Medical Jokes

After dinner story – Two men in hospital Ward joke – National Health

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs.  His bed was next to the room’s only window.  The other man had to spend all of his time flat on his back.

The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation.

Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.

The man in the other bed began to live for those one-hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside. The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance. As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.

One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man couldn’t hear the band – he could see it, in his mind’s eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.

Days and weeks passed. One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.

As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone. Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed. It faced a blank wall. The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window. The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.

Patient Statements

These are statements medical staff wrote about their patients. They were collected from those clipboards that you see at the end of the patient’s bed. Fortunately, the doctors and nurses were in too much of a hurry to check what they were writing:

• The patient has three teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
• On the third day, the elbow was better, and then on the fourth day, it disappeared.
• Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
• The patient refused autopsy.
• The patient has no previous history of suicides.
• The patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
• I saw your patient, Mrs Jones, today. She is still under our care for osteoporosis.
  

The Story of the Crabby Old Man

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in North Platte, Nebraska, USA, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value. Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.

The old man’s sole bequest to posterity is his poem and it has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health.

What do you see nurses? What do you see?
What are you thinking when you’re looking at me?
A crabby old man, not very wise, Uncertain of habit with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food and makes no reply When you say in a loud voice, ‘I do wish you’d try!’
Who seems not to notice the things that you do.
And forever is losing a sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not, lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill?
Is that what you’re thinking? Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse – you’re not looking at me.

I’ll tell you who I am as I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, as I eat at your will.
I’m a small child of Ten with a father and mother, Brothers and sisters who love one another.

A young boy of Sixteen with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now a lover he’ll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty. My heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now I have young of my own,
Who needs me to guide, you and a secure happy home?
A man of Thirty, my young now grown fast, Bound
to each other with ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons have grown and are gone,
But my woman’s beside me to see I don’t mourn.
At Fifty, once more, babies play ‘ round my knee,
Again, we know children, my loved ones, and me.

Dark days are upon me. My wife is now dead.
I look at the future – I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing young of their own.
And I think of the years and the love that I’ve known.

I’m now an old man and nature is cruel.
Tis jest to make old age look like a fool.
The body, crumbles; grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass, a young guy still dwells,
And now and again my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys. I remember the pain.
And I’m loving and living life over again.

I think of the years, all too few, gone too fast.
And accept the stark
fact that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people, open and see.
Not a crabby old man. Look closer. See . . . ME.

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within. We will all, one day, be there, too!

Please feel free to share this poem.

The best and most beautiful things in this world can’t be seen or touched. They must be felt by the heart.

Hospital Joke: National Health Service

In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower, and spinach, with green yellow, and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God’s bountiful gifts, Satan created Haagen Das Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said: ‘You want hot fudge with that?’ And Man said: ‘Yes!’ And Woman said: ‘I’ll have one too …with sprinkles.’ And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.

So God said: ‘Try my fresh green garden salad.’ And Satan presented crumbled Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said: ‘I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.’ And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its platter. And Man’s cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious
quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald’s and the .99 pence double cheeseburger. Then Satan said, ‘You want fries with that?’ And Man replied: ‘Yes! And super size ’em!’ And Satan said: ‘It is good.’ The man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed…and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And then…Satan chuckled

and created the National Health Service……………

Clean Doctor Jokes And Stories

Here is a selection of strange but true stories from people filling in their True insurance claims.

• To avoid a collision I ran into the other car.
• A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
• If the other driver had stopped a few yards behind himself the accident would not have happened.
• She suddenly saw me, lost her head and we met.
• A bull was standing nearby and a fly must have tickled him because he gored my car.

Inter Mediate

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: December twenty-fifth.

Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that You’ve forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that Thursday?
A: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

Doctor Notes Jokes

Selection of Doctor Jokes

Allan, a mechanic, was removing a cylinder head from a Harley-Davidson motorbike when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his garage. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

Allan shouted across the garage, ‘Hey Doc can I ask you a question?’ The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to Allan. Allan straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag, and asked, ‘So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix ’em, and put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I work for a pittance and you get the really big money when you and I are doing the same work?’

The surgeon paused, smiled leaned over, and whispered in Allan’s ear, ‘Try doing it with the engine
running.’

Doctor Jokes – One-liners

It is amazing what the medical profession will write. These are actual statements taken from medical interview records written by various paramedics, emergency room receptionists, and (we are afraid) a doctor or two at major hospitals.

• The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

• The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

• The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

• I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

• The exam of the genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

• While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.

• The skin was moist and dry.

• The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

• Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

• The Patient was alert and unresponsive.

• When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

• A Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid

What Sort of Medicine is Practiced here?

Dangerous Corner + Patients Cross Here = ??

Doctor’s Advice

Keep Taking the Medicine

Patient: It’s been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.

Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?

Patient: I sure did – the bottle said ‘keep tightly closed.’

What Vision

Amy to X-ray technician after swallowing some money: ‘Do you see any change in me?’

Quick Diagnosis

Nurse: ‘Doctor, Doctor the man you’ve just treated collapsed on the front step.
What should I do?’

Doctor: ‘Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!’

Eating Disorder

A mother complained to her doctor about her daughter’s strange eating habits. ‘All day long she lies in bed
and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?’

‘Eventually,’ said the Doctor, ‘she will rise and shine.’

Crazy Logic

Kerry is a medical student. When she was studying the toxicology module she attended the ‘poison control center in the city. Kerry told a tale that a woman had phoned who was very upset because she had caught her little daughter eating ants. Kerry quickly reassured her that the ants were not harmful and there would be no need to take her daughter to Southampton General Hospital. She calmed the caller down. At the end of the conversation, the woman happened to mention that she had given her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.

Kerry told her that she better take her daughter to accident and emergency straightaway!

