Funniest Christmas Jokes

Here is Will and Guy's collection of hilarious Christmas gags and witty
riddles.

• 'Waiter - There's
  a Fly in My Champagne'
• The Funniest
  Christmas Riddles and Puns
• Out of the
  Mouths... Amusing Christmas Story
• Another
  Batch of Our Funniest Christmas Jokes
• Funny Christmas Jokes
• Funniest Christmas Cartoons

'Waiter - There's a Fly
in My Champagne'

A multi-national company held a reception to celebrate Christmas.
The waiter gave each
guest a glass of champagne, but on inspection, each guest
noticed that their glass contained a fly.

• The Swede asked for new champagne in the same glass.
• The Englishman
  demanded to have new champagne in a new glass.
• The Finn picked out the fly out and drank the champagne.
• The Russian drank the champagne, fly and all.
• The Chinese ate the fly but left the champagne.
• The Israeli caught the fly and
  sold it to the Chinese.
• The Italian drank two thirds of the champagne and then demanded to
  have a new glass.
• The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish.
• The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the champagne, which he then
  donated to the Englishman
• The American sued the restaurant and claimed
  for a $50 million compensation.
• The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the
  throat and shouted, 'Now spit out all that you swallowed.'

Mistletoe Joke

Jennifer was a pretty 18 year old girl.  In the week before Christmas
she sauntered up to the curtain counter, and was trying to decide which of
the many types of tinsel she would buy.  Finally, she made her choice
and asked the spotty youth who was manning the fabric section.  'How
much is this gold tinsel garland'.

The spotty youth pointed to the Christmas mistletoe above the counter and
said, 'This week we have a special offer, just one kiss per metre'.

'Wow, that's great', said Jennifer, 'I'll take 12 metres'.

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the boy
measured out the tinsel, wrapped up the garland, and gave it to Jennifer.

She then called to an old man who had been browsing through the Christmas
trees and said, 'My Grandpa will settle the bill.'

French Parents Seek Ban on Father Christmas Advert

French parents have sought to ban a television commercial in which a
father tells his adult son that Father Christmas does not exist, claiming it
has traumatised their children Will and Guy have discovered.

The
20-second clip was aired last week during a commercial break on TF1, which
was broadcasting the family film, "Ratatouille".

'Son, I've got some bad news for you,' says the father in the advert for
Crédit Mutuel, a high street bank. 'Father Christmas doesn't exist,' he
says, making a parallel with financial advisers whose prime motivation for
selling products, he claims, is their commission.

The commercial sparked
outrage among parents who are calling on the advertising watchdog to ban the
clip.   See more
adult Christmas jokes.

The Funniest Christmas Riddles and Puns

• I went to the Canary Islands on holiday this year, didn't see one
  canary.
  Going to the Virgin Islands next year, can't wait. 
  Ed Byrne
• Why did the turkey cross the road?
  Are you kidding?  It's
  Christmas - he should run a mile.  Stephen K Amos
• Why did the atheist cross the road?
  So he could see both sides.
  Tom Wrigglesworth
• A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre ......
  So
  the barman gives her one.  Meera Syal
• How many ears has Captain Kirk got?
  Three: the left ear, the
  right ear, and the final front ear.  Ben Miller
• What does a frog do if his car breaks down?
  He gets it toad
  away.
• Never read a popup book about giraffes.  Sean Lock
• Be careful with drinking this Christmas. I got so drunk last night I
  found myself dancing in a cheesy bar... Or, as you like to call it,
  delicatessen.
  Sean Hughes
• Man: I'll have the steak and kiddley pie, please.
  Waiter: I think
  you mean steak and kidney?
  Man: That's what I said, diddle I?
  Alexander Armstrong
• I've started dating this Jewish podiatrist.
  I'm in love with her
  footspa.  Phil Nichol
• Where do Snow-women like to dance?
  At Snowballs.
• How do you know if Santa is really a werewolf?
  He has Santa
  claws!  Dave Hill
• What do you give a railway station master for Christmas?
  Platform shoes.  Will

Snowman Nose Job

Can You Tell If This Snowman is Lying?

Surgeon: Can I pick your nose?

Father Christmas Calls

Alex was five; all his Christmas presents were always signed, 'from Father Christmas.'

A little while after Alex had opened all his presents on Christmas morning, we became aware that he was looking quite down in the mouth for no obvious reason.

'What's
the matter, Al?' I asked.

'Ummmm', replied Alex slowly, 'I really hoped that you and Mummy would give me something for Christmas'.

Santa Claus Conundrum

The 3 stages of man:

1) He believes in Santa Claus.
2) He doesn't believe in Santa
Claus.
3) He IS Santa Claus!

Out of the Mouths...
Amusing Christmas Story

Daniel aged 4, returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story.

He had learned all about the wise men from the east who brought gifts to the baby Jesus.

