Funny Army stories

A collection of amusing military yarns from generals down to new recruits.

I once was asked if I was an English Major, I replied “No, just an American
Sergeant.”

• Worse Punishment?
• General Stuck in the Mud
• American Army Soldier Yarn
• The Nutty Soldier
• American General Reinwald Tale
• Favourite Funny Military and Service Jokes
• Letter Home from New Army Recruit
• Stereotypical View of World Reaction to Terror Alerts

Worse Punishment?

An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for
departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft’s sewage holding tank.

The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in
arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.

When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded,
‘Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I have a bang on my head, I’m stationed in Greenland, a dog ran off with my coat, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes.  Just what are you going to do to punish me?’

General Stuck in the Mud

During training exercises, a lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the
mud with a red-faced general at the wheel.

‘Your jeep stuck, sir?’ enquired the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

‘Nope,’ replied the general, coming over and handing him the keys, ‘Yours is.’

American Army Soldier Yarn

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army.

On his first
day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven
of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

The Nutty Soldier

Our mission is to amuse you with a wide variety of jokes,
amusing anecdotes and thought provoking images.  We also aim to surprise, but never shock you.

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he
found, frown and say, ‘That’s
not it’
and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.

The psychologist concluded that the
soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: ‘That’s
it.’

Footnote:
Will and Guy cannot decide if this is a sad or funny army story.

American General Reinwald Tale

Here we have a clash of stereotypes, a USA one star
general and a female left wing reporter.  The resulting interview builds up to the sort of put down that we all wish we could deliver.

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio
concerning guns and children.

This is a portion of an American National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female interviewer and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout
Troop visiting his military installation. Incidentally, the battle of words took place on a Tuesday.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We’
re going to teach
the Boy Scouts climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That’s
a bit irresponsible, isn’t
it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don’t
see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle
range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don’t
you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don’t
see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline
before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are
you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Footnote – Confession time

The saga of General Reinwald is an urban myth.  Internet archaeologists have traced
this funny army back
to a Welsh broadcast with a scout master in 1997.  As with all good stories, in the intervening years it has been adapted and Americanized.  Will and Guy thank Nancy Hoagland for supplying this extra
research and insight into the myth of General Reinwald.  However, we do have more funny
army stories….

More Funny Army Stories

Latest Recruit?

One day the Barker family gathered for dinner together round the table when the youngest son, Anthony, announced that he had just signed up at an army recruitment office in Cambridge Road, Portsmouth.

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brother and sister shared their disbelief that he would be able to handle life in the British army.’

‘Oh, come on, stop kiddin’,’
sneered Luke, the eldest. ‘You didn’t really do that, did you?’

‘You’re not even strong enough to survive the basic training.’ muttered Verity.

Tony, the ‘new recruit’, looked at Freya, his
mother, for help but she was just gazing at him smiling. Freya finally spoke, she asked quite simply, ‘Do you really intend to make your own bed every morning?’

A Soldier is Always Prepared

The
American Air Force unveiled its new Battle Dress Uniform today. The utilitarian thing about the new uniform said Air Force representatives was that it has a built-in reversible Hawaiian shirt.

‘This helps
keep troops at the ready,’ said one Air Force Official. ‘If they are off duty they simply turn the shirt inside-out and come into work.’

Three Army Rules

It was the day of training at Fort Benning, Columbus, Georgia.

The drill sergeant was escorting the new recruits through the mess hall.

After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and
barked at them, “There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up!
Get up!”

Checking to see that his instructions got through, he walked up to one
recruit. “Stand, up, sir!” he yelled. The recruit stood up and faced the
sergeant.

“What is the first rule?” the sergeant demanded.

The recruit saluted the sergeant and then said, “Shut up, Drill
Sergeant!”

