Ten Funny Plane Jokes

A funny joke is definitely a case of, 'one man's meat is another man's poison'. For that reason we have selected a variety of funny pilot jokes, that we are sure that at least one will bring a smile to your face.

Ten Funny Plane Jokes

1. Difficult Landing
2. Pilot Joke
3. Our Friend the Pilot
4. Aircrew of the Month
5. Pre-Flight Entertainment
6. Qantas Pilots
7. Belly Landing
8. Lucky Escape for Plane Passengers?
9. Do you know which day it is?
10. Parachute Dilemma

1) Difficult Landing

The airline had a policy that required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a - 'Thanks for flying XYZ airline' . An airline pilot on this particular flight hammered his plane into the runway really hard.  In light of his bad landing, he had difficulty looking the passengers in the eye, all the time he thought that a passenger would have a smart comment.  However, it seemed that all the passengers were too shell shocked to say anything. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane.  She said, 'Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?' Why no Ma'am', said the pilot, 'What is it', the little old lady said, 'Did we land or were we shot down?'

2) Pilot Joke

Taxiing down the tarmac, the 747 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After a two hour delay, it finally took off. Barry, a worried passenger asked the steward, 'What was the problem?' 'The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine', explained the flight attendant, 'and it took us a while to find a new pilot.'

3) Our Friend the Pilot

We have a friend who is an airline pilot.  Her name is Helga and she is a woman.  It is interesting to note that in English there is no female word for pilot. Actress yes, but pilotess no. Anyway, one day Helga boarded the plane and was sitting in the cockpit with the door open. A man climbed onto the plane and was just taking his seat when he looked up and saw Helga. She saw that his face turned a shade of green and she heard him say to the air steward, 'Blimey, is that a woman I see in the cockpit?' Waiting a while Helga then heard the man say, 'Well, I suppose it's alright as long as they don't let her touch anything.'

4) Aircrew of the Month

This next yarn reminds of my former classmate Pete.  At school, Pete was always in the top 2/3 in our class, but once he left school, he never could settle in a job.  He landed a job as a bus driver, but his denouement came when he took a detour and drove the bus to his home.  Pete, got out, went in, left the passengers on the bus, had a cup of tea and drove on half an hour later.  When the bus company discovered his antics, his supervisor dismissed him on the spot.  The Airline flight attendant in this next tale is going the same way as Pete.

From a Stingem employee....' Welcome aboard Stingem Flight XXX to YYY.' We are pleased to have some of the best pilots in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!'

Then he progressed to the famous ' Fasten Seatbelt Routine' .  What he said was: 'To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.'

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love the more.

After the plane landed, he said: 'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants'

His final announcement was: 'Thank you for flying Stingem Airlines. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.'

5) Pre-Flight Entertainment

At the airport for a business trip, Maureen settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then she heard the voice on the public address system saying, 'We apologise for the inconvenience, but BOAC Flight 937 will board from Gate 41.' Maureen picked up her luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told her that Flight 937 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. So, again, Maureen gathered her carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as she was settling down, the public address voice spoke again, 'We would like to thank all passengers for participating in BOAC's physical fitness programme.'

6) Qantas Pilots

Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.  Apparently, after every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet', which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.  The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' Pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

Exchanges between Qantas Pilots and their Engineers

Pilots: Number 3 engine missing. Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search. Pilots: Aircraft handles funny. Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. Pilots: Target radar hums Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. Pilots: Mouse in cockpit. Engineers: Cat installed. Qantas Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. Engineers: Took hammer away from midget See more Qantas engineer jokes

7) Belly Landing

Emergency Landing Parts fly off an Air New Zealand aircraft as it hits the ground during an emergency landing in Blenheim, NZ. Photographed by Derek Flynn. Aircraft pieces flew in the air as an Eagle Air plane with 17 people on board made an emergency crash landing at Blenheim Airport on June 18th 2007 after landing gear failed. The flight from Timaru to Wellington was diverted to Blenheim after the fault was detected. Fire engines, ambulances, police and other support staff rushed to the scene under a full emergency alert as the plane circled above Woodbourne for about half an hour, preparing for a crash landing. No one was injured in the crash landing.

8) Do You Know Which Day It Is?

An American pilot was flying the above plane over Australian when his plane malfunctioned and overshot the runway. When the pilot awoke, he found himself in bed, in an Australian hospital. So, the American pilot asked the doctor, 'Did I come here to die?' ** 'No,' said the Australian doctor. 'You came here yesterday.' ** In Australian 'Today' sounds like 'To die'

9) Lucky Escape for Plane Passengers?

A pilot told nervous passengers travelling with a low-cost Spanish airline that nearly half the seats on their plane from Lisbon to Madrid were out of use due to a safety problem with a door, but it was nothing to worry about, a Spanish newspaper reported.

10) Parachute Dilemma

There were three passengers in a light aircraft but only two parachutes.

• The first, Seamus, was the Irish Master Mind Champion.
• The second, Larry, was an American Hall of Footballer.
• The third, Bruce, was an Australian dual Olympic Games Champion.

The conversation went thus,  Seamus said, 'There have been many American Hall of fame footballers and several people have won Olympic Gold medals, but there has only ever been one Irish Master Mind Champion.  So I'll take the first parachute and you two can fight it out for the last one' .  With that Seamus took a parachute and leapt out of the plane, which incidentally, by now was in considerable distress. 'How shall we decide who has the last parachute?' , Larry asked Bruce. 'No worries' , Bruce said, 'Yonder Irish Master Mind Champion has jumped out with my rucksack'. Footnote: Please write to Will and Guy if you have a funny plane or pilot joke.