Men Jokes

Boys Night Out – Funny Application Form

APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest authority in my life for the following period:

Date: Time of departure:

Time of return:
Location:

From: To:
Beer Wine
Liquor:

Total

Should permission be granted, I solemnly swear to only visit the locations stated below, at the stated times. I agree to refrain from hitting on or flirting with other women. I shall not speak to another female, except as expressly permitted in writing below. I will not turn off my mobile after two pints, nor shall I consume above the allowed volume of alcohol without first
phoning for a taxi AND calling you for a verbal waiver of said alcohol allowance. I understand that even if permission is granted to go out, my girlfriend/fiancé/wife retains the right to be fed up with me the following week for no valid reason whatsoever.

Amount of alcohol allowed (units) Beer Locations to be visited Females with whom conversation is permitted

IMPORTANT – STRIPPER CLAUSE:
Notwithstanding the female contact permitted above, I promise to refrain from coming within one hundred (100) feet of a stripper or exotic dancer. Violation of this Stripper Clause shall be grounds for immediate termination of the relationship.

I acknowledge my position in life. I know who wears the trousers in our relationship, and I agree it’s not me. I promise to abide by your rules & regulations. I understand that this is going to cost a fortune in chocolates & flowers. You reserve the right to obtain and use my credit cards whenever you wish to do so. I hereby promise to take you on an unlimited shopping spree, should I not return home by the approved time. On my way home, I will not pick a fight with any stranger, nor shall I conduct in-depth discussions with the said
entity. Upon my return home, I promise not to urinate anywhere other than in the toilet. In addition, I will refrain from waking you up, breathing my vile breath in your face, and attempting to breed like a (drunken) rabbit.

I declare that to the best of my knowledge (of which I have none compared to my BETTER half), the above information is correct.

Signed -Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:

The request is: APPROVED DENIED

This decision is not negotiable. If approved, cut the permission slip below and carry it at all times.

Permission for my boyfriend/fiancé/husband to be away for the following period of time:

McDonald’s Application Form

This is allegedly an actual job application a 16-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald’s fast-food establishment in Australia. They hired him because he was so honest and funny.

NAME: Peter Beale

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz-style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and Post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising

Mafia Application Form

Clean Men Jokes and Stories – Funny Man Pictures

Blore’s Razor: – Given a choice between two theories, take the one that is the funnier.

Funny Stories – Wash it Again

My mother had decided to trim the household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, ‘Just think, Ivor, we are five pounds richer because I washed this dress by hand.’

‘Good’, my dad quickly replied. ‘Wash it again.’

Fond Farewell for Father and Son

During the Second Gulf War, Ben Ford was returning to active service.  As he was saying goodbye to his wife, his four-year-old son, Gerry, was holding on to his father’s leg and pleading with him not to go away. ‘No, Daddy, please don’t go!’ Gerry kept repeating.

They were beginning to make a scene when Yvonne, Ben’s wife, desperate to calm her son, said, ‘Let Daddy go and I’ll take you to get a pizza, Gerry.’

At once, Gerry loosened his tight grip, stepped back, and in a calm voice said, ‘Bye, Daddy.’

Clean Men Jokes

Men Are Like…………..

• Men Are Like Blenders. You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.
• Men Are Like Commercials. You can’t believe a word they say.
• Men Are Like Computers. Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
• Men Are Like Government Bonds. They take way too long to mature.
• Men Are Like Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
• Men Are Like Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
• Men Are Like Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
• Men Are Like Weather. Nothing can be done to change either.

Gravely Funny Story

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, ‘Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?’

The first man approached him and said, ‘Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply?  A child?  A parent?’

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied…….. ‘My wife’s first husband.’

Sale of a Wife

A full and particular account of the sale of a woman named Mary Mackintosh which took place on Wednesday Evening the 16th of July, 1828, in the Grass Market of Edinburgh, accused by her husband of being a notorious drunk.  With particulars of the bloody battle which took place afterward.

-ooOoo-

Men, Cars, and Humour – Who’s the Clever One?

A traffic policeman stops Maggie and asks to see her driving license.

‘Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses when driving.’ ‘Well, Officer,’ explains Maggie, ‘I have contacts.’

‘Lady, I don’t care who you know, you’re still going to get a ticket.’

Keep on Trucking

‘Hello, this is Dave. I’m not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil.’ [in the background there are noises – a drawer opens and there is shuffling around.]

‘Right, what would you like me to tell me?’

Moira, a young woman with a happy, cheerful voice was working in her husband’s trucking line office.  She answered a phone call from a trucker asking for directions to the terminal.

After a short conversation, he said he could hardly wait to meet her. ‘I just know you are small, blonde with blue eyes,’ he said.

‘No,’ Moira replied, ‘I’m tall, brunette, and have brown eyes.’

