Irish Jokes

The first section are one-liners while the second section are funny short
stories.  Enjoy a good Irish Joke
with Will and Guy.

• a href="#Short_Irish_Jokes_-_One_liners_">Short Irish
  Jokes - One liners
• Funny Short Stories (Non
  Irish!)
• Funny Irish jokes
• Our Longest Short Story
• Funny Short Irish Stories
• A
  Collection of Short Irish Jokes
• Readers' Irish
  Jokes

Short Irish
Jokes - One-liners

i) The Irish attempt at scaling Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding.

ii) The Doctor was puzzled 'I'm very sorry Mr O'Flaherty, but I can't
diagnose your trouble. I think it must be drink.'

'Don't
worry about it Dr Cullen, I'll come back when you're sober.'

said O'
Flaherty.

More Examples of a Funny Irish One-Liners

• Where were you going when I saw you coming back?
• I ran after you, but when I caught up to you you'd gone.
• 'What's wrong with Murphy?' asked Father Green. 'I don't know, Father. Yesterday
  he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,' said Mrs Murphy.
• 'How far is it to the next village?' asked the American tourist. 'It's
  about seven miles,' guessed the farmer. 'But it's only five if you run!'
• 'I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world,' moaned Betty McGrath. 'I bought
  a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.'
• 'I'd like some nails,' Mick requested of the ravelling tinker. 'How long would
  you like them?' asked the man. 'Forever, if that's all right with you,' said
  Mick.
• 'The baby is just like his father,' said Mary Quinn. 'But at least he's
  got his health!'
• 'I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one!'

Things that only the illogical Irish would say:

1. 'You three are a right pair if ever I saw one!'
2. 'How come every time you ring a wrong number it's never engaged?'
3. 'Spread out in a bunch.'
4. 'Hello, Mary, how's your new false teeth?' asked Bridget. 'I'm leaving them out
   till I get used to them!' said Mary.
5. See many more Irish Jokes - One Liners

Funny Irish Jokes - Will and Guy's Favourite
Short Irish Yarns

Will and Guy take the view that the equivalent of an 'Irish joke' has existed
since the dawn of times.  It's as though every culture has independently
developed this genre for spinning yarns and telling jokes.  Even Belgium,
not a country noted for its humour has 'Walloon Jokes'.

Digging a Hole

A passer-by watched two Irishmen in a park. One was
digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again.

'Tell me, 'said the passer-by, 'What on earth are you doing?'

'Well, 'said the digger, 'Usually there are three of us. I dig,
Fergal plants the tree and Sean fills in the hole.

Today Fergal is away unwell, but that doesn't
mean Sean and I have to take the day off, does it?'

Two Irishman
Meet a Suisse Tourist

A Swiss man, on holiday in Dublin, needed directions. He was standing outside Davy Byrne's
pub when he saw two youths walking by so he stops them and asks,  'Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?'

The two lads look at each other blankly and stare back at him.

'Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français?'
He tries.

The two continue to stare.

'Parlare Italiano?'
Still absolutely no response from
the two lads.

'Hablan ustedes Espanol?'
The Dublin lads remain totally silent.

The Swiss guy walks off extremely
disappointed and downhearted that he had not been understood.  One of
the boys turns to the second and says, 'Y'know, maybe we should learn a
foreign language!'

'Why?' says the youth, 'That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do
him any good!'

O'Shaughnessy Needs Time Off - Irish Humour at its Best

Soon after
O'Shaughnessy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office.

When O'Shaughnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news.'
To be shure it was, Boss, 'he replied, 'I just found out from Ireland that my
mother died earlier this morning.'

'Gosh, that's awful, 'replied the foreman, 'Do you want the rest of the
day off?'

'No, 'replied O'Shaughnessy. '
I'll finish the day out.'

About an hour later, the foreman returned
to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the office. This time when
O'Shaughnessy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright.

'Bejeezuz Boss, its even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother
died today too!'

Funny Short Irish Stories

Of all countries, Ireland probably has the richest seam of story tellers,
here are some good examples of their tall stories.

Preamble, Murphy Arrives in America

Paddy Murphy arrived at Boston's Logon airport and wandered about the
terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.  An Texan asked him if he was homesick.

