The first section are one-liners while the second section are funny short stories. Enjoy a good Irish Joke with Will and Guy.
- Short Irish Jokes - One liners
- Funny Short Stories (Non Irish!)
- Funny Irish jokes
- Our Longest Short Story
- Funny Short Irish Stories
- A Collection of Short Irish Jokes
- Readers' Irish Jokes
More Examples of a Funny Irish One-Liners
- Where were you going when I saw you coming back?
- I ran after you, but when I caught up to you you'd gone.
- 'What's wrong with Murphy?' asked Father Green. 'I don't know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,' said Mrs Murphy.
- 'How far is it to the next village?' asked the American tourist. 'It's about seven miles,' guessed the farmer. 'But it's only five if you run!'
- 'I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world,' moaned Betty McGrath. 'I bought a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.'
- 'I'd like some nails,' Mick requested of the ravelling tinker. 'How long would you like them?' asked the man. 'Forever, if that's all right with you,' said Mick.
- 'The baby is just like his father,' said Mary Quinn. 'But at least he's got his health!'
- 'I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one!'
- 'You three are a right pair if ever I saw one!'
- 'How come every time you ring a wrong number it's never engaged?'
- 'Spread out in a bunch.'
- 'Hello, Mary, how's your new false teeth?' asked Bridget. 'I'm leaving them out till I get used to them!' said Mary.
- See many more Irish Jokes - One Liners
Two Irishman Meet a Suisse TouristA Swiss man, on holiday in Dublin, needed directions. He was standing outside Davy Byrne's pub when he saw two youths walking by so he stops them and asks, 'Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?' The two lads look at each other blankly and stare back at him. 'Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français?' He tries. The two continue to stare. 'Parlare Italiano?' Still absolutely no response from the two lads. 'Hablan ustedes Espanol?' The Dublin lads remain totally silent. The Swiss guy walks off extremely disappointed and downhearted that he had not been understood. One of the boys turns to the second and says, 'Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language!' 'Why?' says the youth, 'That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good!'
O'Shaughnessy Needs Time Off - Irish Humour at its BestSoon after O'Shaughnessy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office. When O'Shaughnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news.' To be shure it was, Boss, 'he replied, 'I just found out from Ireland that my mother died earlier this morning.' 'Gosh, that's awful, 'replied the foreman, 'Do you want the rest of the day off?' 'No, 'replied O'Shaughnessy. ' I'll finish the day out.' About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the office. This time when O'Shaughnessy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright. 'Bejeezuz Boss, its even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died today too!'
Preamble, Murphy Arrives in AmericaPaddy Murphy arrived at Boston's Logon airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An Texan asked him if he was homesick. 'No,' replied the Irishman. 'It's worse, I have I've lost all me luggage.' 'That's terrible, how did that happen?' 'The cork fell out of me bottle', said Paddy.
Texan Visits GalwayThe Texan paid a visit to Galway, Ireland. I enters a pub and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, 'I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back.' The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good?' asks Paddy. The Texan answers, 'Yes, 'and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, 'If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?' Paddy Murphy replies, 'Oh................... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.'
More Clean, Yet Funny Irish Jokes
Catholic Dog - Irish StoryMuldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' A mass for the poor creature?' Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.' Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think *€5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?' Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary and Joseph. Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?' * € or Euro converts to an American dollar, more or less, to the nearest approximation.
Englishman, Frenchman and Irishman - A Classic Irish JokeAn Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were in a pub talking about their children. 'My son was born on St George's Day, 'remarked the Englishman, 'So we obviously decided to call him George.' 'That's a real coincidence, 'observed the Frenchman, 'My daughter was born on Valentine's Day, so we decided to call her Valentine.' 'That's really incredible, 'drawled the Irishman, 'Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.' See more pancake jokes.
Donation - Irish StoryFather O' Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?' 'It is' 'This is the Inland Revenue Service, income tax department. Can you help us?' 'I can.' 'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?' 'I do' 'Is he a member of your congregation?' He is' 'Did he donate €10,000 to the church?' 'He will.'
See more good jokes
The Fame of Red Adair (Overheard by Denis)At the height of the gulf wars, the expertise of Red Adair (that well known fire fighter) was called upon to go out to the gulf and put out the oil rig fires. On his way his plane landed in Ireland for an overnight stop so Red took advantage to visit the local bar for a pint of the black stuff. On entering the bar two old Irish boys witnessed him walk in and one said to the other. 'Isn't that Red Adair'? The other replied, 'No'. The old boy then said, 'I'm sure it is and I'm so sure that I will bet you a pint if I am wrong'. The doubting one said, 'Ok' and they both went over to Red and the one said, 'Are you Red Adair'? To which Red said he was. The doubting Irishman said, 'Are you still dancing with Ginger Rogers'?
Two Heads are Better Than OneAn American tourist travelling in County Clare, Ireland came across a little antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up, for a mere 200 Irish punts ($350), the skull of Brian Boru*. Included in the price was a certificate of the skull's authenticity, signed by Brian Boru himself. Fifteen years later the tourist returned to Ireland and asked the man from Clare, who owned the antique shop, if he had any more bargains. 'I've got the very thing for you, 'said the shopkeeper, 'It's the genuine skull of Brian Boru.' 'You cheat, 'exploded the American, 'You sold me that fifteen years ago, 'and producing the skull added loudly, 'Look, they're not even the same size.' 'You have got it wrong, 'opined the seller, ' This is the skull of Brian Boru when he was a lad.' * Brian Boru (940 to 1014) managed the rare feat of uniting Ireland. In a turning point in the war with the Vikings, Brian Boru defeated the Viking leader Ivar in single combat. Not only was Brian successful in battle, but he also had at least 4 wives and founded the O' Brien clan.
Paddy Counts His RabbitsPaddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went and took the Irish accountancy exam. Examiner: If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have? Paddy: Five. Examiner: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Paddy: Five. Examiner: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer and then I give you another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got? Paddy: Four. Examiner: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Paddy: Five. Examiner: How on earth do you work out that two lots of two rabbits is five? Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home!
- An American lawyer inquired, 'Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?' 'Who told you that?' asked Paddy.
- An Irish lass, a customer: 'Could I be trying on that dress in the window?' Shopkeeper: 'I'd prefer that you use the dressing room.'
- Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantel piece?' 'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.'
- 'O'Halloran,' asked the pharmacist, 'did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?' 'It did surely,' replied O'Halloran, 'but it keeps fallin' off.'
Joke of the Day Email
Get a clean joke delivered to your inbox every day, no strings attached, just part of our service. Free subscription to our Funny Joke of the Day email.
We have over 1,500 pages of funny pictures, clean jokes, stories and amusing videos. Please use the Search below to find a topic of particular interest:
Thought of the Day Subscription
Our offer is to email you an inspirational 'Thought of the day'. Your subscription is completely free of cost and there are no adverts. Sign up for our 'Thought of the Day'.