‘Close enough!’ said the trucker.

Girls Can Also Have…..

The Perfect Woman

Sound Advice

A married man should forget his mistakes.  There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Old Gentleman or Newborn Baby?

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement home were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turned to the other and said, ‘Earl, I’m 81 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’

Earl replies, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’

Really, how are you like a newborn baby?’

‘Well, I have no hair, no teeth, and please excuse me, I am too much of a gentleman to mention my other problem.’

Will and Guy’s Philosophy on Jokes About Men

Collecting ‘Clean Men Jokes’ is not easy.  In addition to avoiding smutty humor, we also have to combat objections from the ‘sexist’ camp. We have stuck with our simple philosophy of collecting a mixture of funny, yet clean jokes, mixed in with thought-provoking pictures and the odd story.

Fathers Day Jokes

Things You Will Never Hear a Father Say

Your mother and I are going away for the weekend.  Why don’t you invite a dozen friends around for a party?

You know darling daughter, now that you’re fourteen, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates.  Won’t that be fun?

Father – The Old Days

In 1913, a happy meal was when a father told funny stories around the dining table.

In 2014, a happy meal is what dad buys at McDonald’s.

The Vocabulary of a Father

• Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the children would care to order a dessert.
• Feedback: The inevitable result is when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
• Full Name: What you call your child when you’re angry with him.
• Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
• Independent: How we want our children to be for as long as they do everything we say.
• Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.
• Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.
• Whodunit: None of the children who live in your house.
• Bottle-feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am.

More Father’s Day Humour

Over the centuries fathers have given their children plenty of good advice; here are some examples which Will and Guy find quite amusing.

COLUMBUS’S Father: I don’t care what you’ve discovered, Christopher.  You could have written.

MICHELANGELO’S Father: Mike, can’t you paint on walls like other children?  Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?

NAPOLEON’S Father: All right, Napoleon. If you aren’t hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it.

GOLDILOCKS’S Father: I’ve got a bill here for a broken chair from the Bear family. Do you know anything about this Goldie?

ALBERT EINSTEIN’S Father: But, Albert, it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do something about your hair?  Styling gel, mousse, something…?

THOMAS EDISON’S Father: Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!

HUMPTY DUMPTY’S Father: Humpty, If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? No!

Dermot’s Story

Dermot McCann forgot his lines in a Sunday school play.  Luckily his Father was in the front row especially to prompt him.

He gestured and formed the words silently with her lips, but it did not help. Dermot’s memory was completely blank. Finally, he leaned forward and whispered the cue, ‘I am the light of the world.’

Dermot beamed and with great feeling and a loud clear voice announced, ‘My Father is the light of the world.’

Quotation to Ponder

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. – Phyllis Diller

More Father’s Day Jokes

The Stages Of Fatherhood:

[Will and Guy do not agree with all these sentiments]

• 4 Years Of Age – My daddy can do anything.
• 8 Years Of Age – My dad knows a lot.
• 12 Years Of Age – My father doesn’t really know quite everything.
• 14 Years Of Age – Naturally, my father doesn’t know that, either.
• 16 Years Of Age – Father? he’s hopelessly old-fashioned.
• 18 Years Of Age – That old man? She’s way out of date.
• 25 Years Of Age – Well, he might know a little bit about it.
• 35 Years Of Age – Before we decide, let’s get Dad’s opinion.
• 45 Years Of Age – Wonder what Dad would have thought about it.
• 65 Years Of Age – Wish, I could talk it over with Dad.

A Father of a Small Boy Says

• A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house, 4 inches deep.
• A 3-year-old boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
• When you hear the toilet flush and the words ‘uh oh’, it’s already too late.
• Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke and lots of it.
• A six-year-old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
• Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old Boy.
• Playdough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
• Super glue is forever.
• No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.
• Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
• Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
• Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
• You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
• The fire department in Austin, Texas has a 5-minute response time.
• The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
• It will, however, make cats dizzy.
• Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
• 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Ponder This…

Question: On which day of the year are the most collect calls*?

Answer: On Father’s Day.

* Reverse charge phone calls in the UK

Father: A banker provided by nature.

English Gentlemen

In 1912, Country Life wrote that ‘few words come to convey so beautiful a meaning as that of “Gentleman”.’

English gentleman never shows off. Any blatant self-promotion would immediately disqualify one from being a gentleman.  In this respect becoming a gentleman is rather like the reverse of Groucho Marx’s quote: ‘I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member’.

However, down the years English gentlemen have exhibited surprising and amusing behaviour. I was astonished to read that Edwardian gentlemen circa 1905 had a penchant for tattoos, I was amused to discover that a partridge was their favorite motif.  Apparently, these gentlemen had a shot of cocaine to ease the pain of the tattooist’s needle.

