Funny Golf Jokes

The best wood in most amateurs’ bags is the pencil.  Unknown

Amusing Golfing Tales

  • Golf – Below Par?
  • Will’s Favourite Golf Story
  • Ladies Tea
  • Desert Island Castaway
  • Funny Truisms
    About Golf
  • Would
    You Get Married Again?
  • More Funny Golf Stories
  • Ninety-year-old West Yorkshire Woman Hits Hole-in-one

Golf Handicap

Ralph was a smooth operator, and at Southwick Golf Club’s annual dance he
attached himself to the prettiest lady golfer in the room and began boasting
to her.

‘You know,’ smarmed Ralph, ‘the other members are all afraid to play me.  What do you
think my handicap is?’

‘Well, where do you want me to start, Ralph?’  Came her quick

Golf – Below Par?Golf one-liners

After a particularly bad round of golf, Robert decided not to go to the nineteenth hole [the clubhouse bar] and started
to go straight home.

As he was walking to the golf car park to get his Range Rover, a policeman stopped him and asked’, Did you tee off on the seventeenth hole about twenty minutes ago?’

‘Yes’, Robert answered

‘Did you happen to slice your ball so that it went over the trees and out of bounds and completely off the golf course?’

‘Yes, I did. How did you know?’
Robert questioned.

‘Well’, said the policeman
gravely’, Your golf ball flew out onto the main road and crashed through the windscreen of a BMW. The car driver lost control and crashed into six other cars and a fire engine. The fire engine was unable to reach
the fire in time and the building burned down.  Now, what do you intend to do about it?’

Robert thought it over very carefully and responded’, I think I’ll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.’

Will’s Favourite Golf Story

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the
Crookhorn municipal golf course in England, and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualising my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse tannoy:

I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement rang out louder’, Would the MAN on the WOMEN’S tee kindly back up to the men’s tee.’

I simply ignored the request and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled’, Would the man on the woman’s tee back up to the men’s tee, PLEASE.’

I finally stopped, turned,
looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the microphone and shouted back’, Would the person in the clubhouse kindly stop shouting and let me play my second shot’

Ladies Tea?Funny Golf Stories

Ladies golf course

  1. Have done the dishes
  2. Have you done the washing?
  3. Have you cooked your husband’s tea?

If you have done these simple tasks, you may proceed.

See more funny womens’ golf jokes.

Ninety-year-old West Yorkshire Woman Hits Hole-in-one
Golf Ball Giant

Mary Tattersall was 88 years old when she first took up golf. Now, at the
age of 90 she has amazed her fellow golfers by hitting a hole in one.

Mary made the 181yd [165m] shot on the second hole at Shay Grange Golf
Centre in Heaton near Bradford, Yorkshire, England.

Will and Guy have learned that she felt amazed and stunned to have
achieved the feat.

Mary was given a special trophy by the club to mark her success on the
par three hole.

See more funny golf

Fascinating Golf Sign

Shranpel on Golf Course

Here is a golf story from the Second World War [1939-1945], a time when
many Golf courses in the UK were given over to growing vegetables for a
beleaguered population.

However, nothing, not even war, could stop the British from playing golf
as this list of rules indicates. Here in outer London, England, in Richmond,
Surrey we have searched the history archives and found this sign which was
placed around the Richmond Golf course warning players of war related

Will and Guy have been unable to ascertain whether this document is
accurate or not. If it isn’t then it ought to be says Will.

Golf In World War II

German aircraft from Norway would fly on missions to northern England;
because of the icy weather conditions, the barrels of their guns had a small
dab of wax to protect them. As they crossed the coast, they would clear
their guns by firing a few rounds at the golf courses. Golfers were urged to
take cover.

** Richmond Golf Club **

* Temporary Rules 1940 *

1. Players are asked to collect bombs and shrapnel to save causing damage
to the mowing machines

2. In competitions, during gunfire players may take cover without
incurring a penalty for ceasing playing.

3. The positions of known delayed action bombs are marked with red flags.

4. Shrapnel may be moved on the fairway, or in the bunkers, without

5. A ball moved or destroyed by enemy action, can be replaced without
penalty provided it’s not nearer the hole.

6. A player whose stroke is affected by a bomb exploding may play another
ball from the same place. Penalty one stroke. [A little harsh?]

God and St Peter
Decided on a Round of Golf in HeavenGolf hole

Peter is a testament to material values, decked out as he is in the latest golf
fashion, with a brand new set of clubs and all the accoutrements.

God, in contrast, is a picture of virtue wearing his old gardening clothes and trailing a tatty old canvas bag with a real mixture of
ancient and rusting clubs, some of which even have hickory shafts.

On the first hole St Peter smacks a beauty 275 yards straight down the middle.
God, however, tops his drive that trickles along the

It only travels about 70 yards but just before it’s
about to stop a rabbit runs out of the gorse, grabs the ball in its mouth and hurtles off down the fairway while St Peter watches in

Before the rabbit can reach safety, however, a magnificent eagle swoops down and snares the rabbit in its talons before rising majestically, the rabbit still struggling in its grasp but
defiantly holding the golf ball in its mouth.

