to show that they were harmless. He added that they were a snack that he was addicted to.

In some countries caterpillars are considered a delicacy……I’ll stick to chocolate!

New Curry Menu

Will has a particular love of spicy food as his mother came from Sri Lanka [Ceylon] and he lived there in the 1950s; so he was pleased to find this amusing pop chart using well-known ‘curry’ terms. You may be able to add to the list; if so, please contact us.

Pop music: The Curry Charts :

35. Poppadum Preach – Madonna
34. Korma Chameleon – Culture Club
33. Bhaji Trousers – Madness
32. King Prawn Massala Drinks Are Free – Wham
31. Dansak Queen – Abba
30. Korma People – Pulp
29. Tikka Chance On Me – Abba
28. When I Phall in Love – Nat King Cole
27. You Can’t Curry Love – Diana Ross and the Supremes
26. Korma Police – Radiohead
25. Things Can Only Get Bhuna – D:Ream
24. Tears On My Pilau – Kylie Minogue
23. It’s Bhuna Hard Days Night – The Beatles

22. Brothers in Naans – Dire Straits
21. Girlfriend in a Korma – The Smiths
20. Pilau Talk – Doris Day
19. It’s My Chapati and I Cry If I Want To ? – Dave Stewart/Barbara Gaskin
18. I’m a Bhaji Girl – Aqua
17. Sag Aloo – Black Lace
16. Take That and Chapati – Take That
15. Bhuna Round The World and I Can’t Find My Bhaji? – Lisa Stansfield
14. I Don’t Want To Dansak – Eddie Grant
13. Dansak on the Ceiling – Lionel Richie
12. We Are Jalfrezi – Sister Sledge
11. Vindaloo – Abba
10. I Don’t Want to Go to Chutney? Elvis Costello
9. Rice Rice Baby – Vanilla Rice
8. Jalfrezi Jalfrezi Nights – Kiss
7. Tandoori Deliver – Adam and the Ants
6. Love Me Tandoor – Elvis Presley
5. We Don’t Have to Tikka Clothes Off? Jermaine Jackson
4. Bye Bye Balti – Bay City Rollers
3. Bhuna to be Wild – Steppenwolf
2. Livin’ Dhal – Cliff Richard
1. Raita Here, Raita Now – Fatboy Slim

Funny Pictures of Egg Tattoo

Will and Guy have no tattoos at all; this is a matter of choice.

In the UK tattoos are quite popular with some people. However, few people have their heads tattooed. Also, not many tattoos can be said to be funny. We have chosen a few that we would like to share with you.

Funny Story of the Egg Tattoo

This man has had a tattoo of a full breakfast created on his head.  He was selected after a plea for a volunteer.  Reports from BBC News online.

It took tattoo artist Blane Dickinson, 32, from Penmaenmawr, Conwy, Wales, six hours to complete the bacon, eggs, sausages, and beans with cutlery.  Volunteer Dwayne Gilbey, 19, from Coventry, said he wanted to take part in something different. Mr Dickinson said he next wanted to find someone willing to have their face tattooed on the back of their head.

Mr Gilbey, who already has four tattoos, said, ‘My friends and family keep asking me why I’m doing this. For me, it’s just something different that has never been done before. My mum is really unhappy about it and threatened to throw me out but I don’t think she’ll go through with it.’

He volunteered for the tattooing, which took place at The Albion pub in Conwy.

The tattooist added, ‘I’m not charging Dayne but this tattoo would normally cost around £350 [$700] and must definitely be the most expensive breakfast he has ever had.’

Egg Tattoo With Knife and Fork

Here is another example of a breakfast tattoo.  This one not only has the eggs and bacon but also includes a knife and fork.

Funny story – Cormorant Recipe

As Will and Guy often muse; ‘Humor is a fickle animal’.  Well here is an example of humor that catches you unexpectedly.  The Cormorant Recipe comes from a bygone era: Countryman’s Cooking, by W.M.W Fowler circa 1965.

