Will and Guy’s favourite Witticisms

The only reason you get wiser as you get older is because you don’t make the same stupid mistake twice.
Jonathan Tondee

• Pure Witticisms
• Witticisms or Wit-less?
• Oscar Wilde
  Witticisms
• Wise Words of Wisdom
• Jungle Talk

Two Dozen Pure Witticisms

1. I started out with nothing…I still have most of it.
2. Some days you’re the dog, some days the hydrant.
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don’t
   remember being absent minded.
5. If all is not lost, where is
   it?
6. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
7. If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
8. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
9. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
10. It was all so different before everything changed.
11. Nostalgia
    isn’t
    what is used to be.
12. Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.
13. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
14. I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
15. It’s
    hard to make a comeback
    when you haven’t
    been anywhere.
16. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip round the sun.
17. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.
18. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
19. Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way
    myself).
20. If you’re living on the edge, make sure you’re wearing your seat belt.
21. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
22. It’s
    not hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.
23. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
24. Old people shouldn’t
    eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.

Regarding #2.
Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics, is like
asking a lamp post how it feels about dogs. Christopher Hampton

Will and Guy’s Collection of Funny Quips, Bon Mots and Wit

• Our friend Eddie has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, Eddie
  takes something for it.
• I stayed up all night playing Texas Hold’em with a deck of tarot
  cards.  I got a royal flush and five people died.
• His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
  Mae West
• I spilled ‘Spot’ remover on my dog.  Now he’s disappeared.
• Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died.
• Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool like Jackson.
• Don’t wish ill for your enemy, plan it.
  Syrus, Maxims
  
• Guy just got lost in thought.  He found it unfamiliar
  territory.
• See more amusing
  sayings..

15 Cerebral Witticisms

1. Once you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
2. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
3. A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
4. Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
5. Shotgun wedding – a case of wife or death.
6. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
7. You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
8. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
9. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
10.  When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
11. What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead give-away.)
12. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
13. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
14. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
15. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Oscar Wilde Witticisms

Although Oscar Wilde did not invent the word ‘Witticism’, to me he is the
master of this branch of humour, for example:

• ‘I have nothing to declare but my genius.’
• ‘A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything but the value of
  nothing.’
• ‘I am not young enough to know everything.’

See more
Oscar Wilde’s Witty
Quotes

Footnote:
Please send us your favourite witticism

For Example:
Prejudice is when you see the colour before the
contents

Witticisms or Wit-less?

Key question is there an opposite of witticism?  We don’t
know the answer, but here here are a few one-liners that would be
contenders for such an anti-witticism category.

1. Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
2. Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
3. Auto repair service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.
4. No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
5. Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six months.
6. Kids Make Nutritious
   Snacks
   [Taste like chicken?]
7. Presenter: Who killed C Robin
   Wit-less Contestant: I did not know that he was dead.
8. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
9. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
10. A fool is the witticism of nature

See more wise words

Jungle Talk

Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best.

The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance.

The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength …
None in the forest dared to challenge him.

The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature.

As the trio
debated the issue, an alligator came along and swallowed them all … hawk, lion and stinker.  See more silly puns

Onomatopoeic Sounds

Onomatopoeia is figure of speech where the word sounds like the thing that it is
describing.  For example, ‘Miaow’ ‘moo’, or ‘slosh’.   Here are
examples from advertising.

• ‘Snap crackle pop.’
  Kelloggs cleverly
  use this onomatopoeia in their Rice Krispies adverts.
• ‘Plink, plink, fizz, fizz’.
  Alka Seltzer, UK

See more
Onomatopoeic examples.