Daniel was so excited he just had to tell his parents, 'I learned in Sunday School today all about the very first Christmas. There wasn't
a Santa Claus way back then, so these three blokes
on camels had to deliver all the toys.  And Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't
there yet, so they had to have this big light in the sky to find their way
around'.

More Funny Christmas Riddles

• What do you get if Santa comes down your chimney when the fire
  is ablaze?
  Crisp Kringle.
• Why does rain drop, but snow fall?
  (Nobody can answer this
  conundrum)
• What do you call people who are frightened of Santa?
  Will's
  Answer: Claustraphopic.  (Guy's answer:
  Non-existent)
• Sterling silver charms to bring good fortune.
  Notice
  on the back: 'Potential choking hazard: do not use with food'.
• What do you get if you team Santa with a detective?
  Santa
  Clues!
• What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
  Frostbite.
• What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the
  ordinary alphabet?
  The Christmas alphabet has No L (Noel).

Christmas Crackers

Will and Guy Suspect British Law is Crackers.  The 1875
Explosives Act, currently in force in the UK, apparently considers
Christmas crackers to be covered by this archaic law.  This means
that an 'explosive' cracker cannot be sold to minors.

This law was shown up to be so stupid when 22 year old student,
Heather Walsh, attempted to buy a box of 10, for Christmas Day in her
local Marks and Spencer's in York, England. Asked if she was over 16
years old Miss Walsh, who has an University degree was told the
'crackers were classed as explosives', Will and Guy have learned. She
was told by staff that they were 'protecting me by not selling me them
and they suggested that if I was left alone with the crackers I couldn't
be trusted and might blow myself up.'

You couldn't make it up, and we think that this law is definitely
CRACKERS.

Another Batch of Our
Funniest Christmas Jokes

Why doesn't Santa suffer from claustrophobia when climbs down the
chimney?
Because has had his flue jab.

What did Cinderella say when the chemist lost her photographs?
Someday my prints will come.  (Prince)

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine?
This will sleigh you.

What do lions sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells!

What does it mean when the flag is at half-mast at the post office?
They're hiring.

What did Adam say to his girlfriend on December 24th?
'It's
Christmas!  Eve.'

What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
Nothing. It just let out a little wine.

Mike walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.

The barmaid looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.

'Tiny', answers Mike.
'Why's
that?' enquires the barmaid.
'Because he's my newt' concludes Mike.   (Will had to explain this riddle to me.  My newt - minute)

A Funny
Christmas Carol

Samantha decided to go carol singing on Christmas Eve.  She knocked on the door of a house and began to sing.

A man, holding a clarinet, opened the door to the house.  In a few seconds tears were
streaming down his face.

Samantha continued singing for at least a further 20 minutes.  She sang every carol she knew. At last she stopped. 'I understand,' she said softly. 'You are remembering your
happy childhood Christmas days. You really are extremely sentimental.'

Choking back the tears the man answered between sobs, 'No..........I'm a musician.'

Christmas Quotes

Charles Dickens
'I will honour Christmas in my
heart, and try to keep it all the year.'

Roy L. Smith
'He who has no Christmas in his
heart will never find Christmas under a tree.'

Longfellow
'I heard the bells on Christmas Day
Their old, familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet the words repeat
Of peace on earth, goodwill to men!

See more really funny Christmas quotes

Christmas Trivia Gleaned from Local UK Newspapers

• The song "White Christmas" holds the credit as the most-selling Christmas
  single of all time
• Santa Claus has nine reindeer counting Rudolph that pull his sleigh
• Saturnalia, was the Roman's holiday that was celebrated in December
• It wasn't until about 200 years after Christ's death that Christians
  started celebrating his birth
• In northern Europe there was a holiday known as Yule. People celebrated
  this holiday by making great fires. They then would dance around the fires,
  yelling for the winter to end
• Austria was the first country to issue a Christmas postage stamp.
• Silver and gold are the popular Christmas colours after red and green
• Eggnog, the popular Christmas drink, was an American discovery.
• The Christmas carol, 'I Saw Momma Kissing Santa Claus' was made famous by
  Jimmy Boyd when he was just 12 years old.
• Christmas lights were invented by the American Ralph E. Morris.
• W. C. T. Dobson invented the Christmas card.
• Canada is the largest exporter of Christmas trees.
• King's Canyon National Park, California, USA, has the world's largest
  Christmas tree.
• Coca-Cola made the concept of Santa Claus popular in America.
• There are twelve days between Christmas and the Epiphany.

Funny Christmas Riddles.  Classic
Conundrums Each and Every One

What
Will and Guy find is that we cringe at 12 out of these 15 Christmas Riddles
- but
smile at the other 3.

• A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
• What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
• She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
• With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
• Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
• Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
• When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
• The man who fell into an upholstery factory is now fully recovered.
• You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
• He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
• Every calendar's days are numbered.
• A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
• Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
• Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Footnote:
Please send us your funniest
Christmas jokes.