Short Doctors One-liners

Amy to X-ray technician after swallowing some money: 'Do you see any change in me?'

• Five of the Best Short Medical Jokes
• What Sort of Medicine is Practiced here?
• Doctor's One-liner Advice
• Crazy Logic - Classic Doctor Joke
• Keep Drinking the Water
• Doctor Makes a Pig's Ear of Operation
• Beware of Your Doctor Uttering These Phrases During Surgery

Mechanic v Doctor Story

Allan, a mechanic, was removing a cylinder head from a Harley-Davidson motorbike, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his garage. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike. Allan shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc can I ask you a question?'  The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to Allan.  Allan straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine.  I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one.  So how come I work for a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?' The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered in Allan's ear, 'Try doing it with the engine running.'

Five of the Best Short Medical Jokes

1) Long and Short of the Problem Adam, an elderly man was seated in the doctor's waiting room. When he was called in to see the doctor, Adam slowly got up, and, grasping his cane and hunching over, slowly made his way into the examining room. After only a few minutes, Adam emerged from the room, walking completely upright. Paul, another patient who had watched him hobble into the room all hunched over, stared in amazement. 'That must be a miracle doctor in there.' he exclaimed. 'What treatment did he give you? What's his secret?' Adam stared at Paul and said, 'Well, the doctor looked me up and down, analysed the situation, and gave me a cane that was four inches longer than the one I had been using.' 2) Struck Down? Ronan kept going to the ophthalmic doctor because his eye hurt and the doctor finally discovered his problem. The Doc told him, 'Your eye hurts when you drink tea, so you can't drink tea.' Ronan stuttered, 'But I love tea.' The doctor replied, 'Okay, as long as you take the spoon out.' 3) Time Cures 'Doctor Mayo,' John says, 'Whenever I get up after a sleep, I feel dizzy for half an hour, then I'm all right.' 'Then wait for half an hour before getting up,' replies Doctor Mayo conclusively. 4) Home - Or Away? A famous surgeon went on a safari in Africa. When he came back, his colleagues asked him how it had been. 'Oh, it was very disappointing,' he said. 'I didn't kill a thing. I'd have been better off staying here in the hospital.' 5) Father - Or Son? Iain speaks frantically into the phone, 'My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart.' 'Is this her first child?' the doctor queries. 'No, you idiot.' Iain shouts. 'This is her husband.'

What Sort of Medicine is Practiced Here?

Dangerous Corner + Patients Cross Here = ??

Doctor's One-liner Advice

Keep Taking the Medicine Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable. Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you? Patient: I sure did - the bottle said 'keep tightly closed.' Quick Diagnosis Nurse: 'Doctor, Doctor the man you've just treated collapsed on the front step. What should I do?' Doctor: 'Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!' Eating Disorder A mother complained to her consultant about her daughter's strange eating habits. 'All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?' 'Eventually,' said the consultant, 'she will rise and shine.' A live-in face When I was born the doctor took one look at my face .... turned me over and said. Look ... twins!  Rodney Dangerfield What Vision Amy to X-ray technician after swallowing some money: 'Do you see any change in me?'

Doctor Patient Jokes

Crazy Logic

Kerry is medical student. When she was studying the toxicology module she attended the 'poison control centre' in the city. Kerry told a tale that a woman had 'phoned who was very upset because she had caught her little daughter eating ants. Kerry quickly reassured her that the ants were not harmful and there would be no need to take her daughter to Southampton General hospital. She calmed the caller down. At the end of the conversation the woman happened to mention that she had given her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. Kerry told her that she better take her daughter to accident and emergency straightaway!

The Patient's X-Ray

Doctor Khan was giving a lecture to a group of medical students at the city hospital. Pointing to the x-ray, he explained: "As you can see, this patient limps because his right fibula and tibia are radically arched." The doctor looked up at the assembled students, and asked Sidney "Now what would you do in a case like this?" Sidney piped up: "I suppose I would limp too."

Funny Doctor Quotes

• The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian.  He can't ask his patients what is the matter-he's got to just know. Will Rogers
• My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August.  Ronnie Shakes
• If you trust Google more than your doctor than maybe it's time to switch doctors. Jadelr and Cristina Cordova
• See more funny medical quotes.

