Witty Funny Quotes

Witty Funny Quotes

Here is Will and Guy's collection of short quotes from famous people.

• Will's 10 Favourite Witty Quotes
• Guy's 10 Favourite Witty Quotes
• 10 More Short Witty Quotes
• Famous Sayings - Quotes from Famous Authors

Will's 10 Favourite Witty Funny Quotes

1. I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding which bringeth peace. - Helen Keller
2. People seldom do what they believe in, they do what is convenient, and then repent. - Bob Dylan
3. Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver. - William James
4. The wise man has long ears and a short tongue. - Anonymous.
5. Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens. - Jimi Hendrix
6. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend. - Unknown, but often attributed to Albert Camus
7. The secret of a good life is to have the right loyalties and hold them in the right scale of values. - Norman Thomas
8. Democracy is the process by which people choose the man who'll get the blame. - Bertrand Russell
9. Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. - Albert Einstein
10. I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx

Guy's 10 Favourite Witty and Funny Quotes

1. Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. - Groucho Marx
2. Coffee isn't my cup of tea. - Samuel Goldwyn
3. I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
4. I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is? - Paul Merton
5. At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual. - Patrick Moore
6. Operator! Give me the number for 911. - Homer Simpson
7. I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes. - Oscar Wilde
8. Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning? - George W Bush
9. I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said, 'No, Six should be enough.' - Les Dawson
10. My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil. - Paul Getty

10 More Short Witty Quotes

1. Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies. - Voltaire on his deathbed in response to a priest asking that he renounce Satan.
2. Wagner's music is better than it sounds. - Mark Twain.
3. I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. - Jerome K. Jerome
4. It takes a long time to grow an old friend. - John Leonard
5. There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money. - Benjamin Franklin
6. I think; therefore I am. - Rene Descartes
7. I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that. - Ellen DeGeneres
8. It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong. - Voltaire
9. A drunk is in front of a judge. The judge says, 'You've been brought here for drinking.' The drunk says, 'Okay, let's get started.' - Henny Youngman
10. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine". - Tommy Cooper.

Famous Sayings - Quotes from Famous Authors

Here is a list of witty and funny quotes.  I truly believe that amongst these famous sayings there is a maxim or a proverb for any every occasion.  The authors of these quotations is often a surprise, for example:

Witty Funny Quote	Famous Author
The past does not equal the future.	Anthony Robbins
Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs.	Henry Ford
Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.	Winston Churchill
Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning.	Bill Gates
640K ought to be enough for anybody.	Bill Gates
The best place to find a helping hand is at the end of your own arm.	Swedish proverb
Imagination is more important than knowledge...	Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)
There are only two ways to live your life.  One is as though nothing is a miracle.  The other is as if everything is.	Albert Einstein
Don't find fault - find a remedy.	Henry Ford
It is far better to know our own weaknesses and failures than to point out those of others.	Nehru
Flaming enthusiasm, backed by horse sense and persistence, is the quality that most frequently makes for success.	Dale Carnegie
I like thinking big. If you're going to be thinking anything, you might as well think big.	Donald Trump
Entrepreneurs are simply those who understand that there is little difference between obstacle and opportunity and are able to turn both to their advantage.	Victor Kiam - Remmington
In business, the competition will bite you if you keep running, if you stand still, they will swallow you	Victor Kiam
You can only govern men by serving them. The rule is without exception.	Victor Kiam
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.	IBM 1943
There are only two types of users, those who have lost data, OR those who are going to lose data.	Anonymous
There is no such thing as failure - only results.	Anonymous
Ask the experienced rather than the learned.	Anonymous
The wise man has long ears and a short tongue.	Anonymous
Experience is a hard teacher. She gives the test first and the lessons afterwards.	Anonymous
A man can succeed at almost anything for which he has unlimited enthusiasm.	Anonymous
Prevention is better than cure.	Anonymous
I don't have a solution, but I certainly admire the problem.	Ashleigh Brilliant
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Footnote: Please send us your witty funny quotes Good, clean yet free stories and jokes.  True stories, after dinner humour, urban myths and humorous short stories.