Funny Science Jokes

Science often seems mysterious, and thus is a fruitful ground for
humour.  Guy is a qualified science teacher, and Will taught history
and social science. Thus we have an insight into this area of humour.

Funny Science Jokes

• 
  Silly, Funny, and Hilarious Science Examination Answers
• Will and Guy's
  Top Twenty Funny Science Jokes
• 
  True Story About an Anatomist
• Funny Science Questions
  Answered
• Five Funny Short
  Science One-liners

Chemists

'Chemists are a strange class of mortals, impelled by an almost
maniacal
impulse to seek their pleasures amongst smoke and vapour, soot
and flames,
poisons and poverty, yet amongst all these evils I seem to
live so sweetly
that I would rather die than change places with the
King of Persia.'

Johann Joachim Becher, "Physica subterranea" (1667)

Silly, Funny, Hilarious and Drole Science Examination Answers

[Spelling
mistakes left in!]

• Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free
  state.
• Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and
  caterpillars.
• Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood
  is affirmative or negative.
• The moon is a planet just like the Earth,
  only it is even deader.
• The pistol of a flower is its only protection
  against insects.
• A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the
  more extinct it is.
• For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if it's
  a lady, rub her arm above the hand. Or put her head between the knees of
  the nearest medical doctor.
• Equator: a menagerie lion running around
  Earth through Africa.
• Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.
• Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin.
  Hydrogin is gin and water.
• The skeleton is what is left after the
  insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The
  purpose of the skeleton is so that there is something to hitch the meat
  to.
• To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
• The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the
  abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain. The borax contains the
  heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which
  there are five - A, E, I, O, and U.

Will and Guy's Top Twenty Funny Science Jokes

1. Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who travelled in ten
   different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of
   many cultures.
2. 'This scientific paper contains much that is new and much that is
   true. Unfortunately, that which is true is not new and that which is
   new is not true.'
3. A chemistry teacher was berating the students for not learning the
   Periodic Table of the Elements. She said, 'Why when I was your age I
   knew both their names and weights.'One pupil opined, 'Yeah,
   but Miss, there were so few of them back then.'
4. Here in
   California, when a bridge falls down, we know it must be San Andreas'
   Fault!
5. When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
6. A sign hanging on a laboratory door: "Gone Nuclear Fission."
7. What's a
   nuclear physicist's favourite meal? Fission chips.
8. A quantum physicist
   walks into a bar... ...maybe.
9. What's the difference between a quantum
   mechanic and an auto mechanic? The quantum mechanic can get inside without
   opening the door.
10. Who solves mysteries involving electricity? Sherlock
    Ohms
11. Why is electricity so dangerous? Because it doesn't know how to
    conduct itself properly.
12. If an experiment works, something has
    definitely gone wrong.
13. What do you do with a dead chemist? Barium.
14. Why are chemists perfect for solving problems? Because they have all the
    solutions.
15. Where do you put dirty dishes? In the zinc.
16. Why do
    chemists prefer nitrates? Because they're cheaper than day rates.
17. Atom:
    I'd like to report a missing electron.
    Policeman: Are you sure?
    Atom: Yes, I'm positive!
18. What's the first thing you should learn in
    chemistry? Never lick the spoon.
19. What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry
    labs? Methylated Spirits.
20. When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe,
    you expire.

See more funny biology
jokes »

Astronomy: Funny Jokes and Stories

While living on Earth might be expensive, at least we get a free trip
around the Sun every year.

Will and Guy think that Copernicus' parents said the following to him
at the age of twelve, 'Copernicus, young man, when are you going to come
to terms with the fact that the world does not revolve around you.'

Five, Fascinating and Fun Astronomical Facts

The Sun is 4.5 billion years old and produces 383 billion trillion
kilowatts of energy.

The Moon is the only non-Earth object upon which a man has walked.

Depending upon how hot the white dwarf star is, its colour varies from
blue, white, yellow, or red.

According to scientists, in around 5 billion years, a day on Earth will
be 48 hours long and somewhere during that time the Sun will explode.

The lightning in the sky is nearly 3 times hotter than the Sun.

Student Writes Home

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and
$tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything
I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love
to hear from you.
Love, Your $on.

The Reply:

Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy
are
eNOugh to keep even an hoNOurs student busy. Do
NOt forget that the
pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble
task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad

Einstein's Favourite Limerick

There was an old lady called Whyte
who could travel much faster than
light.
She departed one day
in a relative way
and returned on
the previous night.

Ten Little Known Facts About Relativity

1. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
2. Energy equals milk chocolate square (attributed to Albert E. Hersey)
3. Delivery of Christmas gifts by Santa to the children of the world
   is now accomplished by riding Rudolf the red-shift reindeer.
4. The
   general relativity theory of gravitation is responsible for people falling
   in love.
5. The speed of an IRS tax refund is constant.
6. Anger
   is neither created nor conserved but only changed from one form to
   another.
7. The speed of time is one second per second, which is also
   called the fundamental unity.
8. Death and taxes are the same for all
   constantly moving observers.
9. Moving midgets are shortened.
10. Divorce and alimony are equivalent but the latter is multiplied by an
    enormous factor.