'No,' replied the Irishman. 'It's worse, I have I've lost all me luggage.'

'That's terrible, how did that happen?'

'The cork fell out of me bottle', said Paddy.

Texan Visits Galway

The Texan paid a visit to
Galway, Ireland.  I enters a pub and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, 'I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll
give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of
Guinness back to back.'

The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's
offer.

Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he
shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.  Is your bet still good?'
asks Paddy.

The Texan answers, 'Yes, 'and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately, Paddy downs all
10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back.  The other pub patrons
cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the
$500 and asks, 'If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30
minutes you were gone?'

Paddy Murphy replies, 'Oh................... I had to go to the pub down
the street to see if I could do it first.'

Our Longest Short Story

Murphy and O'Brien go out into the woods, they come a clearing and see an
abandoned well.

Murphy said 'I wonder how deep that well is?'
O'Brien said, 'There's
one way we could figure it out'.

Murphy says, 'What's that?'
O'Brien says, 'We drop something down it,
we time how long it takes to hit the bottom, you multiply that time 32 feet
per second squared, the rate at which objects fall in a vacuum, subtract a
little for wind resistance and we've got the depth of the well'.

Murphy says, ' What are you going to drop down it?'  Then O'Brien
looked all around and he saw this big heavy log lying on the ground.
Next he squats down by the log and, using his legs correctly, he gets it up
onto his shoulders and staggers over to the edge of the well, tips it up,
drops it into the well and they start to count, 'One hippopotamus, two
hippopotamus, three .................... '

SPLASH!!!!

Murphy said, 'Three seconds!'
O'Brien said, 'Quick, multiply that time
32 feet per second squared!'
'288 feet!', Murphy said. 'Subtract a little
for wind resistance, let's say 18 feet. The depth of that well is 270 feet
deep'.

As he finished the calculation Murphy shouts, 'LOOK OUT!!' and he pushed
O'Brien backwards and a goat ran between them and jumped head first down the
well.
Murphy said, 'My God, I've never seen anything like that'.

Just then a farmer walks into the clearing and said, 'What's going on
here boys?'
O'Brien says, 'We just figured out the depth of this well to
be about 270 feet deep and then the strangest thing happened. A goat ran
between the two of us and jumped head first down into the well.'

The farmer says, 'Thank heaven it wasn't one of my goats.'
Murphy
says, 'How do you know it wasn't?'
And the farmer says, 'Because all of
my goats are tethered to big heavy logs.'

Footnote:
This Irish story was kindly sent in by
Jason Stevenson

More Clean, Yet Funny Irish Jokes

Catholic Dog - Irish Story

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.  One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be
saying' A mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.
Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think *€5,000 is enough
to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary and Joseph. Why didn't ya tell me
the dog was Catholic?'

* € or Euro converts to an American dollar, more or
less, to the nearest approximation.

Englishman, Frenchman and Irishman - A Classic Irish Joke

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were in a pub talking about their
children.

'My son was born on St George's Day, 'remarked the Englishman,
'So we obviously decided to call him George.'

'That's a real coincidence, 'observed the Frenchman, 'My daughter was born on
Valentine's Day, so we decided to call her Valentine.'

'That's really incredible, 'drawled the Irishman, 'Exactly the same
thing happened with my son Pancake.'
See more pancake jokes.

Donation - Irish Story

Father O' Malley answers the phone.

'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is'

'This is the Inland Revenue Service, income tax department.
Can you help us?'

'I can.'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do'

'Is he a member of your congregation?' He is'

'Did he
donate €10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

See more good jokes

Could be Worse

I first met O'Reilly when I was in St Peter's Hospital, Chertsey, England. He
was in the same ward as me and was lying, quite still, in the bed next to me
when I awoke early on that Friday morning.

I was taken aback because he was swathed in bandages from head to toe, with
just two little slits for his eyes and this made it difficult to engage him in
conversation.

However, later that same day, his best friend, Dermot Callaghan, came in to
visit O'Reilly and I listened in to their conversation which went as follows:

'What happened to you?' asked Callaghan.