Moving forward two decades, I spotted this advice on crocodile shooting etiquette, ‘No compunction need be felt in shooting crocodiles, for where so common it is a constant worry to the natives’.  As Algernon pointed out to me, no gentlemen would ever read books on etiquette, they just absorbed how to behave by osmosis from
the gentry who came to their stately homes.

Talking of hunting, Oscar Wilde summed up a country gentleman galloping after a fox as:- “The unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable”.

What caught me in Mark Hedges’ recent article published in the Times was this: ‘No gentlemen would ever wear pink socks’.  An idea that I beseech the women in my life to extend to shirts and even cardigans.

Mark Hedges finishes with this wonderful anecdote, which distills the essence of an English gentleman.  A member of a club in London posted a notice on the board demanding that the nobleman who stole his umbrella at once return it.  When a fellow member asked how he knew that the culprit was a nobleman he replied: “Sir, the rules of this club state that it is for noblemen and gentlemen. And no gentleman would have taken my umbrella.”

Father’s Day and Fathers’ Day – No Joke!

Regarding the use of the apostrophe, our logic is that we remember one’s Father, thus Father’s Day.  In British English, as opposed to American English, it’s also possible for a group of people to celebrate their Father’s Day. While this usage of the apostrophe is grammatically correct in England, it’s not in common usage.

Funny Grumpy Old Men Tales

Kids have bad attitudes, middle-aged men have a crisis, and old men have the grumps.

The Funny Ideas and Thoughts of Mr Grumpy

Grumpy old people ‘can’t help it’ Will and Guy Discover

Grumpy old men may not be able to help it, as age could affect their sense of humor, scientists have found.

A study by Washington University in St Louis, USA, found older people find it harder than students to understand jokes.

The authors inform Will and Guy that their findings should be taken seriously as laughing has been linked to health benefits such as boosting circulation.

The findings were published in the Journal of the International Neuropsychological Society.

The researchers tested 40 people aged over 65, and 40 undergraduates. The participants had to complete jokes and cartoon strips, choosing the correct punch line or final picture from a selection of options.

When choosing the punch line for jokes, undergraduates performed 6% better than older people, and when completing cartoon strips they were 14% better.

Hilarious Examples of Grumpy Old Men In Action

A Funny, Hilarious, and Thought-Provoking Draft Letter to Mr David Cameron, Prime Minister, UK

Fixing the Economy

Dear Mr. Cameron,

Please find below our suggestion for fixing the UK’s economy.

Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic

Retirement Plan:

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the workforce. Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

• They MUST retire – Ten million job openings – unemployment fixed
• They MUST buy a new British car – Ten million cars ordered – Car Industry fixed
• They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage – Housing Crisis fixed
• They MUST send their kids to school/college/university – Crime rate fixed
• They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week ….. And there’s your money back in duty/tax.

Instead of playing around with the carbon emissions trading scheme that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy polluters to reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or shut them down.

P.S. If more money is needed, have all Members of Parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances. If you think this would work, please forward it to everyone you know.

If not, please disregard it.

Mr Grumpy

How to Solve the Problem of Crowded Jails in the UK – An Idea from Mr Grumpy

Let us put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home. This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies, and walks.

They’d receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheelchairs, etc and they’d receive money instead of paying it out.  They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.  A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.  They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool, and education.  Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, pajamas, and legal aid would be free, on request. Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily ‘phone calls. There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

…..  And the criminals?

The criminals would get cold food, and be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8 pm, and showers once a week.  Live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

Kindly sent in by Maggie Nutt.

Five Further Funny Thoughts of a Grumpy Old Man

1. ‘Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.’
2. Age is important only if you’re cheese or wine.
3. Of all my husband’s relatives, I like me best.
4. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
5. If God had wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

Funny Grumpy Woman Story

What about grumpy old women?  Is this topic a case of gender equality?  Or is it a bit like mass murders, women are severely under-represented?  This anecdote suggests that women deserve their own category, vindictive old women.

‘Cash, check, or charge?’ I asked, after folding the items the woman wished to purchase.  As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. ‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked.

‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.’

In actual life, I am a grumpy old bag. Dawn French (British actress/comedienne)

Incidentally, ‘Grumpy Old Men’ was a film.

A. A. A. D. D. – Classic Grumpy Old Man Syndrome

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and noticed that the bin was full.

So, I decided to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.

But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque (check) book off the table and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are on my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of coke that I had been drinking.

I’m going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. I see that the coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye: they need to be watered.

I place the Coke down on the work surface, and I discover the reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decided to put it back in the lounge where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water into the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

• The car isn’t washed.
• The bills aren’t paid.
• There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the work surface.
• The flowers don’t have enough water.
• There is still only one cheque in my checkbook.
• I can’t find the TV remote.
• I can’t find my glasses and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I tried to figure out why nothing got done that day, I was baffled because I knew I was busy all day long, and I was really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help with it, but first I’ll check my e-mail.

