It's a funny kind of month, October. For the really keen cricket (or baseball) fan it's when you discover that your wife left you in May. - Denis Norden
Selection of Will and Guy's Clean Jokes and Funny Stories for October
This month's material combines clean jokes and funny stories. We also aim to amuse - even surprise, but never to shock or offend.
The Voice Of Experience
Be true to your teeth, or they will be false to you
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so: Douglas Adams
Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes: Oscar Wilde
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it
These days people seek knowledge, not wisdom. Knowledge is of the past, wisdom is of the future: Vernon Cooper
Education is when you read the fine print. Experience is what you get if you don't: Pete Seeger
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
Imagination is more important than knowledge: Albert Einstein
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with
There is a fine line between genius and insanity
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused
A light heart lives long: William Shakespeare
No Exit - Funny Hotel Story
Byron checks into a hotel for the first time in his life and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the reception desk and says, 'You've given me a room with no exit. How do I get out?' The desk clerk says, 'Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?'
Byron replies, 'Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into a cupboard. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'Do not disturb' sign on it.'
Make Your Own Bed?
Denis went on holiday to Torremolinos, Spain and stayed in a cheap hotel. The reason it was cheap was because he had to make his own bed. They gave him a hammer and nails to do that.
Letter of the Month - Dear Abby
I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, 'just some friends from work, you don't know them.' I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls'. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the golf shop where I bought it?
More Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
These examples are taken from letters written to government agencies:
I am glad to report that my husband, who was reported missing, is dead.
This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?
Please find for certain if my husband is dead, as the man I am living with can't do a thing until he knows.
I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my boy as illiterate. This is a dirty lie. I was married to his father a week
before he was born.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children, one of which was a mistake as you can see.
Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
Please stop my assistance since I got a job begging in October
A man on a bike, carrying two saddlebags, was stopped by a guard while crossing the US-Mexican border. He had rigged up a primitive rope bridge to by-pass the customs control.
'What's in the bags? demanded the guard.
'Sand,' the cyclist answered.
'Take them off. I need to take a look.' retorted the guard.
The guard emptied the bags and found out they contained nothing but sand. The man reloaded his bags and continued across the border. A week later, the same man was crossing again with two more bags. The guard demanded to see them, and again they contained nothing but sand. This continued every week for six months, until one day the cyclist failed to appear. A few days later, that same guard ran into the cyclist in Tijuana.
'Hey, where have you been?' the guard enquired. 'You sure had us wondering. We knew you were smuggling something across the border. So tell me and I won't say a word. What was it?'
The man smiled broadly and told him the truth, 'Bicycles!'
Footnote: Please send us your October jokes and funny stories.