'I staggered out of The Invincible pub, in Shepperton Road, and a lorry hit
me a glancing blow and knocked me through the Co-op's plate glass window,'
mumbled O'Reilly.'

'Begorrah,' exclaimed Callaghan in his broad Munster accent, 'It's a good job
you were wearing all those bandages or you'd have been cut to ribbons!'

The Fame of Red Adair (Overheard by Denis)

At the height of the gulf wars, the expertise of Red Adair (that well known
fire fighter) was called upon to go out to the gulf and put out the oil rig
fires.

On his way his plane landed in Ireland for an overnight stop so Red took
advantage to visit the local bar for a pint of the black stuff. On entering the
bar two old Irish boys witnessed him walk in and one said to the other. 'Isn't
that Red Adair'?  The other replied, 'No'.

The old boy then said, 'I'm sure it is and I'm so sure that I will bet you a
pint if I am wrong'. The doubting one said, 'Ok' and they both went over to Red
and the one said, 'Are you Red Adair'?  To which Red said he was.

The doubting Irishman said, 'Are you still dancing with Ginger Rogers'?

Two Heads are Better Than One

An American tourist travelling in County Clare,
Ireland came across a little antique shop in which he
was lucky enough to pick up, for a mere 200 Irish punts ($350), the skull of Brian Boru*.

Included in the price was a certificate of the skull's
authenticity, signed by Brian Boru himself.

Fifteen
years later the tourist returned to Ireland and asked the man from Clare, who owned the antique shop, if he had any more bargains.

'I've got the very thing for you, 'said the shopkeeper, 'It's the
genuine skull of Brian Boru.'

'You cheat, 'exploded the American, 'You sold me that fifteen years ago,
'and producing the skull added loudly, 'Look, they're not even the same
size.'

'You have got it wrong, 'opined the seller, '
This is the skull of Brian Boru when he was a lad.'

* Brian Boru (940 to 1014) managed the rare feat of uniting Ireland.  In a turning point in the war with the Vikings,
Brian Boru defeated the Viking leader Ivar in single combat.  Not only was Brian successful in battle, but he also had at least 4 wives and founded the O'
Brien clan.

Paddy Counts His Rabbits

Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went and took the Irish accountancy exam.

Examiner: If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?
Paddy:
Five.

Examiner: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Five.

Examiner: Let's
try this another way. If
I give you two bottles of beer and then I give you another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?

Paddy: Four.

Examiner: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy:
Five.

Examiner: How on earth do you work out that two lots of two rabbits is five?
Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home!

A Collection of Short Irish Jokes Kindly Sent in by Maggie Nutt

1. An American lawyer inquired, 'Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask
   an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?'
   'Who told
   you that?' asked Paddy.
2. An Irish lass, a customer: 'Could I be trying on that dress in the
   window?'
   Shopkeeper: 'I'd prefer that you use the dressing room.'
3. Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin'
   in the vase on the mantel piece?'
   'No,' said himself, 'but I'm
   gettin' closer all the time.'
4. 'O'Halloran,' asked the pharmacist, 'did that mudpack I gave you
   improve your wife's appearance?'
   'It did surely,' replied O'Halloran,
   'but it keeps fallin' off.'

Funny Irish Jokes
Kindly Sent by Readers

It's an Irish Puzzle

Doolin bought himself a jigsaw puzzle with 20 pieces. It took him a month to
fit the pieces together correctly. He thought this was terrific, but his mate
O'Reilly said, 'What's the big deal?'

Doolin said,' Well it said on the box: 4 to 6 years.'

The Last Word

I met a man the other day named Flanagan and I said, 'You're a happy man.'
He said, 'I am.'

I said, 'Why?'

'Well,' he said, 'the Income Tax people have been after me for 20 years,
driving me mad, to get money out of me, driving me crazy with worry. But, this
morning I got a letter from them and it said: FINAL NOTICE.'

'Thank God,' he said, 'I won't be hearing from them again.'

Fair Verdict
In an Irish courtroom 12 men sat on the jury.  After the trial, the Judge asked for their verdict.
'We find the man who stole the horse "Not Guilty",' said the foreman of the jury.

Thanks to Roberta for sending in these classic Irish jokes.

Footnote:
Please write to Will and Guy if you have a funny Irish joke.