A young girl in New York City was pet-sitting a dog while a couple was
out of town on vacation. Unfortunately, the dog died from natural
causes while the owners were away on their holiday. This girl phoned
the dog's owners and asked them what she should do. Since they were
going to be out of town a while they asked her to take the poor deceased
animal to the vet where they would cremated their beloved pet.
Now this dog was large and heavy and she was unable to carry it.
Being in the city with no car, she had to find a way to transport the dog to
the vet's surgery. She hit about the idea of packing the dead dog in
to a suitcase with wheels. Thus she set off with dog in the suitcase.
She walked down the street and on the way to the subway. When she
emerged from the subway the escalator was not working so she had to struggle
up the stairs with dog in the suitcase.
At this point a well-dressed man came along and offered the help her with
her bag. Because it was so heavy, he made a comment along the lines of
"wow what do you have in this thing?" She did not want to tell him
there was a deceased dog in the bag so she replied "I am transporting".
After hearing there were computers in the bag, he then ran off with it.
This girl was left having to explain to the pet's owners what happened to
their poor beloved pet. To date nobody has heard anything about where
the poor deceased pet ended up.
As for the robber, I can't imagine what he did after opening the
suitcase. Serves him right for stealing from a vulnerable young girl.
The last wedding I was at there was a priest and a minister present.
When they brought the drinks round for the toast, the minister said,
'I'll have a large whisky.'
The priest commented, 'No alcohol for me I'd rather go with a scarlet
So the minister put his drink back and murmured, 'Sorry I
didn't know there was a choice.'
Now as the best man, I don't want to offend anyone so if there is a
priest or a minister present I apologise, and if there is a scarlet
woman here: I'll meet you in the bar in 10 minutes!
How is it that those two circles appear to rotate in opposite directions?
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Will and Guy thought that dog ice-cream was just another shaggy dog
story; we should have known better, there are numerous real products for
this growing market. Another example of role reversal where the pets
Doggy treats Yoghund
We assumed from the name 'Yoghund' that this peanut butter and frozen yogurt came from Germany,
but no, it's sold in pet stores in 23 states in the USA. There is also
a product called Polar Pups, a cool treat made with soy milk. Fact is
stranger than fiction.
Panting Peanut Mutter
A company called Wagg Foods in Yorkshire, England have developed a doggy
treat made from frozen yoghurt, Panting Peanut Mutter, Oaty Pawfection and
Chase Your Tail Cheesecake. And hidden in the ice cream are dog biscuits.
Tom Page, at Wagg Foods, said: "Brits are well known for being a nation
of dog lovers - with their pets often becoming one of the family. "Because
of this we often treat them the same as our kids, although the titbits we
give them aren't always healthy or safe for dogs. "We wanted to develop a
dog-friendly icy treat which owners could feel confident would help cool
down their pet and still be healthy - meaning dog and owner could both enjoy
everyone's favourite summer pleasure together."
Nicola Purcell, whose dog Lawrence was one of the first to try the ice
cream, said: "I love ice cream and Lawrence will always pester me and ask to
lick out the tub; he won't stop until he gets his way."
See more of our Funny Shaggy
Jack the Treacle Eater - Funny Folly House
story heard by Will and Guy is that of "Jack the Treacle Eater". The
legend tells us that Jack
was a local runner whose role was to carry messages for the Messiter family
of Barwick Park, to London and back; we were told that he trained on
treacle, to keep him going and hence his name.
Now, his commemorative tower can be found in Barwick Park, Somerset,
England. Does the picture to the right remind you of a man with
huge thighs? Or can you imagine those stones in the garden folly
to be the messages?
See lots more Funny Folly
Lightning and Trees
Detailed and recent research on lightning deaths has led us to want
publicise the results: which trees [if at all] you might stand under in the
event of a thunderstorm?
- It is extremely dangerous to stand under any tree during a
- It is even more dangerous to stand under an oak than any other kind
- The next most risky trees to stand under are poplars and Scots
- If you are determined be a complete maniac and stand under a tree
during a lightning strike, but don't actually want to die, head for a
beech. They are ten times less likely to be hit than oaks.
- According to the very few studies done, you are also much less
likely to be hit by lightning under a sycamore, hawthorn or holly tree.
Stairway to Heaven
See more on our
Paul, an accomplished juggler was driving to his next performance in
Baltimore when he is stopped by the Highway patrol.
