Funny Wedding Speech Jokes

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle.

Ten Clean, Funny Jokes For The MC To Tell At A Wedding

Follow the Priest
After the blessing the priest said
to the newly married couple, 'follow me up to the altar'.  When the
priest reached the inner sanctum he turned around, and was amazed to see the
bride and groom crawling to the altar on their knees.

• How To Avoid Marriage
• Inside Marriage
• The Promise of Marriage
• The Logic of
  Marriage - A Child's View
• How To Celebrate Marriage
• How To Make A
  Marriage Successful
• A Question Of
  Marriage Guidance
• Ask for Help
• Rehearse
  The Church Service: A True Story
• The Seven Ages of
  the Married Cold

Clean Jokes to Work into
Your Wedding Speech

There are stories on this page for everyone.  Whatever the bride and groom's circumstances
an MC (master of ceremonies) is sure to find a funny wedding speech joke
here.

How To Avoid Marriage

'Darling,' says Barry to his wife, Sarah, 'I invited a friend home
for supper.'

'What? Are you crazy?' Sarah splutters, 'The house is a mess, I
didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't much feel like
cooking a fancy meal.'

'I know all that,' murmurs Barry.

'Then why
did you invite a friend for supper?' explodes Sarah.

'Because the poor
fool's thinking about getting married,' concludes Barry.

Inside Marriage

Rupert and Elaine, young couple, got married and went happily on their
honeymoon.
When they got back, Elaine immediately 'phoned her mother and
her mother obviously asked, 'How was the honeymoon, dearest?'

'Oh, Ma,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic...'

Then Elaine
burst out crying. 'But, Ma, as soon as we returned home Rupert started using
the most ghastly language... saying things I've never heard before! I mean,
all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me
home.... Please Ma.'

'Calm down, Elaine!,' said her mother, 'Tell me, what could be so
awful?  What 4-letter words?'
Still sobbing, Elaine whispered, 'Oh,
Ma...words like dust, wash, cook, and iron.'

More Funny Wedding Speech Jokes

The Promise of Marriage

Molly and Peter have been married for
almost 48 years and have raised a brood of 12 children and are blessed with
23 grandchildren.

When asked the secret for staying together all that time, Molly
replies, 'Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one
to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.'

How To Celebrate Marriage

While enjoying a lunchtime pint in a Newcastle pub in the Scotswood Road,
four elderly Geordies* were discussing everything from football, the economy,
to the weather, to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their wives. One bloke turned
to the guy on his right and asked, 'Eh, Alan, aren't you and your lass
celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?'

'Sure, man, we are,' Alan
replied.

'Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate, man?'
another bloke asked.

Alan pondered this for a moment, then replied, 'For our twenty-fifth
anniversary, I took Hazel to Sunderland. Maybe for our fiftieth, I'll go
down there and get her back.'

*Geordie - is a regional
nickname for a person from the Tyneside [NE] region of England, or the name
of the dialect of English spoken by these people.

The Logic of
Marriage - A Child's View

Jack, a very young lad aged 4 years, says to his father, 'Daddy, Daddy, I
want to get married.'

His father explains, 'For that Jack, you have to have a boy and a girl.'

So Jack answers, 'I've already found a girl.'

'Who?' splutters his Dad.

'Grandma,' continues Jack happily.

'Now, let me get this straight,' his father says. 'You want to marry my
mother? ................. You can't do that.'

'I don't see why not?' Jack responds, 'You married mine!'

How To Make A Marriage
Successful

'The thrill, the excitement is gone from my marriage,' George
complains to his mate, Tony.

'Why not add some intrigue to your life and
have an affair?' suggests Tony naughtily.

'But what if my wife finds
out?' frowns George.

'Lummee, George,' explains Tony, 'this is the 21st century we live
in, mate. Go ahead and tell her about it.'

So George returns home and says, 'Poppet, I think an affair will
bring us closer together.'

'Forget it,' replies his wife. 'I've tried that - it didn't work.'

A Question Of
Marriage Guidance

Vicky, young single lady visits the local dating agency and explains,
'I'm looking for a husband. Can you please help me to find a suitable
one?'

The dating receptionist needs to find out some details so she asks, 'What are your requirements, please?'

'Well, let me see.' Vicky says, 'He needs to be fine looking, polite,
humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing
accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hours, if I don't go
out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation
and be silent when I want to rest.'

The receptionist listens politely and carefully and responds, 'I
understand. You need a television.'

Never Be Afraid to Ask
for Help

What more can Will and Guy say!  If all else fails, asking for help
will get you a laugh and buy you time.

Rehearse The Church
Service: A True Story

At a wedding ceremony at which Father Brian
Hamilton was officiating, he was seen to raise his hand in order to give the
final blessing at the end of the service.

Louise, the bride, totally
misunderstood this gesture and surprised the vicar with a high-five.

Not
wanting to exclude Mark, the groom, Father Brian also offered him a
high-five.

Father Brian was eventually able to give the blessing, this
time with the laughter of the guests ringing in his ears.

If you need any ideas for wedding
favours, see ido.co.uk.

The Seven Ages of the
Married Cold

1st year - The husband says, 'Oh, darling, I'm really
worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that
could turn into with all the strep that's been going around. I'm going to
take you right down to the private hospital and have you admitted for a
couple days of rest. I know the food is good there, and I've already spoken
to the Matron and the Hospital chef and I've paid the bill.

2nd year -
'Listen, sweetie, I don't like the sound of that cough. I've 'phoned the
doctor and he's going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don't you
just go to bed and get the rest you need? I'll bring you something to eat
when you're hungry.'

