'Tell me, Ronan, how did you manage to get so very drunk last night?' asked the parish priest.
see, Father, it was like this. I got into very bad company after winning a bottle of whiskey at a raffle.'
'But you were with Mick McGahey, Ryan O'Toole, and Patrick McCann and they don't drink.'
what I mean, Father...'
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left hand side there is a valley and on your right hand side there is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you there is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you there is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get off the merry-go-round - you're drunk!
Will was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of
whisky. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whisky curled up and died.
'All right, son', asked Will, 'what does that show you?'
'Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have
Blow Up Pub - Yours
For Only £27K GBP
Inflatable Boozer For Your Garden [$40,600 USD]
An inflatable version of the traditional-looking British pub has gone
on sale for people to install in their garden. The inflatable boozer,
which measures 15m by 7.5m and is 8m tall, includes details such as a
tiled roof, brick stone wall and two chimney pots.
Inside there's a welcoming fire place feature and enough room for about
fifty drinkers with a fully stocked bar. A spokesperson for DrinkStuff,
which sells the boozer online, informed Will and Guy, 'We British love a
traditional public house, propping up the bar with a pint of English ale,
but you've probably never had a drink in a pub like this.'
Hilarious, Funny Irish Drinking Tale
It was late one Saturday night, when the local Garda spied Timothy
O'Carroll driving in quite a meandering fashion along the streets of
County Cork. After pulling him over, the policeman asked O'Carroll if he
had been drinking that night.
'Who told on me?' asked Timothy. 'Well, so I have, occifer. So I have,'
continued the thoroughly drunk O'Carroll. 'It's Saturday night, you know.
Me and me lads, we made a stop by the pub, but I only had six or seven
pints, that's all. But then they had somethin' called "Happy Hour" during
which they served these delicious margaritos, or margaritas? Anyway they
are quite good. I had four...no five of those. Then I had promised to drive
O'Callaghan, me friend, home, and he invited me in. Well, I had to go in
for a couple pints of Guinness. I really couldn't be rude, now occifer,
Could I? Of course, on the way home I stopped to get another pint for
At that point Timothy began fumbling around inside his coat and
suddenly lifted up a bottle of whiskey for the Garda to inspect.
The policeman gave a deep sigh, saying, 'Sir, you will need to step out
of the vehicle to take a breathalyser.'
Indignantly, O'Carroll replied, 'Why, don't you believe me?'
Selection of Funny Drinking Jokes and Amusing Pictures
Funny Beer Trivia
In English pubs, ale is
ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got
unruly, the bartender would yell at them to:
Mind their own pints and
quarts and settle down. This is where we get the phrase: 'mind your P's and
The three most common pub
names are in the UK are: The Red Lion; The Crown; The Royal Oak. It is a
sad fact, say Will and Guy, that as pubs are taken over more and more by
the conglomerates that pub signs are diminishing and pubs are getting
generic names like 'The Slug and Lettuce' which is a large chain.
In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the
navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called
Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool *grogram coats he wore.
The term 'grog' soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When
you were drunk on this grog, you were 'groggy', a word still in use
* Grogram: A
coarse, often stiffened fabric made of silk, mohair, wool, or a blend of
A beer lover or enthusiast is called a cerevisaphile.
mats is called tegestology.
The oldest brewery in the United States is supposedly Yuengling in
Pottsville, Pennsylvania - founded in 1829.
Beer Ads on television started in the 1940s. One of the
first cheeky / funny beer ads was Carling's: 'Hey Mabel--Black
Label'. The ad ran for 20 years from 1951 at the end of the
advert the barmaid winked at the audience as she responded to: 'Hey
- Classic Drinking Joke
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in Monaghan's
flat in Dungarvan when Sean O'Toole loses €700 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen
brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael Lennon looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Sean's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws.
Cavan Colquhoun picks
the short one. They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse.'
Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.' announces Cavan.
He goes over to O'Toole's
house and knocks on the door.