PS. I just remembered I left the water running………………………………..

Grumpy Old Men with Their Children

Two men were standing on a street corner, discussing the merits of their teenage sons. “Do you know,” remarked the first one, “My son is so thick. I don’t think they teach the kids anything useful at school these days.”

“Well,” replied the other gentleman, “He can’t be as bad as mine!”

The discussion continued at length when suddenly they spotted both of the boys coming towards them.

“Listen,” said the first man, “I’ll prove to you that my son is thicker than yours.” “Come here Algie!” The lad duly obeyed his father and asked why he had called him over. “Here’s 10p” replied the father, ” Go and buy your mother a new fridge from the electrical store!”

The second parent likewise called his son over. “Jasper,” he said ” here’s 50p. Go home on the bus and see if I’m there!” Both boys departed together and met up around the corner. Algie beckoned Jasper to him and whispered in his ear “My dad’s stupid Jasper,” he said, “he has given me 10p to buy my mum a new fridge from the electrical store, and it’s Wednesday – early closing day!”

“That’s nothing!” replied Jasper, “my old man’s worse than that. He gave me 50p to get on the bus and go home to see if he was there. He could have phoned up himself for 10p!”

[Kindly sent in by Trevor Warland.]

Cantankerous Man in the Supermarket

Walter and his wife Masie are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser beer and puts it in their shopping cart.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks Masie. ‘They’re on sale, only $20 for 24 cans Walter replies.

‘Put them back, we can’t afford them’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along Masie picks up a $40 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks Walter. ‘It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,’ replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Bud and it’s half the price.’

Walter never knew what hit him.

The next thing he heard on the supermarket PA system was: ‘Clean up on aisle 7, we have a husband down.’

Funny Male-Female Differences

Our best riposte to those who complain about our jokes is that we insult all people equally; here we have one section about men for women followed by a section about women which may make men laugh.

New Evening Classes for Men

All are welcome – Open to men only.

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants.  The course lasts for 4 weeks and the topics covered in this course include:

Week One of Evening Classes for Men

1) TOILET ROLLS – DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS? Roundtable discussion

2) DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKETS AND FLOOR Practising with a hamper (pictures and graphics)

3) DISHES & CUTLERY; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO THE KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES? Debate among a panel of experts

4) HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAY; Step-by-step guide with a slide presentation

5) EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN? Group discussion and role-play

6) LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming  – Open forum

Week Two – Evening Classes for Men

7) LOSS OF VIRILITY Losing the remote control to your significant other – Help line and support groups

8) HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH PowerPoint Presentation

9) REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST Real-life testimonial from the one man who did

10) IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS? Driving simulation

11) LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER Online classes and role-playing

12) HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

13) REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE Bring your calendar or PDA to class

14) GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME Individual counselors available

This man joke lends itself to adding more items.  Let your imagination run riot – send Will and me any new jokes to add to this saga.

More Funny Gender Differences

To balance classes for men jokes, we have evening classes for women.

Classes for Women at Your Local Adult Learning Centre

This humor based on male-female differences is suitable for amending to suit your work or office.  Training is a particularly fertile area for spoof courses.  Meanwhile, sit back and have some fun.

Hilarious, Funny, Insulting, and Male-Organised Courses for Women Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of the subject area, class sizes will be limited to 5 women.

Class 1: Up in Winter, Down in Summer – How to Adjust a Thermostat Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 pm

Class 2: Which Takes More Energy – Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Moaning About It for 3 Hours? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3: Is It Possible To Drive Past a Waitrose Without Stopping? – Group Debate Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 pm for 2 hours.

Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between a Handbag and a Suitcase – Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 pm for 3 weeks.

Class 5: Curling Irons – Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 pm

Class 6: How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Programme. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 pm

Class 7: Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos? Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 pm, 2 hours.

Class 8: I Was Wrong and He Was Right! Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 pm. Location to be determined.

Class 9: How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim. Driving Simulations. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours.

Class 10: Learning to Live: How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield. Tuesdays at 7:00 pm. Location to be determined

Class 11: How to Shop by Yourself. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 pm. Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Funny Man jokes

‘My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.’ Rodney Dangerfield

Man Jokes – Clean One-liners

Did You Know?

• In a recent poll held in the USA, American men and women were asked if they would marry the same person if they had it to do all over again.80% of the men responded that they would marry the same woman. Interestingly, only 50% of the women responded that they would marry the same man. Oh dear!
•  Gamophobia is the fear of marriage.
•  ‘When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence.  When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.’ – Warren Farrell (American Psychologist)
•  Men who never get carried away should be. Malcolm Forbes
• The only thing worse than a man you can’t control is a man you can. Margo Kaufman

Amusing Gender Differences

An English teacher wrote the words, ‘Woman without her man is nothing’ on the blackboard and asked the students to punctuate so that it made sense.