An Alternative Medical Dictionary: Kindly Submitted by Nigel Morris

• Artery The study of paintings
• Barium What Doctors do when patients die
• Cesarean Section A neighborhood in Rome
• Cauterize Made eye contact with her
• Colic A sheepdog
• D&C Where Washington is
• Dilate To live long
• Enema Not a
  friend
• Fibula A small lie
• Genital Not a Jew
• Impotent Distinguished, well known
• Labor Pain Getting hurt at work
• Morbid A higher offer
• Nitrates Cheaper than day rates
• Node Was aware of
• Outpatient A person who has fainted
• Post-Operative Letter carrier
• Recovery Room Place to do upholstery
• Seizure Roman Emperor
• Tablet Small table
• Terminal Illness Getting sick at the airport
• Urine Opposite of ‘you’re out’

Funny Clean Medic jokes

Terminal Illness = Getting sick at the airport

A Good Medical Joke

While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took some X-rays of a trauma patient and took the results to the senior radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis.

‘What on earth happened to this patient?’ he asked in astonishment. ‘He fell out of a tree,’ according to the report.

The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree.
‘I’m not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Mark’s Expert Tree Pruning Service.’

Gazing intently at the X-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, ‘Cross out ‘expert.’

More Clean Medical Jokes

From Bad to Worse

Doctor Henderson spoke very seriously to Old Terry, ‘I’m afraid I have some bad news and some worse news for you, Terry.’

‘Tell me the worse news first, please, Doc,’ mumbled Old Terry. ‘You’ve got cancer and have only 3 months to live,’ replied Doctor Henderson quietly.

‘What’s the bad news?’ asked Terry after a short while. ‘You’ve also got Alzheimer’s disease,’ said Doctor Henderson.

‘Thank the Lord,’ muttered Old Terry, ‘For a moment there I thought I had cancer.’

Some Benefits of Alzheimer’s Disease

• You never watch repeats on television.
• You are always meeting new people.
• You don’t have to remember the complaints of your spouse.
• You can hide your own Easter eggs.
• Mysteries are always interesting.

How to Raise Your Blood Pressure

Doctor Larmer commented on Peter’s, extraordinarily ruddy complexion.

‘High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family,’ laughed Peter. ‘Your mother’s side or your father’s?’ inquired Doctor Larmer showing interest.

‘Neither,’ Peter replied, ‘It’s from my wife’s family.’ ‘Oh, come now,’ interjected Doctor Larmer, ‘How could your wife’s family give you high blood pressure?’

Peter sighed, ‘You wanna meet ’em sometime, Doc!’

A Question of Blood Flow

A surgeon was giving a lecture on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, ‘Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.’

‘Yes,’ the class said.

‘Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?’

A joker at the back shouted, ‘Cause your feet ain’t empty.’

More Funny Medical Terms Used by Doctors

The hospital board asked doctors for their opinions concerning a proposed new wing for their hospital.  This was what they said:

1. The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
2. The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
3. The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward.
4. The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Who Pays the Medical Bill?

Dan arrives at the private hospital in Mérida, Yucatán, Mexico, and is rushed in quickly for surgery after his appalling car crash.

The operation goes well and, as Dan regains consciousness, he is reassured by a nun, Sister Mary, who is waiting by his bed.

Now, Dan, you’re going to be just fine,’ says the nun, gently patting his hand. ‘We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?’

‘No, I’m not,’ Dan whispers hoarsely.

‘Then are you able to pay in cash?’ persists Sister Mary. ‘I’m afraid I cannot, Sister,’ says Dan regretfully.

‘Well now, do you have any close relatives?’ Sister Mary questions sternly

‘Only my sister in Puerto Vallarta,’ Dan volunteers, ‘But she’s a humble spinster nun, like your good self.’

‘Oh, I must correct you, Dan. Nuns are not spinsters: we are married to God.’

‘Wonderful,’ explodes Dan happily, ‘In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.’

Footnote: Loosely based on a true story when Will lived in Mexico.

Ten Hilarious and Funny Newspaper Mistakes to Do With Medical Terms

1. The Sunday Times explanation for the extinction of the dinosaurs:- The extinction may well have occurred when a steroid hit the Earth.
2. Another newspaper misprint:- The Welsh international had to withdraw when the cut turned sceptic.
3. From a Sunday newspaper:- The surgeon said he’d removed my momentum – the funny apron of fat that covers the intestines.  [The omentum is the medical name for the sheet of fat that covers abdominal organs.]
4. From an article on stomach trouble:- Doctors are beginning to accept that stomach ulcers are infectious.  They are caused by a bug called Helicopter. [Real name Helicobacter pylori.]
5. The Worksop Bugle recently carried a news report about a chap who’d happily “recovered from a tuna of the kidney”. [Salad days ahead?]
6. An excerpt from Pulse magazine:- If we are over-diagnosing asthma, then we must be under-diagnosing the other causes of nocturnal cough, such as post-natal drip. [Slip of the ‘s’, post-nasal drip.]
7. From a national newspaper:- Cutting down on fats reduces the risk of heart disease. Try to choose unsaturated fats, which are found in red meat, milk, cheese, coconut oil, palm oil, and butter …….. [Most of those contain SATURATED fats which would CAUSE a heart attack.]
8. A transplant surgeon has called for a ban on “kidneys-for-ale” operations.
9. From the South Wales Evening Post:- Cash plea to aid dyslexic cildren.
10. An interesting health tip from Q magazine:- In America, you can buy melatonin as a vitamin supplement.  It is a hormone that your penile gland secretes when it gets dark. [Actually, melatonin is produced by the pineal gland.]

Cautionary Tale – Girl, 12, Proves That Toilet Water Is Cleaner Than Ice Cubes

A Florida schoolgirl won the top prize with a science project proving that toilet water is cleaner than ice in fast food restaurants.  Jasmine Roberts, 12, of New Tampa, tested her theory in five local restaurants, reports Tampa Bay’s 10 News.