Cormorant Recipe

Having shot your cormorant, hold it well away from you as you carry it home; these birds are exceedingly verminous and the lice are said to be not entirely host-specific. Hang up by the feet with a piece of wire, soak in petrol, and set on fire. This treatment both removes most of the feathers and kills the lice.

When the smoke has cleared away, take the cormorant down and cut off the beak. Send this to the local Conservancy Board who, if you are in the right area, will give you 3/6d or sometimes 5/- for it. Bury the carcass, preferably in light, sandy soil, and leave it there for a fortnight. This is said to improve the flavor by removing, in part at least, the taste of rotting fish.

Dig up and skin and draw the bird. Place in a strong salt and water solution and soak for 48 hours. Remove, dry, stuff with whole, unpeeled onions: the onion skins are supposed to bleach the meat to a small extent so that it is very dark brown instead of being entirely black.

Simmer gently in seawater, to which two tablespoons of chloride of lime have been added, for six hours. This has a further tenderizing effect. Take out of the water and allow to dry, meanwhile mixing up a stiff paste of methylated spirit and curry powder.  Spread this mixture liberally over the breast of the bird.

Finally, roast in a very hot oven for three hours.  The result is unbelievable.  Throw it away. Not even a starving vulture would eat it.

Footnote: This account is not to everyone’s taste.  However, can top that Cormorant Recipe?  If so send us your story/recipe!

Charles writes in.  ‘There was a time when I got paid for shooting Cormorants.  Then after the war, they stopped that earner.  Blow me, now they are prosecuting me for shooting the wretched bird.  This country [England] is going to the dogs.’

Addendum: You would not believe it, but just around the corner from where Will lives in Portchester is The Cormorant pub.  But no, this bird is not on the menu!

Ten-in-one Swan Recipe

This Elizabethan delicacy would feed 25 people.  The swan would weigh about 30lbs before it had the other foul inserted.

1. Swan stuffed with:
2. Goose
3. Duck
4. Mallard
5. Guinea fowl
6. Chicken
7. Pheasant
8. Partridge
9. Pigeon
10. Woodcock

In the time of Elizabeth the 1st, the ten-in-one swan would be roasted all day, and then once cooked thoroughly, the feathers would be replaced to make an attractive centerpiece for the meal.

Queen Elizabeth II Supervises Swan-upping

In July 2009 The present Queen Elizabeth supervised the annual Swan Upping census on the river Thames, near Windsor, England.  This was the first time in living memory that the monarch had visited the Thames to watch the swan-uppers count her swans.  In England, the swan is a protected bird, which only the Queen is allowed to kill.

More Foody Humour

• You know the restaurant has a clown as a chef when the food tastes funny.
• Bakeries show how well their business is doing with a pie chart.
• Old bakers never die, they just keep making lots of dough.

Strange but true giant pumpkin picture

Strange But True Story about 88 Stone Pumpkin

Fact is always stranger than fiction.  Here is Martin with his record-breaking pumpkin.

Bavarian Martin Reiss planted the pumpkin at the end of April and harvested it in September when it was 88 days old.  This pumpkin set a new European record for pumpkins.

Giant Mushroom

Just the job of stuffing your giant pumpkin.

A more than 20-kilo (41-lb) mushroom has been picked in a forest in Mexico’s southernmost state of Chiapas. The white mushroom, macrocybe titans, measured a towering 70 cm (27 in) tall, was found near Tapachula, near the border with Guatemala.

Guy the Botanist

Guy had a life as a Botanist, so I know how difficult it is to grow plants.  Our department had special growth chambers with zillions of tubes of artificial light to simulate sunlight.  We students nicknamed them ‘ death chambers’ because many plants would not grow in these supposedly ideal conditions. To be fair the truth was often absent-minded professors used to sow plants, but then forget to water them.