The boys wrote: ‘Woman, without her man, is nothing.’

The girls wrote: ‘Woman!  Without her, man is nothing.’

How Do You Decide Who to Marry?

You’ve got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. Martin, age 10.

How would you make a marriage work?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. Nathan, age 10.

Man Jokes – Welsh Husbands

A Welsh lad came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play.

‘Wonderful, ‘replies his mother, ‘what part is it?’

The boy says, ‘I play the part of the Welsh husband.’

The mother scowls and says, ‘Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part.’

• As a Welsh husband myself, I can vouch for the truth of the above scenario.

Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay! Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You rarely have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can ‘ do’ your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 20 relatives on December 24 in 20 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

More Funny Jokes About Men

Drive-Through ATM: Male / Female Procedures

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: “Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, Male and Female procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

Male Procedure:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert the card into the machine and enter a PIN.
4. Enter the amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash, and receipt.
6. Put the window up.
7. Drive off.

Female Procedure:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align the car window with the machine.
3. Set the parking brake, and put the window down.  Find the handbag, and remove all contents onto to passenger seat to locate the card.
4. Tell the person on the mobile ‘phone you will call them back and hang up.  Attempt to insert the card into the machine.
5. Open the car door to allow easier access to the machine due to its excessive distance from the car.  Insert card.
6. Re-insert the card the right way.
7. Dig through the handbag to find the diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
8. Enter PIN.
9. Press cancel and re-enter the correct PIN.
10. Enter the amount of cash required.
11. Take a quick peek at yourself in the rearview mirror.
12. Retrieve cash and receipt
13. Empty the handbag again to locate the wallet and place cash inside.
14. Write the debit amount in the cheque register and place the receipt in the back of the checkbook.
15. Re-check makeup.
16. Drive forward 2 feet.
17. Reverse back to the cash machine.
18. Retrieve card.
19. Re-empty the handbag, locate the cardholder, and place the card into the slot provided.
20. Give a dirty look to the irate male driver waiting behind you
21. Restart the stalled engine and pull off.
22. Redial person on cell phone.
23. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
24. Release Parking Brake.

Wash it Again

My mother had decided to trim the household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, ‘Just think, Ivor, we are five pounds richer because I washed this dress by hand.’

‘Good’, my dad quickly replied. ‘Wash it again.’

Story of a Poor Man in the Dog House

In January, Zdzislaw Bukarowcz, a seventy-five-year-old Polish man from Scinawa, lived in a dog’s kennel for three weeks.  It was all the work of his zona*, Mrs Bukarowcz, her reason for dishing out this punishment was because Zdzislaw repeatedly came home drunk.

She chained him to the kennel and fed him dog food;  Zdzislaw was given water from a dog bowl.  At night the temperatures often dropped to minus 20 degrees Celsius.

Pani Bukarowcz told reporters that she was sick of him wasting all their money on vodka. His drinking companions, worried by his non-attendance in the pub, eventually freed him from his imprisonment and called the police.

* Zona is Polish for wife.  Pani means Mrs in Polish.

Man Learning to Understanding Women

Philosophical Man Jokes

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.  Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability. Oscar Wilde

‘At the age of eleven or thereabouts women acquire a poise and an ability to handle difficult situations which a man, if he is lucky, manages to achieve somewhere in the later seventies.’ PG Wodehouse

Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them. Samuel Butler

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. Zsa Zsa Gabor

‘The man who lets himself be bored is even more contemptible than the bore.’ Samuel Butler

A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.  Bertrand Russell

Funny stories son-father letters

A Son’s Letter to His Father

Dear Dad

It is with a heavy heart that I write this letter.

I decided to elope with my new girlfriend Tamara.  We wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mum.

I’ve found real passion with Tamara and she is so lovely – even with her nose piercing, tattoos, and her tight motorcycle clothes.  But it’s not only the joy Dad, she’s pregnant and Tamara said that we will be very happy.

Even though you won’t care for her as she is so much older than me, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams too.

Tamara taught me that marijuana doesn’t hurt anyone, and we’ll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.  In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for HIV so that Tamara can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit, so you can get to know your grandchildren

Your ever-loving son,

Eddie.

PS: Don’t worry Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at the next door’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my end-of-year school report which is in the center drawer of my desk. I love you!

Call when it is safe for me to come home.

Son’s Letter from his Boarding School

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.

With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need.

$o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,

—   —   —
—   —   —   —   —   —    —   —   —   —   —   —   —   —
—   —   —   —    —   — 

Dad’s Reply

Dear Peter,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy.

Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,

Dad.

Letter from Prodigal Son?

Dear folks,

I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money.  I feel ashamed and unhappy to have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels.  I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.

