- World Cup 2014 One-liners
- Comedian Gatecrashes England's Departure
- Some Funny, Short Soccer Jokes
- Funny World Cup Stories
- World Cup 2014 Mascot Fuleco The Armadillo
- More World Cup Jokes
Eternal JokeI met a fairy today who said she would grant me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said. "Sorry," said the fairy, "but I am not allowed to grant that type of wish." "Fine," I said, "then I want to die when England next win the World Cup." "You crafty devil!" said the fairy.
World Cup 2014 - Jokes From Brazil
- The England team visited an orphanage in São Paulo today. "It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Bernardo, aged seven.
- David Blaine is reportedly furious after England crashed out of the World Cup - his record of doing absolutely nothing in a box for 42 days was broken by Wayne Rooney.
- Why did the chicken cross the road? According to Fifa's cameras it didn't traverse the white line.
- I hear Oxo are making a new product. The packaging is white with a red cross and they're calling it the 'Laughing stock'.
Observe how Simon Brodkin, AKA as Lee Nelson, is booted and suited identically to the English football squad members, he is even waving his passport. Brodkin might have got away with his stunt, remember that many of the squad don't actually know each other, but fortunately Steven Gerrard knows everybody, he rumbled Simon's ruse straightaway, and hollered for the security officers. [Footnote: Brazilians themselves favour humour based on slapstick or parody.]
England's Heroes Return HomeWhen the English Football Team flew home from Brazil, they arrived to a rapturous welcome at the airport. Hundreds of fans clapped, cheered and waved flags as the team disembarked from the airplane. Roy Hodgson, the coach, was smiling as he told the waiting reporters. "I am delighted to be in Scotland and very happy that the plane was diverted to Glasgow Airport".
Listen Out For Bloopers in CommentaryPerhaps unfairly, David Coleman is forever assocated with Colemanballs during his commentary. Here are 5 classic football bloopers:
- If that had gone in it would have been a goal. David Coleman
- Don't tell those coming in now the result of that fantastic match. Now let's have another look at Italy's winning goal. David Coleman
- England don't have to score tonight, but they do have to win. Billy McNeill, Football Pundit
- I am a firm believer that if you score one goal the other team have to score two to win. Howard Wilkinson
- Wilkins sends an inch perfect pass to no one in particular. Byron Butler
Match FixingNigeria and Argentina's 1-1 draw will go ahead on 25th June, despite match fixing allegations.
The Laws of FootballAt one point during a football match in Brazil, the coach said to one of his young players, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?' The little boy nodded in the affirmative. 'Do you understand that what matters is how we play together as a team?' The little boy nodded yes. 'So, 'the coach continued, 'When offside is given, or a foul is not seen, you don't argue or swear or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?' Again the little boy nodded. 'Good', said the coach, 'Now go over there and explain it to your mother.'
The 2014 World Cup BallThe ball is a new 6-panelled 'Brazuca' made by Adidas. It's interesting how each World Cup rubbishes the previous ball, and then makes zillions through producing a new super-duper ball. Contrast the 2014 ball with those of the first World Cup final in 1930, the first half of that first final was played with an Argentinian ball, while in the second half they used a ball made in Uruguay - unbelievable! This 1930 final was the original 'game of two halves'. Half time: Uruguay 1 : 2 Argentina Full time: Uruguay 4 : 2 Argentina
Court Ruling from the UKA seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
Memory ManRobbie, the Scouser, [person born in Liverpool, England], is touring America on holiday and stops in a remote bar in the hills of Montana. He's chatting to the barman when he sees an old native American sitting in a corner-complete with full tribal gear, long plaits and wrinkles. 'Who's he?' enquires Robbie. 'That's the Memory Man,' responds the barman. 'He knows everything. He can remember any sporting fact. Go and try him out.' So Robbie wanders over and asks, 'Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?' 'Liverpool,' replies the Memory Man. Robbie is flabbergasted. 'Who did they beat?' 'Leeds,' is the reply.' And the score?' '2-1.' Amazed but not totally convinced Robbie Dave tries something more specific. 'Who scored the winning goal?' Without blinking the native American replies, 'Ian St John.' Robbie, the Liverpudlian returns home and regales his relatives and friends with his tale, and he's determined to return and pay his respects to this amazing man. Ten years later he has saved enough money and returns to America. After weeks of searching through the towns of Montana, Dave Robbie, the Scouser steps forward, bows and greets the old man in his traditional native tongue, 'How.' The Memory Man squints at Robbie and says, 'Diving header in the six-yard box.'
World Cup Records That Are Unlikely to be Broken in Brazil 2014
- Number of individual goals scored in the competition - 13 (Just Fontane in 1958)
- Attendance - 173,000 [++] in the Estádio do Maracanã. (Brazil 1 : 2 Uruguay)
- Youngest World Cup player - 17 years 41 days (Norman Whiteside Northern Ireland 1982)
- Fastest red card - 56 seconds, Batista on Gordon Strachan (1986)
- Only one Englishman has won the Golden Boot (Gary Lineker 1986)
In football everything is complicated by the presence of the opposite team. Jean Paul Sartre Everything I know about morality and the obligations of men, I owe it to football. Alfred Camus (Philosopher and goalkeeper)
Tax ProblemApparently, the England FA is under investigation by the HMRC for tax evasion. Word is Lancaster Gate have been claiming for Silver Polish for the past 48 years.
God's Football Team -v- Devil's TeamGod, and the devil were each having a holiday in hyper-space. The topic of conversation turned to who could turn out the best football team. Much to the God's surprise the devil proposed a football match to settle their dispute. As God was leaving he said to the devil, "Don't you realise that all the 'good' players go to heaven?" The devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the refs!" See funny soccer referee jokes. Note: Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead. Erma Bombeck
Scottish RefereeWhat do you call a Scottish player in the first round of the World Cup? The Referee. [Funny how one referee joke reminds you of another]
World Cup RefereeIt was the World Cup Final dinner and dance held in the evening, after the final. The festivities were in full swing when three newcomers arrived without tickets. 'It's all right,' said one, 'we're friends of the referee.' 'Whoever heard of a referee with three friends?', said the bouncer as he threw them out.
- An edition of Observer Sport Monthly featured a small item about a Moroccan parachutist. The one who, at the opening ceremony for the 1988 African Nations Cup in Casablanca, watched by royalty and the most important men in world football, delayed kick-off by missing the pitch and getting tangled up in the floodlights, where he hung upside down for 45 minutes.
- During the last Nations Cup in Mali two years ago, there was a full-scale punch-up on the pitch, involving a Cameroon coach and Malian soldiers. The coach, a former World Cup goalkeeper, had placed a charm in the Mali net. Witchcraft, juju, call it what you like.
- My favourite was the tale of the South African team which drove out of town, walked backwards and barefoot off the team bus into the bush until they found a termite mound, urinated on it, then walked backwards to the bus again - and still didn't win the league.
- A Manchester cinema, for the World Cup Finals 2002, offered sushi-flavoured popcorn for England's matches.