Car Mashed By Potatoes A True, Short, Funny Story

A tractor pulling a trailer containing several tonnes of potatoes through Lincoln City center [England] lost its load when the trailer toppled over. A nearby parked, but unoccupied, car was severely mashed.

Although the car was squashed, we can tell you that nobody was hurt in the accident; although onlookers told us that they thought the tractor driver may have had his chips.*

The spuds were shoveled back into the trailer manually, and it continued merrily on its way. Just another true, funny story from Britain’s countryside.

*An informal British phrase which means he may get into trouble…..ie….lose his job.

Mushy Peas Shut A1 Road

The lorry spilled its load of peas on the A1 A major trunk route was closed after a lorry and a bus collided, spilling tons of peas onto the road.  Motorists had to steer clear of the A1 near the Great Gonerby roundabout in Lincolnshire after the southbound carriageway was closed.

Some 18 tons of the vegetable were shed in the incident, leading to long delays spilling over into Nottinghamshire.

Emergency services which attended the scene say nobody was seriously hurt in the collision.

A police spokesman said the road has since re-opened to traffic.

Surprising Food Pictures

Eau de Stilton

Stilton has launched a blue cheese perfume.  Will it catch on?  The makers of the famously smelly Stilton blue cheese have produced their own perfume.

The face of Eau de Stilton – Cat Deeley

The manufacturers have asked Cat Deeley to be the face of their Eau de Stilton. The makers say that: ‘Eau de Stilton recreates the earthy and fruity aroma of the cheese, in an eminently wearable perfume’.

The perfume is blended by a Manchester-based aromatics company and includes a symphony of natural base notes including yarrow, angelica seed, clary sage, and valerian’. It was commissioned by the Stilton Cheese Makers Association (SCA) as part of a campaign to persuade more people to eat their product.

Nigel White, of the SCA, dismissed the suggestions that it might not be the most alluring of scents. Blue Stilton cheese has a very distinctive, mellow aroma and our perfumier was able to capture the key essence of that scent and recreate it in what is an unusual but highly wearable perfume, ‘he said.’ While we don’t have quite as generous a budget as some of her other endorsements, we would love Miss Deeley to be the face of Eau de Stilton and look forward to hearing what she thinks of the scent.’

Value of Food From the Doctor’s Desk

Advice on which foods will give you relief from specific illnesses. See our PowerPoint Presentation on associations between food and curing common complaints.

Headache?  Eat Plenty of Fish

Bladder infection? – Drink plenty of cranberry juice

High-acid cranberry juice controls harmful bacteria

Bone problems – Eat pineapples

Bone fractures and osteoporosis can be prevented by the manganese in pineapple.

Head-cold?  Eat garlic

Clear up that stuffy head with garlic. (Remember, garlic lowers cholesterol too.)

Diabetes?  Eat broccoli and peanuts

The chromium in broccoli and peanuts helps regulate insulin and blood sugar.

Clogged arteries?  – Eat avocados

Mono-unsaturated fat in avocados lowers cholesterol.

See lots more useful associations between foods and curing ailments

Free PowerPoint Presentation Showing the Value of Food

Free Download of Value of Food PPT (Right click, Save Target As)

Here is a Print-out of the FOOD VALUES – in the above PowerPoint Presentation.

HEADACHE…?

Eat plenty of fish — fish oil helps prevent headaches. So does ginger, which reduces inflammation and pain.

HEAVY FEVER ….?

Eat lots of yogurt before the pollen season.

Also honey from your area (local region) daily.

TO PREVENT STROKE…..?

DRINK TEA! Prevent the build-up of fatty deposits on artery walls with regular doses of tea.

(Actually, tea suppresses my appetite and keeps the pounds from invading….Green tea is great for our immune system)!

INSOMNIA.. (CAN’T SLEEP…?)

Use honey as a tranquilizer and sedative.

ASTHMA…….?