More Clean Doctor Jokes - Keep Drinking the Water

Brenda make an appointment to see her doctor, because she is worried about her husband's bad temper. Doctor Thomas asks: "What's the problem?" Brenda says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.  Every day my husband Jimmy seems to lose his temper for no reason. It's beginning to scares me." The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that.  When it seems that Jimmy is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down." Two weeks later Brenda returns to the doctor looking fresh and happy. Brenda says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?" Dr Thomas says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."

Patient Care

An element of the admission procedure in the hospital where consultant Tim Westwood worked, was to ask the new patients if they suffered from any allergies. If they did, Tim got it printed on a special 'allergy band' which was then placed on the patient's wrist as a reference for all other hospital employees. On one particular occasion Tim asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies. The old dear responded by saying that she was unable to eat bananas. Tim received a considerable surprise later in the day when a very irate son came out of the ward demanding, 'Who's responsible for labelling my mother 'bananas'?' See a real Patient Participation Group. See doctor, doctor jokes here.

Best Medicine?

Will and Guy wonder what it that makes for a funny doctor joke? After all, medical matters are not an intrinsically humorous subject. We have come to the conclusion that for many illnesses laughter is indeed the best medicine, or at least helps people to cope.  Thus we continue our quest for more doctors' jokes.

Doctor Makes a Pig's Ear of Operation

Earlier this year Winston lost his ear. Luck would have it that it was replaced, with a pigs ear, by doctors. They cut it to size and made it look more human before sewing it, invisibly, in place. Several weeks passed before Winston felt it necessary to return to his surgeons. When he did, Winston complained bitterly, 'Doctor, I keep hearing this noise and its doing my head in. 'The doctor, totally unconcerned answered, 'Don't worry, its just a bit of crackling.'

Doctor One-liners

Beware of Your Doctor Uttering These Phrases During Surgery

1. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
2. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
3. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
4. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
5. ...and could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off
6. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
7. Orthodox medicine has not found an answer to your complaint.  However, luckily for you, I happen to be a quack.
8. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

The Five Best, Clean and Hilarious Conversations Overheard in Hospital

1. Doctor : Are you on HRT? Patient : No, income support.
2. Overheard in Sunnyside Clinic, Fratton, as a receptionist spoke to an obviously hard-of-hearing client, 'No Mrs Jones, not the HEARSE, I'm sending the NURSE.'
3. A consultant at St Mary's Hospital, Portsmouth, England tells me that while passing through a frantic ENT [Ear, Nose and Throat] clinic, he overheard this curious bit of conversation:Senior surgeon (angrily) : 'For goodness sake, nurse, get me my auriscope.' [a medical device which is used to look into the ears].Distracted young nurse : 'But doctor, I don't even know your star sign.'
4. A former radiologist from Northern Ireland working at the Royal Belfast hospital tells that years ago, kitted up in leaden apron and gloves, he was conducting a radiographic examination of a woman's abdomen.Finding that her clothing was causing some opacity on the fluorescent screen, he remarked, 'Would you pull down your knickers, please?'The patient did nothing so he repeated the request. He then heard her say, 'I'm so sorry, doctor. I thought you were talking to the nurse.'
5. While I was waiting to see the orthodontist at Queen Alexandra Hospital, a woman came out of his surgery smiling. Nodding to me, she said, 'Thank goodness my work is completed. I'm so relieved to have found a painless dentist and one who's so gentle and understanding too.'When seated in the dentist's chair, I related the incident to him.  He laughed heartily and explained, 'Oh, that was just my Mother.'

See even more doctor jokes here....

Funny Doctors' Notes

These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in NHS (National Health Service) Greater Glasgow

1. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
6. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
7. While in ER, Eva was examined, x-rated and sent home.
8. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
9. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
10. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
11. Mrs Evans slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
12. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr Jones, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

Visit To the Doctor (Doctor yarn sent in by reader)

One Wednesday, Murphy went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, 'Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and I always have to repeat things.' 'Well, 'the doctor replied, 'Go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness'. Sure enough, Murphy goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, 'Betty, what's for dinner?' He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, 'Betty, what's for dinner?' Betty says, 'That's the fourth time you asked me. It's meatloaf.' Footnote: Please write to Will and Guy if you have any good doctor jokes. For example, One has a greater sense of intellectual degradation after an interview with a doctor than from any human experience.  Alice James