Your son, Marvin.

P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner.  I wanted to take this letter and burn it.  I prayed that I could get it back.  But it was too late.

Reply

A few days later Marvin received a letter from his father. It said, ‘Your prayers were answered.  Your letter never came!’

Men and Women Jokes

These days men are downtrodden.  Their familiar stamping ground is being eroded.  At last, men are fighting back in the battle of the genders.  Here is their say.

Shopping

Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we men are never going to think of it that way.

Confusion

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, Not both, If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself

Solutions not Sympathy

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

Color Vision

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

Rules for Boys and Girls

We always hear ‘The rules’ from the female side.  Now here are the rules from the male side.  For example, Crying is blackmail. Ask for what you want.  Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men don’t mind that, it’s like camping. Pass this to as many men as you can – to give them a laugh.  Pass this to as many women as you can – to educate them!

PowerPoint Humor for Boys – And Girls

10 Reasons Why It’s Better to Be a Woman…

1. We can wear platforms – which is why there is no such thing as a ‘short woman complex’
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend’s clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous – they look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can get rid of leg hair without pretending that we do a lot of cycling/swimming or any other sport that would require aerodynamic legs.
5. It’s cool to be a daddy’s girl. It’s sad to be a mommy’s boy.
6. We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.
7. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
8. The thrill of surprising people by being good at darts……and pool…..and football.
9. Taxis stop for us.
10. It does not enhance our social standing to understand the inner workings of a ‘ruck’ (or any other rugby thing). but we look INCREDIBLY cool if we do.

10 Lessons Learnt About Men…

1. Women don’t make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
2. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you’re sick of him.
3. Never trust a man who says he’s the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
4. A woman’s work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
5. If you want a nice man go for a bald one – they try harder.
6. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he already is.
7. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men ………. a woman.
8. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men – strong, caring, sensitive – they’d be wrong but you could still use them.
9. Men’s brains are like the prison system enough cells per man.
10. There are only two four-letter words that are offensive to men – “don’t” and “stop”.

My dad’s better than your dad

Here we have one of the earliest examples of playground banter.’ My Dad is better than your Dad’, is a particularly male boast, I wonder if there is a female equivalent?

My Dad is Better than Your Dad – Cricket

Three boys, Peter, Michael, and Algernon were returning home from school one day.  They were sitting in the back of a people carrier belonging to Michael’s mother when Peter started the time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship.

Peter said, ‘My dad’s way faster than any of yours, he can bowl a 90 mph cricket ball from the bowler’s end and run and hit it before it reaches the wicket at the other end.’

Michael said, ‘Oh yeah? Well, my dad can shoot an arrow from his bow and run to the target and hold it up to make sure the arrow hits the bull’s eye.

The last boy, Algernon, said, ‘Your dads don’t even come close to being faster than mine. My dad is a schoolteacher and even though he works every day until 4:00 he gets home at 3:30’.

American Translation of My Dad is Better Than Your Dad.

One day, three boys, Bart, Buddy, and Chuck were on the school bus, when Bart started the time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship.

Bart said, ‘My dad’s way faster than any of yours, he can throw a 120 mph fastball, run from the mound, pick up his bat, and strike a home run.’

Buddy, the second boy said, ‘Oh yeah? Well, my dad can fire a shell from his Magnum  run to the target, and hold it up to make sure the shell hits the bull’s eye
.

The last boy, Chuck, said, ‘Your dads don’t even come close to being faster than mine. My dad is a 10th-grade teacher and even though he works every day until 4:00 he still gets home at 3:30’
.

Ultimate My Dad is Better Than Your Dad

This was a part of the sermon at the John Pounds Unitarian Church, Old Portsmouth: retold by Bill Ryan.

Three boys were talking together about what their fathers did for a living.

Boy 1 began by saying that his Dad wrote a few words on a piece of paper, sent them away, and received £20 for them and they called it a poem.

Boy 2, not to be outdone said that his Dad wrote a few pages of words, sent them away, and received £100 and they called it a story.

Boy 3  was full of himself and said that his Dad wrote a couple of sides of words, read them out on Sunday morning, called it a sermon and it took 6 people to go round and collect all the money.

• Saturday home

Strange But True Story – Husband Attends Birth

Michael Attends Birth

The modern trend is for fathers to attend the birth of their children.  One busy hospital in central England has a special room for expectant fathers.  Whilst the average gestation period for human babies is 9 months, there is almost as much variation in the time babies stay in the womb as there is in the weight of the newborn.  Consequently, the father’s room can get quite crowded with a mixture of fathers attending premature births, and those whose babies stubbornly refuse to enter this world on time.

