I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to
please everybody.
Bill Cosby

  • Bigamist Plumber
  • Henri Darque – Magician
  • Mark Ashby – Schoolboy
  • Joan Slote – Cyclist
  • Food, Family and Philosophy
  • Anonymous Accountant
  • Best of the Best Heroic Failures

Bigamist Plumber

A plumber sent to prison on a driving charge had pleaded with Walton-on-Thames magistrates not to jail him as he was due to marry the next week.

The local
newspaper reported the case thus alerting his wife that he was about to commit bigamy.

Henri Darque – Magician

In Paris, France, magician Henri Darque managed to extricate himself from a pad-locked box… after three weeks! The illusionist had himself strapped inside a straitjacket and
locked in the container, as a large audience looked on. Darque was supposed to escape within five minutes, but he never emerged. He left strict orders with his assistant never to help him out of the box. So
three weeks later, he climbed out of the box… the bored audience had left after the first night.Heroic failure - mohican haircut banned from school

Mark Ashby – Schoolboy

Mark Ashby was given a blue Mohican hairstyle by his parents as a reward for hard work at school in
Omaha, Nebraska.  The school then suspended him for breaking the dress code.

Joan Slote – Cyclist

Joan Slote, aged 74, was fined £4,800 by the US Treasury for going on a cycle tour of Cuba, defying the US embargo of the island. She was also fined £80 for
buying souvenirs.

Food, Family and Philosophy

Mark is about to go out on his first date.  He is extremely is nervous about what to say to his young lady Sandra, so he asks his Dad for advice.  His Dad answers, ‘Mark, there are three subjects that always work
when you are dating.
Remember them and they will be your friends, they are: food, family, and philosophy.’Boy Girl joke

Mark calls for his new girlfriend and they go to a local pub. Drinks in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time with nobody
talking.  Mark’s
nervousness builds up. Then he recalls his Dad’s
advice, and chooses the first subject. He asks Sandra: ‘Do you like crisps?’
She says ‘
No, ‘and the silence immediately returns.

After a few more
uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his Dad’s
second suggestion and he asks, ‘Sandra, do you have a sister?’
Again, the girl says, ‘No’, and silence falls once again.

Mark then plays his last card. He
thinks of his Dad’s
advice and asks Sandra the following question that he is sure will get them talking, ‘If you had a sister, would she like crisps?’

Anonymous Accountant

An accountant in Salem, Pennsylvania, has been charged with ‘defiant trespass’, which carries a two-year prison sentence.  His
alleged crime?  He spoke at a public meeting, objecting to a new sewage disposal plan, for 11 minutes instead of the allotted five.

Best of the Best Heroic Failures

A book entitled ‘Heroic Failures’ written by Stephen Pile. Pub. 1979. contains the best examples of the genre. Will has laughed regularly at the antics described in the book.   It is a book worth dipping into.

a) The worst homing-pigeon: This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead, in a cardboard box eleven years later
from Brazil.

b) The least successful exhibition: The Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents held an exhibition at Harrogate, Yorkshire in 1968. The entire display fell down.

c) The least
successful distribution of anti-virus software: A distinguished software development group of a Computer Studies Department of an Austrian University, known and recognized for their contributions to anti virus
software, proudly announced its most recent product and distributed it to selected testers. Unfortunately the distribution disk was infected by a new type of an virus which could not be detected nor could it be
removed by the previous release of that anti virus software. An awkward call back action was necessary.

d) Worst rugby match: In 1966 a rugby match between a team from Colwyn Bay, Wales and Portmadoc rugby
club was unexpectedly abandoned when at the kick off it was discovered that neither team owned a ball.

Footnote: Guy knows this area of Wales well, the people are notorious for their
tight-fistedness.  For example, ‘Tal’ Evans from Llandudno (nearish to Colwyn Bay), won the world’s ‘Tight Wad’ championships 3 years running.

Finally a Success Story

A farmer in Iowa has bred cows which are less than three feet tall.  He is selling them as pets at
$1,000 each.

Please send us your story of a heroic failure.

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