'My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.'
Jokes - Clean One-liners
Did You Know?
- In a recent poll held in the USA, American men and
women were asked if they would marry the same person if they had it to do all over again.80% of the men responded that they would marry the same woman.
Interestingly, only 50% of the women responded that they would marry the same man. Oh dear!
- Gamophobia is the fear of marriage.
- 'When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.'
- Warren Farrell (American Psychologist)
- Men who never get carried away should be.
- The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can.
Amusing Gender Differences
An English teacher wrote the words, 'Woman without her man is nothing'
on the blackboard and asked the students to punctuate so that it made sense.
The boys wrote: 'Woman,
without her man, is nothing.'
The girls wrote: 'Woman! Without her, man is nothing.'
How Do You Decide Who to Marry?
You've got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. Martin, age 10.
How would you make a marriage work?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
Nathan, age 10.
Man Jokes - Welsh Husbands
A Welsh lad came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play.
'Wonderful, 'replies his mother, 'what part is it?'
The boy says, 'I play the part of the Welsh
The mother scowls and says, 'Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part.'
As a Welsh husband myself, I can vouch for the truth of the above scenario.
Men Are Just Happier People
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't
have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay! Wrinkles add
character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't
or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack Three pairs of shoes are more
than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe
decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons You can
wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can '
your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for
20 relatives on December
24 in 20 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
See more gentlemen jokes ».
More Funny Jokes About Men
Drive Through ATM: Male / Female Procedures
A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new
Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their
After months of careful research, Male and Female procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.
- Drive up to the cash machine.
- Put down
your car window.
- Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
- Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
- Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
- Put window up.
- Drive off.
- Drive up to cash machine.
- Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
- Set parking brake, put the
window down. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
- Tell person on mobile 'phone you will call them back and hang up. Attempt to insert card into machine.
- Open car
door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. Insert card.
- Re-insert card the right way.
- Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside
- Enter PIN.
- Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
- Enter amount of cash required.
- Take a quick peek at yourself in rear view mirror.
- Retrieve cash and receipt
handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
- Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
- Re-check makeup.
- Drive forward 2 feet.
- Reverse back to
- Retrieve card.
- Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
- Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you
- Restart stalled engine and
- Redial person on cell phone.
- Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
- Release Parking Brake.
Wash it Again
My mother had decided to trim the household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, 'Just think, Ivor, we are
five pounds richer because I washed this dress by hand.'
'Good', my dad quickly replied. 'Wash it again.'
Story of a Poor Man in the Dog House
In January, Zdzislaw Bukarowcz, a seventy-five year old Polish man from Scinawa, lived in a dog's
kennel for three weeks. It was all the work of his zona*, Mrs Bukarowcz, her reason for dishing out this punishment was because
Zdzislaw repeatedly came home drunk.
She chained him to the kennel and fed him on dog food; Zdzislaw was given water from a dog bowl. At night the temperatures often dropped to minus 20 degrees Celsius.
Pani Bukarowcz told reporters that she was sick of him wasting all their money
on vodka. His drinking companions, worried by his non-attendance in the pub, eventually freed him from his imprisonment and called the police.
* Zona is Polish for wife. Pani means Mrs in Polish.
Man Learning to
Philosophical Man Jokes
The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man
hardly anything. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability.
'At the age of eleven or thereabouts women acquire a poise and an ability to handle difficult situations which a man, if he is lucky,
manages to achieve somewhere in the later seventies.'
Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them. Samuel
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. Zsa Zsa
'The man who lets himself be bored is even more contemptible than the bore.'
A stupid man's report of what a clever man says can never be accurate, because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand. Bertrand Russell
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