‘My hypothesis is that the fast food restaurants’ ice would contain more bacteria than the fast food restaurant’s
toilet water, ‘she said.  Jasmine says at each restaurant she flushed the toilet once, then used sterile gloves to gather samples. She also collected ice from soda fountains and asked for cups of ice at drive-thru windows. She then tested the samples at a lab.

Jasmine said: ‘I found that 70% of the time, the ice from the fast food restaurants contains more bacteria than the fast-food restaurant’s toilet water.’

Her project won the science fair at Benito Middle School, and she hopes to win the top prize at a regional science and engineering fair.

Good Dentist Jokes

What does a dentist’s award look like?  We don’t have a picture, but apparently, it’s a big plaque with a little cavity.

The Buddhist:

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused a Novocain injection during root canal treatment?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Anaesthetist :

Dwayne is recovering from surgery in St Peter’s, Chertsey, UK, having had a local anesthetic when a nurse asks him how he’s feeling.  ‘I’m O.K. but I didn’t like the four-letter word the doctor used in surgery.’

‘What did he say?’ asks the nurse. ‘OOPS!’

• Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.

Visit to the Dentist:

The Marshes were shown in the dentist’s surgery, where Mr Marsh makes it clear that he is in a big hurry.

‘No expensive extras, Doctor’, Marsh demands, ‘No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.’

‘I wish more of my patients were as strong-minded and as brave as you, Mr Marsh, ‘said the dentist admiringly.  ‘Now,
which tooth is it?’

Mr Marsh turns to his wife and says:

‘Show him your tooth, honey.’

Dental Treatment Hits Right Note

A patient sits in the dental chair with severely fractured front teeth. After discussing with the orthodontist how they would be restored and what the fee would be the patient says,  ‘Before you start, I gotta know: Will I be able to play
the clarinet when you are finished?’

The dentist replies ‘Sure you will!’ The patient replies ‘Great, I couldn’t play a note before!’

Fast – or Slow?

Patient: How much will it cost me to have this tooth extracted? Dentist: $300

Patient: $300 for just a few minutes of work, that expensive.

Dentist: O.K. I’ll pull it out slowly if you prefer.

Another Batch of Good Dentist Jokes

A Good Dentist?

When a new dentist set up in town he quickly acquired a reputation of being the ‘Painless’ dentist.  However, a local little girl called Gemima disputed his claim.

‘He’s a fake!’ Gemima told her friends.  ‘He’s not painless at all.  When he stuck his finger in my mouth I bit him – and he screamed like anyone else.’

Read more about a really good dentist Peter Davis of Droitwich

He Made a Good Impression!

Joe Simpson goes to his dentist for a new set of choppers The dentist says to his assistant, ‘Please get an impression from Mr Brown’

Mr Brown replied ‘Just like that’. (A slow-burning joke sent in by a Tommy Cooper fan)

Martin Goes to the Dentist

Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist’s office.  Martin says to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry I have three buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don’t have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! Today is Friday and we have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it’s 9:15 already… “.

The dentist thought to himself, “My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have a tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.” So the dentist asks Martin, “Which tooth is it, sir?”

Martin turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth and show him, dear…….”

Biting Off More Than You Can Chew?

In my busy dental surgery, I see several patients at the same time.  As soon as I finish with one, I run to the next room to resume treatment on another.  One day, I returned to a second patient without saying goodbye to the first.  As my first patient was leaving, she gave a friendly wave. Acknowledging her, I said loudly, ‘Byyy…’ My other patient obediently
chomped down and bit my fingers.

From  ‘All In a Day’s Work’ by Stiew Tan.

Toothache Cure from 1885

Choosing the Right Filling

A little boy called Ben was taken to the dentist.  Examination revealed that Ben had a cavity, which needed filling.

‘Now, young man,’ asked the dentist, ‘what kind of filling would you like for that tooth, amalgam or composite?’

‘I would prefer chocolate, please,’ replied Ben.

Juanita – One-eater

It never ceases to amaze Will and Guy how one funny story reminds us of another.  Jackson, a friend of Will’s told him that there was, for years, at Portsmouth Camber docks, a Spanish trawler man who had only one tooth.

His nickname was……..Juanita. [one eater]

Example of a Cautionar Dentist’s Tale

The cap of Bert’s tooth fell out so he phoned his dentist, Doctor Exelby, to ask if it could be replaced.

‘Yes,’ said the dentist ‘but it will cost you £175.’

‘No way,’ said Bert and went off to buy a 50p tube of super glue and stuck the cap back carefully.

He woke up in Queen Alexandra Hospital, Cosham Warning: Apparently, superglue contains a cyanide chemical.

Dentist’s Appointments:

Dentists can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and when he examines you he says, ‘I wish you’d come to me sooner.’

Funny Dentist Horror Stories

Will hopes that these funny dentist stories will take your mind off toothache.  Guy said that his incisors started to jangle after he read these tales.

Thomas and Olive At the Dentist

Olive, from County Westmeath, Ireland, arrives in England to live with her daughter and son-in-law. She is moving because of her poor health and brings with her most of her treasured possessions. These include a small piece of tissue paper in which she has secreted what appear to be five teeth that have broken off her denture.

Having settled in she asks Thomas, ‘Do you know where I can get my dentures mended?’ Of course, ‘replies Thomas, ‘If you give them to me I’ll take them to a dental technician.’

Olive duly hands over the rather tired piece of paper which contains some very grubby-looking teeth.

He drives to Waterlooville to the dental laboratory.  ‘How long will it take?’ Thomas asks the technician.

‘Oh, about an hour, ‘smiles the dental expert.’ Then I’ll wait in the car’, says Thomas, ‘and read my newspaper.’

An hour passes and the technician appears at the car window holding a plastic bag and a piece of tissue paper.  ‘That’ll be £80, ‘requests the specialist, ‘but I could only fit four of the teeth to the denture. I’m sorry.’

‘That’s a pity’, comments Thomas, ‘what happened to the fifth one?’

‘I have it here in the tissue’, answers the techie, showing it to Thomas.

