Funny Retirement Sayings and Quotes

'It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.'  Scott Elledge.

Funny Retirement Quotes

  • 'The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.'
     Anonymous
  • He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and
    naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.   Douglas
    Adams
  • 'I always arrive late at the
    office, but I make up for it by leaving early.'
     Charles Lamb.
  • 'When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch.'
     R C
    Sherriff.
  • 'Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.'
    Will Rogers, Autobiography, 1949.Funny Retirement Quotes
  • 'It is time I stepped
    aside for a less experienced and less able man.'
     Scott Elledge.
  • 'When one door closes, another one opens, but we often look so long and regretfully at the closed door that we fail to see the one that has
    opened for us.'
     Alexander Graham Bell.
  • 'Forever, and forever, farewell, Cassius! If we do meet again, why, we shall smile; If not, why then this parting was well made.'
    William Shakespeare.
  • 'Few men of action have been able to
    make a graceful exit at the appropriate time.'  Malcolm Muggeridge
  • 'A man is known by the company that keeps him on after retirement age.'
     Anon
  • 'There's
    one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!'  Groucho Marx
  • 'I've lit the blue touch paper and found there's
    nowhere to retire to.'
     Doctor Who 
  • More funny quotes.Retirement Speech Poem

More Funny Quotes About
Retirement

  • Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did - Malcolm
    Forbes
  • The money's no better in retirement but the hours are -
    Anonymous
  • Retirement without the love of letters is a living burial -
    Seneca
  • I have never liked working. To me a job is an invasion of
    privacy - Danny McGorty
  • Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying
    about getting caught at it - Gene Perret
  • Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever
    did - Robert Benchley
  • I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three
    or four times a day. - Gene Perret
  • A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job - Ella Harris
  • What do gardeners do when they retire? - Bob Monkhouse
  • See more
    retirement quotes.

Will and Guy's Ten Clean and Short Retirement Speech Funnies

You Are Probably Retired If....

  1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
  2. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks
    and discover you aren't wearing any.
  3. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
  4. Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
  5. You step off a curb and look down one more time to make
    sure the street is still there.
  6. Getting "lucky" means you remember where you left your
    car in the car park.
  7. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt; doesn't work.
  8. You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
  9. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you
    don't even remember being on top of it.
  10. You have more hair in your ears and nose
    than on your head.

Will claims he particularly suffers from numbers 3, 4, and 5.

Secrets of Getting Old -
PowerPoint Presentation

Funny Retirement Sayings  (Also Suitable for Appraisals)

  1. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
  2. She got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't
    watching.
  3. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
  4. This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
  5. This man has delusions of adequacy.
  6. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; buy she only gargles.
  7. When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

Retirement Question and
Answer Session

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: Six Saturdays, One Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Amusing Snippets for Those Giving up Working

  1. Age is important only if you're wine or cheese - Unknown
  2. My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned
    sixty, and that's the law - Jerry Seinfeld
  3. There is no sense in being pessimistic.
    It wouldn't work anyway -
    Unknown

If My Body Was a Car - Effects of
RetirementFunny Retirement car

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading
it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish
and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of
it.......

  • My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see
    things up close.......
  • My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and
    skid and bump into things even in the best of weather......
  • My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.....
  • It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
  • My fuel rate burns inefficiently......
    Retirement Speech - Retest Motorists

But here's the worst of it:

  • Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter: either my radiator
    leaks or my exhaust backfires

More Funny Retirement Sayings

What the Professions Say
About Retiring:Funny Retirement Sayings

Amusing quotes from experts, they inspire Will and Guy to .... retire!

  • Golfers never retire, they just lose their drive.
  • Lumberjacks never
    retire, they just pine away.
  • Accountants don't retire, they just lose
    their balance.
  • Bank managers don't retire, they just lose interest.
  • Vehicle mechanics? They re-tyre every day.
  • Teachers don't retire, they
    just mark time.
  • Roofers don't retire, they just wipe the slate clean.
  • Engineers never retire, they just lose their bearings.
  • Beekeepers never
    retire, they just buzz off.
  • Musicians never retire, they just decompose.
  • Farmers never retire, they just go to seed.
  • Watchmakers never retire, they
    just wind down.
  • Academics never retire, they just lose their faculties.
  • Painters never retire, they just put a gloss on it.
  • Tree surgeons never
    retire, they just branch out.

More funny
retirement sayings.

Ten Ways In
Which You Know You Are Over the Hill

  1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
  2. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover
    you aren't wearing any.
  3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not
    eating cereal.
  4. Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
  5. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
  6. It takes twice as long to look half as good.
  7. You step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the
    street is still there.
  8. 'Getting lucky' means you remember where you left your car in the
    car park.
  9. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your
    bifocals.
  10. You have more hair in your ears and nose than on your head.

A Lovely Retirement Poem

Train of Life

Some folks ride the train of life
Looking out the rear,
Watching miles of life roll by,
And marking every year.

They sit in sad remembrance,
Of wasted days gone by,
And
curse their life for what it was,
And hang their head and cry.

But I don't concern myself with that,
I took a different vent,
I look forward to what life holds,
And not what has been spent.

So strap me to the engine,
As securely as I can be,
I want
to be out on the front,
To see what I can see.

I want to feel the winds of change,
Blowing in my face,
I
want to see what life unfolds,
As I move from place to place.

I want to see what's coming up,
Not looking at the past,
Life's too short for yesterdays,
It moves along too fast.

So if the ride gets bumpy,
While you are looking back,
Go
up front, and you may find,
Your life has jumped the track.

It's all right to remember,
That's part of history,
But up
front's where it's happening,
There's so much mystery.

The enjoyment of living,
Is not where we have been,
It's
looking ever forward,
To another year and ten.

It's searching all the byways,
Never should you refrain,
For if you want to live your life,
You gotta drive the train!

Author Unknown

Footnotes:
You can also send us your funny retirement sayings and quotes.

Get your MC Wedding Joke book
only $19.99

Joke of the Day Email

Get a clean joke delivered to your inbox every
day, no strings attached, just part of our service.  Free
subscription to
our Funny Joke of the Day email.

We have over 1,500 pages of funny pictures, clean jokes, stories and amusing videos.  Please use the Search below to find a topic of particular interest:

Thought of the Day Subscription

Our offer is to email you an inspirational
'Thought of the day'. Your subscription is completely free of cost and there
are no adverts.  Sign up for our 'Thought of
the Day'.

See more retirement stories and funny farewell jokes


Funny retirement stories   •
Retirement jokes   •
Funny retirement speeches
Grumpy old men


Retirement sayings and
quotes   •
Funny senior moments   •
Funny farewell speeches


Wedding jokes   •
Wedding speech jokes

Religious stories
Home - Clean jokes
Old Bob