Eating onions helps ease the constriction of bronchial tubes. (When I was young, My mother would make onion packs to place on our chest, which helped the respiratory ailments and made us breathe better).

ARTHRITIS…?

Eat fish! Salmon, tuna, mackerel, and sardines prevent arthritis. (Fish has omega oils, good for our immune system)

UPSET STOMACH…?

Bananas will settle an upset stomach.

Ginger will cure morning sickness and nausea.

BLADDER INFECTION….?

DRINK CRANBERRY JUICE!!!! High-acid cranberry juice controls harmful bacteria.

BONE PROBLEMS…?

Eat PINEAPPLE!!!

Bone fractures and osteoporosis can be prevented by the manganese in pineapple.

MEMORY PROBLEMS…?

Eat OYSTERS! Oysters help improve your mental functioning by supplying much-needed zinc.

COLD …?

Eat GARLIC! Clear up that stuffy head with garlic. (Remember, garlic lowers cholesterol, too.)

COUGHING….?

USE RED PEPPERS!! A substance similar to that found in cough syrups is found in hot red peppers. Use red (cayenne) pepper with caution-it can irritate your tummy.

BREAST CANCER…..?

Eat Wheat, bran, and cabbage, which help to maintain estrogen at healthy levels.

LUNG CANCER…..?

Eat DARK GREEN VEGGIES AND ORANGE !!! A good antidote is beta carotene, a form of Vitamin A found in dark green and orange vegetables.

ULCERS….?

Cabbage contains chemicals that help heal both gastric and duodenal ulcers.

DIARRHEA…..?

Eat APPLES! Grate an apple with its skin, let it turn brown, and eat it to cure this condition. (Bananas are good for this ailment)

CLOGGED ARTERIES….?

Eat AVOCADO! Mono-unsaturated fat in avocados lowers cholesterol.

HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE….?

Eat CELERY AND OLIVE OIL!!! Celery contains a chemical that lowers pressure too. Olive oil has been shown to lower blood pressure.

BLOOD SUGAR IMBALANCE……?

Eat BROCCOLI AND PEANUTS!!! The chromium in broccoli and peanuts helps regulate insulin and blood sugar.

Whopper Burger Eating Competition Denny’s Beer Barrel Pub

Whopper Burger Eating Competition

Denny’s Beer Barrel Pub, in Clearfield, Pennsylvania, already held the title by eating a 6lb burger; owners thought a 15-pound burger-eating competition would prove an even bigger attraction, reports the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.

Diners who can finish the £25 [$44] whopper burger in under five hours win £200 [$350USD, a T-shirt, and their name posted on the pub’s wall of fame. They also got the burger for free.’ Every restaurant needs a gimmick – ours is big burgers’, said Dennis Liegey III, son of the restaurant’s owner.

Visitors come from as far away as Australia and California just to see the 6-pounders and try eating burgers this big. The new burger, dubbed the Beer Barrel Belly Buster, is as big around as the inside of a car tire. Each one comes with a cup and a half of mayonnaise, mustard, and ketchup, a head of lettuce, two onions, three tomatoes, and 25 slices of cheese.

Denny’s Beer Barrel Pub – Whopper Burger Eating Follow-up

Mayor Patty Gilliland poses with Denny Leigey, owner of Denny’s Beer Barrel Pub, and the restaurant’s record-breaking whopper burger in Clearfield, Pennsylvania, USA.

The newest addition to the menu at Denny’s Beer Barrel Pub is one meaty monstrosity of a burger. The Beer Barrel Main Event Charity Burger weighs in at 123 pounds.[8st.11lbs] The sizable sandwich features an 80-pound beef patty, along with a pound each of lettuce, ketchup, relish, mustard, and mayonnaise, 160 slices of cheese, up to five onions, and 12 tomatoes records the Houston Chronicle.