‘The thing is, he said, ‘it’s easy to fit the teeth but nigh on impossible to fit this peanut.’

Footnote: We know this was a true dentist story because Will was there.

Avoid Dentures

An Argentinian robber was caught after he lost his false teeth during a raid on a house. Senor Juan Navarro, from Cordoba, saw one of the three masked men who held him up lose his dentures, reports Terra Noticias Populares.  In his hurry to escape with jewelry and cash, the robber left the false teeth behind and Senor Navarro handed them over to the police. Two days after the robbery, Senor Navarro noticed his nephew suddenly seemed to have lost his teeth.

A police spokesman said: ‘Senor Navarro came straight to us and we had the denture analyzed. It turns out it belongs to his nephew. What a funny thing to happen.  Caught by a denture!  Unbelievable!’

Funny Dentist Jokes

1. ‘Hello, Mary, how’s your new false teeth?’ asked Bridget.  ‘I’m leaving them out till I get used to them!’ said Mary.
2. ‘That’s my lot,’ said McCarthy leaving the dentist’s.  ‘I’ve just had all my teeth out – never again!’

Bullet Lodges in Man’s False Teeth

Couple Escape Death:

A traumatized couple survived being killed when the bullet fired at them ricocheted off the wife’s cheek, and the husband amazingly caught it in his false teeth. This totally miraculous escape happened in Zagreb, Croatia.

Two men were fiercely arguing about an overdue debt, Will and Guy have learned from police sources. Seconds later
one of them produced a pistol and fired at the couple at point-blank range. Amazingly the bullet just grazed the cheekbone of Mirna Cavlovic and carried straight on towards her husband Stipe who caught it in his dentures.

‘I thought I was dead for sure,’ Stipe informed us, ‘I didn’t even see the bullet hit my wife. I just saw the flash of the gun’s barrel. The next thing I knew was that something hit my false teeth and I spat out the hot lead. It hurt like hell but we’re both still alive.’

Guy believes that he was probably saved because so much of the bullet’s speed had been lost when it first struck his wife’s cheek.  While Will feels that Stipe may turn it into a circus act.

The perpetrator of the crime ran from the scene but we have learned that he is now in police custody awaiting trial.

More Funny Dentist Stories

Lying Through His Teeth?

A suspected car thief was tracked down by police after he left his false teeth at the crime scene. Police say Wojtek Lekowsky, 54, broke into a car in Czarna Dabrowka in northwest Poland and stole a stereo, but lost his teeth when he tried to make a quick getaway after the car alarm went off reports the Digital Journal.

He was tracked down using dental records and police charged him with robbery. Police spokesman Roman Krakowiak reported, ‘He tried to tell us that while the false teeth were his, they had been stolen from him. He had not been anywhere near the car at the time of the theft, but we knew he was lying through his dentures.’

The Pastor’s New Teeth

A preacher goes to the dentist for a set of dentures. The first Sunday after he got his new teeth, he could only talk in the pulpit for five minutes.

The second Sunday, his sermon lasted for ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talked for an hour and 30 minutes. The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The Pastor explained that the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn’t talk for more than five minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he put in his wife’s teeth by mistake and he couldn’t shut up.

[Kindly sent by Ken Green]

Marvellous and True Elephant Dentist Story

Devidasan, a 27-year-old bull elephant from the state of Kerala in India has had his toothache removed much to his relief Will and Guy have learned.

Dentists say they have successfully repaired a working elephant’s cracked tusk in the first operation of its kind. They performed the procedure on Devidasa by filling the 50cm (19.6in) long, 4cm (1.5in) deep crack with 47 tubes of a special resin.

Amazingly, it appears that Devidasan was not tranquilized during the two-and-a-half-hour operation and he was totally cooperative throughout the procedure.

‘It was an elephantine tusk because we had to find specialist equipment and modify it,’ Dr Pradeep told us. Dr Pradeep, a professor at the PSM dental college in the town of Trichur, said that if the crack remained untreated dir would have gathered inside it and potentially caused a deadly infection.

Devidasan’s owner was eager to get the operation carried out because the crack in the tusk meant that the animal could not be used in Hindu festivals.

Now Devidasan has made a full recovery he has already made his comeback in temple festivals throughout Kerala state.

Photos: Bronek Kaminski

Phil Goes to a Dentist: A Clever and Silly Story

Phil Gilliland, from Northern Ireland, visits his dentist in Southsea, Portsmouth because he feels something is not quite right in his mouth.

Dr Ansari, his dentist examines him and says, ‘Phil, that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?’

Phil answers with a slight frown, ‘All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious – Hollandaise

Sauce, I think it was. I loved it so much I now put it on everything: meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything.’

‘Well,’ says Dr Ansari,’ that’s probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It’s eaten away your upper plate. I’ll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome.’

‘Why chrome?’ demands Phil.

To which Dr Ansari, the dentist, replies, ‘It’s simple. Everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.’

See a good Droitwich dental practice

This Will Rot More Than Your Teeth

The hospital’s consulting dietician was giving a lecture to several community nurses from the Southampton area of Hampshire.

‘The rubbish we put into our stomachs and consume should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is terrible. Fizzy drinks attack your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with msg. Vegetables can be disastrous because of fertilizers and pesticides and none of us realizes the long-term damage being done by the rotten bacteria in our drinking water. However, there is one food that is incredibly dangerous and we all have, or will, eat it at some time in our lives.

Now, is anyone here able to tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?’

A 65-year-old nursing sister sitting in the front row stood up and said, ‘Wedding cake.’

Dentist Jokes

The six most frightening words in the world: ‘Your dentist will see you now.’

Booking Dental Appointments for Chinese Patients

What time do Chinese patients prefer for their dental appointments? 2:30.
(Sent in by Bernie MacLeod).

Lovers’ Tryst?