Laws of Funny Feline Physics

Law of Cat Inertia: A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless
acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a
nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion: A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is
a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism: All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat
hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics: Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body,
except in case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching: A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to
the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping: All cats must sleep with people whenever possible,
in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable
for the cat, as possible.

Law of Cat Elongation: A cat can make her body long enough to reach any
counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction: A cat must lie on the floor in a position to
obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration: A cat will accelerate at a constant rate,
until he gets good and ready to stop.

Chemistry: Humour, Funny Jokes and Stories

You may be a chemist if
you can't stand the expression: 'A watched pot never boils'.

It should
be 'A watched pot and an unwatched pot boil at EXACTLY the same rate.'

Salty Water Question

Question: If you pour a handful of salt into a full glass of water does
the water level go down, or does the glass overflow?

If you start with pure water, and add a small amount of salt then the
level will go down slightly, there will be no overflow.  This is the
reason (true!)

There is space between water molecules. When you pour the salt slowly,
this fills up the space between the molecules. Salt (NaCl) readily
dissolves in water producing Na+ and Cl- ions. Na+ goes to the negative
end of H20 molecule and CL- goes to the positive end of H2O molecule.
In this way the force of attraction decreases the total volume of the
salt solution.  This effect only continues until no more salt can
dissolve in the water.

Guy's Handy Guide to Ph.D. Research

Working on your Ph.D.? You might see it as a monumental task, but don't
sweat it. Make the process easier by using these 10 trusty techniqes:

1. Experience is directly proportional to the quantity of equipment
   ruined or destroyed.
2. Past experience is always correct, and should never be misled by
   present facts.
3. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
4. Don't believe in miracles - rely on them.
5. Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
6. No matter what result is anticipated, someone will always fit the
   facts to it.
7. The probability of an event occurring is inversely proportional to
   its desirability.
8. The quantity which when added to, subtracted from, divided into,
   or multiplied by the results obtained experimentally to give the
   correct result, is known as a constant.
9. Experiments must be reproducible, they should fail in the same
   way.
10. For neatness, always draw the curves first and afterward plot the
    data.

The Chemistry Final Exam

In 2013 there were two young men called Tony and Peter who were reading
Chemistry at Jesus College Oxford, England and who did pretty well on all
of the midterm exams.

These Tony and Peter were so confident that the weekend before finals
they decided to go up to London and party with some friends up there. So
they did this and had a great time.

However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day
Sunday and didn't make it back until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final exam then, they found the professor and
explained to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went
up to London for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to
study, but that they had a flat tyre on the way back, didn't have a spare
and couldn't get help for a long time. The professor thought this over and
then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The
Peter and Tony were elated and relieved.

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that
the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed
each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about
molarity and solutions and was worth 5 marks.
'Great, 'they thought,
'this is going to be easy.'

They completed that problem and then turned the page.

They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It
said: For 95 marks: "Which tyre was flat?"

More Funny Science Jokes

• Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn.
• Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. But I don't know why.
• Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
• A parent said on Open Evening that she hoped her son, who was good at
  science, would be a scientologist one day.
• Charles
  Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.

See more funny biology
jokes »

An Amusing Science Story

A scientist has come up with proof of something students have known for
years: chemistry lectures are boring. In an article published in the
current issue of Chemistry in Britain, a university chemistry lecturer
introduced a guest lecturer to a class of 50 doctoral candidates.

Then, he and his colleagues studied variations in what he calls the
HTFDR: "head-to-floor distance reduction."

After about an hour, the average HTFDR dropped from 135cm to 121cm,
said the author of the study, who preferred to remain anonymous.

The HTFDR immediately bounced back to normal when the speaker uttered
the magic words: 'And in conclusion . . .'

Funny Science Questions Answered

In a fifth-grade class, a teacher asked students various science
questions, of which the following were the funniest:

Teacher: What is the definition of a protein?'
Student: A protein is
something that is made up of mean old acids.

Teacher: What kind of tails do opossums have?"
Student:
Reprehensible ones"

Teacher: What is the spinal column?
Student: A long bunch of bones.
The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

Teacher: How long does it take the Earth to rotate about its axis?"
Student: The Earth makes a resolution once every 24 hours.
Teacher:
That's wishful thinking.

Five Funny Short Science One-liners

1. The universe is simple; it's the explanation that's complex.
2. Only in the USA will you find people who think the moon landing
   was fake and wrestling is real.
3. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
4. Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free
   trip around the Sun
5. Nothing is faster than the speed of light. To prove this to
   yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the light comes on

See more funny biology
jokes »