Lateness Humour, Jokes, Stories

Here is our collection of items about people who are late; also amusing
stories involving delays.

Waiting Call

My son, Gareth, an insurance broker in Florida, loves ocean fishing and
takes his cell phone along on the boat. One morning we were drifting about
ten miles offshore as Gareth discussed business on the phone. Suddenly his
rod bent double, and the reel screamed as line poured off the spool.

Gareth was master of the situation. “Pardon me,” he told his customer
calmly. “I have a call on another line.”

• Punctual Will – Late Dave
• Late for Work
• Late for School
• Late for a Date

Punctual Will – Late Dave

I’m sure that nearly everyone has a friend or relative who, however hard
they try, always seems to be late. Will’s friend, Dave Barker was one such
person and nearly drove Will mad when they worked together. Will was always
punctual, so eventually, if they were due to meet at 9.30, Will would tell
him 9.00, but I suspect Dave realised and carried on in his own sweet way
and still managed to be late!

Late for School

TEACHER: Young woman, do you know what time we start school here in the
morning?
PUPIL: No, Miss, I don’t. I’ve never been here for that.

TEACHER: Young man, you’ve been late for school every day this week.
PUPIL: No, Miss, I was only late for school four days this week. The other
day I was absent.

TEACHER: Do you have any idea how many times you’ve been late for school
this year?
PUPIL: Well, Miss, I don’t think it’s been more than once a
day.

TEACHER: Young man, you’ve been late for school five days this week. Does
that make you happy?
PUPIL: Sure does. That means it’s Friday.

TEACHER: Young lady, do you know what the word “tardy” means?
PUPIL:
No, Miss, I don’t. You must have covered that before I got here.

One kid in our class is always late for school.  When we studied the
Hundred Years War, he only showed up for the last three years.

TEACHER: Do you have a good excuse for being absent yesterday?
PUPIL:
If I had a good excuse for being absent, I’d save it and use it for
tomorrow.

Late for a Date

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, Melissa decided
she had been stood up. She changed from her best dinner dress into her
pyjamas and slippers, fixed herself snack and resigned herself to an evening
of TV.

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her
doorbell rang. There stood her date.

He took one look at her and gasped, “I’m two hours late … and you’re still not ready?”

Late for Work

Mark had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always
late for work.  After a few weeks of this, Mr Johnson, his boss, called
him in and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it.

So Mark went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it
before he went to bed. He got a great night’s sleep and actually beat the
alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to
work.

“Mr Johnson,” he said, “The pill my doctor subscribed me actually
worked!”
“That’s all fine,” said his boss, “But where were you
yesterday?”

An Unexpected Delay

Mullah Nasruddin had saved up to buy a new shirt. He went to a tailor’s
shop, full of excitement.  The tailor measured him and said, “Come back in a
week, and – if Allah wills – your shirt will be ready.”

The Mullah contained himself for a week and then went back to the shop.
“There has been a delay.  But – if Allah wills – your shirt will be ready
tomorrow.” The following day Nasruddin returned.  “I am sorry,” said the
tailor, “but it is not quite finished. Try tomorrow, and – if Allah wills –
it will be ready.”

“How long will it take,” asked the exasperated Nasruddin, “if you leave
Allah out of it?”

Timekeeping – Does it Matter?

Steve Cleary was in his early 50’s, retired and had started a second
career. However, he just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day he
was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. However, he was a good worker, really clever, so
the owner was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he
called Steve into the office for a talk.

‘Steven, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a top class
job, but you’re being late so often is quite a worry.’

‘Yes, I realise that, sir, and I am working on it.’ replied Steve.

‘I’m pleased to hear that, you are a team player. It’s odd though, you’re
coming in late. I know you’re retired from the Royal Navy. What did they say
if you came in late there?’

‘They said, “Good morning, Admiral.” ‘

Jim Dunbar, of Forfar, Scotland, Lateness Sufferer

Jim has been late for everything – late for work, late for football
matches, late for holidays. He’s left women stood waiting on a first date,
turned up to meals with friends hours after he should have and even arrived
for funerals long after they’ve begun. But now his poor timekeeping has been
diagnosed as a medical condition – Chronic Lateness Syndrome.

His family still don’t believe him. They think he’s just making excuses.
But Jim says that knowing it’s a real condition and that it’s not his fault
has really helped him.

See some funny syndromes »

Footnote:
Please send us your funny lateness
examples.