Selection of Will and Guy's Clean Jokes and Funny Stories for OctoberThis month's material combines clean jokes and funny stories. We also aim to amuse - even surprise, but never to shock or offend.
The Voice Of Experience
- Be true to your teeth, or they will be false to you
- Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so: Douglas Adams
- Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes: Oscar Wilde
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it
- These days people seek knowledge, not wisdom. Knowledge is of the past, wisdom is of the future: Vernon Cooper
- Education is when you read the fine print. Experience is what you get if you don't: Pete Seeger
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
- Imagination is more important than knowledge: Albert Einstein
- Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with
- There is a fine line between genius and insanity
- Age is a very high price to pay for maturity
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good
- Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused
- A light heart lives long: William Shakespeare
No Exit - Funny Hotel StoryByron checks into a hotel for the first time in his life and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the reception desk and says, 'You've given me a room with no exit. How do I get out?' The desk clerk says, 'Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?' Byron replies, 'Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into a cupboard. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'Do not disturb' sign on it.'
Make Your Own Bed?Denis went on holiday to Torremolinos, Spain and stayed in a cheap hotel. The reason it was cheap was because he had to make his own bed. They gave him a hammer and nails to do that.
Letter of the Month - Dear AbbyDear Abby, I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, 'just some friends from work, you don't know them.' I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls'. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the golf shop where I bought it? Thanks Jim
More Clean Jokes and Funny StoriesThese examples are taken from letters written to government agencies: Dear Sirs,
- I am glad to report that my husband, who was reported missing, is dead.
- This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?
- Please find for certain if my husband is dead, as the man I am living with can't do a thing until he knows.
- I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my boy as illiterate. This is a dirty lie. I was married to his father a week before he was born.
- I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children, one of which was a mistake as you can see.
- Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
- Please stop my assistance since I got a job begging in October