'What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?' enquires
'I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act,' announces Paul
'Oh yeah?' says the doubtful cop. 'Let's see you do it then.'
Sighing, Paul the juggler climbs out of his motor and starts juggling the
blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. 'Wow,' says the driver to his
wife. 'I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now.'
An Irishman goes to his dentist and gets all his teeth taken out. When he
returned home he said, 'Never again'.
Funny Pub Names
We think these are good pub names, if Will and Guy were to open a new
hostelry, this would be our short list of pub names:
- Devil's Punchbowl
- The Elusive Camel
- The Hung Drawn And Quartered
- The Fawcett Inn
- Dirty Nelly's
- The Hairy Lemon
- The Three-Legged Mare [locally known as The Wonky Donkey]
- The Hog In The Pound
- Pig and Whistle
- The Roaring Donkey
- Spread Eagle
- Dirty Dick's
- Filthy Mc Nasty's
Ten Funny and Strange Ideas
- He that is afraid of bad luck will never know good. - Russian
- I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer
thinks he can get me five. - Stephen Wright
- It is bad luck to fall out of a thirteenth story window on
Friday. - American Proverb
- I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me
and the second one didn't. - Patrick Murray
- Do you believe that getting married on a Friday brings bad
luck ? Of course, why would Friday be an exception? - Anon
- If a funeral car passes you should hide your thumb. - Japanese
- A black cat crossing the street in front of you causes bad
- A rabbit's foot, a four-clover leaf, or a horseshoe, may ward
off bad luck to the owner.
- Shallow men believe in luck. Strong men believe in cause and
effect. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
- Luck never made a man wise. - Seneca
See more about bad
luck - if you dare!
Funny Swine Flu Pictures and Jokes
We appreciate that swine flu is a serious problem and that people who
contract the virus may die. However, throughout history, catastrophes have
been resolutely faced by using humour. We feel that these "jokes" fit that
construct. We hope you agree.
- Swine flu is spread by capitalist pigs
- Swine Fever is a song by Piggy Lee
- I had a bad day yesterday, I made a pig's ear of everything I tried
- I think I have the swine flu. I have the sudden urge to eat bacon
- I think I have swine flu: I've broken out in rashers
- Apparently my mate's got Swine Flu, I think he's just telling
- Will there be a mass outbreak of Human/Avian Swine flu? When pigs
- For a normal flu, we say "achoo", but for swine flu we say "achoink"
Any flu virus provides a serious threat, especially to the very old and
the very young. While the swine flu is not MORE virulent than previous
strains of influenza, our problem is that of May 2009 scientists have
not had time to produce a vaccine. As a result the virus can spread
more quickly than with 'normal' strains, this is why the swine flu is
referred to as pandemic - world-wide.
It is instructive to review the Spanish flu of 1918. In countries
such as USA and UK about 25% of the population were INFECTED. Of those
infected approximately 3% died. While the percentages are much lower than I would
have guessed, nevertheless the flu caused a huge number of actual
fatalities, in the USA alone there were 500,000. Naturally these
take into account the misery suffered by those who survived the virus, both
for themselves and caring for sick relatives.
See more of our swine flu
'Waiter - There's a Fly
in My Champagne'
A multi-national company held a reception to celebrate Christmas.
The waiter gave each
guest a glass of champagne, but on inspection, each guest
noticed that their glass contained a fly.
- The Swede asked for new champagne in the same glass
- The Englishman
demanded to have new champagne in a new glass
- The Finn picked out the fly out and drank the champagne
- The Russian drank the champagne, fly and all
- The Chinese ate the fly but left the champagne
- The Israeli caught the fly and
sold it to the Chinese
- The Italian drank two thirds of the champagne and then demanded to
have a new glass
- The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish
- The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the champagne, which he then
donated to the Englishman
- The American sued the restaurant and claimed
for a $50 million compensation
- The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the
throat and shouted, 'Now spit out all that you swallowed.'
Credit Crunch Jokes
- The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet. The car's been
- A director decided to award a prize of £50 for the best idea of
saving the company money during the credit crunch. It was won by a young
executive who suggested reducing the prize money to £10.
- How do you define an optimist? A bank manager who irons 5 shirts on
- A man went to his bank manager and said, 'I'd like to start a small
business. How do I go about it?'
'Simple,' said the bank manager. 'Buy a
big one and wait.'
- What's the difference between an investment banker and a pizza
Margherita? A pizza Margherita can feed a family of five.
See more Credit Crunch
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