Funny Wedding Jokes

This is a page of our free, clean but funy wedding jokes.  The
first section are one liners while the second section are short stories, at the bottom are
funy pictures of weddings.  Research to your wedding speech or just enjoy the best of Will and Guy's
wedding jokes.

• Wedding Jokes - One liners by the famous
• Clean Short Stories for wedding day speech
• Mother-in-Law Joke
• Wedding Jokes - Funy Pictures

Wedding Jokes - Tasters

• With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
• Ronnie Corbett: Do think marriage is a lottery?
  Ronnie Barker: No. With a lottery you do have a slight chance.
• Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
• Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Wedding
Jokes - One liners by the famous

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. (Rita Rudner)

Keep your eyes wide open
before the wedding, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.  (Socrates)

A husband
is like a fire, he goes out when unattended. (Evan Esar)

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's
wrong. (Milton Berle)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's

water in the carburettor'. I said, 'Where's
the car?'
She said, 'In the lake'.
(Henny Youngman)

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want
to annoy for the rest of your life. (Rita Rudner)

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)

All marriages are mixed marriages. (Chantal Saperstein)

There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it
is I'll get married again. (Clint Eastwood)

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henny
Youngman)

More clean one liners for your wedding speech

• At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't
  you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
  The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married
  the wrong man.'
• After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.'
  The husband replied, 'Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't
  notice.'
• A man inserted an 'ad'
  in
  the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'
  . Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
• When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
• I married Miss Right. I just didn't
  know her first name was Always.
• Losing a wife can be
  hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
• I haven't
  spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't
  like to interrupt her.
• Just think, if it weren't
  for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no
  faults at all.
• My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
• A husband said to his wife, 'No, I don't
  hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I
  like mine.'
• A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, 'OK, give me a million dollars and
  beat me half to death.'
• How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
• A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was
  spending less than his wife did.
• The most effective way to remember your wife's
  birthday is to forget it once.

Clean Short Stories suitable for a wedding day speech

Those wanting to be married

Father Henry was planning a wedding at the close of the morning service. After the benediction Father Henry had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief
ceremony before the congregation. For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.

'Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?' Father Henry requested.

Immediately; nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

Best Man

A groom chose his pet dog as the best man for his wedding reports the Metro.  Paul Nock told his new wife Kelly years ago that he wanted Scooby by his side on their big day. The health and safety training
organiser, from Hull, said, 'I was away working in Dubai when the wedding arrangements were made and didn't think she would let it happen. But when we got into the register office I turned round and there he
was walking up the aisle, with the rings tied around his neck.' The 27-year-old bride added: 'It was a wonderful surprise.'

Wedding present - kindly sent in by JC.

I would like to thank you all for coming here today to celebrate my daughter's wedding.  Just for your information the seating arrangement has been
specially organised with all of the people that bought large presents being
placed towards the front and those that bought cheaper smaller presents at the
back.  (Pause)

There is a special thanks for uncle Fred who is at the back for the oven
glove.  (Pause)

The bride would like to ask uncle Fred if she could have the other glove for
their Silver Wedding Anniversary.

6 Million Dollar Question

Married for many years, Paul had been ignored by his wife, Liz, for some
days, so eventually he confronted her with what he perceived as the problem.

'Come on Liz, admit it,' he ranted, 'You only married me because my granddad
left me $6 million, didn't you?'

'You really are silly, Paul,' retorted Liz loudly, 'I couldn't care less who
left it to you.'

How well do you know your partner ask Will and Guy?

Relationships can be very puzzling as we all know. Take celibacy, for
example; this can be a choice, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

While attending a special Marriage Awareness Weekend in Doncaster, Yorkshire,
England, Nicky and Victoria listened to the facilitator intone, 'It is so very
important that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each
other.'

He turned to the men and asked, 'Can you each name your wife's favourite
flower?'

Nicky leaned over, touched Victoria's arm gently and whispered, 'Self
raising, isn't it?'

Thus began Nicky's life of celibacy.

Bad Hair Day

On the
wedding day, everything went well. Nevertheless, Luke thought that everyone must have seen his toupee. Next day, his youngest daughter sees his worried look and says, 'What's the matter, daddy? Why are you
looking so down in the mouth so?'

'I'm not really sad, darling,' Luke replies, 'it's just that I'm sure everyone yesterday saw that I was wearing a wig.'

'No they didn't, daddy,' she answers, 'No one I
told knew.'

Care for your Mother-in-law

A man, his wife and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, 'You can have her shipped home for
£5000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150.'

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, 'Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your
mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only £150?'

The man replied, 'a man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.
I just can't
take that chance.'

Mother-in-law joke

Harry was
travelling down a country road in his native Yorkshire, England when he saw a large group of people outside a farmhouse.

It was a cold January afternoon, so he stopped and asked Farmer Giles why such a large crowd
of men was gathered there.

The
farmer replied, 'Eddie's
donkey kicked his mother-in-law and she died.'

'Well, 'replied the man, 'She must have had a lot of friends.'

'Nope, 'said Giles.'
We all just want to buy
his donkey.'

Another Mother-in-Law Joke

In the morning the day after I was married, the phone rang. 'Reverse charges call from Jackie', said the operator'. 'Will you accept the charges?'

I couldn't
think of anyone that I knew who was called
Jackie; so I said no and put down the phone.

A moment later, the phone rang again. 'Hi, Margaret, it's
Jackie', said a familiar voice, 'your mother-in-law.'

Wedding Anniversary Story

John wants to get his beautiful wife, Emma, something nice for their first
wedding anniversary.  So he decides to buy her a mobile telephone.  Emma is excited, she loves her phone.  John shows her and explains to her all the different and varied features on the phone.

On Monday Emma goes shopping in the local supermarket. Her phone rings and it's
her husband, 'Hi ya, Emma, 'he says, 'how do you like your new phone?'
Emma replies, 'I just love it, it's
so small and light and your
voice is clear as a bell, but there's
one feature that I really don't
understand though.'

'What's
that, Emma?'
asks the husband.

'How did you know that I was at Wal-Mart?'

Another Joke you
could NOT tell in a Wedding Speech

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because
they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, 'No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'
d have me thrown in jail for 50 years
if I didn't
marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!'

Wedding Jokes -
Funy Pictures

Computer Wedding Joke

Bride was a Picture

A Texan woman had a wedding cake made into a life-sized model of herself.
Chidi Ogbuta, 35, had the 5ft cake made to renew her vows after 10 years of
marriage to husband Innocent.

The £3,000 cake took five weeks to make, needed two gallons of amaretto,
50lbs of sugar, 200 eggs and weighed a whopping 400lb.

It needed four men to lift it into the wedding venue.

More wedding Jokes

P.S. Please write to Will and Guy if you have any good wedding jokes.