Girl: ‘Darling, your teeth remind me of the stars’
Boy: ‘Because they gleam and sparkle’
Man: ‘No, because they come out at night!’

Funny Doctor Cartoon Selection

A famous surgeon went on a safari in Africa. When he came back, his colleagues asked him how it had been. ‘Oh, it was very disappointing,’ he said.  ‘I didn’t kill a thing. I’d have been better off staying here in the hospital.’

Plastic Surgeon Gossip

Funny Doctor Caricature

Doctor’s Diagnosis

Who To Trust? Doctor or Google?

If you trust Google more than your doctor then maybe it’s time to switch doctors. – Jadelr and Cristina Cordova

More Comic Doctor Cartoons

Funny Doctor Quotes

• The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in daycare three times a week.
• A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek.  He gave her a lobotomy.  Joan Rivers
• The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
• My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they’re in August.  Ronnie Shakes
• After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, ‘Maybe life isn’t for everyone’. – Larry Brown.

More Funny Doctor’s Cartoons

Beware of Your Doctor Uttering These Phrases During Surgery

1. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
2. Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
3. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
4. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
5. …and could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing my concentration off
6. Does anyone see where I left that scalpel?
7. Orthodox medicine has not found an answer to your complaint.  However, luckily for you, I happen to be a quack.
8. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

Doctors and Quacks

In Britain today, there are about 50,000 practitioners of alternative medicine, but only about 30,000 qualified doctors.

Funny Doctor’s advice

The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease.  – Voltaire

Keep Taking the Pills?

One day, Harry went to see his doctor and told him that he hadn’t been feeling at all well.  The doctor examined Harry, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.

Looking at Harry he says, ‘Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up.  Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch.  Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another large glass of water.’

Startled to be put taking too much medicine, the man stammered, ‘L………..L…….L………Lummee, Doc, exactly what is my problem?’

The doctor replied, ‘Harry, you’re not drinking enough water.’

Prescriptions …..

Secret Elixir of Longevity?

Gloria, out for a walk, notices this little old man rocking in a chair on his porch and approaches him.

‘I can’t help noticing how happy you look, ‘Gloria smiles at him, ‘What is your secret for a long happy life?’

‘I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, ‘he replied, ‘I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.’

‘That’s amazing!’ Gloria responds, ‘How old are you?’

‘Twenty-six, ‘he replies.

Insider Dealing?

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any real interest in his paintings which had been on display for the previous few weeks.

‘I have good news and bad news,’ the owner replied. ‘The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would be appreciated after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 17 of your paintings.’

‘That’s wonderful, absolutely marvelous,’ the artist exclaimed. ‘What’s the bad news?’

‘The buyer was your doctor.’

The Specialist

‘What kind of job do you do?’ a lady passenger asks the man traveling in her train compartment.

‘I’m a Naval surgeon,’ he replies.

‘Good grief!’ splutters the lady, ‘How you doctors specialize these days.’

New Slant on Doctor’s Bed-side Manners

‘Every GP [General Practitioner – Doctor] is to be instructed to tell fat patients that they should lose weight, putting doctors in the front line of a new offensive to tackle Britain’s growing obesity problem, ‘records The Times on May 3rd, 2006.’  In the future GPs will have to treat obesity as if it were any other medical condition and advise the overweight to slim.

It is the first time that doctors have been asked to cajole fat patients, old and young, to eat less, improve their diets, and exercise. The move by Caroline Flint, the Public Health Minister, is directed in particular at children and young people who need help to lose their excess pounds.’

Perhaps if this proves difficult we will hear this kind of conversation:

Patient: It isn’t possible that I’m as overweight as you say I am.

Doctor: Maybe you would prefer to look at it differently.  According to this chart, you’re about 10 inches too short.

Take the Doctor’s Advice

Dopey Danny was an extremely nervous patient whose imagination afflicted him with all kinds of misfortunes that never materialized. One afternoon he staggered into the house. Dopey Danny was bent forward. He tottered to a chair and, still curled into a half-moon shape, dropped into it. ‘Jenny,’ he gasped, ‘it’s happened at last. There was no warning. All of a sudden I found I couldn’t straighten up. I can’t lift my head.’

When the doctor had arrived and looked at Danny, Jenny inquired, ‘Is there any hope, doc?’

‘Well,’ the GP replied, ‘it would help a great deal if he would undo the third buttonhole of his waistcoat from the top button of his trousers.’

See a real Patient Participation Group.

Doctor’s Diagnosis

Dr Trebble examined Maria and then took the husband to one side saying, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’

‘Me neither doc,’ said Ross, her husband. ‘But she’s a great cook and is good with the kids.’

Tricky Logic

A doctor of psychiatry is doing his normal morning rounds at the hospital when he enters the ward.

He finds Arnold sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.  Meanwhile, Mark is hanging from the ceiling by his feet.

The consultant asks Arnold what he’s doing. Arnold smiles and answers, ‘Can’t you see I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?’

The consultant nods and continues talking to Arnold and enquires what Mark is doing on the ceiling. Arnold looks up and murmurs, ‘Oh, he’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a lightbulb.’

The consultant looks up and notices that Mark’s face is turning red and blue.

The consultant remonstrates with Arnold and says, ‘If he’s your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself.’

Arnold replies with a sigh, ‘What? And work in the dark.’

Doctor Cannot See the Patient

A psychiatrist’s secretary, Paula, walks into his study and says, ‘There’s a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you.  Claims he’s invisible.’

Dr Walmsley, the psychiatrist responds, ‘Paula, tell him I can’t see him.’

