David Blaine is reportedly furious after England
crashed out of the World Cup - his record of doing absolutely nothing in
a box for 42 days was broken by Wayne Rooney.
The England team visited an orphanage in Cape Town
today. "It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope,"
said Jamal, aged six.
Osama Bin laden has just appeared in a new T.V. message
proving he is still alive. He said, 'The English football team
were s*** again'. British intelligence have dismissed it, saying
it could have been recorded at any time in the last 44 years.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
According to Fifa it didn't
traverse the white line.
I can't believe we only managed a draw against a
rubbish team we should easily have beaten. . . . I'm ashamed to call
I hear Oxo are making a new product. The
packaging is white with a red cross and they're calling it the 'Laughing
Robert Green Jokes After England's First World Cup Game
In a previous life Robert Green was a bus driver.
However, Will and Guy heard that he was sacked because he didn't make
What does Robert Green do after winning the World Cup?
Drops his PlayStation controller!
The England squad had a get-together after the USA game
and bought Robert Green a drink to commiserate. He spilled it.
At least that's one British spillage the
Americans won't be moaning about...
John Terry said: "The whole defence is behind Rob
Green." With hindsight, that's a good place to stand.
My computer's been infected by the Robert Green virus.
Now I can't save anything.
Why is Robert Green like ITV High Definition?
They both switch off at the crucial moment.
These Rob Green jokes are getting out of
hand... In fact they're crossing the line.
England Out of Africa
In Heaven With a Vuvuzela!
World Cup 2010 Song
The Lion Sleeps Tonight is a song recorded by The Tokens and originally
written as Mbube by Solomon Linda. The song is also recorded by many artists
as Wimoweh. The disappointed and dispirited England supporters sang the following
lyrics to this famous tune as they left the match where England lost to
In the jungle, South African jungle
Three lions sleep tonight
in the morning
The early morning
They have to catch a flight
- no way
A win - no way
A win - no way
A win - no way
Funny Names Following World Cup 2010
There is a Zulu tradition to name children after events that occur near
their birth - fair enough. However, Will and Guy pity these poor
children who have been given these unfortunate names following the 2010
World Cup in South Africa: Coach Sibise, Stadium Gumbi, Tickets Ngubane and Park n Ride Khumalo.
We also wonder about the father of Offside Mchunu.
See more weird children's names.
Funny Football Snippets
An edition of Observer Sport Monthly featured a small item about a Moroccan parachutist. The one who, at the opening ceremony for the 1988 African Nations Cup in Casablanca, watched by royalty and the most
important men in world football, delayed kick-off by missing the pitch and getting tangled up in the floodlights, where he hung upside down for 45 minutes.
During the last Nations Cup in Mali two years ago, there was a full-scale punch-up on the pitch, involving a Cameroon
coach and Malian soldiers. The coach, a former World Cup goalkeeper, had placed a charm in the Mali net. Witchcraft, juju, call it what you like.
My favourite was the tale of the South African team which drove out of town, walked backwards and barefoot off the team
bus into the the bush until they found a termite mound, urinated on it, then walked backwards to the bus again - and still didn't
win the league.
A Manchester cinema, for the World Cup Finals 2002, offered sushi-flavoured popcorn for England's
We aim to equalise before the other team score.
God's Football Team -v- Devil's Team
God, and the devil were each having a holiday in hyper-space. The
topic of conversation turned to who could turn out the best football team.
Much to the God's surprise the devil proposed a football match to settle
their dispute. As God was leaving he said to the devil, 'Don't you realise that all the
'good' players go to heaven?" The devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the refs!"
See funny soccer referee jokes.
A medical professor had just finished a lecture on the subject of mental health and started to give an oral quiz to the first years. Speaking specifically about manic depression, the senior doctor asked, 'How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?' A young man in the rear of the room raised his
hand and answered, 'A World Cup football coach?'
Court Ruling from the UK
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday
when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law
and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree
possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the
judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that
they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that
domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took
the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have
custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England
Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating
World Cup Football One-liner What's blue and white, and goes beep, beep, beep?
football team's open-top bus reversing back into its garage.
Funny World Cup Stories
World Cup Thief's Own Goal
A thief who stole a World Cup ticket from a woman's handbag was caught
after sitting down to watch the game next to his victim's husband. The 34-year-old mugged Eva Standmann, 42, as she made her way to the
Munich stadium for the Brazil-Australia game at the weekend and discovered
the ticket in her bag. He took the woman's place in the stadium where he was
met by her husband Berndt, 43, who immediately called security. A Munich
police spokesman said, 'The thief found the ticket in the bag and decided to
watch the game, not expecting to sit next to his victim's husband, who
immediately informed officers on duty at the stadium.'
If we don't know what we're going to do, how can the other side?"
