Funny Doctor’s advice

The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the
disease.  Voltaire

• Keep Taking the
  Pills?
• Secret Elixir of Longevity?
• The Specialist
• New Slant on Doctor's
  Bed-side Manners
• Take the Doctor's Advice
• Insider Dealing? Or Doctor Humour
• Tricky Logic
• I
  Don't Want To Be A Doctor For The Following Reasons
• Funny Doctor's Advice

Keep Taking the Pills?

One day, Harry went to see
his doctor and told him that he hadn't
been feeling at all well.  The doctor examined Harry, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.

Looking at Harry he says, 'Take the green pill
with a big glass of water when you wake up.  Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch.  Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another
large glass of water.'

Startled to be put taking much medicine, the man stammered, 'L...........L.......L.........Lummee, Doc, exactly what is my problem?'

The doctor replied, 'Harry, you're not drinking enough water.'

Prescriptions .....

Secret Elixir of Longevity?

Gloria, out for
a walk, notices this little old man rocking in a chair on his porch and approaches him.

'I can't
help noticing how happy you look, 'Gloria smiles at him, 'What is your secret for a long happy life?'

'I
smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, 'he replied, 'I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.'

'That's
amazing!'
Gloria responds, 'How old are you?'

'Twenty-six, 'he
replies.

Insider Dealing?

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any real
interest in his paintings which had been on display for the previous few weeks.

'I have good news and bad news,' the owner replied. 'The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if
it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 17 of your paintings.'

'That's wonderful, absolutely marvellous,' the artist exclaimed. 'What's the bad news?'

'The
buyer was your doctor.'

The Specialist

'What kind of job do you do?' a lady passenger asks the man travelling in her train compartment.

'I'm a Naval surgeon,' he replies.

'Good grief!' splutters
the lady, 'How you doctors specialise these days.'

New
Slant on Doctor's
Bed-side Manners

'Every GP [General Practitioner - Doctor] is to be instructed to tell fat patients that they should lose weight, putting doctors in the front line of a new
offensive to tackle Britain's
growing obesity problem, 'records The Times on May 3rd 2006.'  In future GPs will have to treat obesity as if it were any other medical condition and advise the overweight to slim.

It is the first time that doctors have been asked to cajole fat patients, old and young, to eat less, improve their diets and take exercise. The move by Caroline Flint, the Public Health Minister, is
directed in particular at children and young people who need help to lose their excess pounds.'

Perhaps if this proves difficult we will hear this kind of conversation:

Patient: It isn't
possible
that I'm as overweight as you say I am.

Doctor: Maybe you would prefer to look at it in a different way.  According to this chart, you're about 10 inches too short.

Take the Doctor's Advice

Dopey Danny was an extremely nervous patient whose imagination afflicted him with all kinds of misfortunes that never materialised. One afternoon he staggered into
the house. Dopey Danny was bent forwards. He tottered to a chair and, still curled into a half-moon shape, dropped into it. 'Jenny,' he gasped, 'it's happened at last. There was no warning. All of a sudden I
found I couldn't straighten up. I can't lift my head.'

When the doctor had arrived and looked at Danny, Jenny inquired, 'Is there any hope, doc?'

'Well,' the GP replied, 'it would help a great deal
if he would undo the third buttonhole of his waistcoat from the top button of his trousers.'

See a real Patient Participation Group.

Tricky Logic

A doctor of psychiatry is doing his normal morning rounds at the hospital when he enters the ward.

He finds Arnold sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece
of wood in half.  Meanwhile Mark is hanging from the ceiling by his feet.

The
consultant asks Arnold what he's doing. Arnold smiles and answers, 'Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?'

The consultant nods and continues talking to Arnold and enquires what Mark is doing on the ceiling. Arnold looks up and murmurs, 'Oh, he's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb.'

The consultant looks up and notices that Mark's face is turning red and blue.

The consultant remonstrates with Arnold and says, 'If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself.'

Arnold replies with a sigh, 'What? And work in the dark.'

I Don't Want To Be A Doctor For The Following Reasons

• If I were a pathologist I'd be in a dead end job.
• If I were a biologist I'd be in jeans all the time.
• Anaesthesiology would put me to sleep.
• Cell specialists are too cultured for my taste.
• I can't stand podiatry.
• I can't see myself as an ophthalmologist.
• I'm too old to be a gerontologist.
• I would have to be crazy to become a psychiatrist.
• I'm told paediatrics is child's play.
• I haven't got the heart to be a cardiologist.
• And they'd see right through me if I went into
  radiology.
• And I really couldn't face it if I were a
  dermatologist.
• I'm not cut out to be a surgeon.
• If I weren't such a baby, I'd become a gynaecologist.
• It's been drilled into me that I should be a dentist.
• I'd rather be a plumber than a urologist.
• If I were a proctologist I'd always be
  behind in my career.
• I haven't got the spine to be a chiropractor.

The chiropractor called Mrs Levy saying, "Mrs Levy, your check came
back." Mrs Levy responded, "So did my arthritis!"

Funny Doctor's Advice

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places.

He told me to quit going
to those places.  Henny Youngman

One of the first duties of the physician is to educate the masses not to
take medicine.
Sir William Osler

I've wrestled with reality for 35 years, Doctor, and I'm happy to state I
finally won out over it.
Mary Chase

My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August.

Ronnie Shakes

The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian.
He can't ask his
patients what is the matter-he's got to just know.  Will Rogers

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a
long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.  Tommy Cooper

Funny Doctors Advice - As Submitted by Real Doctors

Patch-up

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,
he told his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.

'Which one?' The doctor asked.

'The patch' he replied.  'The Nurse told me to put on a new one
every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'

The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he
wouldn't see.  Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions on the packaging include: 'Removal of the old patch
before applying a new one'.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA.

Mis-Carriage?

A man comes into the Emergency Room and yells . . .'  My wife's going to have
her baby in the cab.'

As the on-duty doctor I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and
began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong
one.

Submitted by Dr Mark MacDonald, San Francisco.

Footnote:
Please send in your funny doctor's advice.