Pumpkin Jokes and One-liners for Halloween

Once you start carving a pumpkin it takes on a life of its own, complete
with a sense of humour.

• Clean Pumpkin Jokes
• Speaking with Pumpkins
• Top 10 Pumpkin Sayings
• Classic Halloween One-liners
• Funny Pumpkin Pictures
• Pumpkin and Halloween
  Stencils

Clean Pumpkin Jokes

Why Pumpkins are better than Men?

Each year you get a brand new crop to choose from.  Also,
pumpkins are always on the doorstep there waiting to greet you.

Speaking with Pumpkins

How do you
talk to a pumpkin with three heads?

.

Hello,      hello,        hello.

• What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other?
  Cut it out!
• What is a pumpkin's favorite sport?
  Squash
• Why do Jack-o-lanterns have stupid smiles on their faces?
  You'd have a stupid
  smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
• What's the ratio of a pumpkin's circumference to its diameter?
  Pumpkin Pi  (3.1428571428571428571428571428571)
• What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
  Frostbite!
• How do you repair a broken Jack-o-lantern?
  Buy a pumpkin patch!
• What's black, white, orange, and waddles?
  
  A penguin
  carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
• Why do pumpkins never quarrel?
  Because they have no stomach for
  fighting.

More Funny
Halloween Pumpkin Jokes

These are longer yarns suitable for telling around a campfire.

Best Use of a Pumpkin Patch

John, a city slicker from Boston, bought a pumpkin patch.  He
thought that he could make more money from chickens than the previous owner
made from pumpkins, so he went to a poultry farm and bought 50 chickens.

'50 is a lot of chickens for that little pumpkin patch,' commented the
proprietor.  'I am used to big business' John replied.'

A week later John was back at the farm. 'I need another 50 chickens,' he
said. 'Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming,' the poultry farmer
told him.

'Oh yes,' John replied. 'It' will be Ok if I can just iron out a few
problems.'  'Problems?', asked the farmer. 'Yeah,' replied the John, 'I
think I planted that first batch too close together.'

How to Grow Pumpkins

Farmer Smith was driving his tractor along the road with a trailer load
of fertilizer.  Alex a little boy of nine was playing ball in his yard;
he saw the farmer and asked:

'What've you got in your trailer?'
'Manure,' farmer Smith replied.

'What are you going to do with it?' asked Alex.
'Put it on my pumpkins,' answered the farmer.

Alex replied, 'You ought to
come and eat with us, we put ice-cream on our pumpkin pie.'

Footnote to joke tellers:
The above joke works even
better if you use 'Raspberries', or 'Strawberries' instead of 'pumpkins' and
'pumpkin pie'.

Top 10 Pumpkin Sayings

1. Pumpkin pie, if rightly made, is a thing of beauty and a joy - while it
   lasts ...
2. I would rather sit on a pumpkin, and have it all to myself, than be
   crowded on a velvet cushion - Henry David Thoreau
3. My favourite word is "pumpkin." You are a pumpkin. Or you are not. I am.
   - Harrison E. Salisbury
4. To dream of pumpkins is a very bad omen.
5. If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy,
   throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how
   stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at
   them.
6. I will keep moving forward, forever forward, towards and endless dream,
   and a thousand pumpkin lights. - Former President George Bush
7. I don't know about you but my family would stage a mutiny if I didn't
   have a pumpkin pie for dessert at Thanksgiving.
8. Men are like pumpkins. It seems like all the good ones are either taken
   or they've had everything scraped out of their heads with a spoon.
9. Homer Simpson gets into the pumpkin business. 'This year I invested in
   pumpkins. They've been going up the whole month of October and I got a
   feeling they're going to peak right around January.' ...DOH.

10. Pumpkin Head

    We bought a pumpkin big and round
    that lived the summer through
    without an eye to look at things ...
    and now it looks through two.

    It used to be all dark inside
    when growing on the vine,
    but now it
    has a toothy smile
    and face that's full of shine.

    - Aileen Fisher

Pumpkin Deterrent

Mrs Jones was proud of her pumpkin patch, so she was real disappointed
when some of the the local kids were taking them to make Jack-o-Lanterns.

One evening while Mrs Jones was soaking in the bath, the answer to the
pumpkin thefts came to her.  After supper she went out and put up a
sign:
'Beware, one of these pumpkins is coated with a special
colourless rat poison!'

A day or two later when Mrs Jones checked out her pumpkin patch she was
pleased to see that no more had been stolen.  Then she saw a second
sign next to hers which said: 'NOW THERE ARE TWO!!'

Why Pumpkins Are Better Than Men?

If you don't like the way your
pumpkin looks, you can just carve another face.  (Boo say Will and Guy)

or
From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty head. (Boo say Will
and Guy again)

Footnote:
Please send us your favourite pumpkin jokes
and stories.

Classic Halloween One-liners

• What kind of alley does
  a ghost prefer to haunt?
  A dead end.
• Why wasn't
  the vampire working?
  He was on his coffin break.
• What's
  a ghosts favourite ride at the carnival?
  The roller ghoster
• What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
  Fasten your
  sheet belt.

More Halloween Gags

• What is a vampires favourite type of ship?
  A blood vessel.
• What was a witch's
  favourite subject when they
  were in school?
  Spelling!
• What musical instrument does a skeleton play?
  A trombone.
• Why don't
  skeletons like parties?
  They have no body to dance with.
• Why did the mummy call the doctor?
  Because her baby was coffin.

Funny Pumpkin Pictures

Pumpkin Ghost Rider
based on 'The Legend of Sleepy Hollow'

'The Legend of Sleepy Hollow' (1820) has spawned generations of headless
horseman with pumpkins at Halloween.  As you can imagine from the above
picture, the story tells of a suitor being killed by a headless horseman.

Halloween Pumpkin Choir

A Scary Coven of Pumpkins (13)

Lovely Pumpkin Wall Lanterns

See how to make a Jack-o-Lantern »

Footnote:
Please send us your favourite pumpkin jokes.