3rd year - 'Maybe you better go lie down, darling.
When you feel lousy you need the rest. I'll bring you something ; do we have
any canned soup around here anywhere?'

4th year - 'No sense wearing
yourself out when you're under the weather. When you finish those dishes and
the kids' baths and get them to bed, you ought to go straight to bed
yourself.'

5th year - 'Why don't you take a couple aspirin?'

6th year - 'You ought to gargle or something, instead of sitting
around barking like a dog.'

7th year - 'For Pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying
to give me pneumonia? You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the
supermarket.'

Footnote:
No.10 above, was kindly sent by Solly, a regular reader, who also enjoys our
Joke of the Day.

Please send us your funny wedding speech jokes.

More Examples of Wedding Humour

Thanks to readers' letters Will and Guy have collated more MC wedding
jokes, which are suitable for telling at the stag night, or the reception itself.

Wedding Hymn Sheet

The Minister noticed the bride was in distress so asked what was
wrong. She replied that she was awfully nervous and afraid she would not
remember what to do. The Minister told her that she only needed to
remember 3 things.

• First the aisle, cos that is what you'll be
  walking down.
• Secondly, the alter because that is where you will
  arrive.
• Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we
  will sing during the service.

While the bride was walking in step
with the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified
to hear her repeating these 3 words...

... Aisle, alter hymn (I'll alter
him)

Devil or Angel?

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand
still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head
and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of
him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once
again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a
car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was
instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely
missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got
married?"

Good Best Man Wedding
Speech Joke

As the last nupuals that I attened there were a priest and a minister.

When they brought the drinks round for the toast, the minister said,
'I'll have a large whisky.'

The priest commented, 'No alcohol for me I'd rather go with a scarlet
woman.'
So the minister put his drink back and murmured, 'Sorry I
didn't know there was a choice.'

Now as the best man, I don't want to offend anyone so if there is a
priest or a minister present I apologise, and if there is a scarlet
woman here: I'll meet you in the bar in 10 minutes!

Strange, True and Funny
Wedding Idea

A Romanian groom is trying to pay for his marriage by
selling advertising space on his wedding tie. Tudor Ciora, 26, from Sibiu,
has set up a website for bidders and he hopes that he'll easily pay for the
ceremony and some special presents.

Companies can pay €20* for a slot
near the top of his tie, €15 for one in the middle or just €10 to have their
name at the bottom of the tie.

*€1 = $1.35 USD

Those Wanting to
Be Married

Father Henry was planning a wedding at the close of the morning service. After the benediction Father Henry had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief
ceremony before the congregation. For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.

'Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?'  Father Henry requested.

Immediately; nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

A Five Year Old
Child's Funny View Of Weddings

Hilary, a grandmother, overhears her 5-year-old granddaughter, Mo,
playing "weddings."

As the little girl, Mo, marches the bride down the aisle, the marriage
vows went something like this: 'You have the right to remain silent,
anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an
attorney present. You may now kiss the bride.'

Five Wedding One-liners

1.  If you want your wife to listen and to pay undivided attention
   to every word you say, all you need to do is talk in your sleep.
2. Nicky: I'm a man of few words.
   Mike: I'm married, too.
3. A wedding ring may not be as tight as a tourniquet, but it
   does an equally good job of stopping circulation.
4. If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her
   way.
5. My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have
   them.

A Brief Guide to the Etiquette and Tradition of Wedding Day Speeches

The order of speeches is traditionally as follows:

The father of the bride
usually talks fondly about his daughter. As with most speeches, it is
accepted that a mixture of affectionate anecdote and humour generally works
well. He then toasts the bride and groom.

The groom speaks next and replies on behalf of himself
and his wife [in these modern times it should be remembered that more and
more brides are making their own speeches*]. He aims to thank those people
involved in helping them both in the planning of the wedding and distributes
gifts to those who are to receive more than a verbal "thank you." The groom
then may talk about his new wife before proposing a toast to the bridesmaids

*If the bride is to make a speech it should take place following the
groom's. It may seem obvious, but joint speeches should be co-ordinated well
beforehand since both will probably wish to say much the same thing.

The best man's speech now follows. He thanks the bride
and bridegroom on behalf of the bridesmaids and himself for asking them to
be part of their special day and for the gifts they have received and then
he reads out telegrams, cards, e-mails or other messages from friends and
relatives who couldn't be at the wedding. He will then go on to talk about
the groom in what can be the highlight, or in some cases lowlight, of the
wedding speeches. Humour and anecdote abound.  Finally the best man
should then propose a toast to the parents of the bride and bridegroom.
A modern trend is also for the
maid-of honor to make a speech.

Will and Guy say that if you are looking for help in preparing your
wedding
speech then please spend some time reading our carefully prepared pages.
If you find any other funny wedding speech jokes, then please send them to
us.

See more funny wedding
speeches.

Will and Guy's Five Favourite Wedding Day Shorts

1. My wife really worships me, she puts burnt offerings in
   front of me every day.
2. Each year on his wedding anniversary Patrick goes down
   to City Hall in the hope that his marriage license has expired.
3. John: Have you ever seen one of those machines that can
   tell when someone is telling a lie?Dave: Seen one? I married
   one.
4. Husband: Let's go out on the town tonight and have some
   fun.Wife: Yeah, but if you get home before me, remember to leave
   the front door open.
5. An insurance salesman was trying to persuade Sonia to
   buy a life insurance policy.'Just imagine if your husband was
   to die tomorrow, Sonia' he said. 'What would you get?'
   
   Oh, a Labrador dog, I think,' replied
   Sonia. 'They're so well-behaved.'

See more of our clean
wedding jokes »

Footnotes:
Please send us your funny wedding speech jokes.

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