The scene is set.  In the father’s room are 8 expectant fathers, my friend is called Michael, he sees one or two fathers called in, but he has to wait.  When eventually Michael is called in to see his wife Janet, she is distressed.  What had upset Janet was not the labor but the fact that 10 minutes previously, the Doctor called in the wrong Michael.  That Michael was not her husband.

Can you imagine their mutual horror?  There is Janet in the birthing position, being confronted by a man who is not her husband.  If anything it was even more traumatic for the ‘wrong Michael’.  The encounter affected him so badly that he fainted and had to be taken on a trolley to the accident and emergency department. Sadly, as a result, he missed the birth of his own baby.

When the dust had settled, Janet and the baby were fine.  The ‘right Michael’ was thrilled to be the proud father.  However, he later confided in me, ‘Guy, at work, now they have something else to snigger about, I am fed up with them teasing me about my name’.  Mike Stand.

Off the record, one of the nurses said that the ‘Wrong Michael’ had been a great help in distracting Janet and that they were considering employing a ‘Wrong Michael’ to induce reluctant babies.

Shaun Writes Home

When I was at college a good friend, named Shaun, was notorious for not contacting home from one week to another.  All his time was taken up with studying, drinking, and sleeping. Then one day he received the following letter:

Dear Shaun,

Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter.  Of course, we were much younger back then and more impressionable.

Love,

Dad.

Paragon of Virtue

Trevor was bragging in the pub about his eldest son and telling anybody willing to listen just how perfect he was. ‘He doesn’t smoke, he doesn’t drink alcohol and he never comes home late,’ intoned the proud Trevor.

‘How old is this paragon of virtue?’ inquired Frank who was at the bar.  ‘Oh, he will be six months old next Tuesday,’ rejoined Trevor.

Joke Husband?

Husband Down

Eddie and his wife June are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Heineken and puts it in their cart.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks June. ‘They’re on sale, only $15 for 24 cans Eddie replies. ‘Put them back, we can’t afford them’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on June picks up a $30 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks Eddie. ‘It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,’ replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Heineken and it’s half the price.’

Eddie never knew what hit him.

The next thing he heard on the supermarket PA system was: ‘Cleanup on aisle 19, we have a husband down.’

Footnote: Husband down was sent in by Tony Pugh.

Taxi Driver Jokes

Will and Guy’s Urban Myth – Just Like Archie

A man walks into the street and manages to hail a taxi. He climbs into the car, and the cabbie says, ‘Perfect timing. you’re just like Archie.’

Passenger: ‘Who?’

Cabbie: ‘Archie Hobday. There’s a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Archie every single time.’

Passenger: ‘There are always a few clouds over everybody.’

Cabbie: ‘Not Archie. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.’

Passenger: ‘Sounds like he was something really special.’

Cabbie: ‘There’s more, he had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out.’

Passenger.’ Wow, some bloke then?’

Cabbie: ‘He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.’

Passenger: ‘Mmm, there’s not many like him around.’

Cabbie: ‘And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.’

Passenger: ‘An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?’

Cabbie: ‘Well, I never actually met Archie.’

Passenger: ‘Then how do you know so much about him?’

Cabbie: ‘I married his flippin’ widow.’

Paint Job by Rod (Archie’s Cousin)

Rod was given the job of painting the white line down the middle of the A32 in Hampshire. On his first day, he painted 5 miles, the next day 2 miles, and the following day less than a mile. When the foreman working for Fareham Borough Council asked Rod why he kept painting less each day, he replied, ‘I’m not able to do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can.’

Funny Taxi Joke

An American tourist hailed a taxi in Mayfair, London, and asked the cabbie to be taken to Buckingham Palace.

On the way, a car zoomed by, and the tourist responded, ‘Oh! Cadillac – Made in the USA! Very fast!’

Not too long afterward, another car flew by the taxi. ‘Ah! Chevrolet – Made in the US of A! Very fast!’ Yet another car zipped by, and the tourist said, ‘Buick – Made in the USA! Lightning quick!’

The taxi driver, who was 100% London Cockney, was starting to get a little annoyed that the American-made cars were passing him, when what should happen yet another car passed the taxi as they were turning into Birdcage Walk. ‘Oh!
Lexus – Made in the USA! Very rapid!’

The taxi driver stopped the car outside Buckingham Palace pointing to the meter, and said, ‘That’ll be £100.’ ‘£100? It was so short a ride! Why so much?’

The Taxi driver smiled as he replied, ‘Meter – Made in England. Very fast.’

Give the Girl a ‘Joe Baxi’

We can report that a young Londoner needed a taxi [cab] to take her from her London home to Bristol Airport to catch her flight to go on holiday; a distance of over 100 miles.

We have been informed that she phoned Directory Enquiries to get the number of a taxi company. However, speaking in slang she confused the operator totally by asking for ‘a Joe Baxi.’ [cockney rhyming slang for taxi].

