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Funny Medical Jokes (On this page)
What should you give a man who has everything? Penicillin.
FramedAn old gentleman, whose name was Anil, thought his eyesight was deteriorating, so he decided to go to see an optometrist and have them tested. Corinne, the optometrist, speaks to Anil, saying, 'All right, let's check you out. You sit down here on this stool. You put your right hand over your right eye and read that chart on the wall over there.' Anil puts his left hand over his left eye. The optometrist says, 'No, no, no. Put your right hand over your right eye.' Poor old Anil puts both hands over both eyes. Corinne is, by now, becoming annoyed. Anil continues to do things badly and Corinne becomes angry and says, 'All right, I'll fix you!' she mutters. She takes a paper bag out of the cupboard, cuts one hole in it, puts it over Anil's head, and demands, 'Now, read that chart!' Anil reads it perfectly. The optometrist takes the bag off, and Anil begins to cry like a baby. Corinne then barks, 'Now, what's the matter with you?' 'Well,' sobbed Anil, 'when I first came in here, I had my heart set on wire frames.'
New Will to LiveAn elderly gentleman named Morris had had considerable hearing problems for a number of years. Naturally, Morris went to his doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that enabled Morris to hear perfectly. Morris returned in a month to the doctor for his check up and was told, 'Morris, your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' Morris grinned, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times, already.'
The DiagnosisPeter, an 82 year-old man, went to see Doctor Lucan to have a full physical check-up. A few days later, Dr Lucan saw Peter walking through the village with a stunning young woman on his arm. The doctor turned to Peter and spoke quietly, but clearly, 'You're really doing well, aren't you?' Peter smiled happily, 'Oh yes, but I'm only doing what you said, Doc, "Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." ' Dr Lucan grimaced and retorted, 'I didn't say that, Peter. I said, "You've got a heart murmur; be careful." '
Funny Medical Jokes (Snippets from other pages)
Funny Doctor QuoteThe best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to just know. Will Rogers
Patient CareAn element of the admission procedure in the hospital where Doctor Tim Westwood worked, was to ask the new patients if they suffered from any allergies. If they did, Tim got it printed on a special 'allergy band' which was then placed on the patient's wrist as a reference for all other hospital employees. On one particular occasion Tim asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies. The old dear responded by saying that she was unable to eat bananas. Tim received a considerable surprise later in the day when a very irate son came out of the ward demanding, 'Who's responsible for labelling my mother 'bananas'?'
That Killed Him - Heartbreaking Tale
What did the doctor mean by 'That killed him?'See the heartbreaking story on video. Check-out what actually happened
Choosing the Right Dental FillingA little boy called Josh was taken to the dentist. Examination revealed that Josh had a cavity, which needed filling. 'Now, young man,' asked the dentist, 'what kind of filling would you like for that tooth, amalgam or composite, ?' 'I would prefer chocolate, please,' replied Josh.
Guy's Own Medical Stories (Factual rather than funny)Sadness depresses the immune system as well as the mood. Happiness acts in the opposite way. Therefore being healthy sure beats being unhealthy. In fact, happiness and health are a two-way causal street.
- How I Cope with RSI (Repetitive Strain Injury)
- Guy's Battle with Gallstones