Funny Airline Cabin Crew Announcements

Kindly Researched by Alicia Moss

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight ‘safety lecture’ a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples of funny airline cabin crew announcements:

1. On a
Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, ‘People, people we’re not picking out
furniture here, find a seat and get in it!’

2. On a Continental Flight with a very ‘senior’ flight attendant crew, the pilot said, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be
turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.’

3. On landing, the stewardess said, ‘Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going
to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.

4.
‘There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane’

5. ‘Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed
taking you for a ride.’

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
‘Whoa, big fella. WHOA!’

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight a announced, ‘Please take care when opening the overhead
compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.’

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: ‘Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt,
insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.’

9. ‘In the
event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.’

10. ‘Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed
before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.’

11. ‘Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water
landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.’

Footnote:
Please write to Will and Guy with your Funny Airline Cabin Crew
Announcements. For Example:

1)
Daniel England wrote:
I have an addition to your plane announcements. I
was once flying into Singapore when the pilot came on, very calmly, and said:

‘Ladies and Gentlemen, I have an announcement. We are about to land in
Singapore. If you have any drugs, you will be executed.  Thank you.’

And that was it.

2) Kurt H. wrote:
I was flying Southwest Airlines one
day back in August and the flight attendant was giving the safety speech and
said, “The button over your head with the picture of a light bulb on it
turns on your light, the button with the picture of the flight attendant
does NOT turn on your flight attendant so DON’T PUSH IT!”

3) Brian Webb wrote
On an Easy Jet flight landing at
Gatwick.
‘Ladies and Gentlemen, for those who have just woken up,
‘Welcome to Hong Kong’

Aircrew Layover

A flight engineer on his first month flying the line was persuaded that
all the stories he heard about pilots and stewardesses were true and that
the term layover really meant what he thought it meant.

Returning from one layover he heard the captain tell the first officer:
“Wow! That Mary is some girl! I was in my bedroom when the phone rang. It
was Mary who said she couldn’t open her suitcase and could I help? So I went
down, opened the suitcase and she handed me a drink. Then she excused
herself and went to the bathroom. When she came out she hadn’t a stitch on.
What a night!”

A few days later the same crew repeated the flight sequence and on the
return the engineer overheard the first officer telling the captain: “You
were quite right about Mary. It happened to me last night” He proceeded to
recite the same sequence of events.

The engineer was intrigued and excited by all this and when the same crew
repeated the flight sequence he was delighted when the telephone rang and a
voice said:”Oh, I can’t get my suitcase open. Would you be kind enough to
come to my room to help me?”

It was Mary and the engineer beat the world record for sprint to her
room. In no time at all he had the case open and the grateful Mary handed
him a Scotch. She then excused herself and went into the bathroom. The
engineer was not the sort of man to waste time. He immediately undressed and
got into bed. Sure enough, about ten minutes later the bathroom door opened
and Mary came out.

She was fully clothed and followed by the rest of the crew.

Funny Airline Cabin Crew Announcement

Whatever goes on behind closed doors is a mystery to many but fun for
fellow pilots. One airline captain was never good at making passengers feel
at ease. One example is of the time that an airliner in front of him blew a
tire during the landing, scattering chunks of rubber over the entire runway.
He was asked to hold while the trucks came out to clean the runway. His
announcement:

Ladies and gentleman. I’m afraid there will be a short delay before our
arrival. They’ve closed down the airport while they clean up what’s left of
the last airplane that landed there.

See more aircrew
stories »