Here are a dozen or so useful pieces of advice designed to put you in a reflective
mood. These sayings are not strictly jokes, but offer a useful change of pace as you flick through Will and Guy's
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
As I've Matured... I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that one good turn gets
most of the blankets.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to
I've learned that you shouldn't
compare yourself to others -- they are more screwed up than you think.
learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think
I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
I've learned that ex's
are like fungus, which keeps coming back.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned age is a very high price to
pay for maturity.
I've learned that artificial
intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I've learned that I don't
suffer from insanity - I enjoy it!
Make Sure They Get Your Name
Ian arrived at a very popular restaurant and he was dismayed to find it very crowded. Approaching the hostess Ian asked, 'Will it be long?'
The hostess, seemingly
ignoring Ian continued writing in her reservations book.
Thinking she had possibly not heard him the first time, Ian decided to ask again. 'How much time is the wait for a table?'
from her book, the hostess smiled and said, 'Oh, only about ten minutes. We will inform you when your table is ready.'
A short time later, Ian heard an announcement over the intercom system, 'Willette
B. Long......... Willette B. Long, your table is ready.'
One evening after work John drove his secretary home after she was unable to start her car. Not wanting to bother his wife, Maureen, he decided not to mention it to her.
Later that night John and
Maureen were driving out to eat when the John spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it
out of his window.
They arrived at the restaurant a short time later and were about to get out of the car when Maureen enquired, 'John, have you seen my other shoe?'
See more wise words, witticisms and quotes
Funny words of wisdom •
Wise words •
Funny thoughts to ponder •
A funny word
Witty funny quotes •
Famous people sayings •
Wisdom sayings •
Perks for over 60s
Meaning of words •
Funny thought of the day •
Rules of life •
Funny put downs