I fought the lawn, and the lawn won!
- Funny Lawn Mower Jokes
- Cutting It Fine
- Blodwen's Lawn Mower
- Come Hell or High Water
- God and St. Francis
- New Mowing Machine
- Gardening Jokes
A sign on the lawn at a
drug rehab center said:
'Keep off the Grass.'
- A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is
blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.
- Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They are difficult to get
started, and then they don't work half the time.
- There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as
your neighbour's. Clyde Moore
- Will - Why do you water your lawn with whisky?
Guy - So that it comes
- My neighbour Bill asked if he could use my lawnmower. I told him of
course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
- What do you call someone who used to like tractors?An extractor
- What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
Simon's motor mower had broken down. His wife, Maria, kept dropping hints
about getting it fixed before the grass grew too tall, but the message
wasn't getting through, and Simon kept procrastinating and putting off doing
Frustrated, Maria decided on what she thought was a clever way to make
her point. When Simon arrived home from work, he found Maria sitting in the
grass, clipping it by hand with a tiny pair of scissors.
Simon, totally amazed, watched silently for a few minutes, then went into
the house only to appear again a few minutes later where he handed her a
'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
sidewalks,' said Simon ungraciously.
Cutting the Grass
Michael O'Leary was waiting at the bus stop with his friend, Paddy
Maguire, when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.
O'Leary opined, 'I'm gonna do that when I win de lottery, Maguire.'
'What's that, Michael?' responds his mate.
'Send me lawn away to be cut,' concludes O'Leary.
How plants warn each other of danger. Amazingly scientists at
Exeter University have made a video showing that plants alert each other to
What happens is if a plant is under attack it releases a gas which warns
neighbouring plants to protect themselves. Professor Stewart explains
how the Earth's development was driven by plants and how they have adapted
Mrs Blodwen Roberts was looking out of her front window one Sunday when
she saw her neighbour coming up the drive dressed in his gardening clothes.
'He must be coming to borrow our lawn-mower,' Blodwen remarked to Mr
Roberts indignantly, 'And on Sunday too. The very idea. Shameful. I won't
let him have it. I'll tell him we haven't got one.'
Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
So that they can navigate back to their house!
Overnight, a torrential rain storm soaked Southern England.
When morning dawned the resulting floodwaters came up about 5 feet into
most of the homes in the south Portsmouth area, an area below sea level.
Doreen Bryant was sitting on top her roof with her next door neighbour,
Molly Borden waiting for the emergency services to rescue them.
Doreen noticed a lone straw hat floating near the house. Then she saw it
float far out into the front garden, then float all the way back to the
house, it kept floating away from the house, then back in. Her curiosity got
the best of her, so she asked Molly, 'Do you see that straw hat floating
away from the house, then back again?'
'Oh yes, Doreen,' grinned Molly, 'that's Bert, my husband, wearing his
gardening hat; he told me yesterday that he was going to cut the grass today
come Hell or high water.'
One afternoon a rich man was riding in his limousine when
he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'
'We don't have any money for food,'
the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'
'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the rich man said.
'But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,
under that tree.'
'Bring them along,' the rich man replied. Turning to the other poor man he announced, 'You come with us, also.'
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife
and six children with me.'
'Bring them all, as well,' the rich fellow answered.
They all climb in the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor
fellows turned to the rich gent and said, 'Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.'
The rich man replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot
At the Cheltenham jumps racing festival last March, Murphy leaned over
and whispered to his fiend Seamus, 'Now would you be wanting the winner of
the next race?'
'Oh, no thanks, Murphy,' said Seamus, 'I've only got a small garden.'
GOD: St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is
going on down there in the USA? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand
drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees and flocks of songbirds.
I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are
these green rectangles.
ST. FRANCIS: It's
the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers weeds and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But it's
so boring. It's
not colorful. It doesn't
attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's
temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that
grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the
GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it,
sometimes twice a week.
GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they
ST. FRANCIS: No, sir -- just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to
throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.
GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: You aren't
going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stoke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they
fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's
a natural circle of life.
FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD: No. What do they do to
protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and
spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD: Enough! I don't
want to think about this
anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE: Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's
a real stupid movie about ...
GOD: Never mind, I think I just
heard the whole story from St. Francis
Sign of the Times?
A lawn mower race had to be cut back because recession hit owners
couldn't afford the petrol. Fewer than half of the teams who normally sign
up for the 12 hour race at Brinsbury College, Pulborough, last weekend, were
able to take part. Organisers have blamed the international financial crisis
had meant competitors didn't have the cash to maintain or fuel their grass
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