Pet-sittingA young girl in New York City was pet-sitting a dog while a couple was out of town on vacation. Unfortunately, the dog died from natural causes while the owners were away on their holiday. This girl phoned the dog's owners and asked them what she should do. Since they were going to be out of town a while they asked her to take the poor deceased animal to the vet where they would cremated their beloved pet. Now this dog was large and heavy and she was unable to carry it. Being in the city with no car, she had to find a way to transport the dog to the vet's surgery. She hit about the idea of packing the dead dog in to a suitcase with wheels. Thus she set off with dog in the suitcase. She walked down the street and on the way to the subway. When she emerged from the subway the escalator was not working so she had to struggle up the stairs with dog in the suitcase. At this point a well-dressed man came along and offered the help her with her bag. Because it was so heavy, he made a comment along the lines of "wow what do you have in this thing?" She did not want to tell him there was a deceased dog in the bag so she replied "I am transporting". After hearing there were computers in the bag, he then ran off with it. This girl was left having to explain to the pet's owners what happened to their poor beloved pet. To date nobody has heard anything about where the poor deceased pet ended up. As for the robber, I can't imagine what he did after opening the suitcase. Serves him right for stealing from a vulnerable young girl. See more funny wedding speech jokes.
Lightning and TreesDetailed and recent research on lightning deaths has led us to want publicise the results: which trees [if at all] you might stand under in the event of a thunderstorm?
- It is extremely dangerous to stand under any tree during a thunderstorm.
- It is even more dangerous to stand under an oak than any other kind of tree.
- The next most risky trees to stand under are poplars and Scots pines.
- If you are determined be a complete maniac and stand under a tree during a lightning strike, but don't actually want to die, head for a beech. They are ten times less likely to be hit than oaks.
- According to the very few studies done, you are also much less likely to be hit by lightning under a sycamore, hawthorn or holly tree.
Stairway to HeavenSee more on our amazing staircases
An Irishman goes to his dentist and gets all his teeth taken out. When he returned home he said, 'Never again'.
Funny Pub NamesWe think these are good pub names, if Will and Guy were to open a new hostelry, this would be our short list of pub names:
- Devil's Punchbowl
- The Elusive Camel
- The Hung Drawn And Quartered
- The Fawcett Inn
- Dirty Nelly's
- The Hairy Lemon
- The Three-Legged Mare [locally known as The Wonky Donkey]
- The Hog In The Pound
- Pig and Whistle
- The Roaring Donkey
- Spread Eagle
- Dirty Dick's
- Filthy Mc Nasty's
Ten Funny and Strange Ideas about Luck
- He that is afraid of bad luck will never know good. - Russian proverb
- I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. - Stephen Wright
- It is bad luck to fall out of a thirteenth story window on Friday. - American Proverb
- I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't. - Patrick Murray
- Do you believe that getting married on a Friday brings bad luck ? Of course, why would Friday be an exception? - Anon
- If a funeral car passes you should hide your thumb. - Japanese belief
- A black cat crossing the street in front of you causes bad luck.
- A rabbit's foot, a four-clover leaf, or a horseshoe, may ward off bad luck to the owner.
- Shallow men believe in luck. Strong men believe in cause and effect. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
- Luck never made a man wise. - Seneca
Funny Swine Flu Pictures and JokesWe appreciate that swine flu is a serious problem and that people who contract the virus may die. However, throughout history, catastrophes have been resolutely faced by using humour. We feel that these "jokes" fit that construct. We hope you agree.
- Swine flu is spread by capitalist pigs
- Swine Fever is a song by Piggy Lee
- I had a bad day yesterday, I made a pig's ear of everything I tried
- I think I have the swine flu. I have the sudden urge to eat bacon
- I think I have swine flu: I've broken out in rashers
- Apparently my mate's got Swine Flu, I think he's just telling porkies, though
- Will there be a mass outbreak of Human/Avian Swine flu? When pigs fly...
- For a normal flu, we say "achoo", but for swine flu we say "achoink"
'Waiter - There's a Fly in My Champagne'A multi-national company held a reception to celebrate Christmas. The waiter gave each guest a glass of champagne, but on inspection, each guest noticed that their glass contained a fly.
- The Swede asked for new champagne in the same glass
- The Englishman demanded to have new champagne in a new glass
- The Finn picked out the fly out and drank the champagne
- The Russian drank the champagne, fly and all
- The Chinese ate the fly but left the champagne
- The Israeli caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese
- The Italian drank two thirds of the champagne and then demanded to have a new glass
- The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish
- The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the champagne, which he then donated to the Englishman
- The American sued the restaurant and claimed for a $50 million compensation
- The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and shouted, 'Now spit out all that you swallowed.'
Credit Crunch Jokes
- The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet. The car's been repossessed.
- A director decided to award a prize of £50 for the best idea of saving the company money during the credit crunch. It was won by a young executive who suggested reducing the prize money to £10.
- How do you define an optimist? A bank manager who irons 5 shirts on Sunday night.
- A man went to his bank manager and said, 'I'd like to start a small business. How do I go about it?' 'Simple,' said the bank manager. 'Buy a big one and wait.'
- What's the difference between an investment banker and a pizza Margherita? A pizza Margherita can feed a family of five.