World Cup Football -
Car insurance companies in the UK will be pleased if England crash out of the
2010 World Cup in the early stages. Based on information collated from the 2006
World Cup it appears that
drivers crash their cars more often on England match days. In 2006 crashes leapt by some 15% generally during the whole tournament. Accident figures when England played against Portugal and lost on
penalties rose by over 42%.
The Laws of Football
At one point during a football (soccer) match in America, the coach said to one of his young players, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?'
The little boy nodded in the affirmative. '
understand that what matters is how we play together as a team?'
The little boy nodded yes. 'So, 'the coach continued, 'When offside is given, or a foul is not seen, you don't
argue or swear or attack the
referee. Do you understand all that?'
Again the little boy nodded. 'Good, 'said the coach, 'Now go over there and explain it to your mother.'
World Cup 2010 Mascot
The World Cup 2010 Mascot "Zakumi" is a green haired leopard has been
announced as the official mascot for the event. The word "Zakumi" derives from "Za", which is South Africa's abbreviation
and "Kumi", which is a representation of ten in a majority of the African
languages, denoting 2010.
Funny Scouser Soccer Story
Robbie, the Scouser, [person born in Liverpool, England], is touring
America on holiday and stops in a remote bar in the hills of Montana. He's
chatting to the barman when he sees an old native American sitting in a
corner-complete with full tribal gear, long plaits and wrinkles. 'Who's
he?' enquires Robbie.
'That's the Memory Man,' responds the barman. 'He
knows everything. He can remember any sporting fact. Go and try him out.' So Robbie wanders over and asks, 'Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'
'Liverpool,' replies the Memory Man. Robbie is flabbergasted.
they beat?' 'Leeds,' is the reply.' And the score?'
'2-1.' Amazed but not totally convinced Robbie Dave tries something more
'Who scored the winning goal?' Without blinking the native
American replies, 'Ian St John.' Robbie, the Liverpudlian returns home and regales his relatives and
friends with his tale, and he's determined to return and pay his respects to
this amazing man. Ten years later he has saved enough money and returns to
America. After weeks of searching through the towns of Montana, Dave Robbie,
the Scouser steps forward, bows and greets the old man in his traditional
native tongue, 'How.' The Memory Man squints at Robbie and says, 'Diving header in the six-yard
Some Funny, Short Soccer Jokes
What do you call a Scottish player in the first round of the World Cup? The Referee.
World Cup Referee
It was the World Cup Final dinner and dance held in the evening, after
the final. The festivities were in full swing when three newcomers
arrived without tickets. 'It's all right,' said one, 'we're friends of the
referee.' 'Whoever heard of a referee with three friends?', said the
bouncer as he threw them out.
Apparently, the England FA is under investigation by the Inland Revenue
for tax evasion. Word is they've been claiming for Silver Polish for
the past 44 years.
A bloke hands over a £20 note to the turnstile operator at Fratton Park,
the home of beleaguered, and allegedly broke, Portsmouth FC. 'Two please.'
Turnstile Operator: 'Will that be defenders or strikers,
Talking of Trophies and of Pompey
Will: Did you know that Portsmouth held the F.A. cup longer than anyone
else. Guy: How long was that Will? Will: Seven years. Guy: That's impossible. Will: No
truly, you can check, Pompey won in 1939 and then kept the F.A.
cup throughout the war until the competition was renewed in the 1945-6
'I understand you're a member of the school football team,' said a
visiting uncle to seven-year-old Jack. 'What position do you play?' 'I'm not sure,' answered Jack, 'but I think I heard the teacher say that
I was the team's main drawback.'
'Heskey,' said the coach angrily after a disastrous match, 'your playing
was lousy. You're a disgrace to the team.' 'Don't pay any attention to him, Emile,' said a team-mate, trying to be
encouraging. 'He doesn't know what he's talking about. He only repeats what
everybody else says.'
Football Pools Winner
Fred was being interviewed on television after winning £1,000,000
[$1,610,635.87 USD] on the football pools. 'What are you going to do with all that money asked the interviewer?' 'I'm going to spend the first £250,000 on wines, spirits and beer,'
responded Fred cheerfully, 'and the second £250,000 on horses, dogs and
cards.' 'I see,' said the interviewer, somewhat taken aback. 'And then,' continued Fred, 'I shall spend £250,000 on women and loose
living generally.' 'Quite, quite,' the interviewer interrupted hurriedly. 'And what will you
do with the remaining £250,000?' 'Oh, I'll probably just fritter that away,' Fred replied.
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
One day in Bavaria, the seven dwarfs went off to work in the
salt mine, while Snow White stayed at home as usual to cook their lunch. However, when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs. Tearfully,
Snow White shouted down the mine shaft: 'Hello - is anyone there. Can you hear me, Bashful, Doc, Dopey, Happy, Grumpy or Sneezy?'
(She knew it would be no good calling Sleepy.) Then
a voice floated up from the bowels of the mine: 'Germany will win the 2010 World Cup'. '
said Snow White, 'at least Dopey's still alive!' Footnote: Please send us your 2010 World Cup jokes and funny stories.
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