Funny Grumpy Old Men Tales

Man has to suffer. When he has no real afflictions, he invents some.  Jose Marti

Kids have bad attitude, middle aged men have a crisis, old men have the
grumps.

• The Funny Ideas and
  Thoughts of Mr Grumpy
• Grumpy Old
  Men In Action
• How
  to Solve the Problem of Crowded Jails
• Funny Grumpy Woman Story

The Funny Ideas and
Thoughts of Mr Grumpy

Grumpy old people 'can't help it' Will and Guy Discover

Grumpy old men may not be able to help it, as age could affect their
sense of humour, scientists have found.

A study by Washington University in St Louis, USA, found older people
find it harder than students do to understand jokes.

The authors inform Will and Guy that their findings should be taken
seriously as laughing has been linked to health benefits such as boosting
circulation.

The findings were published in the Journal of the International
Neuropsychological Society.

The researchers tested 40 people aged over 65, and 40 undergraduates. The
participants had to complete jokes and cartoon strips, choosing the correct
punch line or final picture from a selection of options.

Choosing the punch line for jokes, undergraduates performed 6% better
than older people, and completing cartoon strips they were 14% better.

Hilarious
Examples of Grumpy Old Men In Action

A Funny, Hilarious and Thought-Provoking Draft Letter to Mr David Cameron, Prime Minister, UK

Fixing the Economy

Dear Mr. Cameron,

Please find below our suggestion for fixing the UK 's economy.

Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the
money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.
You can call it the Patriotic

Retirement Plan:

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them £1
million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

• They MUST retire - Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed
• They MUST buy a new British car - Ten million cars ordered - Car
  Industry fixed
• They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing
  Crisis fixed
• They MUST send their kids to school/college/university - Crime rate
  fixed
• They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week ..... And there's
  your money back in duty/tax.

Instead of playing around with the carbon emissions trading scheme that
makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy polluters to reduce
their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or shut them down.

P.S. If more money is needed, have all Members of Parliament pay back
their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances. If you think this
would work, please forward to everyone you know.

If not, please disregard.

Mr Grumpy

See even more grumpier old men

How to Solve
the Problem of Crowded Jails in the UK -
An Idea from Mr Grumpy

Let us put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.
This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical
treatment, wheel chairs et and they'd receive money instead of paying it
out.  They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be
helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed
and returned to them.  A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and
bring their meals and snacks to their cell.  They would have family
visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling,
pool and education.  Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, pyjamas and
legal aid would be free, on request. Private, secure rooms for all, with an
exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily 'phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would
have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

.....  And the criminals?

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised.
Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week.  Live in a tiny room and
pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

Kindly sent in by Maggie Nutt.

Five Further Funny Thoughts of a Grumpy Old Man

1. 'Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.'
2. Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.
3. Of all my husband's relatives, I like me best.
4. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
5. If God had wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my
   knees.

Funny Grumpy Woman Story

What about grumpy old women?  Is this topic a case of gender
equality?  Or is it a bit like mass murders, women are severely
under-represented?  This anecdote suggests that women deserve their own
category, vindictive old women.

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to
purchase.  As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control
for a television set in her purse. 'So, do you always carry your TV remote?'
I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and
I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

Incidentally,
'Grumpy old men' was a film.

A. A. A. D. D. - Classic Grumpy Old Man Syndrome

Recently, I was diagnosed
with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car
needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I
lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque
(check) book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque
left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push
the coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with
the coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye: they need to be watered.

I place the coke down on the work surface, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all
morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the work top, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV
remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to
put it back in the lounge where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

• The car isn't washed.
• The bills aren't paid.
• There is a warm can of coke sitting on the work surface.
• The flowers don't have enough water.
• There is still only one cheque in my chequebook.
• I can't find the TV remote.
• I can't find my glasses and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because
I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

PS. I just remembered, I left the
water running......................................

Grumpy Old Men with Their
Children

Two men were standing on a street corner, discussing the merits of their
teenage sons. "Do you know," remarked the first one, "My son is so thick. I
don't think they teach the kids anything useful at school these days."

"Well," replied the other gentleman, "He can't be as bad as mine!"

The discussion continued at length, when suddenly they espied both of the
boys coming towards them.

"Listen," said the first man, "I'll prove to you that my son is thicker
than yours." "Come here Algie!" The lad duly obeyed his father and asked why
he had called him over. "Here's 10p" replied the father, " Go and buy your
mother a new fridge from the electrical store!"

The second parent likewise called his son over. "Jasper," he said "
here's 50p. Go home on the bus and see if I'm there!" Both boys departed
together and met up around the corner. Algie beckoned Jasper to him and
whispered in his ear "My dad's really stupid, Jasper," he said, "he has
given me 10p to buy my mum a new fridge from the electrical store, and it's
Wednesday - early closing day!"

"That's nothing!" replied Jasper, "my old man's worse than that. He gave
me 50p to get on the bus and go home to see if he's there. He could have
phoned up himself for 10p!"

[Kindly sent in by Trevor Warland.]

Cantankerous Man in the Supermarket

Walter and his wife Masie are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser beer and puts it in their shopping cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks Masie.
'They're on sale, only
$20 for 24 cans Walter replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them'
demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along Masie picks up a $40 jar of face cream and
puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks Walter.
'It's my face cream. It
makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Bud and it's half the
price.'

Walter never knew what hit him.

The next thing he heard on the supermarket PA system was: 'Clean-up on
aisle 7, we have a husband down.'

Footnote:
Please send us your funny grumpy old men stories.