Having considerable difficulty understanding the teenager, the operator told her that she could find no one of that name and received the reply, ‘It ain’t a person, it’s a cab, innit.’

The operator, happier now, and thinking that she fully understood what was wanted, found her the number of her nearest cabinet shop which was in Bishop’s Stortford, Hertfordshire, and named ‘Displaysense Ltd.,’ and put the girl through to a sales rep.  The 19-year-old spoke to the bemused saleswoman and seemingly getting nowhere eventually demanded, ‘Look, love, how hard is it? All I want is your cheapest cab, innit. I need it for 10 am. How much is it?’

The sales adviser said it would be £180 [$356] and the girl gave her address and paid with a credit card. The next morning, an office cabinet was delivered to her South London home.

We have learned that the young lady went ballistic when the cabinet and not the cab arrived. Eventually, everything was sorted out and Marketing manager of ‘Displaysense’, Steve Whittle said, ‘We thought it was a joke at first but the girl was livid. We have suggested that maybe she should speak a bit clearer on the phone and we have refunded her money.’

Indian Taxi Driver Joke

A drunken lady leaped into a taxi stark naked.  Sachin, the Indian taxi driver did not attempt to drive off.

“What’s wrong with you Luv, haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

“I’ll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from…”

“Well, if you’re not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?”

“Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me?!”

Footnote: Taxi joke kindly sent in by Ken Green

British Taxi

When I was in Mumbai, India recently, I saw a sign on a vehicle that said, ‘English-speaking taxi driver’.

I thought to myself, “What a wonderful idea. Why don’t we have them in London, England?”

Taxi to the Hospital

A woman flagged down a cab.

“Where to?” the cabbie asked. “The hospital,” the woman answered.

“Where at the hospital?” the cabbie asked. “Maternity ward.” the woman answered.

A determined look crossed the cabbie’s face. “Okay, I’ll get you there. Don’t you worry!” He then floored it and started weaving past cars.

“No no, you don’t need to drive so fast,” the woman said. “I only work there!”

New Taxi Driver

Bertie Evan hailed a taxi outside Paddington station in London.  The cabbie had only gone a couple of hundred yards when Bertie leaned forward and tapped him gently on the shoulder.  The driver screamed, mounted the pavement, almost hitting a cyclist, then an old lady, but managed to swerve back onto the road, only to over-correct and glance off a coach into the ‘Historical London Souvenirs’ shop window.  Incredibly, no one was hurt.

Both the men got out of the taxi and Bertie asked the cabbie “What on earth was that all about?” I only wanted you to stop so I could buy souvenirs!”

“I’m sorry,” said the taxi driver, “but this is my first day driving a cab; for the last twenty-five years I was driving a hearse!”

Footnote: Cabbie joke kindly sent in by Trevor Warland.

Welsh Husbands

Here are three of the better ‘Men Jokes’.  In many ways, these men’s jokes are the mirror image of the blonde jokes.  Stereotyping, yes, fun, indeed; do they offend me as a man, definitely not.

1. New Cot

One Monday evening Jessica found her husband Mike with his head cocked looking at their baby’s cot. Silently she watched him. As Mike twisted and turned looking at at their infant, Jessica could see on Mike’s face a mixture of
emotions: disbelief, doubt, joy, surprise, enchantment, and skepticism.

Mike did not usually show his emotions and his unusual display brought tears to her eyes.  Jessica put her arm around her husband and asked. ‘A penny for your thoughts.’

‘It’s amazing!’ Mike replied. ‘I just can’t work out how Kiddicare can make a cot like that for only $49.99.’

2. Welsh Husbands

A Welsh lad came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play.

‘Wonderful, ‘replies his mother, ‘what part is it?’

The boy says, ‘I play the part of the Welsh husband.’

The mother scowls and says, ‘Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part.’

Footnote As a Welsh husband myself, I can vouch for the truth of the above scenario.

Translations

English <—>  Welsh
Husband – Gwr
Wife – Gwraig
Grandmother – Mamgu

Trivial Fact: The Welsh version of Scrabble has no Q or X, instead it has a lot of Ll (double L) tiles.

Example of a Welsh Phrase: Blerwyt ti yn mynd?   Translation: Where are you going?   ….. to another of Will and Guy’s Jokes?

3. Simple Really – [Based on a true story]

During the Gulf War, Barney Arkwright was assigned to go to Saudi Arabia. As he was saying goodbye to his family, his three-year-old son, Simon, was holding onto Barney’s leg and pleading with him not to leave. ‘No, Daddy, please don’t go!’ Simon kept repeating.

They were beginning to make a scene when Hazel, Barney’s wife, desperate to calm her son, said, ‘Let Daddy go and I’ll take you to get a pizza, Simon.’

Immediately, Simon loosened his tight grip, stepped back, and in a calm voice said, ‘Bye, Daddy.’