It’s topped with a couple of pounds of banana peppers and 33 pickles, then sandwiched into a 30-pound bun. There’s a large price tag, too for eating a burger like this: $379.[Almost £200]

The Clearfield pub unveiled the menu item over the weekend. Restaurant owner Denny Leigey said he plans to submit paperwork on his colossal culinary creation to the Guinness Book of World Records. The burger’s cooks maintain it shatters the world record of 105 pounds shared by two restaurants in New Jersey and Thailand. Leigey said he didn’t know how many calories were stuffed into his latest gigantic entrée.

Whopper Burger World Record September 2009

This vast, terrifying meat pile is officially the world’s biggest burger, as certified by the Guinness Book of World Records – weighing in at more
than 13st.

The stomach-busting whopper burger sells for a wallet-busting $499[£300] at Mallie’s Sports Grill and Bar in Southgate, Michigan, USA. Restaurant owner Steve Mallie said it took eight hours to bake a bun big enough to hold the 185lb [84kg] burger.

See right how it dwarfs the previous Whopper Burger record holder.

Previous Whopper Burger Record February 2008:

Denny’s Beer Barrel Pub in Pennsylvania may have lost its claim to be the makers of the largest burger if Steve Mallie of Mallie’s Sports Bar and Grill in Detroit, Michigan, USA, has any say in the matter.

Steve’s burger weighs in at a hefty 134lb for the burger, slapped inside a 50lb bun, and needs to be ordered 24 hours in advance, and eating the burger will cost $350 [£176 in the UK].

The mighty meal was dubbed ‘The Absolutely Ridiculous Burger’.  Will and Guy wonder how far this whopper burger-eating competition will go.

Another Kind of Whopper!

Burger King’s Left-handed Whopper:

In 1998 Burger King published a full-page advertisement in USA Today announcing a new item to their menu: a ‘Left-Handed Whopper’ specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new Whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers.

The following day Burger King issued a follow-up release revealing that although the Left-Handed Whopper was a hoax, thousands of customers had gone into restaurants to request the new sandwich. Simultaneously, according to the press release, ‘many others requested their own ‘right-handed’ version.’

Trivia about McDonald’s

• McDonald’s sells more than 1/3 of all the French fries sold in restaurants in the U.S. each year.
• McDonald’s restaurants will buy 54,000,000 pounds of fresh apples this year. Two years ago, McDonald’s purchased 0 pounds of apples. This is attributed to the shift to more healthy menu options.
• Nearly one in eight workers in the US has at some time been employed by McDonald’s.
• In India, the ‘Big Mac’ is changed into the ‘Maharaja Mac’, a mutton burger in deference to religious injunctions against the consumption of beef and pork.
• Sälen in Sweden opened the first Ski-through McDonald’s in the world.
• More than 50,000 students from all over the world have graduated with ‘Bachelor of Hamburgerology’ degrees from McDonald’s ‘Hamburger University.’
• McDonald’s three kosher restaurants in Israel are the only McDonald’s in the world where you cannot buy a cheeseburger.
• Since its founding in 1955, McDonald’s has sold well over 100 billion hamburgers.
• The northernmost McDonald’s restaurant is located on the Arctic Circle in Rovaniemi, Finland, while the southernmost franchise is located in Invercargill, New Zealand. Also, the world’s easternmost McDonald’s is located in New Zealand, in the city of Gisborne; the westernmost restaurant is in Western Samoa, as they are the closest to either side of the International date line.

Naturally, some of the numbers quoted above are out-of-date, however, they do give the scale of the McDonald’s Operation.

Did You Know? McDonald’s Sponsored Iwo Jima

Real Life at Drive-Thru Burger Bars

6 of one half a dozen of the other

Yvette arrived at the Whopper Burger Bar and read on the menu that she could order 6, 9, or 12 chicken nuggets. She promptly and politely requested half a dozen nuggets.

‘We don’t do half a dozen nuggets,’ responded the teenager at the counter rather tersely. ‘You don’t?’ Yvette inquired quizzically.