As the eagle soars over the green a bolt of a lightning from a clear blue sky strikes it, killing the bird instantly. It drops the rabbit, which in turn
drops the golf ball, which strikes a sprinkler head at the side of the green and takes one bounce straight into the hole for an ace on a par-5 hole.

St Peter slowly turns and says to God: ‘Are you
going to show off all day or are we here to play golf?’

More Funny Golfing Stories

Small WorldWill be prosecuted and have their balls removed

Alex and Jim are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are
two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but
where it’s supposed to go.

Alex comments to Jim, ‘Why don’t you go over and ask if we can play
Jim gets about halfway there, turns and comes back so Alex
asks, ‘What’s wrong?’

Jim replies, ‘One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress.’
Alex responds, ‘That could be a problem. I’ll go over and have a word.’

He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too.
So Jim
says, ‘What’s wrong?’

Alex murmurs, ‘Small world.’

Amazing Golfing FeatTwo Holes in One

Elgin Golfer Scores Hole-in-One Twice in One Round.

We have a report of a golfer who has defied estimated odds of 67
million-to-one to score two holes-in-one in the same round.

Mr Rob Tyson had never managed a hole-in-one before his double recently
Will and Guy have discovered. The 67 year old used his six iron to score his
first ace on the fourth hole, then took nine shots on the next due to the

However, he more than made up for the blip when he used the six iron
again for another hole-in-one on the seventh. Mr Tyson is reported to have
said, ‘I’ve been playing golf for 35 years and have never had a hole in

Will and Guy congratulate Mr Tyson on his amazing feat.

See more golf

Desert Island Castaway

Funny Golfing Quotes

A retired corporate executive, now a
widower, decided to take a vacation He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other
people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.Desert Island Castaway - Golf Story

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief,
he asks’, Where did you come from? How did you get here?’
She replies’, I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.’
Amazing’, he notes.’
You were really lucky to
have a row boat wash up with you.’
Oh, this thing?’
explains the woman. ‘I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a
Eucalyptus tree.’

‘But, where did you get the tools?’
Oh, that was no problem’, replied the woman.’
On the south side of the island, a very
unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.’
guy is stunned.

row over to my place’, she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a
stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk
into the house, she says casually’, It’s
not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?’
No! No thank you’, he blurts out, still dazed. ‘I can’t
take another drop of coconut
not coconut juice’, winks the woman. ‘I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?’
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces’, I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to
its end inside a swivel mechanism.

‘This woman is amazing’, he muses.’
What next?’
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of
gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

‘Tell me’, she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him’, We’ve been out here for many months. You’ve been lonely. There’s
something I’m sure
you really feel like doing right now, something You’ve been longing for?’
She stares into his eyes.

He can’t
believe what he’s
You mean .. ‘
he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his

tell me you’ve built a Golf Course!!!’

Why Does a
Golfer Need Two Pairs of Trousers?
In Case He Has a Hole in

It’s the most glorious happening in the game of golf.  It’s what every
golfer dreams about. A hole-in-one. Will and Guy have learned of a man who
has recorded five holes-in-one in a week. Yes, indeed, FIVE. Central
Illinois amateur golfer Curt Hocker, who plays at the El Paso Golf Club, is
that man.

The 22-year-old has recorded five holes-in-one in the last week,
including two on Saturday. Mr Hocker has seven aces: five on par-4s, and two
other double eagles.

We are pleased to be able to tell our readers that Curt Hocker is very
glad that his club membership comes with ‘hole-in-one insurance.’  That
‘insurance’ means the club, and not Hocker, has to honour the golf tradition
of buying everyone in the clubhouse a drink after an ace is made.

‘I think the golf course is getting mad at me for all the drinks,’ Hocker
said. ‘It’s hard to talk about, but it’s awesome to have it happen.’

Golf and the Barn Door

A lovely afternoon finds Rod and his wife, Phoebe are playing a round of
golf. They have had a wonderful time and Rod has had a near perfect game.
The final hole, by far the most difficult, wraps around an old barn.

With a terrible slice Rod puts the barn between his ball and the green.
Knowing that the strokes that it will take to get around the barn will
destroy his score, he begins to rant and rave.

Phoebe, hating to see him ruin such a great afternoon makes a suggestion.
‘What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it
right through the barn onto the green.’

Rod thinks this over and decides that it will work. With Phoebe holding
open the barn door he lines up with the hole and gives the ball a terrific
“whack”.  The ball shoots through the air and right into the head of
his wife, killing her instantly.

Months go by, the man mourning all the while.  His friends, hating
to see him in such a state, convince him to go golfing with them. They end
up at the same course and on the final hole, oddly enough; another terrible
slice puts the old barn between his ball and the green. Again he begins to
rant and rave at what this dilemma will do to his score.

His friend, wanting to please him, makes a suggestion. ‘What if I were to
hold open the barn doors?  That way you could send it right through the
barn onto the green.’

‘No, don’t do that,’ says Rod, ‘last time I did that I got two over par.’

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