Letter Home
From New Army Recruit

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm – tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all
gone!  I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am.  But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya
uniform.  No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack – nothin’!!  Ya haz gotta shower though, but it’s not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s
no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes.  You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we’ve been on a ‘route march’ – geez it’s only just like walking
to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter.  I keep getting medals for shootin’ – dunno why.  The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum’s arse and it
don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year!  All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target –
it’s a piece of piss!!  You don’t even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes
yagotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy – it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the
muster.

Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers – he’s 6 foot 5 and 18 stone and
like three pick
handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can’t complain about the Army – tell the
boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

Top Ten Amusing, Witty, Funny and Self-Evident Truths About the Military

1. If you can see the enemy, he can see you.
2. Never tell a Sergeant you have nothing to do.
3. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
4. Aim towards the Enemy. [Instruction printed on a rocket launcher]
5. Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . . once.
6. Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.
7. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
8. Whoever said, ‘the pen is mightier than the sword’, obviously never
   encountered automatic weapons.
9. Friendly fire isn’t.
10. Tracers work both ways

Will and Guy’s Five Favourite Funny Military and Service Jokes

Army – Appropriate Clothing Must Always Be Worn

Brigadier Preston-Jago of the Royal Army Maintenance Corps was undergoing
a court-martial for an incident where he was found to be chasing a young
lady through the hallways of the Grafton Hotel, Catterick, Yorkshire,
England, in which they were both residing.

Neither of them were wearing any clothing whatsoever. The main charge was
that of “being out of uniform.”

The Brigadier’s lawyer, a clever cove, argued that the officer was not
“out of uniform”, as the regulations read, ‘An Army officer must be at all
times be appropriately attired for the activity in which he is engaged.’

Brigadier Preston-Jago was acquitted.

Military Communications

One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don’t
appear to speak the same language.

• For example, if you told Navy personnel to “secure a building,” they
  would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
• Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.
• Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with
  suppressive fire and close combat.
• The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with
  an option to buy.

Pilot’s Job

A pilot’s job is very simple…. there are 3 lights on an aircraft, red
on left wing tip, green on right wing tip, white on the tail.  Your
job, as a pilot is to keep the plane between these 3 lights.

Sonny Kellum, Flight Instructor.

The Captain’s Secret

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very
successful at what he did and for years he guided merchant ships all over
the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was
admired by his crew and fellow captains.

However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning
he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain’s
quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of
paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back
up. After, he would go about his daily duties.

For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a
treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated
about the contents of the strange envelope.

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain’s body to rest,
the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened the
safe, got the envelope, opened it and…

The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words
were on the paper, two on two lines: “Port Left, Starboard Right.”

Volunteering in the Army

Shortly after joining the Army, I was in line with some other inductees
when the sergeant stepped forward with that day’s assignments. He handed
several tasks out and then asked, ‘Does anyone here have experience with
radio communications?’

A long-time ham radio operator, I shouted, ‘I do!’

‘Good,’ he said. ‘You can dig the hole for the new telephone pole.’

An Amusing, Witty, Wry,

Stereotypical View of World Reaction to Terror Alerts

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent
terrorist threats and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to
“Peeved.”

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or
even “A Bit Cross.” Brits have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in
1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized
from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a
“Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great plague of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has
raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher
levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was
precipitated by a recent re that destroyed France’s white flag factory,
effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy
has increased the alert level from “Shout loudly and excitedly” to
“Elaborate Military Posturing”. Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat
Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans also increased their alert
state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching
Songs”. They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as
usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of
Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines
ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the
new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive
strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels from “baaa”
to “BAAAA!”. Due to continuing defence cutbacks [the air force being a
squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy
boats in the Prime Minister’s bath], New Zealand only has one more level of
escalation, which is ‘Croikey, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us.’ In
the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a
strategic defensive position called “Bondi”.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from
“No worries” to “She’ll be right, mate.” Three more escalation levels
remain, “Crikey!”; “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend”
and “The barbie is cancelled.” There has never been a situation that has
warranted the use of the final escalation level.

Footnote:
The above article was sent in by a regular
contributor, please send us your funny army stories.