Marriage Jokes and One-liners
Researched by Alan Turnham
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. (Henny Youngman)
[For those who do not know him, Henny (not Henry) Youngman was an American stand up comedian.]
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)
Any husband who says. 'My wife and I are completely equal partners', is talking about
either a law firm or a hand of bridge. (Bill Cosby)
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. (Rita Rudner)
Keep your eyes wide open
before marriage, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's
wrong. (Milton Berle)
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's
water in the carburettor'. I said, 'Where's
the car?' She said, 'In the lake.'
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)
Brigands demand your money or your life, women require both. (Samuel
See more funny quotes.
Anonymous Marriage One-liners
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't
you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married
the wrong man.'
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.'
The husband replied, 'Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't
A man inserted an 'ad'
the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't
know her first name was Always. Losing a wife can be
hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't
like to interrupt her.
Just think, if it weren't
for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no
faults at all.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
A husband said to his wife, 'No, I don't
hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, 'OK, give me a million dollars and
beat me half to death.'
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was
spending less than his wife did.
The most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is to forget it once.
Five Fun Facts and Funny Marriage Trivia
Show Me A Marriage With Humour and I'll Show You A
'Diamonds are a girl's best friend' but did you know
that until the 15th century, only kings wore diamonds, as a symbol of
strength, courage, and invincibility. In India, where the diamond was
first discovered , it was valued more for its magic than its beauty and
was believed to protect the wearer from fire, snakes, illnesses,
thieves, and great evil.
Wearing a wedding ring on the fourth finger of the left
hand dates back to ancient Egypt, where it was believed that the vein of
love ran from this finger directly to the heart.
The youngest couple ever to marry was an eleven month
old boy and a three month old girl who were married in Bangladesh in
1986. The marriage was arranged in order to settle a twenty year feud
over a disputed piece of farmland.
The most fantastic gift of love is the Taj Mahal
in India. It was built by Mughal Emperor Shahjahan as a memorial to his
wife, who died in childbirth. Work on the Taj began in 1634 and
continued for almost 22 years. required the labour of 20,000
workers from all over India and Central Asia.
A True Story About Luke's Wife
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour
east of Bakersfield, my wife, new to boating was having a problem. No matter
how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to
perform. It wouldn't plane at high speed at all, and it was very sluggish in
almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she walked over to the
nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working
order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, and the prop was
the correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath the
boat. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the
boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
Light Hearted Funny Marriage Notions Worth Remembering
The matrimonial pollsters contend their studies
indicate the man who kisses his wife good-bye when he leaves for work
every morning averages a higher income than does the fellow who doesn't
do that thing. Husbands who exercise the rituals of affection tend to be
more painstaking, more stable, more methodical, thus higher earners,
The heart is the most common symbol of romantic love.
Ancient cultures believed the human soul lived in the heart. Others
thought it to be the source of emotion and intelligence. Some believed
the heart embodied a man's truth, strength and nobility. The heart may
be associated with love because the ancient Greeks believed it was the
target of Eros, known as Cupid to the Romans. Anyone shot in the heart
by one of Cupid's arrows would fall hopelessly in love. Because the
heart is so closely linked to love, it's red colour is thought to be the
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the
Whenever you're wrong admit it;
Whenever you're right
shut up. - Ogden Nash.
Marriage is a very expensive way to get your laundry
Marriage is an institution where two people come
together to joint solve the problems they never had before they got
The alleged most commonly used words of
endearment: Honey (48%), Baby (44%), Sweetheart (41%), Dear
(39%), Lover (32%), Darling (31%), Sugar (24%), Angel (20%), Pumpkin
(13%), Beautiful (6%).
In the morning the day after I was married, the phone rang.'
Reverse charges call from Jackie, 'said the operator.'
Will you accept the charges?'
think of anyone that I knew who was called
Jackie; so I said no and put down the 'phone.
A moment later, the phone rang again. 'Hi, Margaret, it's
Jackie', said a familiar voice, 'your mother-in-law.'
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