Brenda O'Toole answers and asks what he wants. Cavan declares: 'Your
husband just lost €700 and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!'
I'll go tell him.' says Cavan.
Will On His Way to the Bottle Bank
The Cost of Drinking
Lady Interviewer: Do you drink?
Lady Interviewer: How much a day?
Around 1/2 a bottle of whisky.
Lady Interviewer: How much does whisky cost?
Man: Roughly $30.00.
Lady Interviewer: How long have you been drinking like
Man: 30 years
Lady Interviewer: That means you have spent roughly
$150,000 on booze.
Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you
did not drink you could have bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady Interviewer: No
Man: So where is your Ferrari?
Don't Drink and Drive
More Funny Drinking Stories
Wine From A Machine: Only in the USA!
The French probably won't like it but the Americans have invented a new
way to sell their wines say Will and Guy. Shoppers in the US state of
Pennsylvania, have been given the chance to buy their favourite tipple
from a wine vending machine. The state has some of the strictest alcohol
laws in the country and until now wine has only been sold at state-owned
The machines checks not only the buyer's identification for proof of
age but also includes a built-in breathalyser to test sobriety.
A few machines are being tested at supermarkets before more are placed
Will and Guy have learned.
How To Feel Intoxicated
A New Craze For Gin Mist Sweeps London: Another funny alcohol story Will
Should you find yourself in London and fancy a swift G and T [Gin and
Tonic] why not pop into the temporary bar which has been named "Alcoholic
Architecture" and can be found in Newburgh, West London.
You will have to don protective clothing [see photo] for your 40 minute
sojourn, to stop your clothes smelling like a distillery when you leave.
As you enter the bar you will be encouraged to breathe sensibly as the
air is permeated with an intoxicating mist of gin and tonic. The bar is
decorated with giant limes and massive straws, with a soundtrack of drinks
being poured onto ice to make visitors feel as if they are inside the drink.
Sam Bompas and Harry Parr, the inventors of this system and *others, are
always striving to give people an epic experience of food and cocktails, and
they have carefully calculated the "mixology" of alcohol vapour in the air
to give you a slightly merry buzz as the large grins on the faces of people
leaving the bar clearly show.
Tickets are £5 [$7 USD] and can be bought by anyone 21 and over.
*Other systems from these two include scratch and sniff cinema where
aromas are micro-encapsulated and printed onto special scratch 'n' sniff
cards for everyone in the audience and jelly banquets.
Ten Funny, Clean Pub Shorts: Tell
Them in Your Bar Tonight
You'll be delighted to know, readers that alcohol does not make you
fat. Will and Guy have discovered that it makes you lean: against
tables, chairs, floors, walls and people.
Perhaps the biggest drunk we've ever met was the fellow who saw the
billboard that read, "Drink Canada Dry." He went there and tried to do
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle,
and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and
says, 'I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell.' The
man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, 'Oh no, I'm on the wrong bus, I
wanted to go to Baltimore.'
Remember, an alcoholic and a drunk are not the same thing at all.
The alcoholic has to attend meetings.
Ever hear the expression "hard drinker"? Never made much sense to
me, drinking's one of the easiest things in the world to do.
Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.
A drunk is brought in front of the judge.
The judge says, 'You've
been brought here for drinking.'
The drunk says, 'Okay, let's get
Richard comes home from a night of drinking. As he stumbles through
the front door, his wife snaps at him, 'What's the big idea coming home
half drunk?' Richard replies, slurring, 'I'm sorry honey. I ran out of
Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.
An amnesiac walks into an inn and asks the barman, 'Do I come here
Doh Ray Me Beer: A Funny, Silly, Song
Brought to you courtesy of Homer
Dough: The stuff I need to buy me beer
Ray: The feller who sells me
Me: The guy who drinks the beer
Far: The distance to my beer
So: I think I'll have a beer
La: La la la la la la beer
Tea: No thanks, I'm drinking beer
That will bring us back to: [Looking into his empty glass] Doh!
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