Funny Resumes – One liners from Job Applications

These jokes are taken from REAL résumés and cover letters and were printed
in the Fortune Magazine:

• Extracts from Funny Resumes
• Funny Application
  Letters and Stories
• Resimay
• Ten Funny
  Gaffs from Real Job Application Forms
• Funny Job Appraisals

Extracts from Funny Resumes

1. ‘I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.’

2. ‘I have lurnt Word for Widows, computor operations and spreasheet progroms.’

3. ‘I received a plague for Salesperson of the
Year.’

4. ‘Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.’

5. ‘Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.’

6. ‘Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.’

7. ‘It’s
best for employers that I not work with people.’

8. ‘Let’s meet , so you
can ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ over my experience.’

9. ‘You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.’

10. ‘Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.’

11. ‘I was working for my mom until she
decided to move.’

12. ‘Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.’

13. ‘I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.’

14 ‘I am loyal to my employer at all costs….Please feel free to respond to my résumé on my office voice mail.’

15. ‘I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
‘

16. ‘My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.’

Funny Application Letters
and Stories

New Recruit
Joke

A few weeks after a young man had been employed; he was called into the Human Resources administrator’s
office. ‘What is the meaning of this?’
the personnel officer asked. ‘When you applied for this job, you told us you had three years experience. Now I have discovered this is the first position You’ve ever held.’

‘True’, the young man answered
with a smile, ‘in your advertisement you said you wanted a person with imagination.’
See more funny HR stories.

How to Create a Good Impression on Your First Day

An apprentice plumber has burned down a £5 million ($10 million USD) waterside mansion in southwest England, after a soldering task during his
first day on the job went horribly wrong. The historic mansion in Kingswear, Devon, was undergoing a £2 million renovation when a fire ripped through the eight-bedroom house overnight. In just minutes it burned
it down to the ground.

John Howes, of the Devon and Somerset Fire and Rescue Service, said the plumber was ‘very upset’, reports BBC news.

How to Handle Job Rejection
Positively

An example of not taking ‘No’ for an answer.

Charles Ryan
Vice President
Company 509
509 Wall St.
New
York, NY 10047

Dear Mr. Ryan,

Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
employment with your bank.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually
large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of
candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Company 509’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience
in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs
at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm
immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Sincerely,
James Pearson

Pay Rise

One Wednesday Martin demanded of his boss, ‘I must have a pay rise. You should realise there are three other companies after me.’

‘Really?’
replied Martin’s
boss, ‘And who might these companies be?’

‘Southern
Electricity, British Gas and British Telecom’, answered Martin.

Reason of Leaving Last Job

Joe said he quit his job at the local Helium-Gas production factory. He
just couldn’t go on working there anymore – being spoken to in that tone of
voice!

Resimay

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type
real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I
am a pepole person, Pepole really
seam to respond to me well.

Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a
job thru my
persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me
and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly
Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

Peggy May Starlings

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short – enclosed is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.

Ten Funny Gaffs from Real
Job Application Forms

1. ‘I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.’
2. ‘Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so
   far.’
3. ‘As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.’
4. ‘Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chainstore.’
5. ‘Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14
   jobs as ‘ job-hopping’ . I have never quit a job.’
6. ‘Marital status: often. Children: various.’
7. ‘Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every
   morning. I couldn’t work under those conditions.’
8. ‘The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
9. ‘Finished eighth in my class of ten.’
10. ‘References:
    none. I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.’

Footnote:
Please send us your funny resume jokes.