If you wish to be happy for a day, get drunk.
If you wish to be
happy for a week, kill a pig.
If you wish to be happy for a month,
But if you wish to be happy forever and ever, make a garden.
Two year old Henry was found chewing a slug.
After the initial
surge of disgust his Dad said,
"Well . . . What does it taste like?"
"Worms," was Henry's reply.
Little Joey is helping his grandfather dig up potatoes. 'What I want to
know,' he says, 'is why you buried the darn things in the first place.'
The elementary school cook prided herself on the healthy meals she
provided with lots of vegetables and fruits. When the power failed one day,
the cook couldn't serve a hot meal in the cafeteria, so at the last minute
she whipped up great stacks of peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches. As one
little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about time. At last, a
Q: What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A: A Snap
Q: What do you call a country where the people drive only pink cars?
A: A pink carnation.
Q: What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A: A rash of good luck.
Q: Why don't you ever iron a four-leaf clover?
A: You might press
Q: What do you call a mushroom who buys everyone drinks and is the life
of the party?
A: A fun-gi.
Q: What insect is musical?
A: A humbug.
Q: What do you call it when worms take over the world?
Q: Everyone knows how the Green Giant dresses when he works in the field.
But when he goes to a corporate board meeting, what does he usually wear?
A: A three peas suit.
- A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for
learning how to grow in rows.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;
Wisdom is not putting it in
a fruit salad
- A man walks into the doctors with a parsnip in one ear, a carrot in the
other and his nostrils blocked with broadbeans."What's wrong with me,
"You need to eat more sensibly!"
Organic, or Inorganic?
Pete and Harry were talking one day. "My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC
vegetables from the market garden," said Pete.
"So were you able to find
some?" Harry asked.
"Well when I got to the market, I asked the
gardener, 'These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any
"The gardener answered: 'No, you'll have to do
Experienced Gardener Wanted
The woman applying for a
job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look
Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three
One spring morning, Will and I were in the
garden looking at the flowers we had just planted. As luck would have it, a
bird flew over us leaving his calling card on my clean white shirt.
When I showed Will, he replied without missing a beat, "You know,
Sweetheart, they sing for most folks."
Man to florist: 'I'd like a bunch of
Florist: 'Certainly, sir. What flowers would you like?'
Man: 'Er.. I'm not sure...Ummm..'
Florist: 'Let me help you, sir
exactly have you done?'
It Never Rains....
The manager of the garden centre
overhears one of his nurserymen talking to a customer.
'No, we haven't had any of that in ages,' says the nurseryman. 'And I
don't know when we'll be getting any more.'
The customer leaves and the manager walks over to give him a telling off.
'Never tell a customer we can't get them something,' he says. 'Whatever they
want we can always get it on order and deliver it. D'you understand?'
The nurseryman nods. 'So what did he want?' asks the manager.
replies the nurseryman.
Albert took over an old, run-down,
abandoned allotment. The beds were overgrown with weeds, the shed was
falling down, and the greenhouse was just a frame with broken glass.
During his first day of work, the vicar stopped by to bless Albert's
work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the allotment of
A few months later, the vicar stopped by again. Lo and behold, it was
completely transformed. The shed had been expertly rebuilt, vegetables were
growing in neat rows and the greenhouse had been re-glazed and was full of
plump, ripe tomatoes.
"Amazing!" exclaimed the vicar. "Look what God and you have accomplished
"Yes, reverend," said Albert, "but remember what the place was
like when God was working it alone!"
Jake decides that he wants to start
farming chickens so he goes to the chicken farmer and buys 1000 chicks.
The next month Jake goes back and buys 500 more.
The following month
he goes to the chicken farmer again and buys another 500 chicks, at which
point the chicken farmer comments; "Your chicken farm must be coming along
Jake looks glum and replies, "Sadly no. I'm not sure what I'm doing
wrong. Either I'm planting them too deep, or upside down, or too close
Keep Off The Grass
How do "Keep off the grass" signs get where they are?
One afternoon a rich man was riding in his limousine when
he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'
'We don't have any money for food,'
the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'
'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the rich man said.
'But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,
under that tree.'
'Bring them along,' the rich man replied. Turning to the other poor man he announced, 'You come with us, also.'
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife
and six children with me.'
'Bring them all, as well,' the rich fellow answered.
They all climb in the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor
fellows turned to the rich gent and said, 'Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.'
The rich man replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot
Cutting the Grass
Michael O'Leary was waiting at the bus stop with his friend, Paddy
Maguire, when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.
O'Leary opined, 'I'm gonna do that when I win de lottery, Maguire.'
'What's that, Michael?' responds his mate.
'Send me lawn away to be cut,' concludes O'Leary.
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