‘We only have six, nine, or twelve,’ came the reply from the youngster.

‘Right,’ said Yvette with a broad smile, ‘Let me get this straight. I can’t order half a dozen nuggets, but I can order six?’ ‘Correct,’ was the bland reply.

Yvette shook her head rather sadly and ordered six nuggets.

Meanwhile, Back to McDonald’s – This Time It’s Mexico

Cheeseburger?

Will went into a burger bar and ordered a cheeseburger to take away and he was asked by the counter staff, ‘Do you want cheese with that?’

You couldn’t invent it, Will and Guy say.

Fried or Frazzled?

When driving home from Plymouth to Cheltenham, Jerry had an enormous desire to eat some chips. He pulled his car over into a ‘drive-thru’ burger place with an internationally recognizable name and logo.

Jerry’s conversation then went as follows: Jerry: ‘I’d like a large fries please.’ Counter staff: ‘Would you like fries with that?’

Jerry was somewhat confused with this response so he told the staff no. Jerry was then told to pull ahead which he did and then the staff member asked Jerry why he was still waiting there. Counter staff: ‘I thought you didn’t want fries.’

Jerry: ‘No, I ordered a large fries.’ Counter staff: ‘OK. Do you want fries with that?’

Exhausted by now with the circulatory nature of the conversation Jerry decided that since saying no the last time had got him nowhere he thought he’d better say yes this time.  When the food arrived Jerry was given two large fries.

Throwaway Burger

Throwing a cheeseburger at a doctor because he is driving too slowly is not an offence say the Czech police after Dr Hannes Kohl complained about a lorry driver. Dr Kohl, who was hit on the head by the burger thrown from the truck, was outraged by what he considered an unprovoked attack.

‘I complained to the Czech police but they told me it was not an offense to throw a burger at someone, and my insurance company also refused to recompense me even though there was melted cheese and ketchup on my suit and all over my car,’ the Austrian doctor complained bitterly.

Mobile McDonald’s

Could this McDonald’s on Wheels be in Panaji, Goa, India?  Or is it in Karachi Pakistan?

McDonald’s Takeaway Ireland?

Burgers Plus Creates Wedding Bliss For Couple

‘Aren’t People Funny?’ say Will and Guy.

Tom and Kerry Watts from Poringland, Norfolk, England, held their wedding reception at Zaks American Restaurant and so it was appropriate, say Will and Guy, that their wedding cake should be a giant cheeseburger made from a secret Zaks recipe.

The mammoth 19kg [42lb] cheeseburger, which was nearly half a meter wide and weighed the equivalent of about 100 quarter-pounders, was the highlight of the couple’s wedding reception after they got married at nearby All Saints Church. It was garnished with 12 iceberg lettuces, 12 onions, 30 tomatoes, 48 slices of dill pickle, and 2kg of cheese, along with a liter of ketchup and a liter of mayonnaise. The finished burger had to be cooked for three hours. Three chefs were needed to lift it out of the oven before it could be put into the specially made sesame-seeded bun, from Merv’s Hot Bread Kitchen, in Wymondham. The bun weighed 5kg and staff had to cut it in half using a saw.

It took butcher John Baxter, from Burgers Plus, in Norwich, a whole day to create and shape the giant beef patty, weighing 400oz when uncooked. He said, ‘It was the biggest burger I have ever made. It looked like a big car wheel! It was two-and-a-half inches thick and I had to have a special stainless steel tin made for it.’ Mr Watts, a 36-year-old fire-fighter, laughed, ‘Not only did I get to marry the woman of my dreams but I also got to have the burger of my dreams on the same day. I could not believe the size of the burger. It was just incredible. Everything has just been amazing. It was the best day ever.

Guy and Will are hopeful that they will discover the cost of creating such a monstrosity.

Hot Dog Champion

Joey Chestnut, from the USA, has been named the world hotdog-eating champion.

