An Alternative Medical Dictionary:
[Submitted by Nigel
Artery - The study of paintings.
Barium - What Doctors do when patients die.
Caesarean Section - A neighbourhood in Rome.
Cauterize - Made eye contact with her.
Colic - A sheep dog.
Dilate - To live long.
Enema - Not a friend.
Fibula - A small lie.
Genital - Not a Jew.
Impotent - Distinguished, well known.
Labour Pain - Getting hurt at work.
Morbid - A higher offer.
Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates.
Node - Was aware of.
Outpatient - A person who has fainted.
Post Operative - Letter carrier.
Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery.
Seizure - Roman Emperor.
Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport.
Urine - Opposite of 'you're out'.
A Good Medical Joke
While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took some X-rays of a trauma patient and took the results to the senior radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs
'What on earth happened to this patient?' he asked in astonishment.
'He fell out of a tree,' according to the report.
The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree.
sure, but his paperwork states he works for Mark's Expert Tree Pruning Service.'
Gazing intently at the X-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, 'Cross out 'expert.'
Did you hear why Cyclops had to close his school?
He only had one
More Clean Medical Jokes
From Bad to Worse
Doctor Henderson spoke very seriously to Old Terry, 'I'm afraid I have some
bad news and some worse news for you, Terry.'
'Tell me the worse news first, please, Doc,' mumbled Old Terry.
'You've got cancer and have only 3 months to live,' replied Doctor Henderson
'What's the bad news?' asked Terry after a short while.
'You've also got Alzheimer's disease,' said Doctor Henderson.
'Thank the Lord,' muttered Old Terry, 'For a moment there I thought I had
Some Benefits of Alzheimer's Disease
You never watch repeats on television.
You are always meeting new people.
You don't have to remember the complaints of your spouse.
You can hide your own Easter eggs.
Mysteries are always interesting.
Raise Your Blood Pressure
Doctor Larmer commented on Peter's, extraordinarily ruddy
'High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family,' laughed Peter.
'Your mother's side or your father's?' inquired Doctor Larmer showing
'Neither,' Peter replied, 'It's from my wife's family.'
'Oh, come now,' interjected Doctor Larmer, 'How could your wife's family give
you high blood pressure?'
Peter sighed, 'You wanna meet 'em sometime, Doc!'
A Question of Blood Flow
A surgeon was giving a lecture on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
make the matter clearer, he said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the
blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position
the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A joker at the back shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
More Funny Medical Terms Used by Doctors
The hospital board asked doctors for their opinions concerning a proposed
new new wing for their hospital. This was what they said:
The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Dan arrives at the private hospital in Mérida, Yucatán, Mexico and is rushed
in quickly for surgery after his appalling car crash.
The operation goes well and, as Dan regains consciousness, he is reassured by
a nun, Sister Mary, who is waiting by his bed.
Now, Dan, you're going to be just fine,' says the nun, gently patting his
hand. 'We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here.
Are you covered by insurance?'
'No, I'm not,' Dan whispers hoarsely.
'Then are you able to pay in cash?' persists Sister Mary.
'I'm afraid I cannot, Sister,' say Dan regretfully.
'Well now, do you have any close relatives?' Sister Mary questions sternly
'Only my sister in Puerto Vallarta,' Dan volunteers, 'But she's a humble
spinster nun, like your good self.'
'Oh, I must correct you, Dan. Nuns are not spinsters: we are married to God.'
'Wonderful,' explodes Dan happily, 'In that case, please send the bill to my
Loosely based on a true story when Will lived in Mexico.
Ten Hilarious and Funny Newspaper Mistakes to Do With Medical Terms
The Sunday Times explanation for the extinction of the dinosaurs :-
The extinction may well have occurred when a steroid hit the Earth.
Another newspaper misprint :- The Welsh international had to
withdraw when the cut turned sceptic.
From a Sunday newspaper :- The surgeon said he'd removed my momentum
- the funny apron of fat that covers the intestines. [The omentum
is the medical name for the sheet of fat that covers abdominal organs.]
From an article on stomach trouble :- Doctors are beginning to
accept that stomach ulcers are infectious. They are caused by a bug
called Helicopter. [Real name Helicobacter pylori.]
The Worksop Bugle recently carried a news report about a chap who'd
happily "recovered from a tuna of the kidney". [Salad days ahead?]
An excerpt from 'Pulse' magazine :- If we are over-diagnosing
asthma, then we must be under-diagnosing the other causes of nocturnal
cough, such as post-natal drip. [Slip of the 's', post-nasal drip.]
From a national newspaper :- Cutting down on fats reduces the risk
of heart disease. Try to choose unsaturated fats, which are found in red
meat, milk, cheese, coconut oil, palm oil and butter ........ [Most of
those contain SATURATED fats which would CAUSE a heart attack.]
A transplant surgeon has called for a ban on "kidneys-for-ale"
From the South Wales Evening Post :- Cash plea to aid dyslexic
An interesting health tip from Q magazine :- In America you can buy
melatonin as a vitamin supplement. It is a hormone that your
penile gland secretes when it gets dark. [Actually, melatonin is
produced by the pineal gland.]
Proves That Toilet Water Is Cleaner Than Ice Cubes
A Florida schoolgirl won top prize with a science project proving that toilet water is cleaner than ice in fast food restaurants. Jasmine Roberts, 12, of New Tampa, tested her theory in five local restaurants,
reports Tampa Bay's
'My hypothesis was that the fast food restaurants'
ice would contain more bacteria that the fast food restaurants'
toilet water, 'she said. Jasmine says at each restaurant she
flushed the toilet once, then used sterile gloves to gather samples. She also collected ice from soda fountains and asked for cups of ice at drive thru windows. She then tested the samples at a lab.
Jasmine said: 'I found that 70% of the time, the ice from the fast food restaurant's
contain more bacteria than the fast food restaurant's
Her project won the science fair at Benito Middle
School, and she hopes to win the top prize at a regional science and engineering fair.
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