Here is our collection of one-liners and amusing yarns featuring
ranchers, small-holders and farmers. On the animal side we feature,
cows, sheep, pigs and chickens.
- Five Farming One-liners
- Clean and Hilarious Farming Tales
- Rancher John
- Funny Farmer Stories
- Funny Bull Stories
- Chicken Farmer Joke
Five Funny Farming One-liners
- How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.
- Did you hear about the farmer who ploughed his field with a
He wanted to grow mashed potatoes.
- What did the anxious pig say to the farmer?
You take me for
- When is a farmer like a magician?
When he turns his cows into a
- Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain?
Because he has no beef.
Clean and Hilarious Farming Tales
The Jogger and the Farmer
John, a jogger, is running down a country road and is startled when a
horse yells at him, 'Hey-come over here buddy.'
John is stunned but still runs over to the fence where the horse is
standing and asks, 'Were you talking to me?'
The horse replies, 'Sure was, man I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky
Derby a few years ago and this farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a
plough and I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him
$10,000 to buy me. I'll make you some money because I can still run.'
John thought to himself, 'Wow, a talking horse.' Dollar signs started
appearing in his head. So he runs to the house and the old rancher is sitting
on the porch.
John tells the farmer, 'Hey man I'll give you $10,000 for that old broken
down nag you've got in the field.'
The farmer replies, 'Son you can't believe anything that horse says. He's
never even been to Kentucky.'
Time and the Pig
On a drive in the country, Roger, a city gent noticed a farmer lifting a
pig up to an apple tree and holding the pig there as it ate one apple after
'Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about,' said Roger, the
city gent, 'but if you just shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground,
wouldn't it save a lot of time?'
'Ooh ar, time?' answered the farmer.
'What does time matter to a pig?'
Milking the Cow
Dairy farmer John Duffield was milking his cow in Shepperton, Surrey. He was
just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and
started circling his head.
Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear.
Farmer Duffield didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into
"It went in one ear and out the udder."
See more cow jokes.
A Double Lesson
A carload of hunters, on holiday, were looking for a place to hunt,
pulled into a farmer's yard in County Waterford, Ireland. The driver,
Brannagh, went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt on the farmer's
The old farmer said, 'Sure you can hunt, but would you be doing me a
favour? That old donkey standing over there is 20 years old and sick with
cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?'
Brannagh replied, 'Of course I will,' and strolled back to the car.
While walking back, however, Brannagh decided to play a trick on his
hunting friends. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer
had said if it was alright, he said, 'No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going
to teach that old fellow a lesson he won't forget.'
With that, the Irishman rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and
shot the donkey. As he shouted, 'To be sure, that will teach him,' a second
shot rang out from the passenger side and one of his hunting mates yelled,
'And me, begorrah, I got the cow.'
Farmer's Dog Goes Missing
An old Irish farmer's sheep dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
Philomena, his wife says, 'Patrick, why don't you put an advert in the
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
'What did you put in the paper?' Philomena asks.
'Here boy.' Patrick replies.
Another Classic Farming Joke
Old ranch owner John farmed a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his workers and sent an agent out to interview him.
'I need a list
of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the agent.
'Well,' replied old John, 'There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook
has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10
per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied old
Short Farming Jokes
- Two farmers are talking to each other over a
5-bar gate when one turns to the others and asks, 'Do your cows smoke?No, answered the first one, surprised.
Well then your
cowshed must be burning!
- What do you get if you milk a forgetful Frisian cow?
Milk of Amnesia.
- Why did the Daisy the cow wear a bell
around her neck?
Because her horn didn't work.
More Farming Jokes and
Hilarious and Best, Funny Country Story
Farmer Dan got into his Toyota 4-by-4 and drove to the neighbouring
ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, Eddie, aged about 10, opened the
'Is yer Dad home?' Dan demanded.
'No, sir, he ain't,'
Eddie replied. 'He went into town.'
'Well, then,' inquired Dan, 'is yer Mom here?'
'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'
'How about your brother? Is he here?'
'He went with Mom and Dad,' explained Eddie patiently.
Farmer Dan stood there for a few seconds, shifting from one foot to the
other and muttering to himself.
'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' Eddie asked politely. 'I know where
all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a
message fer Dad.'
'Well, it's difficult,' answered Dan uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to
talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother getting my daughter pregnant.'
Eddie considered for a moment, 'You would have to talk to Pa about that,'
he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $600 for
the bull and $60 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer
Amusing Dairy Farmers' Joke
First Dairy Farmer:
My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it.
Second Dairy Farmer:
Did you shoot it in the hole?
First Irish Farmer: No, in the head.
A Funny Farming Story
There was a young man named Ahmed who bought a donkey from old farmer Farouk for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. When Farouk drove up the next day he says, 'I am sorry but I
have some bad news - the donkey is on my truck but he be dead.'
Ahmed replies, 'Well then, just give me my money back.'
'Can't do that,' burrs the farmer, 'I went out and spent it already.'
sighs, 'OK just unload the donkey anyway.'
Farouk then asks, 'What are you gonna do with a dead donkey an' that?' I'll raffle him off,' laughs Ahmed.
The farmer exclaimed, 'Aargh, you can't raffle
off a dead donkey.'
But Ahmed with a big smile on his face tells Farouk, 'Sure I can. Watch. Just don't tell anyone the donkey is dead.'
A month later the farmer Farouk met up with Ahmed and asks,
'Whatever happened to that dead donkey?'
Ahmed answers, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 each and made a huge profit.'
Totally amazed the farmer Farouk enquires, 'Didn't anyone complain
that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?'
'The only one who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner,' chuckled Ahmed, 'so when he came to claim his
prize I gave him his $2.00 back plus $200.00 extra, which is double the going value of a dead donkey, so he thought I was a great fellow.'
Chicken Farmer Joke
Old Podgy - Prize Rooster
Thomas was a chicken farmer; his farm was dedicated to the fertilized egg
business. In his farmyard, Thomas had 450 young hens to lay the eggs.
Incidentally, at this stage the female hens are called 'pullets'. Now to
fertilise the eggs, which the pullets laid, Thomas had 12 male birds called
The farmer kept careful records, and any rooster that didn't perform went
straight into the cooking pot and a replacement introduced. Thomas found
this task time consuming, so he bought a dozen tiny bells and attached one
to each of his roosters. Cunningly, each bell had a different ring tone so
Thomas could tell from from the comfort of his porch, which rooster was
So now Thomas could sit on his rocking chair and tick the boxes on his
efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favourite
rooster was Old Podgy, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this
particular morning Thomas noticed Old Podgy's bell hadn't rung at all!
Thomas went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, their bells-a-ringing. The
pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer
Thomas's amazement, Old Podgy had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Thomas was so proud of Old Podgy, he entered him in the Worcester County
Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...
The judges not only awarded Old Podgy the No Bell Piece Prize, but also they
awarded him the Pulletsurprise!
Please send us your funny farming jokes.
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