He broke his world record by swallowing 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes [one every 10.9 seconds] in Coney Island, Brooklyn, New York reports The Guardian newspaper.

2009 Update:

Joey Chestnut successfully defended his world hot dog championship on July 4th, 2009. He managed to neck 68, thus breaking his own world record.

2011 update:

Joey Chestnut wins the fifth consecutive July Fourth hot dog contest

Joey ‘Jaws’ Chestnut won his fifth consecutive July Fourth hotdog-eating contest held at Coney Island in New York.  This year Joey scoffed 62 wieners in the 10-minute competition.

Dual Champion

Not content with being the hotdog-eating champion, Joey Chestnut is also the burger king. Chestnut finished off 103 hamburgers in just eight minutes to set a new record and win the ‘Krystal Square Off IV’ World Hamburger Eating Championship.

The 23-year-old from San Jose, California, surpassed the previous world record of 97 ‘Krystals’ held by Japan’s Takeru Kobayashi, set at last year’s Krystal Square Off.

Hot Dog Bike

Will and Guy suspect that Joey may have ridden home on this bike,

Or perhaps on this motorized hamburger trike

After The Burger – Will and Guy Suggest Dessert

How about a 1,224-pound [555-kilogram] triple vanilla cupcake with pink frosting?  It is Will and Guy can confirm, the largest cupcake ever made in the world.  This massive sweetener was unveiled recently event in Michigan, USA.

A Guinness World Records adjudicator was on hand to certify the cupcake’s girth. It was more than eight times the size of the previous record holder. The colossal cupcake took 12 hours to bake and included 800 eggs and 200lb [90 kg)] each of sugar and flour.

A breast cancer organization benefitted from the sale of slices bought by the public.

In case you were wondering about eating the whole cupcake; the number of calories you would consume is estimated at 2 million.

Where Are We?

A British couple, Sonia and Ray, from Manchester, were driving across Wisconsin one holiday and were nearing a town the name of Oconomowoc. They discussed such a strange and funny name and decided that the sign was probably written by someone playing a joke.

Sonia and Ray continued their conversation as they drove into town about the pronunciation of such an unusual name. As they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, Ray said to the waitress, ‘My wife, Sonia, and I can’t seem to be able to figure out the name of this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand.’

The waitress looked at him, somewhat perplexed, and said, ‘Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng.’

Chicken Wing Champion

Sonya Thomas wins the Buffalo Wing eating contest.  A 7.5 stone woman ate 173 chicken wings in 12 minutes to win a US competitive eating contest. Sonya Thomas munched her way past dozens of beefy rivals at the National Buffalo Wing Festival.

‘That’s 2.35kgs of wings,’ said Brian Kahle, spokesman for the annual event in Buffalo, New York. Ms Thomas, 40, originally from South Korea who now lives in Alexandria, Virginia, also held the festival’s previous record of 161 wings in 12 minutes, set in 2004.

‘She’s the crowd favorite,’ Mr Kahle said. ‘It was 12 huge guys and her.’ Ms Thomas has set numerous records in competitive eating events, including 37 hot dogs in 12 minutes, 35 bratwursts in 10 minutes, 11 pounds of cheesecake in nine minutes, and 44 lobsters in 12 minutes. She is ranked number five by the International Federation of Competitive Eating.

New world ice cream eating record

A cookery student has eaten his way to victory at the first-ever World Ice Cream Eating Championship in America. Ice cream competitors had to get through as many tubs as possible in eight minutes. Patrick Bertoletti from Chicago was crowned the winner. He wolfed down 8.0 liters (1.75 gallons) to become the ice cream champion.

The event took place at a restaurant and 13 fanatics took part. Second place went to ‘Crazy Legs’ Conti who ate 6.8 liters (1.5 gallons). Conti is apparently a familiar face in the field of competitive eating, having won a hot dog eating competition in Florida.