I Don’t Want To Be A Doctor For The Following Reasons

• If I were a pathologist I’d be in a dead-end job.
• If I were a biologist I’d be in jeans all the time.
• Anaesthesiology would put me to sleep.
• Cell specialists are too cultured for my taste.
• I can’t stand podiatry.
• I can’t see myself as an ophthalmologist.
• I’m too old to be a gerontologist.
• I would have to be crazy to become a psychiatrist.
• I’m told pediatrics is child’s play.
• I haven’t got the heart to be a cardiologist.
• And they’d see right through me if I went into radiology.
• And I really couldn’t face it if I were a dermatologist.
• I’m not cut out to be a surgeon.
• If I weren’t such a baby, I’d become a gynecologist.
• It’s been drilled into me that I should be a dentist.
• I’d rather be a plumber than a urologist.
• If I were a proctologist I’d always be behind in my career.
• I haven’t got the spine to be a chiropractor.

The chiropractor called Mrs Levy saying, “Mrs Levy, your check came back.” Mrs Levy responded, “So did my arthritis!”

Funny Doctor’s Advice

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places.

He told me to quit going to those places. – Henny Youngman

One of the first duties of the physician is to educate the masses not to take medicine. – Sir William Osler

I’ve wrestled with reality for 35 years, Doctor, and I’m happy to state I finally won out over it. – Mary Chase

My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they’re in August. – Ronnie Shakes

The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can’t ask his patients what is the matter- he’s got to just know. – Will Rogers

A man walked into the doctor’s, The doctor said ‘I haven’t seen you in a long time’ The man replied, ‘I know I’ve been ill’. – Tommy Cooper

Funny Doctors Advice – As Submitted by Real Doctors

Patch-up

During a patient’s two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he told his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.

‘Which one?’ The doctor asked.

‘The patch’ he replied.  ‘The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!’

The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn’t see.  Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions on the packaging include: ‘Removal of the old patch before applying a new one’.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA.

Mis-Carriage?

A man comes into the Emergency Room and yells . . .’  My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab.’

As the on-duty doctor, I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs – and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr Mark MacDonald, San Francisco.

Funny Medical Jokes – Doctor Dentist Podiatrist Stories

Framed

An old gentleman, whose name was Anil, thought his eyesight was deteriorating, so he decided to go to see an optometrist and have them tested.

Corinne, the optometrist, speaks to Anil, saying, ‘All right, let’s check you out. You sit down here on this stool. You put your right hand over your right eye and read that chart on the wall over there.’

Anil puts his left hand over his left eye. The optometrist says, ‘No, no, no. Put your right hand over your right eye.’

Poor old Anil puts both hands over both eyes.  Corinne is, by now, becoming annoyed.

Anil continues to do things badly and Corinne becomes angry and says ‘All right, I’ll fix you!’ she mutters.  She takes a paper bag out of the cupboard, cuts one hole in it, puts it over Anil’s head, and demands, ‘Now, read that chart!’

Anil reads it perfectly. The optometrist takes the bag off, and Anil begins to cry like a baby. Corinne then barks, ‘Now, what’s the matter with you?’

‘Well,’ sobbed Anil, ‘when I first came in here, I had my heart set on wire frames.’

An Ear Full – Or Not?

Hazel went to her family physician with her crying baby. Doctor Cassidy diagnosed right away that the baby had an earache and he wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, ‘Put two drops in right ear every four hours’, and he abbreviated “right”  as an R with a circle around it.

Hazel returned to the doctor after several days and complained that the baby still had an earache, but his bottom was getting greasy with all those drops of oil.

Dr Cassidy was amazed and looked at the bottle of ear drops and realized immediately what had gone wrong. The Pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:

‘Put two drops in R’s ear every four hours.’

New Will to Live

An elderly gentleman named Morris had had considerable hearing problems for several years.  Naturally, Morris went to his doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that enabled Morris to hear perfectly.

Morris returned in a month to the doctor for his check-up and was told, ‘Morris, your hearing is perfect.  Your family must be pleased that you can hear again.’

Morris grinned, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times, already.’

The Diagnosis

Peter, an 82-year-old man, went to see Doctor Lucan to have a full physical check-up.

A few days later, Dr Lucan saw Peter walking through the village with a stunning young woman on his arm.  The doctor turned to Peter and spoke quietly, but clearly, ‘You’re doing well, aren’t you?’

Peter smiled happily, ‘Oh yes, but I’m only doing what you said, Doc, “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”‘

Dr Lucan grimaced and retorted, ‘I didn’t say that, Peter. I said, “You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.”‘

Call a Doctor

It was a stifling hot day and Mr Ryan fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.

Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a well-dressed woman rushed to help him. When she knelt to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, ‘It’s all right honey, I’ve had a course in first aid.’

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man’s pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.

At this point, she tapped him on the shoulder and said, ‘When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m already here.’

Funny Medical Jokes

Doctor Makes a Pig’s Ear of Operation

Earlier this year Winston lost his ear. Luck would have it that it was replaced, with a pig’s ear, by doctors. They cut it to size and made it look more human before sewing it, invisibly, in place.

Several weeks passed before Winston felt it necessary to return to his surgeons.

When he did, Winston complained bitterly, ‘Doctor, I keep hearing this noise and it’s doing my head in. ‘The doctor, totally unconcerned answered, ‘Don’t worry, it’s just a bit of crackling.’

A Good Medical Joke

While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took some X-rays of a trauma patient and took the results to the senior radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis.

‘What on earth happened to this patient?’ he asked in astonishment.

‘He fell out of a tree,’ according to the report.

The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree.

‘I’m not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Mark’s Expert Tree Pruning Service.’

Gazing intently at the X-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, ‘Cross out ‘expert.’

Patient Care

An element of the admission procedure in the hospital where Doctor Tim Westwood worked, was to ask the new patients if they suffered from any allergies.

If they did, Tim got it printed on a special ‘allergy band’ which was then placed on the patient’s wrist as a reference for all other hospital employees.

On one particular occasion, Tim asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies. The old dear responded by saying that she was unable to eat bananas.

Tim received a considerable surprise later in the day when a very irate son came out of the ward demanding, ‘Who’s responsible for labeling my mother ‘bananas’?’

Choosing the Right Dental Filling

A little boy called Josh was taken to the dentist.  Examination revealed that Josh had a cavity, which needed filling.

