Will and Guy's Biology, Physics and Chemistry HumourScience often seems mysterious, and thus is a fruitful ground for humour. Guy is a qualified science teacher, and Will taught history and social science. Thus we have an insight into this area of humour.
Funny Science Jokes
- Silly, Funny, and Hilarious Science Examination Answers
- Will and Guy's Top Twenty Funny Science Jokes
- True Story About an Anatomist
- Funny Science Questions Answered
- Five Funny Short Science One-liners
Chemists'Chemists are a strange class of mortals, impelled by an almost maniacal impulse to seek their pleasures amongst smoke and vapour, soot and flames, poisons and poverty, yet amongst all these evils I seem to live so sweetly that I would rather die than change places with the King of Persia.' Johann Joachim Becher, "Physica subterranea" (1667)
- Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.
- Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.
- Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
- The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
- The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
- A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
- For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if it's a lady, rub her arm above the hand. Or put her head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.
- Equator: a menagerie lion running around Earth through Africa.
- Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.
- Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
- The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is so that there is something to hitch the meat to.
- To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
- The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain. The borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - A, E, I, O, and U.
- Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who travelled in ten different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
- 'This scientific paper contains much that is new and much that is true. Unfortunately, that which is true is not new and that which is new is not true.'
- A chemistry teacher was berating the students for not learning the Periodic Table of the Elements. She said, 'Why when I was your age I knew both their names and weights.'One pupil opined, 'Yeah, but Miss, there were so few of them back then.'
- Here in California, when a bridge falls down, we know it must be San Andreas' Fault!
- When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
- A sign hanging on a laboratory door: "Gone Nuclear Fission."
- What's a nuclear physicist's favourite meal? Fission chips.
- A quantum physicist walks into a bar... ...maybe.
- What's the difference between a quantum mechanic and an auto mechanic? The quantum mechanic can get inside without opening the door.
- Who solves mysteries involving electricity? Sherlock Ohms
- Why is electricity so dangerous? Because it doesn't know how to conduct itself properly.
- If an experiment works, something has definitely gone wrong.
- What do you do with a dead chemist? Barium.
- Why are chemists perfect for solving problems? Because they have all the solutions.
- Where do you put dirty dishes? In the zinc.
- Why do chemists prefer nitrates? Because they're cheaper than day rates.
- Atom: I'd like to report a missing electron. Policeman: Are you sure? Atom: Yes, I'm positive!
- What's the first thing you should learn in chemistry? Never lick the spoon.
- What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry labs? Methylated Spirits.
- When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
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Astronomy: Funny Jokes and StoriesWhile living on Earth might be expensive, at least we get a free trip around the Sun every year. Will and Guy think that Copernicus' parents said the following to him at the age of twelve, 'Copernicus, young man, when are you going to come to terms with the fact that the world does not revolve around you.'
Five, Fascinating and Fun Astronomical FactsThe Sun is 4.5 billion years old and produces 383 billion trillion kilowatts of energy. The Moon is the only non-Earth object upon which a man has walked. Depending upon how hot the white dwarf star is, its colour varies from blue, white, yellow, or red. According to scientists, in around 5 billion years, a day on Earth will be 48 hours long and somewhere during that time the Sun will explode. The lightning in the sky is nearly 3 times hotter than the Sun.
Student Writes HomeDear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on. The Reply: Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOurs student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad
Einstein's Favourite LimerickThere was an old lady called Whyte who could travel much faster than light. She departed one day in a relative way and returned on the previous night.
Ten Little Known Facts About Relativity
- Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
- Energy equals milk chocolate square (attributed to Albert E. Hersey)
- Delivery of Christmas gifts by Santa to the children of the world is now accomplished by riding Rudolf the red-shift reindeer.
- The general relativity theory of gravitation is responsible for people falling in love.
- The speed of an IRS tax refund is constant.
- Anger is neither created nor conserved but only changed from one form to another.
- The speed of time is one second per second, which is also called the fundamental unity.
