Funny Quotes

Sir, if you were my husband, I’d poison your drink.
Lady Astor
to Winston Churchill

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
Was Winston’s reply.

Funny Sayings: Topics on This Page

• Funny
  Quotes, Some Just Witty, Others Even True
• Will and Guy’s
  Hilarious Sayings
• Motivational Quotes

Funny Quotes on Other Pages

While we have sifted through hundreds of jokes to present the best of
the best on this page, we do have specialist topics covering funny quotes
on these pages.

• Funny Drink Quotes
• Funny Medical Quotes
• Funny Motor
  Quotes
• Funny Retirement
  Quotes
• Funny
  Christmas Quotes
• Funny Santa
  Quotes
• New Year Quotes
• Funny Easter Quotes
• Funny
  Thanksgiving Quotes
• Romantic Valentine
  Quotes
• Funny Quotes from
  Newspapers
• Funny Football
  Quotes
• Funny Sports Quotes
• Famous People Sayings
• Hilarious Sayings
• Sayings of Wisdom
• St Patrick’s
  Day Quotes
• Wise Words
• Witty Funny Quotes

The only way to have a friend is to be one. Ralph Waldo Emerson

Funny Quotes, Some
Just Witty, Others Even True

1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and
   stupidity. But not in that order. Brian Pickrell
2. If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison.
   It went
   a lot faster with two people digging.  Joe Martin
3. I have
   never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
   Clarence Darrow
4. In the book of life, the answers aren’t in the back. Charlie Brown
5. To succeed in life, you need three things: a
   wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.  Reba McEntire
6. His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
   Mae West
7. Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died.
8. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
   Spike Milligan
9. He that cannot reason is a fool. He that will not
   is a bigot.  He that dare not is a slave.  Andrew Carnegie
10. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
    Employee
    Evaluation

Funny Valentine Quotes

• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?  Anonymous
• ‘I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.’
   Dorothy Parker
• Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.
  Lynda Barry
• A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an
  exclamation point. That’s basic spelling that every woman ought to
  know. Mistinguette
• When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.Mark Twain

Will and Guy’s Hilarious
Sayings

1. If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
   trip.
3. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
4. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a
   mistake when you make it again.
5. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
   cease to be amused.
6. If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
7. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.
8. Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some just don’t have film.
9. You never truly understand something until you can explain it to
   your grandmother.
10. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word
    for word what you shouldn’t have said.

Motivational Quotes

• Patience is the companion of wisdom. Saint Augustine
• The only way to have a friend is to be one.  Ralph Waldo Emerson
• A bowl belongs to whoever needs it.  A Native
  American saying
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.  Anon
• Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk
  because they have to say something. Plato
• See more
  motivational thought of the day quotes.

Another Batch of Amusing Yet Thought Provoking Quotes

• I have left orders to be awakened at any time in
  case of national emergency, even if I’m in a cabinet meeting.
  Ronald Reagan
• We live in a Newtonian world of
  Einsteinian physics ruled by Frankenstein logic.  David
  Russell
• Avoid fruit and nuts.
  You are what you eat.
  Jim Davis
• I went to the doctors the other day and I said,
  ‘have you got anything for wind?’
  So he gave me a kite. 
  Tommy Cooper
• There are two things that will be believed of any
  man whatsoever, and one of them is that he has taken to drink.
  Booth Tarkington
• Why is American beer served cold?
  So you can
  tell it from urine. David Moulton.
• The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual
  pursuit that carries any reward. John Maynard Keynes
• No furniture so charming as books. Sydney Smith
• From the moment I picked your book up until I put it
  down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
  Groucho Marx
• Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.
   Kurt Vonnegut
• A judge is a law student who marks his own
  examination papers. HL Mencken
• Every man is wise when attacked by a mad dog; fewer
  when pursued by a mad woman; only the wisest survive when attacked by
  a mad notion.  Robertson Davies

Amusing Sayings

• If you dig a hole for someone else, you’ll fall into it. 
  Hungarian proverb
• Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then
  you don’t have a leg to stand on.
• If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met
  everybody.
• Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
• Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.
  Spike Milligan
• See more St
  Patrick’s Day quotes.

Footnote:
Please send us your funny quotes and
amusing sayings.