‘Now, young man,’ asked the dentist, ‘what kind of filling would you like for that tooth, amalgam or composite, ?’

‘I would prefer chocolate, please,’ replied Josh.

Funny Medical Quotes

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. – Erma Bombeck

Funny Medical Quotes by Hospital Specialists

A panel of doctors was asked for their opinions concerning a proposal to build a new wing of their hospital.  This was what they said:

• The Allergists voted to scratch it.
• The Dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
• The Psychiatrists thought it was madness.
• The Radiologists could see right through it.
• The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
• The Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
• The Obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
• The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
• The Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body.”
• The Paediatricians said, “Grow up!”
• The Plastic Surgeon said, ‘This puts a whole new face on the matter.’
• The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward.
• The Urologists felt the scheme wouldn’t hold water.
• The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
• The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
• The Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

One has a greater sense of intellectual degradation after an interview with a doctor than from any human experience. – Alice James

Taxi to the Hospital

A woman flagged down a cab.

“Where to?” the cabbie asked. “The hospital,” the woman answered.

“Where at the hospital?” the cabbie asked. “Maternity ward.” the woman answered.

A determined look crossed the cabbie’s face. “Okay, I’ll get you there. Don’t you worry!” He then floored it and started weaving past cars.

“No no, you don’t need to drive so fast,” the woman said. “I only work there!”

Health Check

The great secret of doctors, known only to their wives, but still hidden from the public, is that most things get better by themselves; most things are better in the morning.

Ten Famous Medical Quotes

1. My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn’t afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays. – Joey Bishop
2. After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, ‘Maybe life isn’t for everyone’. – Larry Brown.
3. She got her looks from her father: He’s a plastic surgeon. – Groucho Marx.
4. I’m not feeling very well, I need a doctor immediately.  Ring the nearest golf course. – Groucho Marx
5. The art of medicine is in amusing a patient while nature affects the cure. – Voltaire
6. A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek.  He gave her a lobotomy. – Joan Rivers
7. Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won’t cure a cold. – Jerry Vale
8. Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. – Samuel Goldwyn
9. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. – Erma Bombeck
10. I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is? – Paul Merton

The Five Best, Clean, and Hilarious Conversations Overheard in
Hospital

1. Doctor: Are you on HRT? Patient: No, income support.
2. Overheard in Sunnyside Clinic, Fratton, as a receptionist spoke to an obviously hard-of-hearing client, ‘No Mrs. Jones, not the HEARSE, I’m sending the NURSE.’
3. A consultant at St Mary’s Hospital, Portsmouth, England tells me that while passing through a frantic ENT [Ear, Nose, and Throat] clinic, he overheard this curious bit of conversation: Senior surgeon (angrily): ‘For goodness sake, nurse, get me my auriscope.’ [a medical device that is used to look into the ears]. Distracted young nurse: ‘But doctor, I don’t even know your star sign.’
4. A former radiologist from Northern Ireland working at the Royal Belfast Hospital says that years ago, kitted up in leaden apron and gloves, he was conducting a radiographic examination of a woman’s abdomen. Finding that her clothing was causing some opacity on the fluorescent screen, he remarked, ‘Would you pull down your knickers, please?’The patient did nothing so he repeated the request.  He then heard her say, ‘I’m so sorry, doctor.  I thought you were talking to the nurse.’
5. While I was waiting to see the orthodontist at Queen Alexandra Hospital, a woman came out of his surgery smiling. Nodding to me, she said, ‘Thank goodness my work is completed. I’m so relieved to have found a painless dentist and one who’s so gentle and understanding too.’  I related the incident to him when he was seated in the dentist’s chair.  He laughed heartily and explained, ‘Oh, that was just my Mother.’

Funny Medical Quotes From The Medical Council of Canada Entry Exam

• Federal Food and Drugs Act: They aim to promote purity and prevent adultery.
• Venereal Disease Control: Sexual intercourse is a common practice among all people.  Prostitutes should be registered and made civil servants.
• Rheumatic Fever: It is much more common in the temporal zone.”
• Carbon Monoxide Poisoning: If the amount breathed is not lethal, the patient has many of the symptoms of severe enema.  He is usually flushed and has…
• Control of Bovine Tuberculosis: All cows should have a patch test done.

Funny Podiatrist Jokes and Pictures

Sign in a podiatrist office window: ‘Time wounds all heels.’

Funny Podiatrist’s Sign

Podiatrists used to be called ‘Chiropodists’, especially in England.

Medical people who specialize in feet have a variety of names, chiropodist, podiatrist, or foot doctor.

Funny Podiatrist Jokes

• Did you hear about the American podiatrist and the English chiropodist? They were arch-rivals.
• Santa’s sledge broke down on Christmas Eve.  He flagged down a passing motorist and asked, ‘Can you help me fix my sledge?’ ‘Sorry,’ the motorist replied. ‘I’m not a mechanic – I’m a podiatrist.” Well’, said Santa, ‘can you give me a toe?’
• When you are on good terms with your dermatologist, ask this question: “When you started your practice, did you start from scratch?”
• Be careful when you eat spoiled Toe-fu, you may get Toe-mane poisoning! Kindly sent in by Robert Lai.

How Smart is Your Right Foot?

This is so frustrating! Give it a go This is so funny/weird that it will boggle your mind.  And if you are anywhere near as stubborn as I am, you will keep trying at least a few more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can’t.

1) While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2) Now, while doing this, draw the number ‘6’ in the air with your right hand.

3) Your foot will change direction. I told you so. And, there’s nothing you can do about it! Go ahead: KEEP TRYING ALL YOU WANT.

Have a great day. Now get back to work.

Out of the Mouths of Babes:

Greg, the three-year-old, put his shoes on by himself. His father, Barry, noticed that the left shoe was on the right foot and vice-versa. He sat Greg down on a chair and said quietly, ‘Greg, your shoes are on the wrong feet.’

