Amusing Things You Will Never Hear a Woman Say
I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to
play on Saturday too.
Listen, I make enough money for the both of us.
Why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to a 5 or 6.
I'd rather watch golf and drink beer with you than go shopping.
Forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.
A foursome of ladies came back after a round of golf. At the 19th hole in
the Clubhouse, the Pro, Ross, politely asked them, 'How did your game go?'
The first said she had a good round with 25 riders. The second said she
did OK with 16 riders. The third said not too bad since I had 10 riders. The
fourth was disappointed and said that she played badly with only two riders.
Ross was confounded by this term "rider" but not wanting to show his
ignorance just smiled and wish them better golf the next time.
He then approached Jimmy, the bartender, and asked, 'Hey, Jimmy, can you
tell me what does this term "riders" mean?'
Jimmy smiled as he explained to Ross that a "rider" is when you have hit
a shot long enough to take a ride on a golf cart.
Maria and Stephanie were selected to play together as partners in the
Cams Hall Club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time.
After introductions, Maria asked, 'What's your handicap?'
'Oh, I'm a
scratch golfer,' Stephanie replied.
'Really!' exclaimed Maria, suitably impressed that she had been paired
'Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out
the bad ones,' responded Stephanie with a smile.
I play in the low 80s.
If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.
Will and Guy's
Helpful Guide to Female Golfing Terms
Caddy: 2 women talking about a 3rd, who isn't there to
Chip: Time to get our nails done again.
Double Bogie: 'Casablanca' followed by 'African Queen'.
Fairway: Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch.
Good lie: Weight on our driver's license.
Greens: Lunch we eat when you'd really prefer a
Iron: What guys need to learn to do their own shirts.
Rough: Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty much
Slice: No thanks ... just a small portion.
Par: The children's grandfather.
Birdie: Another attractive female golfer.
Wood: Where you can find a ball.
our offside guide for ladies.
The Lady's Tee
It was a sunny Saturday morning on the
Crookhorn municipal golf course, England and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualising my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse tannoy:
'WOULD THE GENTLEMAN ON THE WOMAN'S TEE BACK UP TO THE
MEN'S TEE PLEASE.'
I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement rang out louder', Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee.'
I simply ignored the request and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled', Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE.'
I finally stopped, turned,
looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the microphone and shouted back', Would the person in the clubhouse kindly stop shouting and let me play my second shot'
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Ladies golf course
Have done the dishes
Have you done the washing?
Have you cooked your husband's tea?
If you have done these simple tasks, you may proceed.
Marrying a Golfer - Nearly?
On a beautiful sunny Saturday afternoon, Rory stood on the first
tee at Elmbridge Golf Club. He had just pulled out his driver when a young
woman in a wedding dress came running up to him, crying.
She slaps him in the face, turns and runs away.
Rory turns to his golfing friend and says calmly, 'I don't know what her
problem is. I distinctly told her only if it rained.'
Art for Golfers
More Women Golf Jokes
Golf and Relationships
Women are clever golfers, they shout fore, shoot seven and score three.
See more funny golfing quotes.
Problem Men and Men Problems
Ralph was a smooth operator, and at Southwick Golf Club's annual dance he
attached himself to the prettiest lady golfer in the room and began boasting
'You know,' smarmed Ralph, 'they're all afraid to play me. What do you
think my handicap is?'
'Well, where do you want me to start, Ralph ?' Came her quick
Wedding Anniversary and Golf
Nick was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
Molly, his wife told him, 'Tomorrow there better be something in the
driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat.'
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for Nick have been set for Saturday at his favourite
Alex and Jim are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are
two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but
where it's supposed to go.
Alex comments to Jim, 'Why don't you go over and ask if we can play
Jim gets about halfway there, turns and comes back so Alex
asks, 'What's wrong?'
Jim replies, 'One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress.'
Alex responds, 'That could be a problem. I'll go over and have a word.'
He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too.
says ,'What's wrong?'
Alex murmurs, 'Small world.'
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The Golfer and the Pretty
A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart.
Kerry, a 'beautiful' golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course heard
the noise and yelled over to him. 'Hey, are you okay, what's your name?'
Wayne, I'm Ok,' he replied.
Wayne, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest up and I'll help you
get the cart up later.'
'That's mmmmighty nice of you,' Wayne stammered, but I don't think my
wife would like it.'
Aw come on,' Kerry implored. She was very pretty and persuasive.
'Well okay,' Wayne finally agreed, then added, 'bbb..bbut my wife won't
After a hearty drink and driving and putting lessons, Wayne thanked his
host, 'I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really
'Don't be silly,' Kerry said with a smile, 'she won't know anything. By
the way, where is she?'
'Under the cart.'
Keep Your Head Down
The reason the golf pro tells you
to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. -Phyllis
Martin Goes to the Dentist
Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist's office. Martin
says to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have three buddies
sitting out in my car waiting for us to play golf, so forget about the
anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to
pull the tooth, and be done with it! Today is Friday and we have a 10:00 AM
tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:15 already... ".
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave
man asking to have a tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asks Martin, "Which tooth is it sir?"
Martin turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth and show him
Would You Get Married Again? -
Funny Women Golf Joke from Art Burley
WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.
WIFE: Then why
wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).
WIFE: Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.
HUSBAND: 'Oh dear ... *****'
An Amusing and True Golf Tale
The ante natal clinic at St Mary's Hospital, Trafford, Manchester,
England, was full of pregnant women accompanied by their partners and the
class was in full swing.
Mrs Sally Mackintosh, Midwife, was teaching the women how to breathe
properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to
their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She lectured, 'Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is
especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make
delivery that much easier.'
Sally gazed around slowly and studied the men in the room, 'And
gentlemen, remember; you're in this together, it wouldn't hurt you to go
walking with her.'
The room became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then
Graham, a prospective Dad, at the back of the room, slowly and nervously
raised his hand.
'Yes?' enquired Sally.
'I was just wondering,' stumbled Graham, ' Would it be all right if she
carries a golf bag while we walk?'
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