Funny Drinking Stories, Jokes and Amusing Pictures


Funny Drinking Jokes


Funny Beer Adverts and PicturesFunny Drinking Stories

Selection of Funny Drinking Stories

Raffle Winner

'Tell me, Ronan, how did you manage to get so very drunk last night?' asked the parish priest.
'Well you
see, Father, it was like this. I got into very bad company after winning a bottle of whiskey at a raffle.'

'But you were with Mick McGahey, Ryan O'Toole, and Patrick McCann and they don't drink.'

what I mean, Father...'

Driving Test

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.  On your left hand side there is a valley and on your right hand side there is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.Flying Pig

In front of you there is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you there is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get off the merry-go-round - you're drunk!

Drinking LessonDrink Beer - Trivia

Will was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of
whisky. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whisky curled up and died.

'All right, son', asked Will, 'what does that show you?'

'Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have

Blow Up Pub - Yours
For Only £27K GBP

Inflatable Boozer For Your Garden [$40,600 USD]

Inflatable Pub

An inflatable version of the traditional-looking British pub has gone
on sale for people to install in their garden. The inflatable boozer,
which measures 15m by 7.5m and is 8m tall, includes details such as a
tiled roof, brick stone wall and two chimney pots.

Inside there's a welcoming fire place feature and enough room for about
fifty drinkers with a fully stocked bar. A spokesperson for DrinkStuff,
which sells the boozer online, informed Will and Guy, 'We British love a
traditional public house, propping up the bar with a pint of English ale,
but you've probably never had a drink in a pub like this.'

Hilarious, Funny Irish Drinking Tale

It was late one Saturday night, when the local Garda spied Timothy
O'Carroll driving in quite a meandering fashion along the streets of
County Cork. After pulling him over, the policeman asked O'Carroll if he
had been drinking that night.

'Who told on me?' asked Timothy. 'Well, so I have, occifer. So I have,'
continued the thoroughly drunk O'Carroll. 'It's Saturday night, you know.
Me and me lads, we made a stop by the pub, but I only had six or seven
pints, that's all. But then they had somethin' called "Happy Hour" during
which they served these delicious margaritos, or margaritas? Anyway they
are quite good. I had five of those. Then I had promised to drive
O'Callaghan, me friend, home, and he invited me in. Well, I had to go in
for a couple pints of Guinness. I really couldn't be rude, now occifer,
Could I? Of course, on the way home I stopped to get another pint for

At that point Timothy began fumbling around inside his coat and
suddenly lifted up a bottle of whiskey for the Garda to inspect.

The policeman gave a deep sigh, saying, 'Sir, you will need to step out
of the vehicle to take a breathalyser.'

Indignantly, O'Carroll replied, 'Why, don't you believe me?'

Selection of Funny Drinking Jokes and Amusing Pictures

Funny Beer TriviaFunny Drinking Jokes

  • In English pubs, ale is
    ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got
    unruly, the bartender would yell at them to:
    Mind their own pints and
    quarts and settle down.  This is where we get the phrase: 'mind your P's and
  • The three most common pub
    names are in the UK are: The Red Lion; The Crown; The Royal Oak. It is a
    sad fact, say Will and Guy, that as pubs are taken over more and more by
    the conglomerates that pub signs are diminishing and pubs are getting
    generic names like 'The Slug and Lettuce' which is a large chain.
  • In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the
    navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called
    Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool *grogram coats he wore.
    The term 'grog' soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When
    you were drunk on this grog, you were 'groggy', a word still in use

    * Grogram: A
    coarse, often stiffened fabric made of silk, mohair, wool, or a blend of

  • A beer lover or enthusiast is called a cerevisaphile.
  • Collect beer
    mats is called tegestology.
  • The oldest brewery in the United States is supposedly Yuengling in
    Pottsville, Pennsylvania - founded in 1829.
  • Beer Ads on television started in the 1940s.  One of the
    first cheeky / funny beer ads was Carling's: 'Hey Mabel--Black
    Label'.  The ad ran for 20 years from 1951 at the end of the
    advert the barmaid winked at the audience as she responded to: 'Hey
    Mabel--Black Label'.

Bad Beat
- Classic Drinking Joke

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in Monaghan's
flat in Dungarvan when Sean O'Toole loses €700 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen
brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael Lennon looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Sean's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws.
Cavan Colquhoun picks
the short one. They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse.'
Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.' announces Cavan.