He looked up at his father with a quizzical expression and replied, ‘Don’t mess me about, Dad, I know they’re my feet.

Feet Funnies

What’s the condition called when all your toes go to sleep?
Ans: Coma-toes!

What do you call toes that smell?
Ans: Hali-to-sis.

Usually, our noses smell and use our feet to run. But, if you turn it around, it still makes sense:  Noses run and feet smell.

Shoe Problem?

One evening after work John drove his secretary home after she was unable to start her car.  Not wanting to bother his wife, Maureen, he decided not to mention it to her.

Later that night John and Maureen were driving out to eat when John spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat.  Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.

They arrived at the restaurant a short time later and were about to get out of the car when Maureen enquired, ‘John, have you seen my other shoe?’

True Newspaper Headline

WOMAN PRIED OUT OF WRECKED CAR WITH BROKEN LEG – Kindly sent in by Jim Wise

Boots Are Made For Walking …

But shoes are made for queuing!

[Kindly sent in by John Reeves]

Family Feet Business

I once heard the true story of a family firm that cornered the feet market.  One brother sold shoes, each shoe had a
hidden fatal flaw.  As a direct result, the victim’s feet needed treatment with the second brother, who was the only podiatrist in town.

Legend had it that the podiatrist was so incompetent that the only way the victim could get home was in a taxi.  You’re ahead of me now, the third brother had the only taxi firm for miles around.

Amy to X-ray technician after swallowing some money: ‘Do you see any change in me?’

Mechanic v Doctor Story

Allan, a mechanic, was removing a cylinder head from a Harley-Davidson motorbike when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his garage. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

Allan shouted across the garage, ‘Hey Doc can I ask you a question?’  The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to Allan.  Allan straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag, and asked, ‘So Doc, look at this engine.  I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix’em, and put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one.  So how come I work for a pittance and you get the really big money when you and I are doing the same work?’

The surgeon paused, smiled leaned over, and whispered in Allan’s ear, ‘Try doing it with the engine running.’

Five of the Best Short Medical Jokes

1. Long and Short of the Problem

Adam, an elderly man was seated in the doctor’s waiting room. When he was called in to see the doctor, Adam slowly got up, and, grasping his cane and hunching over, slowly made his way into the examining room.

After only a few minutes, Adam emerged from the room, walking completely upright. Paul, another patient who had watched him hobble into the room all hunched over, stared in amazement. ‘That must be a miracle doctor in there.’ he exclaimed. ‘What treatment did he give you? What’s his secret?’

Adam stared at Paul and said, ‘Well, the doctor looked me up and down, analyzed the situation, and gave me a cane that was four inches longer than the one I had been using.’

2. Struck Down?

Ronan kept going to the ophthalmic doctor because his eye hurt and the doctor finally discovered his problem. The Doc told him, ‘Your eye hurts when you drink tea, so you can’t drink tea. Ronan stuttered, ‘But I love tea.’ The doctor replied, ‘Okay, as long as you take the spoon out.’

3. Time Cures

‘Doctor Mayo,’ John says, ‘Whenever I get up after a sleep, I feel dizzy for half an hour, then I’m all right.’

‘Then wait for half an hour before getting up,’ replies Doctor Mayo conclusively.

4. Home – Or Away?

A famous surgeon went on a safari in Africa. When he came back, his colleagues asked him how it had been. ‘Oh, it was very disappointing,’ he said. ‘I didn’t kill a thing. I’d have been better off staying here in the hospital.’

5. Father – Or Son?

Iain speaks frantically into the phone, ‘My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart.’

‘Is this her first child?’ the doctor queries.

‘No, you idiot.’ Iain shouts. ‘This is her husband.’

Doctor’s One-liner Advice

Doctor Patient Jokes

Crazy Logic

• Headache? For a headache, nothing acts faster than anadin. So I take nothing.

The Patient’s X-Ray

Doctor Khan was giving a lecture to a group of medical students at the city hospital.

Pointing to the x-ray, he explained: “As you can see, this patient limps because his right fibula and tibia are radically arched.”

The doctor looked up at the assembled students, and asked Sidney “Now what would you do in a case like this?”

Sidney piped up: “I suppose I would limp too.”

Funny Doctor Quotes

More Clean Doctor Jokes – Keep Drinking the Water

Brenda makes an appointment to see her doctor because she is worried about her husband’s bad temper.

Doctor Thomas asks: “What’s the problem?”

Brenda says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do.  Every day my husband Jimmy seems to lose his temper for no reason. It’s beginning to scare me.”

The Doctor says: “I have a cure for that.  When it seems that Jimmy is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”

Two weeks later Brenda returns to the doctor looking fresh and happy.

Brenda says: “Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”

Dr Thomas says: “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.”

Best Medicine?

Will and Guy wonder what it that makes for a funny doctor joke? After all, medical matters are not an intrinsically humorous subject. We have come to the conclusion that for many illnesses laughter is indeed the best medicine, or at least helps people to cope.  Thus we continue our quest for more doctors’ jokes.

Worried Patient (Kindly sent by Geo Burns)

Patient: Doctor, when I press my leg it hurts.  Then when I press my chest it hurts, when I press my head it hurts, and when I press my stomach it hurts. I’m worried doc, what’s wrong with me?

Doctor: Easy straightforward, you have a sore finger!

Visit To The Doctor (Doctor yarn sent in by reader)

One Wednesday, Murphy went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, ‘Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and I always have to repeat things.’

‘Well, ‘the doctor replied, ‘Go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn’t
reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we’ll get an idea about the severity of her deafness.

Sure enough, Murphy goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, ‘Betty, what’s for dinner?’ He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, ‘Betty, what’s for dinner?’

Betty says, ‘That’s the fourth time you asked me. It’s meatloaf.’

Footnote: Please write to Will and Guy if you have any good doctor jokes.

For example, One has a greater sense of intellectual degradation after an interview with a doctor than from any human experience.  Alice