Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes

Sir, if you were my husband, I’d poison your drink.
Lady Astor
to Winston Churchill

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
Was Winston’s reply.

Funny Sayings: Topics on This Page


Funny Quotes on Other Pages

While we have sifted through hundreds of jokes to present the best of
the best on this page, we do have specialist topics covering funny quotes
on these pages.Paraprosdokian

The only way to have a friend is to be one. Ralph Waldo Emerson

Funny Quotes, Some
Just Witty, Others Even True
Sometimes we have to let go

  1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and
    stupidity. But not in that order. Brian Pickrell
  2. If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison.
    It went
    a lot faster with two people digging.  Joe Martin
  3. I have
    never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
    Clarence Darrow
  4. In the book of life, the answers aren’t in the back. Charlie Brown
  5. To succeed in life, you need three things: a
    wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.  Reba McEntire
  6. His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
    Mae West
  7. Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died.
  8. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
    Spike Milligan
  9. He that cannot reason is a fool. He that will not
    is a bigot.  He that dare not is a slave.  Andrew Carnegie
  10. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

Funny Valentine QuotesValentines Love Quotes

  • If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?  Anonymous
  • ‘I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.’
     Dorothy Parker
  • Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.
    Lynda Barry
  • A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an
    exclamation point. That’s basic spelling that every woman ought to
    know. Mistinguette
  • When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.Mark Twain

More Quotations:

If you haven’t yet seen just the amusing saying you are looking
for, try our search box; we have funny quotes for all manner of topics
spread over 40 other pages on our site.

Will and Guy’s Hilarious

  1. If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.
  2. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
  3. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  4. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a
    mistake when you make it again.
  5. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
    cease to be amused.
  6. If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
  7. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.
  8. Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some just don’t have film.Funny Wisdom
  9. You never truly understand something until you can explain it to
    your grandmother.
  10. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word
    for word what you shouldn’t have said.

Motivational Quotes

  • Patience is the companion of wisdom. Saint Augustine
  • The only way to have a friend is to be one.  Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • A bowl belongs to whoever needs it.  A Native
    American saying
  • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.  Anon
  • Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk
    because they have to say something. Plato
  • See more
    motivational thought of the day quotes.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face …. turned me
over and said.  ‘Look … twins!’  Rodney Dangerfield

Another Batch of Amusing Yet Thought Provoking QuotesFunny Quotes

  • I have left orders to be awakened at any time in
    case of national emergency, even if I’m in a cabinet meeting.
    Ronald Reagan
  • We live in a Newtonian world of
    Einsteinian physics ruled by Frankenstein logic.  David
  • Avoid fruit and nuts.
    You are what you eat.
    Jim Davis
  • I went to the doctors the other day and I said,
    ‘have you got anything for wind?’
    So he gave me a kite. 
    Tommy Cooper
  • There are two things that will be believed of any
    man whatsoever, and one of them is that he has taken to drink.
    Booth Tarkington
  • Why is American beer served cold?
    So you can
    tell it from urine. David Moulton.
  • The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual
    pursuit that carries any reward. John Maynard Keynes
  • No furniture so charming as books. Sydney Smith
  • From the moment I picked your book up until I put it
    down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
    Groucho Marx
  • Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.
     Kurt Vonnegut
  • A judge is a law student who marks his own
    examination papers. HL Mencken
  • Every man is wise when attacked by a mad dog; fewer
    when pursued by a mad woman; only the wisest survive when attacked by
    a mad notion.  Robertson Davies

Amusing Sayings

  • If you dig a hole for someone else, you’ll fall into it. 
    Hungarian proverb
  • Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then
    you don’t have a leg to stand on.
  • If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met
  • Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
  • Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.
    Spike Milligan
  • See more St
    Patrick’s Day quotes.

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amusing sayings.

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