He goes over to O'Toole's
house and knocks on the door.
Brenda O'Toole answers and asks what he wants. Cavan declares: 'Your
husband just lost €700 and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!'
snarls Brenda.'
I'll go tell him.' says Cavan.

Drinking Pictures

Will On His Way to the Bottle Bank

Will drives to bottle bank
Will drives to bottle bank

The Cost of Drinking

Lady Interviewer: Do you drink?
Man: Yes

Lady Interviewer: How much a day?
Around 1/2 a bottle of whisky.

Lady Interviewer: How much does whisky cost?

Roughly $30.00.

Lady Interviewer: How long have you been drinking like
Man: 30 years

Lady Interviewer: That means you have spent roughly
$150,000 on booze.
Man: OK

Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you
did not drink you could have bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?
Lady Interviewer: No

Man: So where is your Ferrari?

Don't Drink and Drive

Don't Drink and Drive - Funny Picture

More Funny Drinking StoriesFunny Wine Machine

Wine From A Machine: Only in the USA!

The French probably won't like it but the Americans have invented a new
way to sell their wines say Will and Guy. Shoppers in the US state of
Pennsylvania, have been given the chance to buy their favourite tipple
from a wine vending machine. The state has some of the strictest alcohol
laws in the country and until now wine has only been sold at state-owned

The machines checks not only the buyer's identification for proof of
age but also includes a built-in breathalyser to test sobriety.

A few machines are being tested at supermarkets before more are placed
Will and Guy have learned.

How To Feel Intoxicated
Without DrinkingHow to feel Intoxicated Without Drinking

A New Craze For Gin Mist Sweeps London: Another funny alcohol story Will
and Guy

Should you find yourself in London and fancy a swift G and T [Gin and
Tonic] why not pop into the temporary bar which has been named "Alcoholic
Architecture" and can be found in Newburgh, West London.

You will have to don protective clothing [see photo] for your 40 minute
sojourn, to stop your clothes smelling like a distillery when you leave.

As you enter the bar you will be encouraged to breathe sensibly as the
air is permeated with an intoxicating mist of gin and tonic. The bar is
decorated with giant limes and massive straws, with a soundtrack of drinks
being poured onto ice to make visitors feel as if they are inside the drink.

Sam Bompas and Harry Parr, the inventors of this system and *others, are
always striving to give people an epic experience of food and cocktails, and
they have carefully calculated the "mixology" of alcohol vapour in the air
to give you a slightly merry buzz as the large grins on the faces of people
leaving the bar clearly show.

Tickets are £5 [$7 USD] and can be bought by anyone 21 and over.

*Other systems from these two include scratch and sniff cinema where
aromas are micro-encapsulated and printed onto special scratch 'n' sniff
cards for everyone in the audience and jelly banquets.

Ten Funny, Clean Pub Shorts: Tell
Them in Your Bar Tonight

  1. You'll be delighted to know, readers that alcohol does not make you
    fat. Will and Guy have discovered that it makes you lean: against
    tables, chairs, floors, walls and people.
  2. Perhaps the biggest drunk we've ever met was the fellow who saw the
    billboard that read, "Drink Canada Dry."  He went there and tried to do
  3. A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle,
    and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and
    says, 'I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell.'  The
    man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, 'Oh no, I'm on the wrong bus, I
    wanted to go to Baltimore.'
  4. Remember, an alcoholic and a drunk are not the same thing at all.
    The alcoholic has to attend meetings.
  5. Ever hear the expression "hard drinker"?  Never made much sense to
    me, drinking's one of the easiest things in the world to do.
  6. Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.
  7. A drunk is brought in front of the judge.
    The judge says, 'You've
    been brought here for drinking.'
    The drunk says, 'Okay, let's get
    Memory Loss
  8. Richard comes home from a night of drinking. As he stumbles through
    the front door, his wife snaps at him, 'What's the big idea coming home
    half drunk?' Richard replies, slurring, 'I'm sorry honey. I ran out of
  9. Many things can be preserved in alcohol.  Dignity is not one of them.
  10. An amnesiac walks into an inn and asks the barman, 'Do I come here

Doh Ray Me Beer: A Funny, Silly, Song
Brought to you courtesy of Homer
J. Simpson

Dough: The stuff I need to buy me beer
Ray: The feller who sells me

Me: The guy who drinks the beer

Far: The distance to my beer

So: I think I'll have a beer

La: La la la la la la beer
Tea: No thanks, I'm drinking beer

That will bring us back to: [Looking into his empty glass] Doh!

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