Funny Marriage Jokes and One-liners


Marriage Jokes and one-liners

The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can.


Marriage Jokes and One-liners
Researched by Alan Turnham

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. (Henny Youngman)
[For those who do not know him, Henny (not Henry) Youngman was an American stand up comedian.]

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)

Any husband who says. 'My wife and I are completely equal partners', is talking about
either a law firm or a hand of bridge. (Bill Cosby)Marriage one-liners

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. (Rita Rudner)

Keep your eyes wide open
before marriage, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's
wrong. (Milton Berle)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's

water in the carburettor'. I said, 'Where's
the car?'  She said, 'In the lake.'
(Henny Youngman)

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)

Brigands demand your money or your life, women require both. (Samuel

See more funny quotes.

Anonymous Marriage One-liners

  • At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't
    you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
    The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married
    the wrong man.'
  • After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.'
    The husband replied, 'Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't
  • A man inserted an 'ad'
    the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'.  Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
  • When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
  • Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
  • I married Miss Right. I just didn't
    know her first name was Always. Losing a wife can be
    hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.Preparing for Marriage - A look at hell
  • I haven't
    spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't
    like to interrupt her.
  • Just think, if it weren't
    for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no
    faults at all.
  • My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
  • A husband said to his wife, 'No, I don't
    hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I
    like mine.'
  • A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, 'OK, give me a million dollars and
    beat me half to death.'
  • How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
  • A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was
    spending less than his wife did.
  • The most effective way to remember your wife's
    birthday is to forget it once.

Five Fun Facts and Funny Marriage Trivia

Marriage contract
  1. Show Me A Marriage With Humour and I'll Show You A
    Healthy Marriage.
  2. 'Diamonds are a girl's best friend' but did you know
    that until the 15th century, only kings wore diamonds, as a symbol of
    strength, courage, and invincibility. In India, where the diamond was
    first discovered , it was valued more for its magic than its beauty and
    was believed to protect the wearer from fire, snakes, illnesses,
    thieves, and great evil.
  3. Wearing a wedding ring on the fourth finger of the left
    hand dates back to ancient Egypt, where it was believed that the vein of
    love ran from this finger directly to the heart.
  4. The youngest couple ever to marry was an eleven month
    old boy and a three month old girl who were married in Bangladesh in
    1986. The marriage was arranged in order to settle a twenty year feud
    over a disputed piece of farmland.
  5. The most fantastic gift of love is the Taj Mahal
    in India. It was built by Mughal Emperor Shahjahan as a memorial to his
    wife, who died in childbirth. Work on the Taj began in 1634 and
    continued for almost
    22 years. required the labour of 20,000
    workers from all over India and Central Asia.

A True Story About Luke's Wife

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour
east of Bakersfield, my wife, new to boating was having a problem. No matter
how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to
perform. It wouldn't plane at high speed at all, and it was very sluggish in
almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power she applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, she walked over to the
nearby marina.  Maybe they could tell her what was wrong.
Words of Wisdom - About Women

A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working
order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, and the prop was
the correct size and pitch.

So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath the
boat.  He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.  Under the
boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

Light Hearted Funny Marriage Notions Worth Remembering

  1. The matrimonial pollsters contend their studies
    indicate the man who kisses his wife good-bye when he leaves for work
    every morning averages a higher income than does the fellow who doesn't
    do that thing. Husbands who exercise the rituals of affection tend to be
    more painstaking, more stable, more methodical, thus higher earners,
    it's believed.
  2. The heart is the most common symbol of romantic love.
    Ancient cultures believed the human soul lived in the heart. Others
    thought it to be the source of emotion and intelligence. Some believed
    the heart embodied a man's truth, strength and nobility. The heart may
    be associated with love because the ancient Greeks believed it was the
    target of Eros, known as Cupid to the Romans. Anyone shot in the heart
    by one of Cupid's arrows would fall hopelessly in love. Because the
    heart is so closely linked to love, it's red colour is thought to be the
    most romantic.
  3. To keep your marriage brimming,
    With love in the
    loving cup,
    Whenever you're wrong admit it;
    Whenever you're right
    shut up. - Ogden Nash.
  4. Marriage is a very expensive way to get your laundry
    Marriage contract - St Catherine?
  5. Marriage is an institution where two people come
    together to joint solve the problems they never had before they got
  6. The alleged most commonly used words of
    endearment: Honey (48%), Baby (44%),
    Sweetheart (41%), Dear
    (39%), Lover (32%), Darling (31%), Sugar (24%), Angel (20%), Pumpkin
    (13%), Beautiful (6%).

Mother-in-Law Joke

In the morning the day after I was married, the phone rang.'
Reverse charges call from Jackie, 'said the operator.'
Will you accept the charges?'

I couldn't
think of anyone that I knew who was called
Jackie; so I said no and put down the 'phone.

A moment later, the phone rang again. 'Hi, Margaret, it's
Jackie', said a familiar voice, 'your mother-in-law.'

Romantic one-liners

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