- Death and taxes are the same for all constantly moving observers.
- Moving midgets are shortened.
- Divorce and alimony are equivalent but the latter is multiplied by an enormous factor.
Laws of Funny Feline PhysicsLaw of Cat Inertia: A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse. Law of Cat Motion: A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction. Law of Cat Magnetism: All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric. Law of Cat Thermodynamics: Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat. Law of Cat Stretching: A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken. Law of Cat Sleeping: All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable for the cat, as possible. Law of Cat Elongation: A cat can make her body long enough to reach any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it. Law of Cat Obstruction: A cat must lie on the floor in a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic. Law of Cat Acceleration: A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
Chemistry: Humour, Funny Jokes and StoriesYou may be a chemist if you can't stand the expression: 'A watched pot never boils'. It should be 'A watched pot and an unwatched pot boil at EXACTLY the same rate.'
Sodium Nonsense I was looking for sodium on the periodic table, but then it told me it was Na (Not Available!!) 'Sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium: Batman.' What does this sodium sodium gibberish mean. Think of the batman signature tune: Na na na na na na na!
Salty Water QuestionQuestion: If you pour a handful of salt into a full glass of water does the water level go down, or does the glass overflow? If you start with pure water, and add a small amount of salt then the level will go down slightly, there will be no overflow. This is the reason (true!) There is space between water molecules. When you pour the salt slowly, this fills up the space between the molecules. Salt (NaCl) readily dissolves in water producing Na+ and Cl- ions. Na+ goes to the negative end of H20 molecule and CL- goes to the positive end of H2O molecule. In this way the force of attraction decreases the total volume of the salt solution. This effect only continues until no more salt can dissolve in the water.
Guy's Handy Guide to Ph.D. ResearchWorking on your Ph.D.? You might see it as a monumental task, but don't sweat it. Make the process easier by using these 10 trusty techniqes:
- Experience is directly proportional to the quantity of equipment ruined or destroyed.
- Past experience is always correct, and should never be misled by present facts.
- In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
- Don't believe in miracles - rely on them.
- Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
- No matter what result is anticipated, someone will always fit the facts to it.
- The probability of an event occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.
- The quantity which when added to, subtracted from, divided into, or multiplied by the results obtained experimentally to give the correct result, is known as a constant.
- Experiments must be reproducible, they should fail in the same way.
- For neatness, always draw the curves first and afterward plot the data.
The Chemistry Final ExamIn 2013 there were two young men called Tony and Peter who were reading Chemistry at Jesus College Oxford, England and who did pretty well on all of the midterm exams. These Tony and Peter were so confident that the weekend before finals they decided to go up to London and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final exam then, they found the professor and explained to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to London for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tyre on the way back, didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time. The professor thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The Peter and Tony were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 marks. 'Great, 'they thought, 'this is going to be easy.' They completed that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: For 95 marks: "Which tyre was flat?"
- Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn.
- Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. But I don't know why.
- Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
- A parent said on Open Evening that she hoped her son, who was good at science, would be a scientologist one day.
- Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
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An Amusing Science StoryA scientist has come up with proof of something students have known for years: chemistry lectures are boring. In an article published in the current issue of Chemistry in Britain, a university chemistry lecturer introduced a guest lecturer to a class of 50 doctoral candidates. Then, he and his colleagues studied variations in what he calls the HTFDR: "head-to-floor distance reduction." After about an hour, the average HTFDR dropped from 135cm to 121cm, said the author of the study, who preferred to remain anonymous. The HTFDR immediately bounced back to normal when the speaker uttered the magic words: 'And in conclusion . . .'
- The universe is simple; it's the explanation that's complex.
- Only in the USA will you find people who think the moon landing was fake and wrestling is real.
- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
- Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun
- Nothing is faster than the speed of light. To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the light comes on
Inert Chemistry Helium walks into a bar. The bar tender says, 'We don't serve noble gasses in here.' Helium doesn't react. Footnote: Will and Guy lament that all the good chemistry jokes Argon
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